ouronlyhope (ouronlyhope) wrote in thereincarnates, @ 2010-07-21 23:44:00 |
|
|||
Entry tags: | abigail roth, julian ross |
Who: Abigail Roth, Julian Ross
When: July 21, dinnertime.
Where: Julian’s place, San Francisco, California.
What: Abigail knocks on Julian’s door. Surprise, Ross. You’ve been identified as a CORE member by the Camelot higher-ups.
Rating: Shirtless Julian Swearing.
Honestly, it was a minor miracle that Julian was home. Between running a few errands for Sam Victorio and handling business for his mother, he’d been all over the country and the week wasn’t yet over. The huge windows of Julian’s ultra-modern, ultra-chic apartment had been dark for days, but Abigail had picked a good evening. There was a warm yellow glow emitting through the half-drawn curtains, sure signs of life even if there hadn’t also been a tell-tale Force presence. The lobby was manned but apparently the guard recognized Abigail from her last two visits, because he waved her right over to the elevator. That, or he was a sucker for a pretty face - either was possible, because the uniformed man turned to idly watch until the visitor had disappeared from sight. Then he went back to his monitor. The welcome mats in front of each door were identical - a deep maroon embossed with the apartment number. Julian’s was slightly askew from where he’d dragged luggage across it. Inside, there were sounds from the television and the occasional clanking of pots and pans. Dinnertime. Abigail was confused. She probably should have been furious, any normal person would, but not Abigail. Ever since Daniel Morgan had come out with those names of ex-CORE members and she’d seen Julian’s name, clear as day, part of her hadn’t been able to believe it. There was no way Julian Ross, the reincarnate of Obi-Wan Kenobi, the man she’d been getting to know over the last few weeks, was CORE. For a good hour all she’d done was stare blankly at the computer screen before she finally sprung into action. She had to know. She had to hear it, and she had to hear it from his own mouth. She left her apartment in New Haven in jeans and a baggy sweatshirt, normally if she was going to Julian’s she’d be trying to dress to impress, but that was the farthest thing from her mind right now. If he lied to her? It was over. If he told her the truth? ... She didn’t actually know. God her head was spinning. She took the MTN and made it to Julian’s apartment in San Francisco in the next hour. It felt like five minutes, and when she got there she realized she wasn’t ready. With a somewhat shaky resolve, she breezed through the lobby and into the elevator and before she knew it, she was in front of his door and knocking before stuffing her hands back in the front flaps of her sweatshirt. It was now or never. There was something about being active duty, about being reconnaissance that never left Julian. He’d done it for close to a decade and monitoring his surroundings had become like breathing. It had saved his life on several occasions - the danger of being on the front lines was that you were only steps from the people who wanted you gone. So, he felt a tremor of... something. Something that set his stomach to rolling minutes before Abigail put her knuckles to his door. The noise really got his attention, but he knew who was waiting on the other side before he ever put hand to door handle. How could he not? She was... well. He hadn’t put words to what she was to him, but there was a definite connection, electric and ever-present. He just didn’t know why it felt different, this time. “Hey.” Julian greeted as he swung open his door and stepped aside to let Abigail in. “This is a surprise. You have a premonition of eggplant gratin? It’s got twenty minutes left on it, but you’re just about on schedule for dinner.” “Hey yourself... Ah, unfortunately I can’t claim clairvoyance, I’m no Yoda,” Abigail said all too easily, smiling as best she could and walking slowly past him and into his apartment. She was practically kicking herself on the inside. Should she be this judgmental? Something nudged at her memory, a conversation from the day they first met. He’d said he didn’t make a habit of telling people about Obi-Wan because he knew he’d end up disappointing those that expected him. Was this what he’d meant by that? It seemed all too likely. Had Abigail come to expect Obi-Wan? Was that unfair of her? Julian was no saint, and he certainly wasn’t some sort of clone of Qui’Gon’s apprentice. Had she only seen what she wanted to see? Abigail mentally shook herself. This was ridiculous. She was not going to start guilt tripping herself. He was in CORE. The organization that had spent their days trying to kill her brother and all her