McKay (scribbulus_ink) wrote in time_of_storms, @ 2005-11-29 10:42:00 |
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Original poster: werwolfoflondon
Music: Propinquity, by Michael Nesmith
The crack of Apparation was loud in his ears as he arrived back in his room, and Severus winced, feeling the headache which had started hours before rapidly developing into a thrumming, throbbing migraine. He scowled, stalking toward the shelves with their neatly labeled and arranged potions, reaching automatically for the deep green bottle of pain potion. Uncorking it, he raised it to his lips and swallowed, both craving the relief but also fearing it, for the release from pain would be followed by a return of his ability to think, to remember.
Severus most definitely did not want to remember.
He sighed as the pain began to fade, then turned abruptly, hurling the bottle into the fireplace with a snarl. Then he stripped off his black robe, glaring at it and seriously contemplating throw it in as well. He had never felt so strong a temptation to quit, to get out while he was still alive, to run away and let the world go to Hell its own way. The weight of responsibility sat heavily upon him, wearing him down, making him wonder if success, even if they could succeed, would be worth the price he was having to pay.
After a moment he grimaced, throwing the robes carelessly over a chair. Stalking over to the sofa, he sank down, letting his head fall limply against the back and flinging an arm across his eyes. He only wished it was as easy to block out the memories as it was to block out the light.
Things were tense in the werewolf camp; Ethan was in a foul mood thanks to Greyback and was looking to pick fights with anyone who looked at him the wrong way, and Remus decided it was time to make a strategic retreat. His thoughts immediately went to Severus, and he quelled the little voice that taunted him: you're just looking for any excuse to see him again, you maudlin fool. The voice sounded remarkably like Severus, which Remus found both amusing and appropriate.
It had been a while since his first Occlumency lesson; perhaps if Severus was agreeable, he could have another, one that wouldn't end in a quarrel. Slipping away from the camp, he Apparated to Severus' room and looked around, expecting to see Severus at work or perhaps in his chair reading.
What he didn't expect was to see Severus collapsed on the sofa, looking as if he were in pain, and he moved quickly to sit down beside Severus, watching him with growing concern.
"What's wrong?" he asked quietly. "What happened?"
Severus winced as Lupin Apparated in, then slowly lowered his arm, watching as Lupin sank down next to him. He frowned at the question, then gave a grumbling sigh. Lupin would no doubt drive him quite mad with pestering questions rather than letting him be in peace. Well, if Lupin wanted to know, Severus would give him all the gory details, and if it turned his stomach, Lupin would have only himself to blame.
"A Death Eater party," he said, voice tightly controlled. "The Dark Lord has rather amusing ideas about entertainment. This time it was torturing a Muggle woman, in order to see whose Cruciatus would cause her to scream the loudest. Unfortunately my position does not allow me to demur, and in fact, to save face, I had to make it look as though I were really enjoying it."
Lips twisting in self loathing, Severus clenched his fists, staring down at them as though he wished to deny that the hands which had dealt so much suffering actually belonged to him. "Killing her would have been kinder. If I could have, I would... I would have rather have traded places with her, but I am too damned necessary!"
There was pain in his voice, and Severus dropped his head into his hands, wishing Albus Dumbledore were there so that he could kill him all over again for making him go through this.
Remus regarded him silently, contemplating what Severus had said and the obvious pain Severus was in. He couldn't say he wasn't horrified, but he knew Severus had only done was what necessary to maintain his cover, and Severus was right: he was necessary. Remus only hoped that the toll Severus' burden took on him wasn't too great for him to bear in the end. Severus' agony might serve the greater good, but Remus considered it neither right nor fair.
Smoothing his hand along the back of Severus' head, Remus scooted closer, pressing against Severus' side. "You are indeed necessary," he said. "It's difficult, I know, but you're only doing what you must, and you aren't taking pleasure in it. That's the difference between you and them. That's what makes you human and them monsters."
