Jonathan Reznick-Quinn (rezidentsk8er) wrote in tiberiusswann, @ 2010-11-16 13:49:00 |
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Entry tags: | elle, rez |
Wednesday - September 3rd, 2008
Who: Rez and Elle
When: Evening
Where: Their apartment
What: Rez breaks Elle's heart.
Today was the day. Rez was going to talk to Elle about what had been on his mind today. She was in a good mood, or so it seemed, and while he hated to ruin it, he couldn't do it when she was in a bad mood so.. He just had to man up and get it over and done with. So he did just that, taking a few deep breaths before he headed into the living room where she sat looking over a few papers. He took a seat beside her and then began, "Elle.. we need to talk."
~~~
Elle had been in a fairly good mood recently. After her crying encounter with Mal, she felt like some emotions had been purged, like she could focus again with her head on straight. Plus, she had new fantasy material, and that was always mood lifting. And Rez and Fisher seemed to be doing okay, or at the very least Rez hadn't come home crying yet. That was promising.
Plus, so far people were doing really well on their homework, and that made Elle happy too. She felt accomplished when the students were doing well. It seemed cheesy, but it was true. And so she was smiling when Rez came in, with none of his usual greeting, no calling her Little Mama like she liked. He was serious, and when Rez was serious, something was really wrong. Putting down her pen, Elle's smile faded. "What?" she asked softly, trying not to assume the worst, but... it was hard not to.
~~~
There was no real wasy way to get into this whole conversation, so he just had to dive in head first and get it over and done with. "I've been thinkin a lot about last week, when we talked and... And then Devon, I guess you know, James' kid, was taken from him this weekend and.. Well that made me think too so.." He sighed, forcing himself to look at her. "I lost my whole family once, Elle. Not just my mom and dad but.. my sister, my nephews, all of em. And I can't do that again." This was clearly hard for him, but he was doing his best to push through it.
"You already tried to push me out once, Elle, and the babies ain't even here yet. And once they are, I know I'm gonna be.. fuckin' attached as hell but you could, at any point, decide that you don't want me in their life like that and that'd be it. That'd be all she wrote. Cuz I wouldn't have no recourse. I wouldn't have no rights. Even if you put me on the birth certificate, with my record..." He shook his head. "I can't deal with that. I can't... I can't have a family and then lose them all over again."
~~~
This wasn't just serious, this was serious. Elle swallowed down her responses right now, letting Rez get through what he needed to say, the silence after his words heavy and suffocating. She knew that he would love those babies as though they were his own, and she had been considering him their father for awhile now. They were his children, and hers.
Taking a slow breath, Elle spoke slowly, hoping that she was handling this the way it needed to be. "Rez," she said softly, "I don't... I don't know what to say. I thought... This is your family. I know that you'll take care of them, and me, if you wanted. I know you will. I gave you the ultimatum because this is your family, right here. And you can't be half here. And I know how Fisher makes you act, you disappear and you become reckless and..." With a small sigh, she shrugged. "I don't know what you're saying right now, I don't... I don't know what you want me to say."
~~~
"But that ain't Fisher making me act like that, Elle. That's a part of who I am, who I've always been, who I probably always will be." Rez looked up at her with an exasperated sigh as he added, "I act first and think second. I... I put my whole heart into everything with no consideration or care for how it's going to turn out. And I am never gonna stop doin' that. Never." He looked down as he added, "Maybe if we were together or we were in love with one another, then things would be different, I'd feel more.. secure, but we ain't together and we ain't in love, and I doubt we ever could be because I so the opposite of everything you want or look for in a man. And honestly Elle..." He had to look at her again as he said this part, just because... well he just had to. "I don't trust you to not get tired of me bein' who I am and decide that this arrangement ain't gonna work for you. And while I know you would hate to do it, I know you would do it, if that's what you felt like had to happen for your kids." He looked down as he whispered, "I just can't put myself through that."