friends and actually succeeded in killing a whole mess of other people. It was possible she didn’t know Julian Ross at all, but even that was hard to believe even now. She felt like she knew him, and that wasn’t just the Force talking. Whatever this was, whatever they had... it had already taken hold of her. Maybe that’s why she couldn’t help but try and justify his actions, but that was not what she was supposed to be doing. She was supposed to be getting to the bottom of this. She turned so suddenly that she found herself turning right into him and caught herself on his forearm. Uhhh. Crap, why was she here again? Something was wrong. Julian didn’t have the first clue as to what, but you didn’t need Force-based empathy to know that something had Abigail shaken. She looked... well, forget how she looked, she wasn’t chattering away at ninety miles a minute and she’d all but walked right into his chest. “Whoa,” Julian said, reaching out his free hand to try and help steady her. “Are you okay?” Once he was certain that she wasn’t going to plow into anything else, he moved his hand up to try and cup her cheek. Yeah. He was going to figure out what was going on. “Is something bothering you? Seriously. I have a wooden spoon, I’ll rap knuckles. You just point me in a direction.” He was clearly making an attempt at humor, because Julian’s voice stayed light even as his expression became more serious. Guh. Why did he have to be so... About ten different things popped into her head at once as she stared up at him, and it only made her feel worse. How much of what she thought about Julian was actually Julian, and how much of that was some ridiculous person that she’d made up? Abigail lost her head for a moment when he cupped her cheek and out of force of habit (yes, this was already a habit for her) she rose on the tip of her toes and kissed him. She couldn’t help it, Julian was like gravity, always pulling her to him. Eventually she tore herself away though, she couldn’t forget why she was here, not forever. She’d come to confront him in person for a reason, so he wouldn’t be able to just hang up if the conversation took a bad turn. So if he tried to lie to her, she might be able to see it in his face. Willing herself to pull her head back, she swayed a bit in his grasp and exhaled. To quote someone both she and Qui’Gon knew very well, she had a bad feeling about this. “We need to talk, Julian.” There was a long pause. “About the fact that up until very recently, you were in jail.” “...what?” Julian’s mind was still back on the kiss - just as he’d started to believe that maybe things were okay, that she was just worked up about something and in need of company, Abigail blind-sided him with a topic he honestly hadn’t expected to have to deal with... well, ever. “I was never actually charged with anything. The Agency was caught up in hysteria, they were dragging in all sorts of people and holding them for the maximum. Yeah, I went to jail. They were trying to pin me as a member of CORE.” He looked confused with his eyebrows drawn down over his eyes, and in truth he was. What was this all about? Where had she even heard -- “Where’d you even hear that I’d been held?” Julian asked, finishing the thought aloud. “I don’t blame you for doing a background check, but darlin’, that’s the kind of thing you do ahead of a trip into the woods with a strange man.” There were times - not often, but on occasion - when Julian transitioned from his usual banter and into Worried Mode. He ought to have been more concerned that Abigail thought he was some sort of criminal, but all he could concentrate upon was the fact that she was just digging now. “Trust me, you want to know about any and all priors before you take yourself out in the middle of nowhere.” ... Alright, so he’d decided to go straight into the lying then. Abigail pretty much just stood there, looking at him a bit too wide eyed as he went on. She couldn’t help it, he was just so good at bullshitting. How had she missed that before? She looked at him incredulously, trying to gather her own thoughts together before opening her mouth to speak. At first nothing came out, and then it came out all at once. She couldn’t decide which was worse, if he was lying to her deliberately or if he was actually buying this shit he was feeding her. “Julian. Please.” She (somewhat regretfully) stepped out of his embrace and slowly shook her head, staring at him intently as she tried so desperately to make more sense out loud then she currently was inside. “I’m not an idiot. I may not have been a reincarnate at that point, but I wasn’t born yesterday. Do you honestly expect me to believe that? They wouldn’t hold you for nothing. The Agency