Severus stiffened instinctively at the gentle caress; part of him wanted to push Lupin away, to draw in upon himself and nurse the pain alone. Another part, a part that he despised for its weakness, craved the comfort, craved having Lupin tell him that he wasn't like the people he was having to associate with day after day.
It was an internal battle, one that Severus clenched his jaw against, not wanting to lose his dignity. But then the face of the woman rose up in his mind, her pleading eyes and screams of terror something that he knew would haunt his dreams, alongside the face of Albus Dumbledore as he tumbled backward off the Astronomy Tower.
"I hate them," he said, voice low and bleak. "I hate the position I am in, not being able to fight back, having to watch, powerless to change it. And worse... I remember. There was a time, you know, when I did such things willingly, when they did not eat at me. Perhaps that is what makes it so much worse; knowing that had things been different, I would be the same as they are. Exactly the same."
"You hate it because you aren't like them anymore, and you know how abhorrent they are." Remus continued stroking Severus' hair, sifting his fingeres through it gently. "I know it's difficult and painful, but what you're doing is for the greater good, much comfort as that may be."
Capturing Severus' chin in his free hand, he coaxed Severus to face him and leaned close to brush a lingering kiss against Severus' lips. "You're done enough for one day," he said, his voice low and husky as he gazed into Severus' dark eyes. "Let the greater good take care of itself for now, and let me take care of you."
Severus' eyes widened as Lupin kissed him, shuddering at the gentle touch and having to hold himself very still to keep from drawing away. He wasn't used to gentleness, to being cared for, and he most definitely didn't deserve it, not after... that. He felt tainted and unclean, unworthy of being comforted, no matter how much the annoyingly weak part of him might crave it.
"What do you intend to do?" he asked, keeping his voice carefully neutral. He wasn't certain what Lupin had in mind, and his protective instincts were too much in play for him to be able to quell his innately suspicious nature.
"Whatever you'll allow," Remus said, smoothing Severus' hair back from his face and tucking it behind his ear. "I imagine you've had quite enough of being forced for one day, so now I'll give you choices, and there will be no bad consequences if you refuse." He tilted his head, and if he'd had wolf ears, they would have been cocked as he regarded Severus speculatively. "Do you have a tub?"
"A tub?" Severus repeated, eyes narrowing in speculation as he resisted the urge to lean into the caress. Lupin's words somehow eased him, and while he didn't feel worthy of it, he longed to give in, to allow someone else to make the decisions, to let him forget for a little while the horrors he had seen, and the ones that he would no doubt see again, far sooner than he would like.
"Yes, there is a tub, a rather large one," he said slowly, wondering at the wheels he could almost see turning in Lupin's mind. "Despite Potter and Black's assertions to the contrary, I did and do attend to personal hygiene. Are you telling me I should go bathe, then?"
Clasping Severus' hand, Remus rose to his feet and gently tugged Severus to his as well, smiling. "No, I'm suggesting that you let me draw you a hot bath and bathe you. I'll even scrub your back and wash your hair for you."
Although he would never admit as much to Severus, given how the mere mention of Tonks' name made Severus sneer, Remus had learned how relaxing - and sensual, although he was trying not to think about that - it was to share a bath. Tonks had helped him scrub away the filth of his life in the wild several times, and if it felt as good to Severus as it always had to him, Remus thought it would help Severus feel a little cleaner inside and out.
Rising to his feet, Severus led the way to the bath, deciding to go along with it for now, although he was highly skeptical about Lupin's sudden urge to clean him. If he didn't like it, however, he could always put a stop to it.
He was surprisingly unconcerned about being nude in front of Lupin. Perhaps it was because of what had already passed between them making modesty somewhat moot, or maybe he was more weary than he thought. Whatever the reason, he merely paused inside the bathroom door, inclining his head in the direction of the tub. "Very well, Lupin. This is your idea, so you tell me what to do."
