Lucas Valentine ♥ Christian (justtolove) wrote in thereincarnates, @ 2011-03-01 23:51:00 |
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Entry tags: | lucas valentine, roxanne castillo |
Who: Luc and Roxanne
What: Awkward question time
When: Wednesday night
Where: Their place. (That’s right, it’s their place now.)
The past few days had been wonderful, even with Richard’s threats still hanging over their heads. That didn’t matter. They were together at last, and very much in love. Instead of sneaking away to see each other, they’d begun to fit their lives together. It was easier than it should have been, for the most part. The last day or two something had been off though. There was an unspoken awkwardness that Lucas couldn’t quite name.
Roxanne had been quieter again. There was a nervousness there, almost like the first few times they’d seen each other. Unless he was just imagining it. He didn’t think he was imagining it. There were so many things that could be wrong. She could have found out exactly what threats Richard had made to him, or what he’d considered doing about it when he reached out to Chris and Dale. Or she could just be regretting moving in here so fast. They were moving fast, but he didn’t regret it. He didn’t want her to regret it either.
By the time they went to bed on Wednesday he couldn’t take wondering anymore. “Are you okay? You seem...” Distracted? Worried? He wasn’t sure what exactly. “Is something wrong?”
---
Even if she hadn’t decided to press charges, she’d decided to write up a statement while it was all still fresh in her mind. She’d borrowed Luc’s computer while he was at the office to type it up. It wouldn’t hurt to have something ready just in case they decided to take that particular step. She had just hit print when the machine beeped at her. No more ink. Sighing, she saved it and went rooting around in his desk.
Since she was living there, it didn’t occur to her that she might be invading her privacy. That is, until she cracked open a box and found it full of…well, she didn’t really know at first glance. There were pictures, some framed and some loose. All of them were of the same woman, smiling and occasionally wrapped around Lucas. One of them was very obviously a wedding picture. Lucas’s wedding picture. She was confused. When she found the simple gold band also in the box, confusion became concern. Was he married?
There was no way she could confront him about this. She’d put everything right back where she found it, and tried to forget. It wasn’t easy, and he must have noticed. She couldn’t help but think about it, nasty suspicious thoughts. Did he have a wife that he went home to? When would he have time for that? Or maybe he was just divorced. But why wouldn’t he tell her? None of it made sense.
Days later, she wasn’t too surprised when he confronted her about it. She’d never been very good about hiding whenever she was upset. Sighing, she sat on the edge of the bed. There was no way she could keep letting this eat at her. It would drive them crazy or drive them both apart. Trying to keep things casual, she fiddled with the bottle of lotion she’d started keeping on her side of the bed. “Are you married?”
---
"What?" That was decidedly not one of the problems he was expecting to come up. He stood in front of her, looking down at her as she fidgeted with the lotion.
He didn't know what to tell her. He should have said 'no', but that word somehow didn't enter his mind. In five years, some small part of him had never stopped thinking of himself as a married person. He'd gone through the engagement, the ceremony, the blissful honeymoon, all the way to 'til death do us part. None of that ever went away, even when he tried move on with his life.
Maybe that was something he should have told her about. It honestly hadn't occurred to him though. He felt an odd pang of guilt at that. It felt like some kind of betrayal, he couldn't have said of who though. Roxanne or Laurie, or maybe both. He ran his hand over his hair nervously. Instead of explaining he stalled with a question. "Why would you think that?"
---
It wasn’t a no. That was the first thing she noticed was that he hadn’t said no. She couldn’t look at him. As much as she trusted him, she didn’t know what to think of this. The whole time she’d felt guilty about making him the ‘other man’, had she been the ‘other woman’? Then there was that completely selfish, petty feeling of jealousy that he might possibly belong to someone other than her.
“I…I found the box of things in your desk. I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to snoop around or anything. I just sort of stumbled across it.” Her hands twisted nervously in front of her. The only thing she was worse at than lying was confrontation. She’d had enough anger directed at her in her life to go looking for more. Even here there was that instinctual fear.
Taking a deep breath, she finally looked up at him, if only for a second. “I trust you, Lucas. I just…want to know.”
---
The box. He could picture it almost perfectly, a few small framed photos and the stack of snapshots. The ring on top of that. He'd put them all away because he had to move on, and because having those photos out only lead to awkward conversations. He'd hidden them, and now he could see how that might look really bad, if she'd stumbled across it, which she had.
He'd forgotten about it, forgotten that it was still there in the desk drawer. No, he hadn't forgotten, he just hadn't thought about her finding it. Roxanne existed in a different world from it. She was his future and that was his past. Maybe that was why even now he didn't want to tell her. Some selfish desire to keep the painful past separate from the happiness they had now. And fear, that if he acknowledged this was the same world, that meant letting in the fact that he could someday lose Roxanne too. The way he'd lost Laurie. The way Christian had lost Satine.
