McKay (scribbulus_ink) wrote in time_of_storms, @ 2005-11-08 15:25:00 |
|
|||
Entry tags: | chronological, joint |
August 26, 1997
Original poster: black_cauldron
Music: ...Baby One More Time, by Ahmet and Dweezil Zappa
With a sigh Severus kicked off his shoes, lifting his feet up to the sofa table and slouching backward, letting his head and neck relax against the supple leather as he closed his eyes. He had already discarded his robes and jacket, unbuttoning most of the buttons on his shirt, and a half-full tumbler of firewhiskey dangled from one hand.
The meeting with Voldemort had gone well - well, of course, meaning that Severus had survived it intact - but it was still like a knife through Severus with each new tale of death and destruction being spread at the hands of the Dark Lord's followers. His position meant that he heard all the reports, of course, but most of them were after the fact, for he had his own duties to attend, as well as dancing attendance on Voldemort every time that he was required to do so. It was a strain, and thus the need for Severus to relax, to try to divorce himself from the things he couldn't control, the people he couldn't save.
Taking another sip of the potent alcohol, Severus sighed again, wishing that he had more to look forward to than either brewing more potions or just going on to toss and turn restlessly in his bed. A new book to read would have been welcome, or even a game of chess with Flitwick, such as Severus had indulged in from time to time. The Charms professor had been an able opponent, and even if his unfailing good humor often caused Severus to snort in annoyance, the mental exercise had been a welcome distraction from the tedium of teaching and grading papers.
Bloody hell... at this point I would even relish a stack of first year essays to splash red ink upon. At least then I would have the anticipation of seeing the appalled looks on the students' faces when they were returned.
That thought reminded him of the look on Tonks' face in Lupin's hospital room a few days prior, and Severus' lips quirked into a smirk. The memory pleased him, the thought of being able to insult her with impunity and her be totally unaware that the man so easily destroying her little romance was none other than he.
Served her right, chasing after him as she did. He probably just gave in to her unsubtle blandishments as a defensive move. The woman is a pathetic little child, fawning after him like some lovesick infant. She does not deserve a man like...
Abruptly Severus cut off that thought, raising his glass to his lips and frowning as he drained the rest of the whiskey in a single gulp. His thoughts strayed to Lupin far too often these days, and Severus knew it was merely because Lupin was the only person who knew the truth, the only one Severus could trust, could turn to if he needed him. But it was dangerous to think that way about anyone, and particularly about Lupin. War was too uncertain, too terrible, and Severus could not allow himself to get attached to anyone. Lupin couldn't even be a friend much less anything more.
I do not want anything more! Severus thought, scowling. But then the expression smoothed out slightly, the alcohol doing its soothing work on his temper. At least Tonks won't be getting any more, either. And when this war is over, if I survive it, I am going to relish telling her exactly who it was that put an end to her foolishness.
It had only been a couple of days since Remus woke up in the hospital, but it felt like far longer. His chest was still a little sore when he moved in certain ways, but otherwise, he was quite well, and even a werewolf couldn't expect to bounce back immediately after taking a curse of that magnitude at point-blank range.
He'd received a letter from Molly, which he had read - and he was relieved to learn in it that Minerva was alive and well - but he was putting off responding to it, choosing to immerse himself in pack politics instead, which was simpler than trying to explain to Molly why she wouldn't be planning his and Tonks' wedding. Ever.
In his absence, Ethan had met with Greyback, who was boasting about his priviliged position and goading the pack for playing it safe and not turning more victims. Although Ethan didn't say as much, Remus could read between the lines and hear that Ethan had almost ended up in a fight with Greyback, which Remus thought boded well. If he could widen the rift, there was a chance that he could weaken the ties between Voldemort and the werewolves.
No matter what Severus said, Remus didn't want to see them hunted down and imprisoned or killed, or worse, disillusioned because they learned too late that they had put their trust in a liar, and if he could persuade some of them to flee until the war was over, he intended to do so.
That was reason enough to go and speak to Severus, since it was news that had the potential to affect the Death Eaters as well as the Order, but he decided not to announce his intention to visit. Instead, he would drop by unannounced; Severus had done the same to him at St. Mungo's, and he wasn't at all happy about Severus' performance that day. It had made ending his relationship with Tonks much more difficult and painful than it needed to be, and for what?