Remus went straight to the tub and turned on the water, testing it until it was hot enough to generate steam and might help Severus feel purified of the figurative dirt clinging to him after his horrific ordeal, but not hot enough to scald him. He plugged the drain so the tub would begin to fill, and he drew his wand, and with a flick of his wrist, frothy white bubbles began to fill the tub along with the water.
As the tub filled, Remus dropped his wand on the sink counter and returned to Severus, reaching out to unbutton Severus' shirt. He eased the garment over Severus' shoulders and down his arms, every touch slow and gentle as he skimmed his fingertips along Severus' skin. Kneeling, he tapped Severus' right leg, signaling him to lift it so Remus could remove his shoe and sock, and then he did the same for Severus' left foot before standing up straight again.
Severus' trousers and underpants were next, and Remus removed them with as much neutrality as he could muster, although he couldn't keep from sneaking a covert admiring gaze at Severus' lean body, his hands itching to caress every inch of it.
Instead, he bent and scooped Severus up in his arms with one arm behind his knees and one behind his back, and he carried Severus over to the tub, lowering him into the steamy bubble bath with tender care.
Dark eyes watched Lupin's movements as he set about filling the tub, one brow raising at the sight of the bubbles. He didn't say a word, however; Lupin seemed to have a plan in mind, and for now Severus would go along with it. At least it was a distraction from the morose thoughts and guilt which had threatened to overwhelm him.
His silence continued as Lupin undressed him, and Severus felt a tingle of gooseflesh breaking out across his skin at the light slide of Lupin's long fingers over his skin. He pulled his mind away from any further thought of those hands on his body, however, or the memory of how it had felt. This was not a seduction, and Lupin had made it very obvious last time they were together that despite any attraction he had toward Severus, Lupin was not interested in anything more intimate. The thought still rankled, but it was probably better this way. Although letting Lupin "help" might end up driving him absolutely mad in the end.
It wasn't until he found himself being hoisted up in Lupin's arms that Severus made a sound, this one a strangled gasp of surprise as he grasped Lupin's shoulders. Of course he knew that Lupin was incredibly strong; that was part of his curse. But it was quite different to see such a blatant display as this, which was even more obvious than his easy pinning of Severus against the wall. Severus was thin, but he was not a small man, and the thought of someone being capable of lifting him like a child was frighteningly arousing.
Still, he wouldn't be who he was if he let something like that go unremarked, and he gave a faint scowl as Lupin lowered him into the water. "I am hardly a child, Lupin. I would not have fought against getting into the tub, you know."
The protest was only a token, however, and the warmth of the water on his skin was incredibly relaxing. Almost against his will Severus relaxed back against the edge of the tub, breathing in deeply of the scented steam. This was rather decadent, really, although Severus had never really considering bathing anything more than a necessary chore to get through each day. He had always had far too much going on in his life to dawdle in a mass of bubbles just for the sake of relaxation.
With a sigh, Severus closed his eyes. Lupin probably thought he was some kind of idiot, but the man was being helpful. Even if that was all he wanted to be.
"Transportation is part of the service," Remus replied mildly as he straightened and perused the shelves. The bathroom was just as opulent as the rest of this place, and he had a wide variety of choice when it came to bath oils and salts, soaps, and washing accouterments. Picking up a pitcher and basin, he tapped the pitcher to fill it with hot water and sat it down on the floor next to the tub, and then he went to select a bottle of shampoo, sniffing each bottle on the shelf until he found one that didn't smell overtly feminine.
Kneeling behind Severus, he shielded Severus' eyes with one hand and pouring the warm water over his hair with the other, wetting it thoroughly, and then he reached for the shampoo he'd chosen, pouring a generous dollop into his palm.
"I understand what it's like to feel unclean," he said in a low, soothing tone as he worked the shampoo into Severus' hair, his fingers massaging Severus' scalp with a firm touch. "I understand what it's like not to feel like you deserve kindness."
