McKay (scribbulus_ink) wrote in time_of_storms, @ 2006-01-07 13:19:00 |
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Entry tags: | chronological, joint |
September 22, 1997
Original poster: werwolfoflondon
Music: Bat Out of Hell, by Meatloaf
The next time Severus woke was far more pleasant than the previous time. Not only was the pain level substantially lower than before, but he was also being held closely against a hard, warm body, one slender leg tangled between his own and the comforting weight of an arm across his waist. He remembered being in the bathtub, supported by Remus as Remus ran a sponge over his body. He must have fallen asleep, and that meant Remus had moved him to the bed, doing it so smoothly and gently that Severus hadn't woken.
Severus lay still for a while, contemplating the change in their relationship and deciding that even though it made him more vulnerable in many ways, he wanted it. He needed it, needed to feel as though there were some reason he was fighting this war, other than for a promise made to a man now dead. Even more than for the reason that it was the right thing to do; ideals were fine for Gryffindors, perhaps, but Slytherins preferred things to come down to a far more personal and tangible goal.
Exactly how personal that goal was, however, Severus did not wish to contemplate. Remus was here, and Remus had said that both he and the wolf wanted Severus. Severus certainly wanted Remus, had done so for a long time. But anything beyond that wanting threw Severus adrift into unknown territory, and he drew away from the vulnerability of feelings with which he had no experience. It was enough that he trusted Remus and had allowed Remus closer than anyone else had ever been allowed before. And even if a part of Severus suspected that it was far, far too late to save himself from falling, Severus shied away from the thought of that yawning, unknown abyss that was his own heart.
I am here, and he is here. That is enough, for it is all we really have, he thought, pulling away from Remus just enough so that he could turn over to face him. There are no guarantees in this life, and this is a time when the Slytherin way makes the most sense: take what you can at the moment, for tomorrow may leave you with nothing at all.
Wrapping an arm around Remus' shoulders and throwing a leg over his thigh, Severus leaned in, rubbing his cheek along the bearded line of Remus' jaw, purring in pleasure at the rasp against his skin. He longed to touch and taste, to live the moment as though it would be their last... for there was no guarantee that once they left this room, that it might not well end up being exactly that.
Remus stirred and sighed, drawn back to the waking world at a gradual pace by the soft purr and gentle nuzzling. Before he was fully awake, before he even opened his eyes, he instinctively nestled closer and nuzzled back, his sleepy brain wanting to hear more of that pleasant sound and his sleepy body already responding to it.
"Severus," he murmured, his voice deep and drowsy. The warm, familiar scent filling his nose let him know who was in his arms - and whose leg was draped over his - and he trailed one hand along the length of Severus' bare back, a low growl rumbling in his chest at the feel of silken skin beneath his fingertips.
The wolf roused as well, urging him on, and he peeked out at the world just enough to help him seek and find Severus' mouth, claiming it, slipping his tongue between Severus' lips to taste and explore at his leisure. He sighed again with pleasure this time as he continued the kiss, slow and deep and drugging. This was what he wanted; this was what he needed.
The sound of his name uttered in Remus' deep, sleepy voice caused Severus to moan softly, and he arched into the caress of Remus' fingers down his back. He shivered in reaction as Remus began to growl, parting his lips eagerly to accept the invasion of Remus' tongue.
Tightening the muscles of his leg, Severus pulled their hips closer, seeking friction even as he returned Remus' kiss, sliding his tongue along Remus', exploring with languid hunger. Moving his hand from Remus' shoulder, Severus raked his nails down Remus' back, before resting it on the swell of Remus' arse and squeezing gently.
With a hungry little growl, Remus arched against Severus' hand, enjoying the pleasure-pain of nails scraping his skin, and he willingly shifted closer, wanting the press of Severus' body against his and the slide of heated skin against skin. Parting his lips, he welcomed Severus' tongue, moaning into Severus' mouth.
A tiny part of his mind fretted that Severus might have a relapse from the exertion, but Remus was still drowsy, his mind easily controlled by the needs of his body, and his body craved Severus' touch. Instinct urged him to move, a slow, lazy roll of his hips as he sought the sweet friction that would offer relief for the primal need building within him.
