McKay (scribbulus_ink) wrote in time_of_storms, @ 2005-10-08 13:09:00 |
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Entry tags: | chronological, joint |
26 July 1997
Original poster: black_cauldron
Music: Keep Your Distance, by Richard Thompson
Two weeks had passed since the wedding. Two weeks for Remus to think about what he'd seen Snape do - or rather, not do - and to be relieved that he had no need to return to The Burrow. He felt vaguely guilty and ashamed for avoiding Molly, but he dreaded having to fend off more "subtle" hints that perhaps he ought to move more quickly with Tonks and reminders that there was a war on and anything could happen, so it wasn't wise to put things off. He was grateful that Ginny and not Tonks had caught the bouquet, or he'd probably return to find the wedding was already planned, and Molly was just waiting for him to show up so she could tell him all about it.
Thus when Snape's summons arrived, he was apprehensive for two reasons: one that he would hear more bad news about Voldemort's plans, and two that whatever Snape told him would need to be reported to the Order. But he used the Portkey at the appointed time, returning to the strangely opulent room to meet Snape and find out what was going on now.
He did make an effort to clean up first, washing his clothes and himself in the pond near camp so he would look a little more presentable this time. He couldn't do anything about the ragged state of his clothes, but he could be clean. He combed back his wet hair and surreptitiously used a trimming charm on his beard to neaten it up; he preferred being clean-shaven, but it was easier not to bother, and no one cared how he looked anyway, not even him. He only made an effort this time to keep Snape from having extra ammunition to use against him.
As soon as he arrived, he looked around for Snape and found him in the same chair as last time, and he nodded a greeting. "What's the news this time?" he asked.
"No news, which is both good and bad," Severus replied, giving Lupin a coolly appraising look, one corner of his lips twitching in sardonic amusement as he noted that Lupin had gone to the bother of cleaning up this time, instead of showing up looking as though he had been rolling in a mudhole. Severus adjusted the collar of his shirt unconsciously; he had left off robes in favor of trousers and a black silk shirt, finding formal dressing to be rather ridiculous when he rarely saw anyone. Or rather, I am becoming lax because there is not a single person around to give a damn about how I look. He carefully did classify, even to him self, if Lupin counted toward being that person.
He nodded toward the sofa, having already sat out a glass of wine and a tray of sandwiches, as well as a few vials of the energizing potion on the sofa before it. He was still justifying his solicitousness of Lupin's health as being much like that of someone keeping a horse or a guard dog in good health, but a nasty little voice that made him clench his jaw mocked him for wanting to be social, for being lonely. For someone who had spent much of his life wanting to be away from other people, Severus was finding the actual practice of hermitage extremely wearing. There was no one to yell at, after all.
"Things have been very quiet since the abortive attack on the wedding," he said, taking a sip of his own wine and raising an inquiring brow at Lupin. "What is happening with the lycanthropes? I have not heard of any reports of independent mayhem; are you having an effect on their behavior at last?"
Remus wasn't unaware of Snape's casual appearance, surprised to see Snape wearing anything less than his jacket with the interminable row of buttons and billowing robes. He was also surprised to see Snape had set out food for him, along with wine and more of that potion, and it still baffled him that Snape seemed to be solicitous of his well-being. But at least it didn't appear Snape had suffered any ill effects from the failed attack on the wedding, which was a relief. It would be a blow, Remus told himself, for the Order to lose a valuable source of information.
"Things are quiet, although that isn't due to my influence since I'm not the alpha of the pack. My influence is limited in that respect. I suspect part of it is that Greyback hasn't been around to stir them up, which helps." Remus sat down on the sofa and picked up the glass of wine, sipping it gingerly. "You didn't get into any trouble for the failure, did you? Did Voldemort suspect we knew to expect the attack?"
"No, once he finally calmed down he was merely furious at your accursed luck. Believe me when I say if he had any inkling of what I had done, this conversation would not be taking place," Severus responded, lip twitching again, although he shifted unconsciously in remembered pain; Voldemort's "calming down" had taken some time. "And I am taking... precautions, of a sort, so that if any suspicion does arise, it is directed at a more lucrative target. I have much experience at hiding things, and keeping secrets. It is the reason Albus had faith in me..."
