Matt was so used to doing everything wrong. He was never prepared for the times he actually did something right.
He could never predict it, either. But that was less on him, he thought, than on Lydia. Despite knowing her for so long, after going through both the best and the worst with her, she was just as unpredictable to him as the day he first met her. Which, considering he was pretty sure he knew her better than anyone, her family included, was kind of amazing, and not a little sad. Getting Lydia to trust him had been a Herculean effort, but there was always a part of her he was never quite able to reach. She had her reasons for holding herself at a remove, reasons that went far beyond their mess of a relationship. It was part of being an Evans, and Matt would’ve been the worst person in the world to hold that against her. But when her defenses came down, all the way down, that was how he knew he’d reached that place she rarely let anyone see. That was when he knew he’d done something right.
Matt expected a swat of his hand, maybe, or an acerbic dismissal. He did not expect her to wilt right in front of him and reach for him like her life depended on it. The shock of it froze him in place – mentally, at least. His body knew what to do while his mind struggled to keep up.
He caught her. So easily, like nothing had changed and no years without her had passed. He had the practice, catching her in those rare moments when her boundless strength, as formidable as Leia’s ever was, turned out to have bounds after all. This wasn’t the first time she’d let him hold her like this.
But it might be the last.
The thought came almost immediately after she fell into him, and Matt felt his heart break all over again. He wrapped his arms around her and held her closer, as if that would alleviate the sudden ache in his chest. Together they moved into a familiar space, her hair brushing his cheek as he lowered his head. That accidental touch almost broke him. His throat closed, the impulse to kiss the crown of her head like he used to too much to bear. This was all too much, too painful, too hard. For all that he knew he’d done something right to bring her back in his arms, he had no idea what to do next. No idea what this was. No idea what she really wanted.
He opened his mouth to ask, but the question died on his lips.
Lydia caught him this time, kissing him gently. A part of him knew what it meant. The rest of him would never have the words for it, except to meet her halfway and kiss her the way she wanted to be kissed. Letting it end when she wanted it to end. Not quite an apology (for everything, after everything), but close.
Matt wasn’t sure when he closed his eyes. They stayed shut when she rested her forehead against his, and for a long moment after. There was so much he wanted to say. There was nothing he could say. The frenzy of their closet kiss at the party had hung over him for months afterward, but this? This kiss would haunt him for the rest of his days.
He wanted to kiss her again. He didn’t. He wondered if that was a mistake. He didn't know.
Instead, he took a deep breath and braced himself, but not before his thumb lightly traced the outline of her elegant jaw. “Should I say something stupid?” His voice was low, broken like gravel, and he swallowed hard. “Would that be easier?”
A desperate question. Easier than what? This longing for something they both knew was gone? He knew now that nothing would ever make that easier, not for him. But for once in his miserable life, he’d try to make it easier for her. If he could.