Desire had completely overcome any lingering pain as Severus pressed against Remus, and he gave a hungry groan as Remus moved against him. He pulled back from the kiss with a nip of teeth at Remus' lower lip, staring at Remus' passion-reddened lips for a long moment before raising his eyes to drink in the sight of the need written in the lines of Remus' flushed face. Severus felt a burst of intense satisfaction at knowing that look was for him, that he had caused it, and that Remus wanted him, hungered for him in a way that had nothing to do with comfort or charity or any nonsensical thoughts of Gryffindor nobility. Severus hungered for Remus, for the wolf, and he wanted to make Remus burn as he himself was burning.
"I want you. All of you... both of you," he muttered thickly, placing his arm securely around Remus' shoulders once again. Then Severus rolled onto his back, pulling Remus on top of him and arching backwards with a gasp of pleasure at Remus' weight pinning him down. Dark eyes glittered with the depth of his need as he wrapped his legs around Remus' waist, rubbing their groins together, the slide of smooth, hard skin against his own inflaming him even further.
Moaning, Severus ran his hands restlessly up and down Remus' back, his mind racing and a frisson of wild, primal fear running down his spine at the thought of what he wanted to do, what he felt he needed to do. It was a symbol, a gesture Severus wanted to make, and he knew that if he didn't do it now, with the uncertainty of their lives he might not ever get the chance again. Bellatrix had shown him that there were no guarantees that either he or Remus would live even another day, and Severus was sick to death of the regrets in his life for the myriad roads he had not taken. Dammit, this was one he intended to take; he had been haunted by remorse for not having taken Remus' offer of friendship months ago, and he was determined not to let any outside forces take away his choice ever again. Even if Remus rejected him - although Severus didn't think that he would - this was one decision that Severus was going to make because he damned well wanted to, and the rest of the world for once could bloody well go to hell.
Holding Remus' eyes, Severus drew a deep breath, his face flushed with arousal and a trace of fear of rejection, before he tipped his head back on the pillow, exposing his throat literally and figuratively in a silent invitation.
Remus stared down at him, stunned, while the wolf within him howled with glee, eager to accept the offer and stake its claim. Mine! it insisted, but Remus was too dazed to act, scarcely able to believe that Severus - Severus! - was doing this.
Amazement mingled with reverence as he propped himself on one elbow and gazed down at Severus, wanting to show proper appreciation for such a significant gesture of trust. He trailed his fingertips along the length of Severus' throat, caressing lightly, and then he bent his head to drag his tongue along the pale column, ending with a little lick of Severus' chin. The salt tang of Severus' skin saturated his taste buds when he fastened his teeth on Severus' neck, biting down lightly at first.
A low growl rose from the depths of his chest unbidden, but Severus was talking to the wolf in its own language, and it was determined to answer. He bit down harder and then sucked, not breaking the skin, but asserting his strength, reinforcing the unspoken knowledge that he could do far more than break the skin, but he wouldn't. Severus was safe with him. Severus belonged to him now, and he would protect Severus, not cause him harm.
"Mine," he whispered, echoing the wolf, and he nuzzled and lapped at the mark, soothing it with lips and tongue.
Severus hissed with pleasure as Remus bit him, shivering in delight at the growl and the possessive words. He wanted to be possessed, wanted to belong to the wolf in every way possible. No one had ever reacted to Severus like this before, and the desire of the wolf was undeniable, could not be faked or misrepresented. With all the horror and uncertainty surrounding them, Severus craved this act, this symbol, in a way he had craved very few things in his life.
"Yours," he gasped, arching backward, offering himself up to Remus with wanton abandon. If anyone had ever told him a year ago that he would be submitting like this to anyone, much less Remus Lupin, he would have hexed them for daring to suggest such a thing. But the world had changed, and if all they were guaranteed was this moment, then Severus was determined to have it.
Moving restlessly beneath Remus, Severus pulled urgently at Remus' hips. "I know you will not hurt me, neither you nor the wolf. Let it out... if I am yours, then don't hold back. Show me." His voice was ragged with need, and with a moan, he captured Remus' lips again, kissing him fiercely, urging with hands and hips and mouth for Remus to possess him completely.
Remus' mind raced even as he returned the kiss, and he felt as if he were floundering out of his depth. Severus was asking for things he had never given before, and he wasn't even certain how to give them. Never had a lover offered themself like this to him, and never had he willingly loosened his control over the wolf, especially during sex. It had only happened when Severus goaded him, and that had unsettled him deeply.