He paused for a long moment, jaw clenching as he fought down an uncomfortable shaft of loss. It was getting slightly easier to bear, but Severus still found memories of Albus hitting him at odd moments, bringing up the guilt and the pain. Instead of focussing on it, he gave Lupin a look that was clinically assessing. "You are not a total dunderhead, Lupin, but you have almost no mental shielding at all. I can read your thoughts as vividly as though you have shouted them. Occlumency is all that kept me alive during the first war, and now this one. You must learn it; not only your life depends upon it... so does mine."
"Are you implying that I actually have the intelligence and concentration to learn?" Remus' mouth quirked upward, teasing to cover the flash of concern he felt not only at the thought that he was such an open book for Snape, but that there was a very real danger that he might reveal too much if he were ever caught. He remembered the conversation about the threat to the Order if Voldemort examined his unprotected mind, and now he was a threat to Snape as well.
"If you're willing to teach me, I'm willing to learn," he said in a more serious tone. "In my position, it would be an invaluable skill."
"You cannot possibly be a worse student than Potter," Severus said darkly, taking another sip of wine and sneering into his glass. "The young idiot cannot even surprise me with an attack; he has no hope against the Dark Lord whatsoever."
Shaking his head, Severus reflected upon the irony of him teaching Lupin, one of his former schoolyard enemies, in order to protect both their lives. He never would have imagined it, would have scoffed at and most likely even hexed anyone who dared suggest the possibility that he would ever depend upon one of the Marauders for anything. It had been said that politics made strange bedfellows... apparently war made even stranger ones.
Glancing up at Lupin, Severus spread his hands in acceptance. "I can try, at least, since at the moment I have nothing better to do; although I warn you, I shall not go easy on you. I also have no pensieve here to protect anything you might find too crass for your delicate sensibilities... I will not hold back, either, no more than would the Dark Lord himself. Are you brave enough to handle that, Lupin? To let me see the secrets inside, and possibly see mine in return?"
His tone was smugly challenging; he would not back down, but he wondered if Lupin would.
Remus mulled over the thought of Snape rummaging around in his memories, uncomfortable with the idea of sharing such an intimacy with Snape of all people. Likely they would learn things about each other that no one else knew - and which they would have preferred to keep private - but Remus was primarily concerned about Snape using what he learnt against Remus.
Snape knew the worst mistakes Remus had ever made, and there was nothing in Remus' past that he was afraid to show Snape. He'd never killed, never turned anyone. But there were things that Snape would be able to twist around and taunt him with, memories of loneliness and humiliation, memories of things Remus was far from proud of. Still, that was a small price to pay for the safety of the Order, and he couldn't afford to be selfish or cowardly.
"If you're willing to take that risk, so am I," he replied calmly, regarding Snape with a placid expression that gave away nothing of the apprehension he felt as he put the wine glass aside. "When shall we begin?"
Severus was both surprised and amused that Lupin agreed so readily; it would be interesting to see if Lupin could take it once the lesson began. But amusement faded quickly as he reminded himself that this was serious, that his life was in as much jeopardy as Lupin's. If Lupin failed, they would both die, and Potter would be left defenseless, no more than an arrogant boy with an attitude. Potter was brave, Severus grudgingly admitted as he rose gracefully to his feet. But braver men than Potter died every day.
"Stand up and face me," he told Lupin, dark eyes holding blue-green as he wondered if there was anything about Lupin he didn't already know, any secrets more dark than the nature of the beast within. "Your emotions are the way into your mind. If you wish to defend yourself, you must clear your mind, divorce yourself from your feelings. Hide behind a blank wall. Do you understand? Potter's problem with this was that even though there is little in that mind of his, he is still unable to clear it sufficiently to repulse an invasion."
Raising his wand, Severus gave a smirk, then shouted "Legilimens!", forcing his magic and his will into Lupin's mind.
Hide? Remus had plenty of practice with that. He'd been hiding his thoughts, his feelings, his very self for as long as he could remember. That gave him an advantage, as did being an adult rather than an angry, emotional adolescent. But even with those advantages to help him, he wasn't prepared for the thrust of Snape's mind within his, and he gasped, disoriented by the invasion as memories flooded out, unchecked.
Molly gives his arm a playful nudge as he tries to ignore her hings, but he can't avoid it any longer, not when she asks him bluntly if seeing Bill and Fleur so happy had given him any ideas.
The curve of Tonks' back is pale and perfect in the moonlight before she turns and approaches the bed, her expression full of adoration as she slips beneath the covers with him, twining her arms around him.