Severus snorted at Lupin's comment about transportation, then watched with hooded eyes as Lupin determinedly sniffed what seemed to be every bottle lining the not inconsiderable shelves. He leaned back as Lupin took up position behind him, making a small gasp of surprise at how good the water felt on his scalp, how soothing was the warmth and the feeling of Lupin's fingers running through his hair.
But as good as it felt, Severus couldn't help giving a weary, heartfelt sigh. "If only it were so easy to wash away the mental stain as the physical ones," he muttered, flicking one hand and watching the bubbles fly up to land against the tiled wall, then begin to slide slowly downward, leaving a wet streak like tears in their wake.
He turned his head slightly, looking back at Lupin with dark eyes that reflected his troubled thoughts. "I do not deserve kindness; I have never even sought to deserve it. Other people... they annoy me. I find them mostly useless cattle or arrogant idiots, and in all these years I have seen little reason to revise my opinion. I am hardly a candidate for sainthood, Lupin. Kindness is not something that I have received from anyone. Even as a child."
"Then I would say you're overdue for a little," Remus said, his placid tone and demeanor belying the twist of sympathy and sadness Severus' words evoked.
Tapping the pitcher, he refilled it and rinsed Severus' hair, combing his fingers through it until all sudsy residue was washed away. Putting the pitcher aside, he rose and returned to the shelves, picking up a natural sponge and a bar of lavender soap. Dipping the sponge into the bath water, he soaped it up and knelt by the tub again, reaching to clasp Severus' wrist and lifting his arm so it could be scrubbed thoroughly.
"Sainthood isn't a requirement for kindness," he continued, focusing on the gleam of Severus' pale, wet skin in the wake of the sponge so he wouldn't risk drowning in Severus' eyes. "Although I can hardly deny your attitude is off-putting. It's difficult for most people to muster sympathy or kindness for someone who regards them as useless and stupid. That doesn't mean you don't deserve it, though."
His mouth quirked in a little smile as he dragged the sponge over to begin scrubbing Severus' chest. "I've no doubt I annoy you, and that I'll continue to annoy you, but I plan to continue being kind. You need it, especially now."
"You annoy me greatly," Severus replied immediately, but the words had little impact, spoken as they were in a languid tone. His gaze became thoughtful for a moment, and then he reached out, curling a hand around Remus' wrist to stop the motion of the sponge.
"If you are doing this just to keep me reporting to the Order, Lupin, then you are wasting your time," he said quietly. "I am not doing it because I care what anyone thinks about me - not even you. I am doing it because I gave my word, and because even as much as most people shun me, and I them, it is the right thing to do. If the Dark Lord wins this war, there will be pain and suffering and death the likes of which has not been seen before." He paused, lips twisting slightly in a bitter smile. "As useless and stupid as most people are, no one deserves what the Dark Lord is planning to do. I do not need your kindness as either a reward or an enticement. Nothing, not even your contempt, would sway me from what I must do."
Severus dropped his gaze, staring at his hand where it encircled Lupin's wrist. What he could not say, of course, because it would reveal too much, was that Lupin's kindness was appreciated. Lupin was already too close to him, and Severus could not make himself more vulnerable than he already was.
"I'm not doing this for any other reason than I want to." Remus tugged his wrist free of Severus' grasp and guided him to lean forward so Remus could scrub his back, following the path of the sponge with firm scratching with his free hand. He liked having his back scratched, so perhaps Severus might like it as well, and this entire scenario was meant to relax Severus and make him feel better about being in his skin again.
"I know you well enough to know you'd continue doing whatever you pleased and be damned to what anyone thought," he continued. "That you're so determined to do the right thing, no matter the cost, makes you worthy of respect - and kindness. I'm here because you shouldn't have to do it alone and because I want to help you."
Leaning forward, face obscured by the damp tendrils of his hair, Severus allowed himself a brief smile of satisfaction. Then Lupin began to scratch his back, and Severus gave a soft moan, enjoying the sensation of nails rasping on his skin far more than he should... far more than was safe for the act of kindness that it was.