If he refused, he might damage Severus' pride again, and he didn't want to ruin everything when it seemed they had finally reached a measure of peace and understanding, but never had he not held back, never had he not kept tight control over the wolf, never had he not kept a part of himself in reserve.
"No one has ever asked that of me before," he murmured. "All my life, I've learnt to fortify my control, not relinquish it. I don't know if I can, but... I'll try."
Severus continued to run his hands up and down Remus' back, suddenly feeling the need to comfort in return, sensing Remus' uneasiness, his inner struggle. It was an odd feeling, this wanting to console someone else, but given that this was Remus, Severus decided to give in to the impulse.
"I will take whatever you are comfortable giving," he said quietly, nuzzling his nose against Remus' ear. "I am not afraid, but I have no wish to push you beyond your limits. Do whatever it is you wish to do, and I will meet you half way. That is what this is about, is it not? Not my pride, nor yours. I seem somehow to have ended up belonging to you... I have no idea what will happen to us tomorrow, but for right now, in this place, we can be what we choose to be. Choose, then, Remus... and whatever you decide, I respect your choice."
Had the moment between them been less serious, Remus might have been tempted to ask 'who are you, and where is the real Severus Snape?', surprised as he was by Severus' words. Never had he imagined having this conversation with Severus, of all people, but here they were, and Severus was right: tomorrow was uncertain, but they had this place and this moment, and it was entirely theirs. Here, there was no one to judge or place expectations on them, and they were free. Free of duty, free of fear, free to be themselves without the masks in place.
In the midst of this strange new liberation, Remus was certain of one thing above all else, and he lifted his head, gazing steadily into Severus' dark eyes.
"I choose to be yours," he said. "Your wolf. Yours alone."
A fierce wave of possessive satisfaction washed over Severus at Remus' words, and with a purr of satisfaction he moved his hands up to frame Remus' face. "Mine," he murmured in response, returning Remus' gaze steadily, opening himself up to Remus as he had to only one other person before, although for a very different reason. Then, applying gentle pressure, he pulled Remus' face down to his, claiming Remus' lips in a gentle kiss that nevertheless managed to convey the possessive hunger he felt for Remus.
Moaning into the kiss, Severus pulled Remus closer, wanting - needing - to feel their bodies joined, united, fused, moving in the most primitive dance of all. Amid all the death and uncertainty, amid all the evil, they would grasp at life, at the one thing good that was left to them and was completely within their power.
Remus' answering moan echoed Severus' as need overtook him. The openess and trust Severus was giving him was overwhelming, making his protective instincts surge even stronger, and he silently vowed to do anything and everything in his power to keep Severus safe and alive. He had found a reason to care about his life again, to care about surviving the war, and determination burned bright and hot within him.
Stretching out his hand, he summoned his wand wordlessly and tapped Severus' hip, stretching and preparing him, wanting to claim Severus' body again, but not in anger this time. No, this time, he caressed Severus' cheek as he positioned himself and eased forward; he gazed down, letting Severus see that all masks had been put aside, offering himself laid bare as he filled Severus with a languid slide of flesh. He bent his head, brushing a reverential kiss against Severus' lips, letting Severus see the pleasure in his eyes as Severus' body welcomed and sheathed him.
He closed his eyes, calling forth the wolf and letting it join in the claiming, and when he opened his eyes again, they glowed with a feral light, the wolf rising in the blue-green depths. A growl rumbled in his chest as he moved sinuously against Severus, within Severus, his thrusts becoming harder and rougher as the wolf grew more demanding.
Holding Remus' gaze, Severus reveled in the removal of all the barriers between them, physical and mental. He held his breath as Remus brought them together, returning Remus' exquisitely gentle kiss with feeling, knowing that no matter what happened in the future, nothing between them would ever be the same again.
"Yes!" he snarled as he saw the wolf rising in Remus' eyes, the hunger firing his own to an almost unbearable degree. Answering Remus' growl with a cry of his own, Severus dug his heels into the base of Remus' spine, meeting each thrust, joining in the rhythm with a wild abandonment he had never experienced before. The darkness in Remus, the feral demands of the wolf called to the darkness within Severus, and he eagerly joined with it, nails digging into Remus skin as he urged Remus on.