No doubt Remus would be treated to the same cold contempt as always. It had been nothing but a show for Tonks' sake, and while he knew he ought to dismiss it as Severus simply baiting Tonks just as he baited everyone else, he was unable to shake a sense of annoyance tinged with disappointment. Not wanting to examine those feelings too closely, he opted to focus on the annoyance as he Apparated to Severus' room.
His irritation wasn't assuaged in the slightest when he found Severus sprawled on the sofa, drinking - again. He remembered the night he'd found Severus getting pissed out of his mind, wondering if Severus was planning to take refuge in a bottle from now on.
"Severus. Good to see you relaxing for once," he said, an edge of sarcasm in his voice even though his expression was placid.
Dark eyes flew open wide with surprise when Severus heard the crack of Apparation, and he groped for his wand, bringing it up before recognizing Lupin and standing down from his alert stance. Mr. Calm-and-Collected spoke with a distinct edge to his voice, and Severus relaxed, tossing his wand on the table and leaning back once again, a lazy smile on his lips as he prepared himself for Lupin's complaints about his behavior. Lupin's presence caused him another kind of tension entirely, but this one was far more alluring, promising as it did a relief from the tedium of his evening.
"Yes, for once," he said, idly swirling the ice in his glass and giving Lupin a sidelong glance. "After hearing all about the chaos and death that I was unable to stop, I decided that I had given such a magnificent performance at being the Dark Lord's favorite minion that I deserved something to rinse the taste of it from my mouth. You seem to be doing better, Lupin; have you come by for another pain potion? I have a few prepared for you, just in case."
That isn't the only performance you've given, Remus thought, but he forced down his uncharitable thoughts at the reminder of how much pressure Severus was under and how difficult a position he was in.
"No, I came to tell you that Greyback spoke to our pack leader while I was away. It didn't go well," he said, moving to stand in front of the fireplace and clasping his hands behind his back.
From this vantage point, he had an excellent view of Severus' long legs propped up on the table and the pale column of his throat exposed by his unbuttoned shirt, but Remus ignored it, knowing it wasn't a sight meant for him. He'd caught Severus in a moment of repose without his armor on, that was all.
"Indeed," Severus drawled, leaning forward to deposit his tumbler on the table, before crossing his arms behind his head and stretching backwards luxuriously. "I am hardly surprised. Trying to hold a conversation with Greyback is roughly as difficult as trying to teach Potter Occlumency, and even more annoying. At least Potter's breath did not reek. So what is your leader planning to do? You need to tread carefully, Lupin; one wrong move, and the Dark Lord might decide that your group would serve him better as fur rugs in front of his hearth."
A part of Severus was disappointed at how calm Lupin was being. He had rather looked forward to getting called on the carpet for his behavior, so that he could respond in kind. The encounter with Tonks had made Severus feel alive again, and Lupin was threatening to once again be far too reasonable. Dammit, Severus would not be treated like he was Sirius-bloody-Black, with Lupin turning a blind eye to him!
"So, how is the intrepid Nymphadora?" he asked, eyes glittering. "Still hideously pink?"
"Ethan isn't foolish enough to challenge Greyback," Remus replied, regarding Severus with a cool mask firmly in place. "But Greyback is encouraging the pack to attack humans during the full moon, and Ethan is reluctant to take the chance, given the repercussions if anyone is caught. Apparently, Greyback mocked his courage, which isn't sitting well with Ethan. If I can't persuade him to ignore Greyback, he might lead the pack near a human town or village to claim victims and spread the curse."
He met Severus' maliciousness towards Tonks with mild inscrutability. "As for Tonks, I don't know. I haven't seen her since that day in the hospital."
"What will you do if that happens?" Severus asked, flowing to his feet and walking toward Lupin, one brow raised. "You will have your mind during the moon, you will know what is happening. Dare you warn the Order? I am certain the Dark Lord would not approve of your pack making more werewolves; allies or not, he is quite well aware of what would happen if the lycanthropes outnumbered the Death Eaters sufficiently."