It's Devon challenging him this time. His lip and nose are bleeding, but he doesn't have any broken bones, which is more than Devon can say. Devon's arm is dangling at an unnatural angle, but he keeps coming, determined to win, but Remus' wiry strength prevails. He clenches his fingers on Devon's throat until Devon grudgingly yields, ensuring Remus' place is safe. For now.
Lupin's mind was surprisingly easy to penetrate, and Severus surged into the unprotected memories almost smugly. The smugness didn't last, however, as he processed the flashes he was seeing. When Lupin finally gathered the strength to thrust him from his mind, Severus was already withdrawing, repulsed and inexplicably furious at bearing witness to.... that.
"Enough!" he roared, lowering his wand, breathing hard as he stared at Lupin with glittering eyes. Severus didn't want to examine the source of his anger, but neither could he suppress it, not after so much time alone. So instead he clenched his jaw and his fists, which trembled with rage, whirling away so that he didn't have to look at Lupin at all. He didn't want to face the mangy cur, knowing that... just knowing, having seen it with his own eyes. The mere fact that it angered him, that it touched a raw space in his soul, made Severus more angry still.
I am not jealous! he thought furiously, trying hard to pull up his own shields, pushing all emotion away as he had learned quite painfully to do. Lupin means nothing to me. Nothing at all. He is merely a tool... and when I have no more use for him, any false illusion of peace between us will end as well. But a tiny corner of his mind, the corner that no doubt sent those damnable dreams to him every night, mocked him, jeered at him, taunted him with the knowledge that his loneliness was going to be a permanent arrangement, and that he had been a fool for even thinking... No. He wouldn't think.
"Lesson over," he said hollowly, finally turning back to face Lupin, face impassive with the entire strength of his shields. "You are weak, Lupin. Learn to clear your mind. Practice it every day. Now leave."
Remus frowned, puzzled by this sudden change in attitude - although this Snape was more like the one he was accustomed to dealing with. "I don't understand," he said slowly. "You brought me all the way here, wherever here is, for that? Why are you quitting so soon?"
He replayed the memories Snape had accessed, but unless Snape was disgusted by witnessing the dominance battle, evidence that it was of Remus' animalistic side, he didn't see what was so objectionable. But Snape had all but recoiled from him, whether it was from disgust or horror, and Remus thought he'd caught a flash of anger.
"You said you wouldn't hold back, and you asked if I was brave enough to face whatever we both saw. I am, but now I'm wondering about you."
It took all of his formidable control to keep from snapping at Lupin like some jealous fool. It is only because even HE has normal relationships, and I can never... Severus' traitorous mind tried to whisper a justification, but he brutally thrust the thought away, although a tic developed above his eye from the effort.
"I am certainly brave enough for anything you could possibly dream of, Lupin, I assure you," he snapped, only a trace of the incredible fury within him seeping out as Lupin called his courage into question. "I have seen enough to know that continuing would be pointless until you have learned more control. It would merely be a waste of time. Take the potions and go."
In that moment, Severus had no intention of ever seeing Lupin again. Damn the Order; Albus had never said that he had to help them. It was too risky... on too many different levels. Severus had already lost everything; he wasn't going to take a chance of wanting something else, only to lose it again. But the torment inside him told him that it was already too late, and that he had already lost.
"It was only my first try!" Remus protested. His frown deepened as he stepped closer to Snape, his own annoyance flaring at Snape's dismissal. "You can't possibly know how much control I do or don't have after one brief attempt. Of course I'm not going to get it right straight away, and you can't possibly expect me to. We should try at least a couple more times before you pronounce me a failure and send me away."
"So now you are an expert on teaching Occlumency?" Severus asked haughtily, crossing his arms over his chest. It was a defensive gesture, but it was better than his instinctive desire to step away from Lupin. Or hex him witless. "We have accomplished all that is possible today. Practice as I have directed, and it might save your life. But it's up to you; if you have better things to do with your time, by all means go ahead and do them." Better things, like sleeping with that dimwitted little bint.
Remus closed the distance between them, studying Snape and breathing deeply, his bewilderment growing when he caught a whiff of anger tinging Snape's distinctive scent. "You were the one who suggested this. You said our lives depended on it, and you were right. Why are you backing down now? Just because you saw me fighting and you realized you were tainting your precious mind by mingling it with a beast's?"
"You are a fool, Lupin," Severus said coldly, eyes narrowing into slits as Lupin walked toward him. "I have tainted my mind with far worse than your tepid little sins, wolf. I have seen horrors which would turn you into a spineless, quivering pup." And at the moment, I'd like to deal a few of them out.