doesn’t take in innocent bystanders.” And yes, Abigail was completely ignoring his questions about where she’d heard that he’d been arrested. Why? She wasn’t sure, she wasn’t ashamed of being in Camelot, but she wasn’t supposed to be in the hot seat right now. He was. And alright, maybe some irrational part of her didn’t want him to look at her the way she was currently looking at him. Which was insane. He had things to answer for, she didn’t. “The Agency was taking in a lot of people. Any whisper of CORE affiliation. You have to realize, it was an ugly, ugly time.” Julian crossed his arms over his chest; it might’ve seemed like he was going to go on playing semantics, because his face closed down. The blast doors behind the eyes? They’d slipped right into place, and Julian was back where he didn’t want to be - circling and trying to reason out his next move. “I’m not lying to you. They took me in, held me as long as they could, made me as uncomfortable as they could, and then they had to let me go. An eye for an eye, except they couldn’t get their claws in deeper than skin. You wanted me to talk about jail, well, that’s the truth. But that’s not what you’re really after, is it?” Well. If she wanted the ugly, she’d have it. “You want to know if I got off lucky, if they ought to have found something but didn’t. That’s what you’re really asking me.” His feelings were inexplicably hurt. He had never in his life been ashamed of his choice to side with CORE, but Abigail’s doubt climbed right under his skin and needled at him. If she’d come to look at his face, she was finally getting a payoff - Julian was still guarded, but there was something of a wince to the way he scrunched up his nose. “Ten years. Reconnaissance. I told you I was the best damn tracker you were ever gonna find, didn’t I?” Abigail visibly flinched. Finally, after all that beating around the bush, he’d finally come out with it. And by the time he did, Abigail truly wished he hadn’t. Was it too late to go back to how things were before? Yes. And she couldn’t deal with it. She couldn’t deal with the fact that she felt like she wasn’t seeing him now. Did he honestly believe all that bullshit he’d just spouted? She didn’t even have to wonder how far deep he got, he had ten years. Ten years. What had he done in all of that time for CORE? Abigail hadn’t been in Camelot for more then a few days. She hadn’t thought past training, much less what the enemy would be like. She never in a million years thought it would look like Julian. She exhaled, long and slow, her face betraying every single emotion she was feeling. Julian didn’t have to tap into her ‘Force’, all he had to do was look at her damn face. Abigail had never been good about hiding her emotions, and Jedi discipline went right over her head. She was sad, and angry, and confused. So confused. Wasn’t she just supposed to be plain angry? That’s how these things usually worked. “Took you long enough to finally start telling the truth,” she finally said through gritted teeth, trying desperately to keep the strain out of her voice and it suddenly turned icy. “Ten years, impressive. Your capacity for bullshit even more so. Did they teach you that too? Or is that just one of your many talents? So that’s where you got all those mysterious scars from...” “It’s real nice how you can pass judgment so quickly without knowing the whole story. Camelot’s propaganda is so much shinier – sure, they bomb CORE training camps, but it’s for justice, so it’s all okay. Sure, they kill CORE members’ families, but oops, it was an accident, so that’s forgiven too.” If he’d been less emotional, Julian would’ve taken a different approach, but his temper had always been his greatest weakness. He clenched his jaw and stood there, rooted to the spot. “Must be comforting, being able to spot the villain so easily.” He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t stand there and be judged, especially not by someone whose opinion he thought he valued. Did value, if he was being entirely honest. His resolve broke and he turned and paced away, a hand going up to rub the back of his head. “You want to be morally superior, you go right ahead. I’m gonna give you some truth: you’re wrong, but I hope you never have to figure that out. I hope you’re never in Camelot’s crosshairs, I hope you get to go on believing in black-and-white. You’re a nice girl, Abigail, and ignorance really is bliss.” “Oh for god’s sake.” Abigail, muttered, rolling her eyes and raking fingers through her hair as she tried to collect herself. This was just. A disaster. And the more he went on, the angrier she got. “You know what Julian, I’ve heard it all before. From both sides. And you know what I think? I