Stopping next to Lupin, Severus smirked. "I did you a favor, did I not, helping you get rid of the little bint? Watching her moon over you for the last year went from amusing to annoying in very short order. She is as clumsy emotionally as she is physically."
"Greyback doesn't care about what You Know Who wants." Remus stood his ground as Severus approached him, encroaching on his space, and he met Severus' gaze steadily. "His goal is to create as many werewolves as possible, and he's trying to goad Ethan into helping. I'll warn the Order if I can, but it depends on how soon Ethan makes up his mind."
The smirk on Severus' face told Remus everything he needed to know: Severus had indeed been baiting Tonks, causing trouble because he could. Gone was the seductive voice purring "Remus" rather than "Lupin", gone was the ear nibbling and palm kissing. It was no longer necessary now that Severus had accomplished his goal in hurting Tonks.
"My relationship with Tonks was none of your business," Remus replied, his tone sharper than he meant it to be, but Severus was playing games with him - using him - and Remus felt like the idiot Severus named him for thinking that helping Severus would make any difference at all in how Severus saw him or treated him. "I'd already decided to end things. I didn't need your so-called favor. All it did was make things worse, much harder than it needed to be."
Severus ignored the comment about the werewolves, too intent now on Lupin's rising annoyance, so obvious in his voice and eyes. "I am certain you would have had as much success ending things with her as you had avoiding her in the first place. You do not have the stomach for hurting people, Lupin. You are too nice. But people take advantage of that. They push you in directions you do not wish to go. Your so-called friends did it in school, and Tonks did it to you after Albus died, didn't she?"
He gave an expressive shrug, curling his lip. "I rather think she would have cried and you would have played consoling lover; then she would have had her hooks in you for good, and you would have woken up married with six children and still trying to find a gentle way to let her down!"
A flush heated Remus' cheeks at Severus' words. He knew he let himself be led at times, often when he knew better, but he also knew Severus was wrong about how he would have handled things with Tonks if left to his own devices. When he let Tonks and Molly nudge him into the relationship in the first place, he didn't have any reason to refuse other than he simply didn't want it, which wouldn't have been an acceptable explanation. They would have asked why, poking holes in whatever excuses he offered, and it seemed easier to capitulate.
Now, however, he had a reason to refuse: Severus. Who was an utter bastard and wasn't at all worth giving up a woman who adored him, and yet Remus had done it. I really am an idiot, Remus thought bitterly.
"You really don't think much of me, do you?" Remus gave a mirthless chuckle. "I had made up my mind, and I would have broken off our relationship, no matter what. As it happens, she would have forgiven me, and it was my choice to end things. But even if you were right, it wouldn't excuse what you did. You hurt her needlessly, and for what?"
His voice had taken on a growling undercurrent in spite of his best intentions to remain calm, and a dangerous glint appeared in his eyes as he gazed at Severus. "Your own amusement? Because you could? Don't try to pretend you did it for my sake, because I know better. You were just using the situation - using me like everyone else does."
The light of battle was in Lupin's eyes, and the growl in his voice gave Severus a fierce tug of satisfaction, calling to the darkness within him like a siren's song. He stepped closer, peering down at Lupin with his own eyes becoming heated, the blood singing in his veins and warming him more than the alcohol did.
"Using you? Tonks was using you, was she not, so that she could feel like she was in love. But you let her do it, because it was enjoyable to you, even though you do not return her supposed feelings. Which means that you were also using her, for your own selfish reasons that had little to do with her happiness and everything to do with you being unable to not be seen as nice. Yes, I am using you, just as you are using me, just I will use anyone or anything to win this war, to make Albus' sacrifice worth it. Like it or not, we are in the same position, Lupin. We are both holding on by our fingernails, fighting a war on our wits and our guts alone. Those fools on both sides have no idea what it is like to live every day in the fear of discovery, to know that one wrong word or move would end not only your own life, but would tip the scales of the whole bloody war!"