Never had Severus been so thoroughly claimed, so taken; never had he wanted to be. Only with Remus, only with the wolf could he give up all his masks, abandon himself to the pleasure with no fear. Somehow what was passing between them was deeper than anything he had experienced before, a fusion more complete than the mere joining of their bodies, causing every other encounter in Severus' life to pale into insignificance. This was possession, and Severus gave himself over to it with a passion he never suspected he could feel.
Remus hissed at the feel of Severus' nails digging into his back, the pain spurring the wolf on; he could scarcely tell where his need left off and the wolf's began, and he stopped trying, he and the wolf reveling together in the sight and feel of Severus in the throes of passion beneath them.
Never had he imagined Severus would be such a creature of passion, and he delighted in the discovery; never had he felt such a connection to a lover before, but he had never been with anyone like Severus, whose darkness matched his own, who wanted the wolf as much as he wanted the man. Nothing could ever compare to the freedom he felt in Severus' arms, and he threw his head back to howl, no other sound sufficient to express the wild, feral joy coursing through him in this shining moment.
Sliding one hand between their bodies, he curled his fingers around Severus, stroking him as he drove relentlessly into Severus' pliant body, wanting more, wanting deeper, wanting to bury himself within Severus.
The howl Remus gave caused Severus to gasp, desire searing him to his soul at the primal sound. This was his Remus, his wolf, and he took fierce satisfaction in being joined to both aspects.
"Remus!" His voice was ragged, a choked cry escaping Severus as Remus' hips and hand urged him inexorably closer to the precipice, then pushed him over it, sending him hurtling into white-hot blaze of pure ecstasy. Arching backward, Severus gave himself over to it, letting it consume him, unable to tell where his body ended and Remus' began.
Sweating, breathing hard, Severus opened his eyes, staring raptly into Remus' face, wanting to see Remus coming undone, wanting to watch the ultimate moment when the desires of wolf and man joined into a single entity at the height of pleasure.
Damp tendrils clung to Remus' face and neck as he watched Severus avidly, drinking in the sight of his pleasure. Severus had let go, had come completely undone because of him, had let him see what he felt certain no one else had ever seen, and he cherished the gift.
His own arousal was spiraling out of control, and he let it, losing himself in the heat and sweat and need of the moment, losing himself within Severus until he was overcome, chanting Severus' name like a litany as he gave himself over to mind-shattering ecstasy.
Panting and utterly spent, he slumped on top of Severus, resting his forehead against Severus' breastbone as he tried to draw air into his starved lungs. The rich, heady musk of sweat and sex filled his nose, making him want to do nothing more than lap Severus' skin to taste that tantalizing scent. The scent of Severus - his Severus - sated and content. Unable to resist, he darted his tongue out and licked Severus' throat, growling with pleasure as he did.
Severus wrapped his arms around Remus, purring softly as he rubbed his cheek against the top of Remus' head. The sight of Remus' face as he shattered, the sound of his name on Remus' lips was an experience Severus knew that he would never forget, one that he would cherish forever in a secret part of his soul. No lover before had ever given Severus this intensity, had ever seemed to focus on Severus so fully, making him feel touched and pleasured in ways that went beyond the act of sliding, pounding bodies.
Hands trailing tenderly over Remus' damp back, Severus drew in a deep breath, then let it out in a shuddering sigh. A shiver of delight went down his spine as Remus licked his throat and growled, and Severus gave a wordless murmur of approval, delighting in this closeness. Normally he could not bear to be touched by anyone, but Remus was different. Severus craved the feel of Remus' skin with an intensity that was almost frightening.
"Thank you," Severus said quietly, continuing his slow caress of Remus' back, unwilling to move and end the moment between them. "I... I... " Words wouldn't come, and he stopped, then gave a soft snort of amusement. "You may have the distinction of being the first person to leave me speechless. Enjoy it while you can."
Remus chuckled as he arched against Severus' hand, enjoying the gentle caresses. He was surprised to learn Severus was capable of such tenderness, but apparently there was a lot Remus had to learn about Severus' hidden side, and the more he saw, the more he wanted to see.
"If I have my way, you'll be rendered speechless on a regular basis," he said, smiling as he nuzzled his bearded cheek against Severus' smooth one. "Although I'm not sure why you're thanking me. It was my pleasure too. No one has ever accepted the wolf the way you do."