think you’re both wrong. And if you really want my opinion, you’re both so full of self righteous dogma that you’re practically choking on it.” She followed him when he started walking away, she wasn’t going to let him get away that easy. If she had to listen to him talk all of that nonsense, then he damn well was going to listen to her too. “Don’t pretend for a second that CORE was any less guilty. You’re guilty of all the same things, plus more, and from what I’ve heard with an extra dosage of malice but that’s hardly the point here. God knows arguments over ideals never end well. This war sure hasn’t.” They were living proof of that, and Abigail set her mouth in a thin, determined line as she circled around him, forcing him to face her again. “And don’t patronize me. I’m not a little girl. I wasn’t on either side of the war and you know what? I count myself lucky. Because I’m not blinded by my own bitterness.” She resisted the urge to add a ‘like you’ at the end of that sentence. “I’m not being morally superior. And if I’m passing judgment at all, it’s because my brother and my friends were all in that mess, and could very well have been killed by your people. Or maybe even you....” She paused, looking at him hard and crossing her arms tightly over her chest, almost protectively. “It’s so much easier when the other side doesn’t have a face, huh? Well here it is. Because as of last week, I’m in Camelot now too.” “Is that what you think?” Julian recoiled, abruptly wounded and showing it. He stared down through wide, offended eyes. “That I’m out killing defenseless people? That I might possibly get my jollies off of murdering your friends? Thanks for that vote of confidence.” Julian shook his head. “I’m looking out for me and mine, that’s it. People in CORE don’t have friends and family fighting beside them? People in CORE have never lost anyone? Let me tell you something, Abigail, I’ll take a fight that comes to me but I am not going to hurt someone who isn’t looking for trouble. You seem pretty convinced that I’m a lying sociopath so I don’t expect you to buy it, but whatever. At the end of the day, I know what I will and what I won’t do.” Once she’d cornered him, Julian stopped moving. “And you know, for all your talk about how conflict based on ideals is bad, ideals are all we’ve got. You’re operating from ideals too - you’re --” Uh. In Camelot. Well, shit. Julian shut his eyes as if she’d struck him, because in a way she had. “Oh, OH, so you’re lucky you weren’t in the war and you really don’t believe in a conflict of ideals, but you’re in Camelot now. And you call me a bullshitter. You --” Augh. Julian tried to keep raging, but for as pigheadedly, completely wrong as he thought Abigail was being, as hypocritical, he also really cared about her. And, well. She’d just signed on the dotted line. “You’re going to get yourself killed, you know. God, I wish you’d just stayed out of it.” The hand that had been on the back of his skull moved around to rake across his eyes. “You’re going to get yourself killed and I don’t know how I can protect you.” Well. That was one way to forestall the neverending argument. Julian’s hand stayed over his eyes. Abigail’s head was spinning so fast she honestly couldn’t tell which end was up anymore, this conversation was going nowhere except into the land of even more confusing. How had this taken such an ugly turn and so quickly? They weren’t even listening to each other anymore, Julian kept going on about how bad Camelot was and all Abigail wanted to do was hit him. This is what happened when two people from opposing sides tried to argue over each other. It never ended. No wonder this fucking war wasn’t even close to over, even if people were still out there saying it was. Please. Abigail could see from here that it wasn’t, not even close. Without thinking, and possibly with some regret immediately afterwards, Abigail slapped him across the face. Not too hard. As angry as she was, she didn’t want to hurt him. In fact, she didn’t want to hurt him at all, and if she was being really honest with herself she would still rather be in his arms than anywhere else and that was a feeling that needed to be squashed and quickly. This would amount to not good whatsoever. So, she quickly pushed that impulse back in favor of re-tapping into her ‘hypocritical’ rage. “Don’t put words in my mouth, Julian. I am not a hypocrite. I joined because I couldn’t not. My brother is in there, I can’t just stand by knowing what he’s doing now and not help if it means keeping him alive. It doesn’t matter what I believe about any of this, he’s all I’ve got and like hell am I going to let him risk his life while I’m just off having a merry old time