Severus sneered, his expression one of contempt, but not for Lupin. "That idiot girl hates me anyway - she always has, and I have no care for her, either, for I do not suffer fools. I twitted her because she is a fool, so much of a lovesick cow that she could not even see that you do not love her, and that she was deluding herself and pushing you away even as she tried to cling! Fools are dangerous, Lupin, and clasping them to your bosom puts you at risk, no matter that they think they love you! That I am here with you, that I trust you enough to allow you entry to my sanctuary, that I risk telling you things that would get me killed... How much do I think of you?" Severus raised a hand, poking one long finger into Lupin's chest to underscore his point. "You are the only person in the entire universe that I trust right now, Lupin, how is that for irony? You are the only one worthy of it, and if you are so much of a fool that you cannot see that, then get the hell out of my sight!"
It was rare that Remus was ever so shocked that he lost his composure, but Severus' words surprised him so much that he couldn't keep his mouth from falling open and his eyes from widening as he gaped at Severus, stunned into silence.
"I do see that, Severus," he said once he'd shut his mouth and gathered his dignity again, speaking in a calmer tone as surprise caused his ire to fade. "I'm aware of how much trust you've placed in me, as I've placed a considerable amount of trust in you. I won't forget that, nor will I abuse it. But whatever trust we share, it doesn't give you the right to interfere in my private life. It doesn't matter how much she hates you or you hate her. It was my problem to deal with, and I expect you to respect that from now on."
Lupin was going all reasonable again, and it frustrated Severus just as it had always done. It made him want to poke Lupin harder, to ruffle that infuriating placid damned surface, to see the predatory glint in Lupin's eyes and know that he had put it there. He wanted to snarl, he wanted to scream. He wanted... needed... to make Lupin react, even if he wasn't entirely certain why. Or at least, he did not want to admit it, even with the alcohol coursing through him, making him more reckless.
He was damned sure going to show Lupin that he had every bloody right to interfere.
Dark eyes flashed with temper, and Severus grasped Lupin's shoulders, shoving him back hard against the wall. He didn't have lycanthrope strength, but he didn't care. Bending his head, he captured Lupin's lips in a fierce, hard kiss, sliding his hands up to fist them in Lupin's hair, pushing his tongue past the full lips to claim, to possess, to show the bloody wolf exactly what he thought of being told to mind his own business.
For the second time in as many minutes, Remus found himself shocked into silence, and before he could gather his wits to react in a more decorous manner, he found himself parting his lips on a moan, sucking Severus' tongue with eager hunger. Winding his arms around Severus, he yanked Severus closer, arching against Severus' slender body as he met Severus' ferocity with his own, demanding more.
A tiny voice of logic in the back of his mind told him this wasn't a good idea; as much as he might desire Severus - and he couldn't deny, even to himself, that he did - giving in to his lust was a huge mistake. Severus didn't care about him. Severus didn't want to do anything but control him, and it was that thought that galvanized him into action.
Growling, he bit down hard on Severus' bottom lip and broke away from the kiss, shoving Severus away hard enough to make him stumble. He was flushed and breathing hard, his eyes darkened to blue with arousal, and his lips were swollen and gleaming from the kiss, but his expression was implacable.
"I'm not your pet wolf," he said, his voice deep and husky as he struggled to bring himself back under control. "You don't own me."
Severus stumbled back when Lupin pushed him, gasping as the kiss was broken off so abruptly, leaving him feeling shocked and horrifyingly bereft. It was a loss, when Lupin had been kissing him back so greedily, arching against him, making Severus ache with desire, with need that Severus never allowed himself to feel, not for anyone. The shock quickly gave way to anger, however, and he swiped the back of a hand across his mouth, white skin coming away tinged scarlet with blood where Lupin had bitten him.
He stared back at Lupin, seeing the arousal in Lupin's eyes, knowing that it was reflected in his own, along with a trace of surprised hurt... and that caused him to boil over into a rage. Lupin had too bloody much control, and it challenged Severus as nothing ever had before. The wolf was in there, and Severus wanted to see it freed, to feel it responding to him as it had before. The strength of his desire to release it infuriated and appalled him, especially since Lupin had rejected him. Lupin obviously had far less regard for Severus than he had for that stupid little pink-haired bint, and that realization jarred through him like a kick to the gut.
Face flushing with fury, Severus drew his wand, pointing it at Lupin with a hand that trembled with the most profound fury Severus had ever felt. "GET OUT THE HELL OUT!" he snarled. "Get out before I hex you into oblivion!"