~~~
Her hands were shaking by the time he finished, tears lining her eyes. This was awful. She didn't know what to say. It felt like he was breaking up with her, though they weren't together. For some reason this felt worse. Maybe it was because she was terrified to do this on her own, or because he had become so important to her and he didn't seem to know it. She should have told him more, been nicer to him all the time, made him feel wanted. She hadn't wanted him to hurt her like other men had because he was too nice to be real, but now he was leaving.
"I'm.... Rez, please don't," she whispered, her voice shaking a little. "I don't want you to go. I'm sorry that you don't feel wanted, you are wanted, I want you around. I know you feel like... that I make you feel like you're not what I'm looking for, but you are. You are. You may not be who I expected but you're exactly who I need, who I want." She wiped a few tears from her eyes, trying to stay composed but failing miserably. "Please don't go."
~~~
The last thing that Rez wanted to do was make Elle cry, but it wasn't like he hadn't really expected it. She was pregnant. She was scared. She didn't want to be alone. And she didn't have to be. He wouldn't just.. abandon her. He just couldn't do what they had originally planned to do.
"You don't want me, Elle, you just.. you don't wanna be alone and I get that. I know that this is like.. probably ten times more terrifying for you than it is for me but..." He closed his eyes for a moment. "I'll still take care of you. Anything you need, I'll make sure you have it. Same thing with the kids. And I'll still be your friend, Elle. If you need somebody to go to appointments with you, I'll go. If you need someone to cry on, I'll be that too. You can talk to me any time you need to, ya know, I just..." He swallowed hard as he added, "I can't be their father. I'm not... the right person for the job."
~~~
It could've been okay, it might've been okay as long as he didn't say the words, as long as he didn't tell her what she knew he would. She kept shaking her head, not wanting to hear it, but then he said them, and it felt like the world collapsed around her. I can't be their father.
"Okay," she whispered, a few tears falling onto the papers she'd been looking over, smudging the ink. "Okay. You don't have to be." She should've known this wouldn't work. How could it? They weren't in love and he was still young and had his life ahead of him. He was wild and uninhibited and how could she think he would want to be tied down? Especially if they children weren't really his, and she didn't love him like he wanted? Elle knew she could have loved him. She was probably already starting to. But even if she did, even if she were completely smitten for him, she would never compare to Fisher.
Getting up from her seat, Elle gathered her hair back over her shoulders, blinking to try and stop herself from crying. "Okay," she said again. "Alright. I understand. It just... it wouldn't have worked in the long run anyway. We were just... working toward the impossible."
~~~
He hated seeing her like this. It made him want to tell her that it had all been a joke, just to see how she would react, or something equally stupid but.. he to stand by his resolution. He knew this wouldn't work. She wouldn't ever love him the way that a woman should love the father of her children and he would just forever feel like he was going to be kicked out for something better somewhere down the line.
"I could be.. Uncle Rez..." He suggested, knowing that probably didn't help much but.. it was the best he could give her right now. "Then I could spoil them rotten, and you too, and you could still... look for someone that will make you happy." He was unconvinced that he ever really could.
~~~
His suggestion was downright laughable, though Elle didn't laugh. Instead she simply sighed a little, another renegade tear making its way past the front lines. So what, he would be in her life but not be a part of it? It couldn't work. He would still love these babies so much, too much. Like he had told her time and again, he went into things head first, all the way. There would be no way he could only be a person on the edge of their lives.
"Please, just go," she said softly, emotion bubbling up and ready to erupt from her. But she didn't want him to see her cry. It would only make him feel terrible, and she couldn't blame him for what he was doing. But she needed to cry right now because she didn't know what she was going to do.
~~~
"Okay," he answered in a small voice, pushing himself to his feet and heading down the hall to his room but only so he could put on shoes and grab his phone, keys, wallet, and an overnight bag. He didn't think it'd be a good idea for him to come back here for a while. Actually, he'd probably better start the process of getting moved out or whatever. But that wasn't going to happen today and he wasn't going to try to discuss it with her either. Instead, he just got what he needed and left, feeling like more and more of a dick with every step back toward the main building that he took.