This was the kind of goodbye Fisher wished he could have had with James, something small and quiet, where he could hold him for as long as he needed to, as long as he wanted to. But doing this with James would have hurt way too much, the eventual ripping away from him just agonizing. No, it was better how it happened, short and cordial and impersonal at the very end. That had been bad enough.
And this was hard enough, sitting in Rez's lap, holding him close. He wanted to stay now, to make Rez happy, to try. But what would happen the second he saw James again? He knew damn well what. He would melt for him, Rez erasing from his brain. It was a shitty thing to do, and a shitty way to feel, but he knew that's exactly what would happen. How many times had it happened already?
Holding the other man, he let them stay in silence a few moments, just sitting there together. "This isn't forever," he murmured after awhile. "I'll see you again. I'll come visit, or you can come see me, wherever I am. I just... need some time. I gotta do this alone, or I'm never gonna be able to do this alone." He really wished Rez would understand, because Rez's opinion mattered more to him than almost anyone else's. Maybe it mattered the most, because Rez understood him best of all and if Rez could understand this, then it meant he was doing something right for once.