"No!" Snaking his hand out lightning quick, Remus grabbed Severus' wrist and yanked him forward, pivoting sharply so he could shove Severus against the wall, pinning him. Digging his thumb into the tendon, Remus forced Severus to drop his wand as he pressed against Severus' back, his arousal rekindling when he felt the heat of Severus' body seeping through their clothes. A low growl vibrated in his chest as he nosed Severus' hair aside and fastened his teeth on the back of Severus' neck, the wolf demanding submission.
Severus grunted as he found himself face-first in the wall again, both aroused and infuriated by Lupin's actions, by the rumbling growl that shocked through his body and urged him to give in. He struggled, trapped, and this time, he fought against submitting, knowing that Lupin didn't want him, had rejected him outright, and would no doubt humiliate him for it.
"Let go, damn you!" he hissed, writhing back against Lupin desperately, struggling to throw him off, fighting against his own body's reactions as much as Lupin himself. "I am not your toy, and you will not trifle with me!"
"Fine." Remus' voice was more than half-growl against Severus' ear as he leaned his weight and his strength into holding Severus in place. "I'm not your pet, and you aren't my toy. Now we have the parameters settled."
He licked his lips, tasting Severus on them, and leaned his forehead against Severus' shoulder, panting. He knew he ought to let Severus go and leave. He knew he ought not return. Severus was getting too close, weakening his control and slipping under his walls, and that was dangerous. The wolf within him was snarling a possessive demand, urging him to let it claim Severus as its own, and Remus wondered vaguely what kind of rabbit hole he'd fallen down that he now desired Severus Snape with such intensity.
Stepping back, he released Severus, and with an agonized groan, he spun Severus around and captured Severus' face between his hands, crushing his mouth against Severus', thrusting his tongue between Severus' lips as he gave in to the wolf's fierce need.
Severus had been about to snap an infuriated reply to Lupin's comment, when suddenly he was whirled about, his back now against the wall and Lupin's hands framing his face, pulling him into a kiss every bit as hungry and passionate as the one Severus' had initiated. Once again he was shocked by the development, and part of him still wanted to throw Lupin off, to reject Lupin as Lupin had rejected him. But he had seen the feral glint in Lupin's eyes, and it caused an answering heat within him, a heat Severus could not resist, that he refused to admit that he did not even want to resist.
Wrapping his arms around Lupin as he returned the kiss with equal fervor, Severus raked his nails down Lupin's back, scratching with the intent to arouse rather than to injure. The hunger of the wolf burned him, called to him, darkness beckoning darkness. When his fingers reached Lupin's waist, Severus yanked Lupin's shirt free from his trousers, pushing his hands up under the thin fabric so that he could splay his palms against warm, bare skin, moaning into Lupin's mouth as the contact seemed to spread fire up his arms and coursing through his entire body.
Remus drew in a hissing breath at the feel of Severus' hands on his bare skin, scorching him, inflaming the wolf even more as he arched into the touch. With a fierce growl, he devoured Severus' mouth, demanding more, stealing Severus' very breath as he yanked Severus' shirt open, sending the few fastened buttons flying. Slipping his hands beneath the folds, he splayed his fingers against Severus' chest, caressing bare flesh with greedy hunger.
Every slide of warm skin beneath his hands made him want more, and he raked his nails down the length of Severus' chest, scoring the pale expanse with pink trails as he continued the kiss, deep and hot and demanding.
The feel of hands and nails on his chest caused Severus to writhe, desperate and hungry in a way he had never been in his life. He was no inexperienced virgin, but he had never felt such intense desire, had never felt anyone or anything beckon to him, threaten to undo him the way that Lupin did. He didn't want to think for once, he wanted to feel, to give over the logic and the control that he clung to in order to survive, to feel for once, only feel, to reaffirm that there was a point behind all the struggle and danger and pain.
Sliding his hands forward to Lupin's chest, he pulled at the fabric, tearing it open much as Lupin had his, if not with as much ease. Then he pressed his chest against Lupin's, reveling in the sweat slick slide. He grasped Lupin's hips, pulling him in closer, even as he sucked at Lupin's tongue, then pushed back into Lupin's mouth, eager to taste and explore. He was beyond caring about consequences, wanting only this moment, needing it, determined to have it at any cost.