crashing parties, going on camping trips and play pool.” It took her a few moments to realize that she was actually shaking. Were those tears in her eyes? Barely, but they were there. Abigail hadn’t yet said any of this aloud to anyone, and it was like she was simultaenously being hit with all the hard truths about the situation, she could barely breathe. Sure, she was risking her life by joining Camelot and maybe she didn’t buy into everything that Camelot was feeding her but she knew in her heart that they were good people. More then that? She didn’t care so much about risking her own life. Now that she knew what Nate was doing for Camelot, what he had been doing before the ‘end’ of the war, she was deathly afraid of losing him. And now she was afraid of losing Julian too. Julian, who was on the other side. Her side’s enemy. How the hell had this happened? “... No one asked you to protect me. And I don’t need it. Besides, to my understanding that’s something that could get you killed as well and I-” Her voice broke and she couldn’t go on. She wouldn’t. Julian took the slap and turned his head with the impact, but did not strike back. The blow made him even more angry, but he had a hard-and-fast about striking women who weren’t actively trying to murder him. It just wasn’t something he did. Instead, he took a breath and started looking for an opportunity to interject. Abigail’s increasingly speedy tirade made it hard - she was so worked up that he could barely make a sound before she was getting in another dig. So, he sat it out. By the time his chance to speak came, he was feeling pretty frustrated and drained. There was no way an accord could be reached. It looked like they’d be at a perpetual impasse. “Looking out for your brother? Fair enough.” Julian could fault Camelot’s righteousness. He could quibble with the propaganda and the depiction of CORE members as mindless killers, but looking out for one’s own? It’s why he’d stayed so long in his own organization. For every Saxondale, there was one like Tim Harris. He shrugged his shoulders in defeat and tucked his fingers into his pockets. “No one asked me, you’re right, but let’s face it: you don’t know me very well, Abigail. I don’t get attached often, but when I do, I don’t just ditch a person. I know it makes it easier and all, labeling me ‘CORE,’ but that loyalty that I gave to them - you know I’ve got a buddy out there, we’ve traded saving each other’s necks three or four times? I’m attached to you and --” Well. When did this become ‘feelings’ hour? He was no good at this. “I don’t want you hurt. You tell me to fuck off, it’s done. But I’m not going to let someone I care about get herself dead because she’s worried about her brother. I just don’t know what I can do about it since, you know, your side wants me in jail or dead and my former fellows want about the same for you.” Abigail was speechless for a good few seconds after he finally finished, almost content to just stare at him with that slightly wide eyed, dumb founded expression on her face. How had this gotten so complicated so fast? They still weren’t agreeing on basically anything, but for some reason that wasn’t doing anything to further ignite her anger. In fact, with every minute that passed, she felt herself deflating further until she was physically slumping, stepping back to lean heavily against the wall behind her. Everything was too much right now, even holding herself up. She needed an anchor, she needed... she didn’t know what she needed anymore. But she couldn’t deny that she didn’t care about Julian. Discovering just how much, however, was a bit of a shock to her system. They didn’t know each other at all, how was this possible? “I wasn’t going to tell you to fuck off,” she mumbled, currently looking more at the ground then at him. She didn’t really know what she’d come here to do, aside from find out the truth. She hadn’t thought far enough ahead to figure out what she’d do with it once she got it. “... I care about you too, I just don’t know if-” She didn’t even know where she was going with that sentence so she cut it, swallowed hard and regrouped. Kind of. “I don’t want you hurt. I guess I don’t know what to do about it either.” “I guess we’ll see if the mob comes for me. If Camelot’s recruiting, that doesn’t bode well.” Julian paused, then leveled a finger at Abigail. “And before we start fussing at each other - I’m not in the CORE loop these days, so I don’t know what they’re doing. I’m not leaving ‘em out as a purposeful slight.” Feelings were already ruffled; normally he wouldn’t mind needling a little, but it was Abigail. And, well. He didn’t have the energy to fight anymore. “If nobody comes to murder me in my sleep