He needed to get Lupin out of here, and quickly; since his demands that Lupin leave were being ignored, it was time to resort to more drastic measures. Holding up his left arm, he yanked back his sleeve, thrusting the Dark Mark in Lupin's face. "Mingling with a beast, you say? A beast owns me, Lupin. Your darkness is nothing, NOTHING compared to this. I chose this, and it will kill me - now get away from me, before it destroys you as well!"
"Is that what this is all about?" Remus stared at Snape, incredulous. "You suddenly got cold feet because you don't to risk me seeing what's in your mind? It's too bloody late for that, Severus!"
A growl rumbled in his chest as he reached out and fisted his hands in Snape's shirt, and before he could think twice about what he was doing, he was pushing Snape backward, herding him until his back hit the wall. Reasoning with Snape hadn't worked, so perhaps goading would; Remus had been studying how to push Snape's buttons for years, and this time, his own indignation, bordering on anger, fueled him as well.
"I don't care what you've done or what you've seen or whatever kind of horrors are in your memory." Remus' eyes bore relentlessly into Snape's as he spoke, his voice a low growl. "All I care about is doing whatever I can to keep people alive, even if that means letting you root around in my mind or having to root around in yours. I will do whatever it takes, endure whatever it takes to bring Voldemort down, and after what you've done, I can't believe you're too afraid of what I might see to stop now!"
"I am not afraid of you... I am not afraid of anything!" Severus hissed, losing his composure and his control as Lupin pushed him, both literally and figuratively, into a wall. His wand was in his hand, and he brought it up in a quick movement, pointing it at Lupin's temple. Now that Lupin had mentioned it, Severus couldn't risk Lupin seeing what was uppermost in Severus' mind, what he would be certain to see if he actually managed pushed past Severus' defenses. The thought was horrifying.
"You presume too much. I have given you information, saved your precious friends, your lo..." Severus caught himself quickly, then continued, voice ragged with fury. "I risked my life to give you that information! Dumbledore never said I had to help you, help any of you... and now you are making me wish I never had!"
With lightning quick reflexes, Remus grabbed Snape's hand and forced it down, and with a low snarl, he shoved Snape against the wall, capturing his other arm and pinning both. Digging his fingers into Snape's wrist, he pressed closer as he tried to force Snape to drop his wand, trapping Snape between his body and the hard, cold wall.
"Then why did you?" he demanded, his face so close to Snape's that their noses were nearly touching. "And why are you being so wishy-washy now? That isn't like you. So all I can think is that you're afraid of something, and the only thing here is me."
I am afraid of myself. The thought rose unbidden in Severus' mind, and he scowled fiercely to cover it. "I have no idea why I helped you - I must have been insane!" Severus snapped, struggling against Lupin, pushing with all his might even though he knew it wouldn't do any good against the superior strength of a lycanthrope. He hissed as Lupin's fingers dug in, pain knifing through his arm from the tendon Lupin pressed, his hand reflexively opening to let his wand fell silently to the rug.
Lupin's body pinned him to the wall, and Severus began to feel an edge of something that he refused to call panic, as his traitorous body, uncaring about the whys and wherefores of the situation, began to respond to Lupin's pressing against him.. How often had he dreamed of something like this, of being pinned and tormented, and of the pleasure which followed? And now here it was in reality, and Severus felt his defenses, weakened by this sick desire, giving way. He could not let this happen, could not give Lupin knowledge that he could use over Severus. This was wrong, very wrong, and Severus couldn't let it happen. His pride simply wouldn't stand for it. Not even as a balm for the loneliness that had begun to eat away at him like a cancer.
"Let me go, now!" he demanded harshly, his desperation to escape overcoming all over concerns as he panted and struggled, trying to escape his own desires as much as he was trying to escape Lupin. "Damn you, Lupin, you bastard! I wish I had not told you! I wish I had let them all die! It would have served you right, if you'd had to watch them rip her apart before your eyes! Damn you, LET ME GO!"
This last as a roar that echoed around the room, and he became as desperate as an animal, kicking and clawing in his need to escape. Rationality was gone, and he fought as he had never fought before, snarling as he leaned down and bit Lupin's shoulder, wanting to hurt as he had been hurt, and using the only weapon at his disposal.
There would be time to sort through what Snape had said later, but right now, Remus had a wild thing on his hands, and if he couldn't calm Snape down, there was no telling what might happen. He let out a hiss at the feel of Snape's teeth through his thin robes, his body responding instinctively to the pleasure-pain; he didn't want to respond to Snape, the fire of lust in his blood tempered by a sense of guilt and wrongness at how this was playing out, but Snape's wildness was calling to his own, drawing it forth.