The look she gave him crumbled any will he had to lie or tell her less than the truth. "I'm not married. I was." He sat down next to her, looking down at his folded hands. "She died."
---
“Oh.” In all the scenarios that had run through her head, that hadn’t been one of them. It was terrible to imagine him losing someone like that, someone he must have loved. Combine that with what it must have meant to him when he had Christian in his head, and her heart all but broke for him. Her own conflict, an odd mixture of jealousy, regret, and relief, took a back seat as she focused on him.
She wasn’t sure that she could say anything that would make any difference. Her hand moved hesitantly, wrapping softly around his. “Luc…I’m so sorry.” Now she felt terrible for finding out, for bringing this up. It must have hurt him. She didn’t want to hurt him.
“What was she like?” Roxanne paused, then rushed to add more to the question. “If you don’t mind talking about her. With…me, I mean.”
---
"Don't. It's... it's fine." He started to pull his hand away. He'd had enough sympathy for a lifetime and it wasn't like his own sorrow was anything special. From her it was different though. Roxanne was always so pure and honest, he couldn't think those were empty words just to be polite. She meant it. He took her hand, rubbing it between both of his.
They'd talked about having a life together. Maybe that meant the past as well as the future.
"She was great." His voice was rough with emotion. "We met in college. I was the better student, but she was definitely smarter than me. She just spent too much time helping everyone else. She had a good heart like that, wanted to change the world one person at a time." He wondered for a moment if these weren't the sort of things he should be saying. What did you tell the woman you loved about the woman you'd loved before?
"She was... genuine. One of those people who can never manage to be anyone but themselves, because there's just an inner light that shines through no matter what. Just like you." He finally dared to look up, giving her a shaky smile. "You two probably would have liked each other."
---
When he started talking, she almost wished she hadn’t asked. It stung, just a little, hearing him talk about another woman that way. But it wasn’t just any other woman. He’d been married, been in love, and he’d lost her. It had torn him up, that much was clear. She couldn’t even pretend to understand. The only person she’d ever lost was her mother, and well, it wasn’t like they had been close.
“She sounds wonderful.” Roxanne couldn’t help but try to stroke and soothe. She pressed a kiss against his temple and ran her free hand down his arm. She couldn’t help but think that yes, they probably would have liked each other, right up until they realized they were in love with the same man. It shouldn’t have surprised her that he’d been married before. Lucas was easy to love. She had to keep reminding herself that none of this meant he loved her any less, or that she was some kind of second choice. Besides, it wasn’t about her. It was about him, and the loss he had suffered.
“I’m sorry, if it upsets you to talk about her.” She rubbed her thumb over the back of his hand and smiled softly. “But thank you for telling me.”
---
"It doesn't. Not really." He was almost surprised himself that that was true. Time had dulled the pain of the loss, but telling Roxy about it now he also realized that something else had taken the sting out of it. The pain wasn't just dull, it was lessened and something else had taken it's place. "It was years ago. I should have told you before, but it's not the easiest topic to bring up." He held tightly to her hand before looking up at her and holding her gaze.
"Besides, it seems like a different life. I'm not the same person I was then." He'd been shallower then. He didn't realize how easy his life was and he'd never known loss. He was naive and carefree, but he'd also been callous and even self-absorbed. The way anyone young and privileged might be. Knowing Laurie and changed him, and so had losing her. She wasn't the love of his life, his life had barely begun when he lost her, but he could never shake the romantic notion that she'd taught him how to live and how to love. Something he was profoundly grateful for now.
"I always thought the thing Christian and I would have in common was losing love, not finding it. I'm glad I was wrong." He ran his fingers through her hair, studying her face as if he still couldn't quite believe she was real and really his. Then he kissed her. "I love you."
---
“It’s okay. I can understand why you didn’t say anything.” She didn’t blame him for not saying anything. If their situations had been reversed, she couldn’t think of a way that she would have been able to tell him something like that. She knew now, that was all that mattered. All she had to do now was get used to the idea that he’d been married. It wasn’t enough to drive her away, not even close. She just needed to wrap her head around it.
There was that look again, the one that made her go weak at the knees. When he kissed her, that wasn’t the only thing that felt weak. As long as he kept holding her up, she didn’t mind. “I love you, too. So much.” None of what he had told her changed anything. She still loved him as much as she had before she’d found out. Her hand slid down the side of his neck before she pulled him in for another kiss. Part of her needed to remind herself that he was still here and still hers.
She smiled crookedly, looking away from him again. “For the record, I feel like a complete idiot. I’m sorry about bringing this up the way I did.”
---
"It's okay. I just wish you'd told me when you found it. I'm sorry you spent so long wondering and worrying." He wondered what she must have been thinking. What she'd thought of him. Yet she'd stayed, and she hadn't even confronted him. If the situations were reversed though, he might not have either. He'd resigned himself to sharing her, if he had to, just because if the alternative was not having her at all he couldn't live with that.