or lock me up, I’ll teach you what I know. I’ve got ten years on you, maybe it’ll help, and that way you can look out for yourself and I won’t have to break my principles to keep you safe. Just - promise me you’re not going to go talking about being in Camelot. Not to folks who aren’t already in. That’s the best bit of help you can give yourself.” Julian tried not to fuss, but he couldn’t stop himself from chewing at the inside of his lip and staring off at nothing in particular. He was way too far out of control of the situation and it made him deeply unhappy. His job had been observing; he didn’t like not being able to see around the bend. Augh. So. Complicated. Now that he’d snapped into business mode, Julian was feeling a little better about things. He always felt better when he had a plan of action. As for the short term, well. “Dinner’s probably burning. I’ll go rescue it. You can stay and have some if you want; don’t have easy answers for you, but I don’t tend to fuss too much about the future. Pisses Obi-Wan right off. ‘Course, that pretty much describes my entire life, so.” Abigail had no idea what to do. Normally (not that this was a normal situation for her by any means, but normally), if it was any other guy, she would have told them to fuck off about ten minutes ago and left, but for whatever reason Julian made that option significantly difficult to fall back on. Despite the fact that with each passing minute he only sounded more and more like some kind of delusional minion, a faithful follower of the organization that her side was destined to hate. That also should have been enough for her to immediately tell him to fuck off but she couldn’t, instead she just worried. He was right, Camelot recruiting didn’t spell good things, but just like he wasn’t willing to betray his side, she wasn’t willing to betray hers. So she said nothing. .... Except that Julian’s business mode seemed to push all the wrong buttons and she straightened a little, sniffing audibly. “That’s sweet of you Julian. But I don’t want to be a burden to you or your principals, so please, don’t feel obligated to help me. I’ll be fine.” She paused, her voice betraying some of the hurt she was trying to squash back and she attempted to get a hold of herself before she went off again and mostly succeeded as she pushed herself off the wall with a new strength. Stronger then she actually felt at the moment. Was she going to stay? She honestly wasn’t sure yet. “For what it’s worth, no one’s planning on coming for you. I’d tell you that much.” “Oh, for God’s sake, Abigail, that’s not what I meant. I’d put my neck on the chopping block for you, but there are still some decent people out there in hiding. They’ve got lives and families, some of them have been out of CORE for years, I’m not going to spy on people trying to live their lives any more than I’d ask you to be my spy.” Julian sighed and rolled his eyes up at the ceiling. “You want me to teach you, that I can do. That’s what I meant. Everything I know, every trick for spotting trouble before it spots you. I just don’t want you --” Hurt? You’ve said that already, Julian. He was going to lose his temper again. He could feel it building and he really didn’t want to fight anymore, so Julian flung his hands wide in a helpless gesture and started for the kitchen. “I’m going to pull plates. You want eggplant, you can stay. If you want to go, you can go. I’m not - and will never be - your jailer.” “You just don’t get it do you.” Abigail’s voice was sad as she looked at him, biting at her lower lip. A habit she’d picked up from her younger years, whenever she felt an extreme moment of vulnerability. He really didn’t get it. He was as blind to his own side’s cause as he seemed, there was no getting through to him right now. For the first time since she’d met him, she couldn’t get a read on him, he was a stone wall. And if he hated Camelot so much, how did that translate to how he felt about her? Or any of the people that she cared about? “Do you even hear yourself? You accuse me of living in black and white but you’re just as guilty. You’re blind to anything that differs from you in the slightest. And you keep preaching about CORE like they’re the sole victims. This isn’t the Empire versus a band of rebels, Julian. And you know what? There are decent, good people in Camelot too. My brother? All those people you met at his shop last week? Yeah. All those people that you liked, them too. It’s all gray area, Julian. There is no black and white, and neither side is right. But that’s not the point.” When he started walking towards the kitchen, she forced herself to start walking towards the door. She didn’t want to go. She really didn’t. But