Releasing Snape just long enough to spin him around, he slammed Snape against the wall and pinned him again, snarling as he nosed Snape's hair aside and fastened his teeth on the back of Snape's neck, attempting to subdue him with the gesture like a wolf catching a pup by its scruff.
The breath left Severus in an agonized whoosh as Lupin spun him and slammed him into the hard, cold stone of the wall, making his head spin dizzily from the impact and lack of air. Hands scrabbling, nails raked ineffectively at the rough surface as Lupin trapped him once again, his hard body pressing against Severus like iron. Then Lupin's teeth were on his neck, and Severus let out a low, choked moan, unable to help it, the feeling of Lupin's teeth seeming to go straight from his neck to his groin, and he thrust back helplessly. This, this was what he had dreamed for weeks, ever since that single, unthinking kiss had turned his world upside down, had made him acknowledge that he wanted things, dangerous things that he should not want, did not dare to want. And yet he did, he wanted them, he wanted this, wanted to feel, wanted to know that he was not alone. Lupin could give him that. Severus was beyond thinking, beyond caring, his breath coming in ragged gasps as he finally went still. Not calming, but submitting. Submitting in an instinct he would never have believed he possessed, and which would no doubt infuriate him later. Submitting as he had never done to anyone before.
The thick scent of Snape's desire filled Remus' nose, and he thought if he darted his tongue out, he could taste it in the air. He recognized Snape's submission for what it was, and he eased his hold, knowing Snape... Severus was done fighting him. He could scarcely wrap his mind around the concept that Severus had surrendered, but the evidence of it was in his arms, trembling.
The tenor of his growl shifted, no longer a warning but a soothing sound as he laved the bite mark with broad swipes of his tongue. Severus was his, at least for this moment, and he had to finish what he had started; he couldn't force submission and then walk away, not in a situation like this when there was no challenge to be won or lost - and when Severus would hex him to hell and back for the humiliation.
In this moment, nothing else mattered, nothing else existed but the two of them, and Remus forgot the world that existed beyond the walls of this room. Yanking the collar of Severus' shirt aside, he bit his way along Severus' neck and shoulder, growling continually as he left a trail of marks on Severus' flesh. Releasing Severus' wrist, he slid one arm around Severus' waist and unfastened Severus' trousers, slipping his hand inside, curling his fingers around Severus, stroking him as he wound his other arm around Severus, holding him close.
Severus' mind was in a total fog of desire and lust, triggered by the sound of Lupin's growling and the feel of teeth marking his flesh. He couldn't think, he didn't want to think, because that way lay pain and madness. What they were doing was insane, it was torture, it could only end badly, and yet... at this moment there was only his need, a need he hadn't felt in many years, and never to this extent. Death was all around him, the death he had caused and the death he was going to experience, and for once he needed this affirmation of life, even if it was Lupin giving it to him. Even if it meant nothing, even if there was this and nothing more, there was now, and Severus gave over to it with wild abandon, hating himself for doing it but powerless to resist.
"Yes," he hissed, pressing into Lupin's hand, then bucking his hips back into the cradle of Lupin's. He didn't want gentle, had never known gentle. The fierceness of the wolf was want he needed, what he wanted, the power and the forcefulness that would make him forget everything, set him free from the need to be in control. Wildness rose up in him again, but the escape he sought was within Lupin's arms, not outside of them.
This was life, and Severus knew that he might never get the chance to live again.
Remus rocked his hips as he fisted Severus roughly, grinding against Severus, driving him to the edge. "Now." His voice was deep and rough as he made his demand. "Now, Severus." And with a snarl, he fastened his teeth on Severus' neck again, biting down hard, worrying the flesh until he tasted blood and growling with fierce pleasure as it flowed on his tongue.
A hoarse cry escaped Severus as he gave in to the harsh demand, the pleasure and the pain combining to throw him over the edge as he shattered into a million pieces, his mind free for the first time in more years than he cared to remember. Pleasure poured over him, hot, fierce, and wrenching, and he held his breath, clinging to it, wanting it to go one forever, freeing him from his pain and doubt. Freeing him from himself.
But nothing lasts forever, and Severus panted roughly, drawing in deep breaths as he rested his forehead against the cold stone, the first tiny pinpricks of reality seeping in in the wake of his release. He went still, very still, trying to force away all thought, hoping against hope that Lupin would just go, would leave without Severus having to face the rejection, the contempt that he knew was going to follow this. There would be a price to pay... there was always a price.