"For the record though, if I was the sort of guy to take a mistress, I'd definitely go with the beautiful and elegant dancer." He grinned slyly, teasing her to try to lighten the mood. "What do you think, should I woo you with flowers and jewels so we can set you up in a pied-à-terre where I'll sneak off, escaping my terrible boring life in favor of a torrid affair with a mysterious and forbidden woman." It had never been more evident that he shared a mind with a writer. He kissed her again, suggesting just how that torrid affair might begin.
---
She couldn’t help herself. She cracked up laughing. The whole thing was such a ridiculous mental picture that it was impossible for her not to laugh. It was hard to imagine him as the type of man who would take on a mistress. He was entirely too loyal for that. Not that she’d ever seen any proof of that, but it was one of the things she thought she could just sort of tell about him. Unlike herself, who had skipped between two men for the better part of two weeks. She wondered what he must have really thought about that.
“Well, you’ve already wooed me with jewels.” It was easy to match his sly grin as she leaned in to give him a kiss with just a little bit of bite. She liked teasing him. “And I’m already in your bed. I’d say we’re well on our way to having a torrid affair.”
---
He loved it when he could make her laugh and he'd obviously succeeded in lightening the mood too, which was good. He didn't think there was anything he couldn't talk to her about, but that was a topic he was more than happy to let rest. He would much rather focus on the future, or the present.
"Mhm, you're right. We are doing pretty well." Her kiss drove him crazy. She was far too good at that. "I like our version better though. We don't have to share with anyone else." He didn't know how to explain to her that while his past love was very real and would always be with him in some way, it didn't diminish anything that they had. He was hers, completely and irrevocably. He wanted to make sure that was clear. "I'm all yours, Roxanne. And no one else's."
---
She was glad that their days of sneaking around and having an affair were over. It had been tiring, even if it had been thrilling. The idea of sharing him with someone else was like a fist in the heart. She couldn’t imagine how he must have felt knowing that she was going home to another man. It must have killed him. No wonder he was always telling her not to go.
“Good.” She fell back on to the bed, gently tugging him down with her. “I don’t think I would like sharing.” Her hand moved affectionately over his hair. Even if he couldn’t claim the same, she had and would never love anyone the way she loved him. “Have I told you today that you’re the best thing that ever happened to me?” Grinning, she brushed a kiss across the bottom of his chin. “Because you are.”
---
"Today? No, I don't think you have mentioned that today." He laughed, sprawling on the bed next to her. "Feel free to say that whenever and as often as you want to though." That meant a lot to him. He liked knowing he'd made her life better. He worried that he'd just shown up and done everything wrong and turned her life upside-down. If she was okay with how it had turned out though, he was too. There were other ways they might have done this, but waiting for her would have killed him.
He didn't have to wait. "I'm so glad we found each other. My life was empty without you." He kissed her hungrily, greedily. She was his, and he wasn't going to let her go. He wasn't going to lose her. They were going to have the life together they deserved.
---
She loved his smile. Just seeing it made her go warm all over. Rolling on to her side, she traced a finger across his bottom lip. If nothing else, she could know that she was the one who made him smile like that. “I’ll wait until tomorrow to tell you again.” He really was the very best part of her life. He’s saved her in more ways than he knew.
That fierce kiss drained every coherent thought from her head. It took her a second to get her breath back, and when she did, all that she wanted to do was kiss him again. “So was mine.” Her fingers played across his cheek as she smiled up at him. “You changed everything for me, Lucas. In the best way possible. You’ve given me everything I wanted.” She laughed, recalling some of their former conversations. “Or you plan to.”
---
She made him forget any worries or sorrow. When he kissed her all he could think about was pure in the moment happiness. “For now, you are everything I want.” Well, mostly in the moment. There were also moments a few minutes into the future that came to mind wonderfully vividly. They could get to that.
"We can work on the rest of it." He felt just a little embarrassed when she mentioned those future plans. He didn't want to wait on any of that either. She couldn't know how much he'd already thought about it. He'd imagined how he might propose to her, someday, and whenever he passed a jewelry shop there was a certain temptation to look at rings. It was insane, and he knew it, but eventually he was going to give in. Probably sooner rather than later.
---
It still thrilled her every time they were able to snuggle together. They weren’t breaking any rules, but she loved being around him, touching him. “I can’t believe that I’m enough. But I like hearing you say it.” She rolled them both over. Laying there, she propped herself up next to him so that she was half across his chest. This was when she was the most comfortable, when it was just the two of them.
“I’d like that.” Whatever life they were building together, she was ready to jump in. Hell, she already had. After two weeks she was already deliriously in love, had already moved in with him. They were living the definition of a whirlwind relationship. Still, she’d never felt this way about anyone. There was no one else that she’d ever wanted to spend her life with. “Until then…” She leaned in and kissed him. “We can keep enjoying each other.