Standalone
Who: James Shepherd What: Watching “Kings” When: Friday night (8/9/14) Rating: PG-13 Warnings: Suicidal thoughts, suicide, discussions of both.
James kept promising Joseph that they could finish watching Kings, their source show, but things had kept coming up. James himself found the show, incredibly painful to watch because of the treatment Jack got from his father and actually from his mother as well at times. It was just emotionally draining to see that kind of persecution for him. Granted, Jack was a bit of an asshole but no one deserved treatment like that.
As the show went on, he started to sympathize a bit more with Jack although not agree with all of his decisions. Joseph on the other hand, found watching it even harder. Seeing what his lover was going through when they weren't together and knowing he'd been unable to help. Not that Jack would have allowed him to know let alone help with anything, but still, watching someone you loved hurt like that was not enjoyable. But his need to know what had happened afterward pushed them on.
James watched them together when the power was out even as Joseph experienced an almost overwhelming sense of loss. That was the last time I saw him. Nodding, James steeled himself and started the next episode. He watched Joseph record the video and watched it go into the mail. Joseph watched Jack's reaction and James could feel him crying. I'm sorry, Jack. I'm so. I'm so sorry.
James reached for the tissues, but he felt a gut wrenching chill as the show continued. As Rose ordered the mail stopped as every envelope was found. The presence in his mind felt distant, shocked. No. No..they...it was. For nothing. Nothing at all. There. No..it. There has to be something. Play the next one.
“Joseph...”
Play the next one.
“I'm sor...”
PLAY THE NEXT ONE!
James hesitated and for the first time ever, Joseph attempted to take that control away and reach for the remote. Shocked, James wasn't fast enough and the next episode started before James took over again. He nearly stopped it, but he couldn't make himself do so. Maybe Joseph was right, but he doubted it. Rose was not a woman to trifle with.
They watched, late into night. Episode after episode, but James forced it to stop before the end. “I can't. Joseph. I'm sorry.” He could feel everything Joseph was, but it was his chest that hurt, his eyes that were swollen and red. James tried like hell to separate himself from the despair that threatened to suck him down as well. He tried to talk to some sense into his headmate, but what could he say? 'I'm sorry you killed yourself for nothing?' At least James himself no longer doubted that Jack had loved Joseph. At least as much as he was able.
I don't want to live any more The whisper, coming from within his own mind was soft, almost too soft to hear, but there and insidious. “Joseph..c'mon. I know you're hurting. I know it, but you're not alone okay? You've got me. And David. You've got friends. I know how you hurt, fuck I've been there okay? But you gotta pull it together.”
If nothing else, James needed him to pull himself together and it was damn near impossible with Joseph feeling like that. James took a slow breath and for the first time since becoming a reincarnate, he contacted his caretaker.