Keeping one arm securely around Severus' waist, Remus lifted his hand to his mouth and licked it clean, a soft sound of pleasure escaping him at the taste of Severus mingled with the salt and sweat of his own skin. His own arousal still pulsed hot and hard, but he ignored it, recognizing the time had passed, and he would deal with it later.
Reaching around Severus again, he tucked Severus in carefully and fastened his trousers before resting his hands on Severus' hips. Silently, he guided Severus to turn and face him, no mockery or censure in his expression. The mask had slipped, leaving him open, vulnerable - and more than a little worried Severus was going to lash out at him now, flaying him for daring to touch. For daring to do far, far more than merely touching. He didn't understand the nuances of what had occurred between them yet; he wasn't even certain how it had happened, but they had contributed equally to the explosion. Of that he was certain.
"I won't apologize," he said quietly. "I'm not sorry."
Severus continued to breathe harshly, biting down hard on his tongue as he held himself still. The sounds Lupin made sent a sharp stab of renewed desire through him, made him want to turn around and crush his mouth against Lupin's, to taste himself on those lips, to press his tongue within and devour, prolonging this... whatever it was that had happened between them. But he couldn't do that, not after what he had seen in Lupin's mind, not knowing what he did about Lupin's preferences. Whatever had brought out the wolf, whatever the reason Lupin had done what he did, it had no basis in desire for Severus as a man.
Then he was being turned around, and Severus knew his face was damp, his cheeks flushed with the aftermath of pleasure. He tilted his chin up, wrapping himself in the tatters of his pride, and faced Lupin, eyes glittering with wariness, feeling more vulnerable than he ever had in his life, and at a total loss as to how to deal with it.
"You may change your mind when you tell your lover what happened," he said hollowly. "Unless you and Tonks decide to laugh about it. Oh, wait, you can't confess, can you? You can't tell her that you touched the traitor, the murderer. I told you I would make you unclean, Lupin. I warned you, and still you would not listen."
Severus' expression became remote, betraying his soul-deep weariness. Voldemort had not defeated him, nor had Albus, despite the way things had happened. But Lupin... with nothing more than his voice and hands and mouth, Lupin had managed to totally defeat Severus Snape. "So, are you sorry now, Lupin? Believe me, I have no desire for your charity, or need for your pity. I advise you that if you know what is good for you, you will get the hell out of here and never come back."
"Touching you doesn't make me unclean." Remus slid his hands up to Severus' waist, refusing to break contact if only to make a point with Severus. The reminder of Tonks made him wince internally, guilt stabbing him in the gut; he'd betrayed her with this, perhaps not as badly as he could have, but it was a betrayal nonetheless, and he felt horrible when he thought about how much finding out would hurt her.
But as strange as this interlude had been, it had changed things forever; Severus had submitted to him, and he couldn't forget that, no matter that it was Severus, whom he didn't love, whom he didn't even particularly like. There was a connection between them now that he couldn't deny.
"When I leave, I'm coming back," he added, the determined note in his voice making it clear that he wouldn't be put off. "The Order still needs you."
And I think you need me. He wasn't sure where that thought had come from, and he had no idea whether it was true or not, but it was there, hovering between them.
But I have no need of them, nor you... I do not need anyone. The retort was there on Severus' lips, automatically and without thought, and he actually parted them and drew breath to voice it. But he could feel Lupin's hands still on him, holding him, and Lupin wasn't drawing away, wasn't mocking him or making Severus feel like he was weak and needy for what had happened. That stilled the words, and they remained unsaid; even though internally, Severus cursed the part of himself that felt soothed that Lupin hadn't gone.
Staring hard into Lupin's eyes, Severus saw the guilt there, but it wasn't the overwhelming guilt of a man who had done the unthinkable to the woman he loved. A fierce stab of something that felt oddly like victory shot through Severus, but he didn't give into it. Something had changed between them in a fundamental way, but Severus wasn't sure yet what it was, or what it meant. All he knew was that he wanted it, even if it was the worst thing in the world for him... as no doubt it was.
"Very well," he grumbled at last, but there was surprisingly little heat in it, given what had happened. "Since I am needed, far be it from me to shirk the endless responsibilities that seem to pile up upon me wherever I go." He wrapped himself in the comfort of sarcasm, pulling it around him like a familiar cloak; no matter what had changed, and despite the fact that he wanted the change, Severus wasn't going to go quietly or gently into anything. Lupin hadn't left, hadn't mocked him. It would be enough. For now.