No one has ever accepted me at all, the way that you do. The words were there, but Severus couldn't speak them. He had been more open and vulnerable with Remus than with anyone before in his life, but somehow that admission would be too much, too soon, and his natural reticence - ignored until now - reared up, stifling the words unuttered.
"I shall expect new and inventive feats to curb my tongue," Severus replied instead, voice a low drawl of satiation as he turned his attention away from uncomfortable personal thoughts and concentrated instead on their physical relationship. "I warn you, I have a high threshold of bemusement, so you will no doubt be kept quite busy thinking up new ways to accomplish it."
"I accept the challenge." Remus rolled away from Severus long enough to retrieve his wand, and he cleaned them both up with a simple charm. Tossing his wand aside again, he wound both arms around Severus and nestled against his side, stroking Severus' chest gently. Perhaps it was Severus' acceptance of his dual nature, or perhaps it was the trust that had slowly grown between them, but whatever the reason, Remus felt comfortable and safe giving in to his long buried need for touch. "I'm certain I can come up with several ways to render you speechless with my strength alone before I have to start getting creative with props."
Severus watched as Remus moved away, grumbling under his breath at even the brief loss of contact. He arched into the caress of Remus' fingers, reveling in the petting. He blinked in shock, however, when Remus mentioned props, reaching out to tilt Remus' chin up so that he could look into Remus' eyes, his own narrowed with suspicion before he smirked in amusement. "I like the thought of strength... but... no, I see that you are serious about the props. Naughty wolf. It really is the quiet ones one has to watch out for."
Remus' lips curved in a feral smile, his eyes glittering as he met Severus' gaze. "You have no idea," he said, leaning over to lap Severus' nipple. "I won't do anything you don't like, of course, but..." He trailed his fingers down to caress Severus' stomach, his smile softening. "I've never been with anyone I trust enough to admit I have - naughty ideas. Not until now."
A startled hiss escaped Severus as Remus licked his sensitive flesh, and he wrapped his arms around Remus again, pulling him close and tight against his body. Dark eyes glittered in satisfaction at Remus' admission of trust, and Severus leaned in to captive Remus' lips in a brief, hard kiss. "You can admit anything to me," he murmured against Remus' lips, before pulling back enough to smirk slightly. "I will not say that I am up for anything you might dream up, but I am willing to... negotiate. Perhaps I even have a few ideas of my own that you will think rather naughty as well."
"I'm willing to negotiate as well," Remus said, a low growling undercurrent in his voice. The thought of doing naughty things with Severus was more than a little appealing, and he found himself quite curious about whatever ideas Severus might have. Nestling close, he tightened his arms around Severus and rested his head on Severus' shoulder, closing his eyes and giving a contented sigh. "I want to make you happy, Severus. There is so little happiness for either of us in the world outside, but we can have it here. We can create it for ourselves."
Severus felt as if he had been punched in the gut, but not in a bad way. It was just such a startling thought, and he held Remus close, closing his eyes and relaxing into their embrace. "I do not believe I have ever been happy in my life," he said quietly, his voice slightly ragged as though the admission were being torn from him. "I am not even certain that I know how to be. But I... I suppose... I am willing to try. Although I do not promise not to be a right bastard at times. It is something I simply cannot change."
Remus chuckled, turning his head to kiss Severus' shoulder. "I don't want you to change. Be a right bastard. I'll still try to give you some measure of happiness, or at least contentment. You're overdue, and perhaps the pleasure we share here will make what we face out there more bearable. This is ours," he said fiercely, draping his leg over Severus' and pressing closer as if trying to merge their bodies. "Nothing can change that."
"Ours."
Severus repeated the word as though he had never heard it before; perhaps he never had, at least not used in relation to himself. It was an frightening word in many ways, but Severus had no time for fear. Remus was offering him more than anyone else ever had, and Severus knew that he would be a fool to reject it, especially with the uncertainty of their lives. There were no guarantees outside this room, but within it... within it, they could control what happened. And Severus Snape liked to believe that he was no fool.
"Ours," he said again, his voice surer this time. He sighed, letting his eyes drift close, sated and, for once, content. Tomorrow was an unknown, but for this time, in this place, they could do and be whatever they wished. It wasn't much, perhaps, but at least it was something. It was enough, as Albus had been fond of saying, to be going on with.