Moaning, Remus let Severus invade his mouth, sucking Severus' tongue greedily before breaking away from the kiss to trail a hot, hungry trail of open-mouthed kisses along Severus' throat, pausing to trace Severus' collarbones with broad swipes of his tongue before continuing his path down. His hands roamed Severus' stomach and then slid down, busily unfastening Severus' trousers as he closed his mouth over one nipple, catching it between his teeth and tugging hard before soothing it with his tongue.
Slowly, he sank to his knees, nuzzling and kissing Severus' stomach as he freed Severus from the confines of his trousers, and then he bent his head, offering Severus the pleasure of his mouth in a different way from their deep, drugging kisses.
Kneeling in front of Severus made him feel vulnerable in ways he hadn't before; it gave Severus a physical advantage, but it was a show of trust that felt right. He wanted to give Severus this pleasure, this release. He wanted to take care of Severus in whatever ways Severus would allow.
Perhaps I was wrong, he thought with silent amusement. Perhaps I am his after all. The thought terrified him, but the fact that he was on his knees said it was far too late to turn back now.
Severus buried his hands in Lupin's hair as that wicked mouth travelled over his skin, as teeth and tongue dealt pleasure edged with an arousing edge of pain, making Severus gasp and moan at the stimulating contrast of sensations. Then his eyes widened as Lupin - Remus, yes, Remus - dropped to his knees before him, offering Severus something that Severus had never expected, something that enflamed him so much that he felt as though he might spontaneously combust on the spot.
"Remus," he said, offering the name as both acknowledgment and gift. The final S was drawn out into a hiss, as Severus' head fell back against the wall, his knees almost buckling from the overwhelming feeling of warm-wet-rasping around him, driving him wild as he tightened his hands in Remus' hair. He glanced down, greedily drinking in the sight of Remus before him, eyes glittering with desire and pleasure. Trembling with the effort of holding still, Severus moaned, a moan which turned into a fierce cry as he shattered, white-hot pleasure almost bursting from him, wracking him with wave after wave of mind-numbing ecstasy.
Breathing hard, he languidly opened his eyes, which had fallen closed. He stared at Remus, unable to speak, not even knowing what to say. So instead he slid down the wall, kneeling in front of Remus, before leaning forward and claiming Remus' mouth in a deep, demanding kiss, tasting himself and feeling a fierce surge of possessiveness from it.
"Your turn," he said against Remus' lips, hands running over Remus' chest, tweaking pebbled nipples to make him gasp and writhe.
Fear surged within Remus, panic following in its wake even as his breath caught in his throat at the feel of Severus' fingers teasing his nipples. It was unnerving enough that he was so eager and willing to take care of Severus - even sexually - but he could tell himself that was all he was doing as long as Severus was on the receiving rather than the giving end.
Guilt was no longer an issue; Tonks no longer had any claim on him, but now Remus was struggling with himself. Letting Severus do this would make them lovers, and even as much as he desired Severus, the intimacy frightened him; Severus had admitted he was merely using Remus, and that alone was enough to make this a bad idea. Remus would be far safer if he remained in the role of neutral caretaker, but he suspected it was already too late for that.
There was also the matter of his own control - control he'd cultivated over decades of practice and of which he was proud. Even in the heat of a fight, he never lost his head, never gave in to blood lust as some of the younger werewolves did, losing their ability to think and strategize against their opponent. It was always a mistake that ended in their defeat. Remus didn't want to lose control, especially not with Severus; his trust of Severus didn't extend that far, and he didn't like the implications of it either. If he trusted Severus enough to let go of his precious control, it meant he'd let go of far more than just his control, and he knew how stupid that was.
Even if Severus Snape was capable of caring for someone, Remus would not be that person, and he would likely scorn Remus for being foolish enough to let himself become Severus' pet wolf after all.
If he pushed Severus away now, though... Severus had screamed at him and threatened to hex him for pushing him away during a mere kiss. Severus would probably kill him where he stood for rejecting him now, and he couldn't risk destroying their partnership; the Order needed Severus' information, and Remus was the only way they could get it. Remus couldn't afford to indulge his fears, not when so much beyond his little life was at stake.