"You have helped me," he admitted finally, voice low as he fought down the arousal which was caused as much by Lupin's words as the touch upon his skin. At least the damned frivolous bubbles were useful for something, allowing him to keep what remained of his dignity.
The tension of the events of earlier in the day was quickly being replaced by a different kind of tension, but Severus was not going to let Lupin extend his kindness that far. Not again, not like before. Kindness he could make himself accept, but more, without reciprocity, would seem more like Lupin was taking pity on him and his loneliness. That was something that Severus simply would not allow.
"Good." Heedless of his sleeve, Remus scrubbed his way down Severus' back and then moved to his other arm, lifting it and washing it as slowly and thoroughly as the first.
There was something satisfying in the knowledge that he was the only one to do this for Severus - that he was the only one who had ever tried to take care of him. That Severus was allowing it added to the pleasure of doing so for Remus, although it had the added effect of fueling the wolf's already over-blown sense of responsibility. From the way it responded to Severus, one would think it had adopted him as a cub.
Or a mate.
Remus squelched that thought quickly. They might desire one another, but that was where it ended; Remus harbored no illusions about that.
Moving to the other end of the tub, Remus plunged his hand into the water and groped for Severus' ankle, hefting his leg. "You've helped me as well," he said as he began scrubbing Severus' leg from ankle to thigh. "This is the only place I can come and think about something other than werewolf politics or the Order."
Calling upon his years of discipline, Severus forced down his reactions to Lupin's touch, trying to view it as being as impersonal as Poppy or a Healer caring for him. Viewing it like that helped, making it a form of slow, pleasurable torture, making him wonder if he could ever smell lavender again and not associate it with Lupin, and with pleasure wanted but regrettably denied.
He bit down hard on a gasp as Lupin lifted his leg, sinking down in the water in order to make certain that he remained adequately shielded by the bubbles. "I imagine both subjects are thoroughly tiresome," he replied, distracting himself from the slide of the sponge over the sensitive skin of his thigh. "I was thinking myself that I would almost welcome a stack of essays to correct, or even one of Longbottom's bloody potion accidents."
Remus chuckled quietly as he lowered Severus' leg back into the water and reached for the other one. "You must be in dire need of escape or distraction to wish for such things. Perhaps one evening I'll write an essay and let you gleefully rip it to shreds."
Finishing the thorough washing of Severus' leg, he dropped the sponge in Severus' lap. "Care to finish up yourself, or shall I?" he asked cheekily.
Severus shot Lupin an aggrieved look, half-tempted to call Lupin's bluff, even though he knew it wouldn't be wise. Dropping his eyes, he picked up the sponge, quickly finishing what was necessary. Then he placed it carefully on the side of the tub, and raised a brow. "If you could hand me a towel, I think I can manage to get out under my own power."
Rising to his feet, Remus fetched one of the many thick, fluffy towels available, choosing a dark green one and warming it with a tap of his wand before unfolding it and holding it up, ready for Severus to wrap up in. He considered offering to dry Severus off, but that might be too much of a temptation, and so he contented himself with being a towel boy instead.
"You're able to stand and walk on your own after relaxing in a steaming hot bubble bath? That's what I call formidable will power indeed," he said lightly, choosing to take refuge in teasing to lighten the mood following the more serious conversation.
"You have no idea," Severus said drily, standing up and immediately wrapping the towel around his waist. The warmth was comforting, but he knelt and reached into his trouser pocket for his wand. With a murmured spell he dried his hair, then pointed it at his body to repeat the charm.
Looking at Lupin, Severus raised a brow, unable to resist goading Lupin back for the comment about finishing the bath himself. "I assume I may go dress myself now? Or did you have something else in mind that does not involve clothing?"