Remus smiled at the aggrieved tone in Severus' voice, and he squeezed Severus' waist lightly before releasing him and stepping back; he needed some space to clear his head and quell the wolf, which had somehow decided it was now responsible for Severus - and Remus could imagine Severus' reaction to that notion all too well.
"One dirty, scruffy werewolf shouldn't make that much difference to the already considerable burden you're bearing," he said, keeping his tone light. "Besides, the slower I am to learn, the more chances you'll have to call me an idiot and a dunderhead, and I'm sure that will bring joy to your life."
A sense of loss struck him as Lupin stepped away, and Severus scowled fiercely to cover it. I do not need him. He is the one who needs me, they all do, he told himself, attempting to find his normal balance. There wasn't much left to him but his pride, and Severus clung it it like a leech.
"You are an idiot and a dunderhead," he muttered, but it was with resignation. "It seems to be my lot in life to be saddled with such."
Stooping, he picked up his wand, then stared at Lupin consideringly. Changing the subject was in order, and Severus went back to one of the initial reasons he had wanted Lupin to come here, before the unreality of the last fifteen minutes. Perhaps if he clung to normalcy, everything would seem normal again.
"We need a better form of communication than owls and portkeys," he said slowly. If he were going to continue to do this - and it seemed he had no other choice - it might as well be easier on them both. "Something secure, however. Something that will not give us away. It might be that I have to warn you of an attack on the spur of the moment, so it needs to be both something you might carry all the time and something that would go unnoticed." He paused, frowning, but internally pleased to have something to turn his mind to so that he didn't stare overlong at Lupin. That simply would not do.
Remus watched Severus closely for a moment, studying him; it seemed that Severus had calmed down and wasn't angry with Remus for touching him, which was something of a surprise. As furious as Severus had been before their interlude, Remus had been certain he was in for the hexing of his lifetime, but Severus was behaving as if nothing had happened, that he hadn't just turned as feral as any werewolf in Remus' arms, that Remus hadn't just subdued him and brought him off. Perhaps being cooped up alone was affecting Severus' mind, or perhaps grief and guilt were making him emotionally unstable. Whatever the reason, Remus couldn't walk away from him now, and it wasn't only because the Order needed Severus' information.
It was personal, although what that meant for him, for Severus, and for Tonks he didn't know, and he didn't care to think about it at the moment.
"If it must be something I carry around all the time, it can't be money," he said with a self-deprecating smile. "The only things I have on me most of the time are my wand, a book, and maybe a quill and some parchment."
"Those would be sufficient, miserable though they are," Severus said, his mind seizing the problem gratefully, putting him on firmer ground. His voice took on a bit of a sneer, and he looked askance at Lupin, clinging to the old emotions he had lived with for so many years, ones that slipped around him like a familiar cloak. "No doubt you and your friends had ways of passing secret notes, as much trouble as you four were always into. What if we create something where I write on one parchment and it shows up on yours, and vice versa? And self erasing, for security."
Remus cleared his throat, trying to look as nonchalant as possible as he replied, "Yes, I think I can help create something like that."
He wasn't certain Severus knew he was "Mr. Moony" from the infamous Marauder's Map, and he wasn't eager to volunteer that information. But he remembered the kind of charms they'd used on the map, and he thought the same sort of magic could be used to create a means of communication for himself and Severus, and he would feel better if they had a more private and reliable way of getting in touch with one another.
"Very well." Severus' tone was brusque and businesslike, and he moved toward a desk which was placed along one wall of the room, pulling out several sheets of parchment and a bottle of ink. These he brought back to the table, banishing the foodstuffs and potion vials to one end with a quick flick of his wand.
Kneeling by the low table, he spread out the parchment, then raised an imperious brow at Lupin. "Do you think you can manage to enchant the ink, so that it will appear and disappear? What do you think, perhaps a keyword or phrase? I can link the two pieces of parchment together, so that what is written on one will appear on the other."
Selecting two pieces of parchment, Severus placed his wand over them, and began a chant in a deep, sing-song voice, tapping one sheet of parchment, then the second, then the first again.
Remus listened, mesmerized by the cadence of Severus' voice as it rose and fell, and he found himself leaning closer, drawn in despite himself. But there was a job to be done, and if he wasted time mooning over Severus instead of doing what he'd been instructed to do, Severus would sneer at him and call him an idiot.