His heart thudded against the walls of his chest, and his fingers shook as he fumbled with the fastenings of his trousers. He had started this, and he would see it through. He could only hope the cost wasn't more than he could bear.
Severus drew back, looking deeply into Remus' eyes. Even through the lingering effects of the alcohol and the pleasurable aftermath of release, he sensed Remus' reluctance, and the view of Remus' face only confirmed his mounting suspicions. The tremble in Remus' hands, the thudding of his heart was not caused by desire at all. The man was close on the edge of panic, and Severus went cold as though he had had ice water suddenly dumped upon him. Obviously whatever reasons Remus... Lupin had for doing this, it hadn't anything to do with desire for Severus. Perhaps it was duty, a payback for Severus' sacrifices for the Order. Perhaps Lupin wasn't even interested in men, not really, taking on Severus out of a sense of charity or some bizarre notion of Gryffindor nobility.
Whatever the reason, Severus found that he wanted no part of it. His anger, however, was all spent, leaving him feeling vaguely empty, almost numb. Reaching out, Severus captured Lupin's hands, stilling them before Lupin could do more than fumble with the buttons.
"Stop," he said, his dark voice low and eerily calm. "It does not require Legilimency to see that you do not want this. I have done many horrible things in my life, even killing, but I have never stooped so low as rape. Not even when I actually believed in the Dark Lord's cause. No matter what you think of me, Lupin, no matter how you despise who and what I am, I am not about to force you into something you so obviously do not want."
Dropping Lupin's hands, Severus rose to his feet, turning away and adjusting his own trousers and reaching for his shirt. He was suddenly weary, tired of everything and everyone. Lupin could stay or go as he wished, and Severus wouldn't try to stop him.
Remus sat back on his heels, bowing his head and covering his face with one hand. Well, he'd fucked that up good and proper. How had his life become so complicated? First, there was Tonks and now Severus, and he hadn't handled either one of them well. He didn't know how to handle them, that was the problem, especially not Severus.
His shoulders slumped in defeat as he tried to sort through this mess and find some way out of it that wouldn't end up destroying the tenuous peace he and Severus had built or force him to reveal the fears he'd been trying to conceal. But there wasn't a way. If he didn't explain, Severus would believe the wrong things, and whatever connection they had managed to make would be shattered. If he did explain, he would make himself vulnerable in ways he was afraid of.
It was a tremendous risk to take, but he had no other choice, not if he wanted to keep this... whatever-it-was between them, and he did want to. He was drawn to Severus in ways he'd never been drawn to anyone before, and the thought of losing that made him feel utterly bereft.
Letting his hand fall to his lap, he didn't look up as he spoke, not wanting to see derision in Severus' eyes. "It isn't because I don't desire you," he said, his quiet and calm voice belying the fear roiling inside him. "I do. I don't despise you either. I'm afraid. Of losing control. Of what will happen if I let you... tame me."
Severus turned, regarding Lupin with a raised brow as he mulled over the things Lupin said, as well as what he didn't say. The thought of being the one to tame the wolf caused a shudder of need to go down his spine, one that he quickly suppressed, telling himself it couldn't be what Lupin seemed to be implying. He was not going to jump to conclusions, not after what had just happened. Lupin blew hot and cold worse than he himself did in many ways, and Severus felt himself suddenly wary of starting another fight.
"I can understand the fear of losing control," he admitted, looking down at his own hands rather than at Lupin. "I have that as well, although in a different form. This room, this place... with you is the only time I do not have to wear a mask, to play a part." A bitter chuckle passed his lips. "Yes, I know I am a bastard, and I do not apologize for it. As much as you hate what I said to Tonks, if you think back you will realize that every word of it was nothing but the plain, pitiful truth. It is so maudlin it makes me ill just to think of it."
Raising a hand, Severus pinched the bridge of his nose. "I accept your word that you don't despise me, but right now, I have no idea what you want from me. I cannot tame you against your will, and if you are looking for some promise that I will not goad you anymore, I will give it. I meant what I said about rape; there are depths to which even I refuse to sink."
Keeping his gaze focused on his hands lying limply on his thighs, Remus listened, relieved Severus no longer seemed angry, but feeling exhausted and resigned. Apparently, he wasn't going to get out of this with any dignity left, and he might as well stop bothering to try and salvage any of it.