Well, that was a loaded question, Remus thought as he regarded Severus with a carefully neutral expression. His baser instincts urged him to rip away the towel, carry Severus off to the bed, and find a way to distract and relax Severus in ways that involved sweating, moaning, and naked writhing. But he knew if he let Severus touch him, he could very well be lost forever, and he wasn't prepared to take that risk.
"Being bathed isn't enough?" he asked lightly, retrieving his own wand to dry off his clothes. "It didn't take long for you to turn into a pampered hedonist, did it."
Severus gave a haughty sniff, then pointed his wand at the discarded clothing, banishing it to his bedroom. "It was surprisingly acceptable," he responded, although it had really been far more. He *did* feel better. Not wonderful, perhaps, but he could at least look at himself in the mirror and not feel the urge to put his fist through it in self-loathing.
Turning, he strode out of the bathroom, making his way to the sleeping area at one side of the large main room. Pulling out clean trousers and underpants, he dressed quickly, his back to Lupin. Then he rummaged around in a drawer, taking out a plain black jumper and pulling it over his head. He didn't bother with socks or shoes, but walked back toward Lupin, his expression serious.
"Thank you," he said simply. "I have no idea how I would have gotten through this without your help. I am not... good with emotions. Not even something as simple as gratitude. But your presence, your... kindness... has made a difference."
Warmth bloomed and spread throughout Remus' chest at the halting words, knowing as he did how little accustomed Severus was to saying such things to anyone, least of all someone he had long considered a hated enemy.
"You're welcome," he replied, a warm, open smile wreathing his features as he gazed at Severus. "I'm glad I could help. I hope I'll be able to continue as long as you need me."
As precarious as both their positions were, either of them could be killed, but as long as they both survived, Remus intended to do whatever he had to in order to keep Severus sane and grounded. When the war ended, provided they both survived, Severus wouldn't need him anymore, but he had this time, and it would be enough.
Severus nodded, unable to say anything to that which didn't sound soppy or idiotic. What he needed -- no, what he wanted from Lupin, and barely dared acknowledge it, even to himself -- wasn't on the agenda. But Severus wasn't going to risk rejection, not again. Lupin had admitted to being attracted to him, but obviously didn't feel Severus was worth the risk. Or maybe he felt Severus was a bad risk. Given the things Severus had to do, perhaps Lupin was even right.
Pushing away the dark thought, Severus cleared his throat, uncommonly unsure of himself for once. He hadn't lied to Lupin; positive emotions were difficult for him, leaving him feeling as though he were out of his depth. Part of him - the bitter, snarky part - still wanted to push Lupin away, because of things far in the past that were over and done. But another part, a much bigger part, knew that he needed Lupin, in order to remind himself of exactly who he was fighting for.
Albus would be amused, he thought sourly. He'd no doubt accuse me of having grown up at last.
"Do you play chess?" he asked suddenly, his eyes falling on the magnificent set which occupied one corner of the room. He didn't want to admit that he wanted Lupin to stay, but perhaps a game would last long enough to where Severus could finally fall into an exhausted sleep.
"I do, although it's been a long time," Remus said, following Severus' gaze to the elaborate and expensive set. "I've never been able to afford my own set, and there have been very few times in my life when I had anyone to play with anyway."
Moving across the room, he studied the chess set, trailing his fingertips along the finely worked mahogany board with its onyx and marble squares and gazing at it with open admiration. "I'm out of practice, so you'll probably trounce me with ease. That should cheer you up."
"The point of chess is not the victory, Lupin, it is the strategy that matters," Severus said airily, waving a hand as he slid into a chair on one side of the board. "It is often said that you learn more about a man's real motivations by watching his chess game than by reading his mind." One dark brow arched, and Severus' eyes gleamed with challenge. "Shall we find out if they are right?"
"If you like." Remus smiled as he took a seat opposite Severus. He was probably about to have his arse handed to him in a pathetic number of moves, but now he was curious to find out what Severus' strategy said about him.
Besides, it was an excuse to linger a while longer, and that was a far more pleasant thought than returning to camp - to the real world - once more.