Tearing his gaze away, he drew his wand and tapped the bottle of ink, murmuring enchantments that would make it appear and disappear as they wished. He hadn't worked magic this complicated in a long time, and it felt good. Being among the werewolves, unable to use magic because of their prejudices felt wrong, as if he'd cut off a vital appendage, and he relished being able to do something challenging again.
Severus finished his incantation, then waited, watching Lupin closely for any fault in his conjuring. He felt a grudging respect as Lupin cast the charms, since it was obvious that he knew what he was doing.
"Passable," he admitted, looking at Lupin critically down the length of his nose. "I had not suspected that your penchant for trouble might actually turn out to be useful one day, rather than wreaking havoc as it used to do. Now, for the quills."
Placing two new quills into the ink, Severus tapped the bottle and again began to chant. As he did so, the ink slowly disappeared from the bottle, being sucked up into the quills until the white feathers had turned ebony. He plucked the quills from the now-empty bottle, and laid one atop each piece of parchment.
Raising a challenging brow, he gestured toward the items. "Do you think you are capable of finishing the enchantment, creating a password for the items so that only we may use them? And if you are contemplating using something ridiculous like 'cockroach clusters' or 'sherbet lemon', Lupin, I warn you in advance that I shall hex you where you sit." The memory of Albus' annoying cute passwords caused Severus a pang, but it was easier to deal with that than thinking about how graceful Lupin's hands were as he conjured.
A half-smile quirked Remus' mouth at the almost-compliment Severus bestowed on him. "Passable" from Severus was glowing praise indeed, although he wondered what choice words Severus would have to say if he knew about how Remus had used his skills for mischief in the past.
"I think I can manage it," he replied, his tone and expression bland.
Lifting his wand, he wove another intricate spell, and he lifted his gaze to meet Severus' as he spoke the password in a clear, strong voice. "Lifeline."
Severus couldn't mask his surprise as Lupin enchanted the items and chose such an appropriate password, one that was, in some ways, rather ominous in its implications. He had fully expected Lupin to chose something irritatingly frivolous, something that Severus could barely bring himself to utter. "That will do," he said grudgingly. Reaching out, he picked up the nearest quill, muttered "Lifeline", then began to write on the parchment.
"Well?" he asked, glancing at Remus. "Is it working?"
The other piece of parchment fluttered with a silent vibration, and Remus picked it up, watching as words formed in a thin, almost feminine script: Lupin, you are not as incompetent as I thought, but you are still a dunderhead.
In spite of the tumultuous, volatile emotion of the evening, or perhaps because of it, Remus laughed, a warm, rich sound that surprised even him. He couldn't remember the last time he'd had occasion to laugh.
"Yes, Severus. It's working," he said, blue-green eyes sparkling with amusement.
"Good... and I thought you were a wolf, not a hyena," Severus groused, although one corner of his lips quirked in surprising amusement before he sternly suppressed it. It felt odd to hear Lupin laugh, but even odder that after everything that had happened this evening, the sound didn't irritate Severus, the fact of which ended up annoying him instead.
"I believe that will do," he said, voice becoming brusque again as he retreated from any sense of companionship the laughter had beckoned him toward, rising to his feet in a graceful movement. I am merely not used to so much solitude... we are not friends. We never will be. This is business. Survival. That is all that it is, and I must never allow myself to forget it, no matter what happens.
Recognizing the dismissal, Remus stood as well, not quite knowing what to do. After what had passed between them, it seemed wrong somehow to leave with only a terse word of farewell, but it wasn't appropriate for him to do anything more either. For one thing, they weren't lovers, and he doubted there would be a repeat performance. For another, there was Tonks to consider, and even if Severus was willing to let Remus touch him, Remus couldn't betray her again.
"Very well, then." He offered a small smile in lieu of a touch. "Good night, Severus. I'll be in touch."
Severus nodded, black eyes suddenly intense as he watched Lupin for a long moment. There was uncertainty on Lupin's face, and Severus wondered if Lupin were going to apologize after all. The thought caused his jaw to clench, and he brought up his mental shields again, so that Lupin couldn't see how much the thought twisted Severus inside.
"Or I will, if the Dark Lord plans anything further," he said, crossing his hands over his arms chest. "Try to keep from messing anything up, Lupin. We have a job to do." Which was the truth, but Severus couldn't pretend, even to himself, that it was the entire truth. Things were far more complicated now.