"I never said I was afraid of what you might try to do to me," he replied quietly, pausing to let the implications of that sink in. Severus wasn't a stupid man; surely he would understand without Remus having to force himself to spell it out that the struggle wasn't against Severus but against himself.
"As for what I want from you... I want to take care of you. No one has ever needed me before, but you do. Especially if I really am the one who knows you best. I want to help you and protect you. I want to give you a respite. I want to give you peace and-"
He cut himself off, realizing he was on the verge of saying things to Severus that he'd barely admitted to himself, and he shook his head, pressing his lips together. "I'm not trying to hurt you," he said at last. "I'm trying to help. I just don't know how."
Severus jerked in surprise, dropping his hand to stare at Lupin with his lips parted on a gasp of disbelief. Part of him wanted to hurl something at Lupin, to screech at him for being a liar, for daring to presume that Severus needed caring for. No one had ever cared for Severus, not in that way. Not even Albus with his bloody damned sherbet lemons and offers of tea to make things right. Certainly the old man had looked upon Severus with the only affection Severus had ever known, but Albus knew that hovering over Severus, caring for him, worrying about him, would have been met with dire threats of Unforgivable curses and poisons in the tea.
Yet another part of Severus, one that had clung so desperately to his purpose in defeating the Dark Lord, was drawn to the offer that seemed so simple on the surface, and yet held so much meaning. Peace... Severus had rarely known it, and here Lupin was trying to offer it to him, to him, despite everything that had happened. Despite their pasts, and despite Albus' death.
Cold, numbing terror gripped Severus. Emotions such as anger, frustration, disgust... these he knew, these he was comfortable with. Lupin used to raise those feelings in him, but even to himself Severus had had to admit that mostly Lupin was guilty for being friends with Potter and Black more than anything specific that Lupin had ever done. He had come to admit - well, mostly - to himself that he wanted Lupin, wanted to goad him and drive him wild and have him go feral so that he would press Severus against a wall. They were so different on the outside, but so much the same on the inside that Severus knew Lupin wasn't lying, wasn't dissembling. There was no need to, not here, not in this place where both of them could be who they were as they couldn't anywhere else, with anyone else. The intimacy of that rocked Severus to the depths of his soul.
The instincts which had guided him so long, fight or flight, neither of them covered this situation, leaving him totally out of his depth. He couldn't push Lupin away, and he couldn't run... and so he took a deep breath, forcing himself to think, biting his lip as he continued to stare at Lupin, watching Lupin waiting for his response.
Perhaps he is offering friendship, and nothing more, Severus thought. I can deal with friendship. I think.
Taking a jerky, hesitant step toward Lupin, then another, Severus knelt down once more, facing Lupin. His dark eyes were somber, and Severus reached out an unsteady hand to place it on Lupin's shoulder. "You already have helped me," he said, before sighing and dropping his gaze. "I cannot fight this war on my own, as much as it pains me to admit it. I want... I need..."
Pausing, Severus waved away the words, grimacing in annoyance because he knew he was no good with feelings. "Thank you," he said finally, and then he leaned forward to rest his forehead against Lupin's, guided by some instinct he didn't know he possessed to seek contact that was non-threatening. "I accept your help. That does not mean I am not going to tell you off up one side and down the other if you annoy me, or act like an idiot as you no doubt will, but if you can live with that, I think we can manage."
Remus was surprised by Severus' actions as much as his words; he hadn't expected Severus to touch him again, much less like this, but he accepted the contact with relief and reached up to rest his hand on top of Severus' on his shoulder.
"I'd be concerned if you did stop yelling at me," he said lightly. "The day you stop grumbling about me being an idiot is the day I wonder if you're under the influence of the Imperius."
He squeezed Severus' hand gently and offered a one-sided smile. "Thank you for letting me help. Neither of us can fight this war alone, and while I'm not as isolated as you are, there is no one like you."
This place had become his refuge as much as it was Severus', and it was only here where he could escape the pressures and expectations placed on him by the Order, the pack, and well-meaning if misguided friends. Only here was the one person who understood him best as well, and the thought that they of all people had found understanding nowhere but with each other was almost enough to make him laugh aloud at the cosmic absurdity of it all.