Abigail knew that if she didn’t go now, she might never, and with the way things were going she probably needed to start learning how to walk away from him. It was difficult, considering everything in her body was constantly trying to pull her towards him. Usually she didn’t mind, but right now she did. “I would never ask you to do anything that would compromise you or anyone that you’re ‘protecting’. Because when it comes to you, it’s not about CORE. Maybe it should be, but it’s not. This isn’t about CORE or Camelot, it’s about us. And I can’t be here right now, because you don’t get that. And you probably never will.” She paused as she opened the door for a minute before walking through it. Way to be strong, Abigail. “What do you think I’m trying to do?” Julian was really and truly at his wits’ end. “I’m trying to make this about u--” He rounded the corner again to continue the argument, only to find the door shutting. Well, he’d told her she could go. Maybe it was even the right thing to do - he’d known that she was only going to make him stupid, and this was proof of as much. If he were wise he’d let her get on that elevator, go downstairs, and he wouldn’t try to see her again. Which is why he broke into a run for his front door. He’d already lost his mind - he’d lost it when he told her the truth about Obi-Wan and started pretending he was some sort of stable, upstanding gentleman. Even more than his worry for Abigail’s safety, he was afraid that this was it. She was going to head back east and she’d think he was some kind of moustache-twirling villain for the rest of time. He made the decision in seconds; he could live with being hated, but he couldn’t live with Abigail winding up hurt and disappointed in him. The front door swung open and Julian stepped halfway out into the hall. He really hoped he’d caught her before she got on the elevator; he was upset enough to chase her downstairs, and that was just crossing the line from stupid to insane. “I don’t know what you want from me.” Julian blurted before he was even sure if she was still there. “I just told you I’d pretty much take a bullet for you. If it’s not about a ‘them’ and it’s about ‘us,’ what do you want from me?” God, if he was talking to an empty hall, this was going to be awful. Abigail honestly hadn’t expected him to run after her. Truth be told, she’d never felt more relieved in her life. She’d needed time to cool down, but really that had taken up, oh, the five seconds she’d been out the door and turning the corner before she was calm enough that she almost turned around and went back. She hadn’t though, and she’d actually managed to convince herself to keep walking (partially due to Qui’Gon’s coaxing) when she heard Julian’s voice coming from down the hall. ... What did she want from him? Abigail honestly didn’t know. It wasn’t fair of her to expect Julian to be some white knight who could do no wrong. No one was that perfect. And he’d at least proven that he wasn’t the sort of monster that came out of CORE that Abigail had feared he might be. She knew that neither side was completely innocent, though she’d never share as much with Nate. She was in Camelot because she supported her brother’s cause but she didn’t hate CORE. She hated the people in it who had no hearts, murdered by the thousands and almost killed her brother. Julian wasn’t heartless. Couldn’t see past his own nose, maybe, but he had a heart. She didn’t have to know everything about him to know that much, even if he didn’t know it himself. She had stopped in her tracks and was standing just around the corner from where he was, breathing heavily. His words made her light headed and pressing up against the wall listening to him, she actually caught herself grinning like a fool. So inappropriate, and she immediately wiped the grin off her face as she took a tentative step back around the corner to face him. He would take a bullet for her? She knew he’d said something similar before in there, but now she was actually hearing it. It made her dizzy. But what did that even mean? What’s more is she already knew she’d do the same for him. They were totally fucked, weren’t they. “Is that in then?” Abigail asked softly, walking slowly back around the corner with her side still firmly attached to the wall, her eyes wide with uncertainty. “This is the real you? No more hiding, no more walking on egg shells with me because you’re trying to pretend that you’re someone else?” She exhaled, shrugging helplessly and stopped where she was just a few feet away from him, shifting uncomfortably. “I don’t know what I want from you. But, and as ridiculous as it sounds, I’m pretty sure I can’t breathe without you so...” Oh god. She definitely couldn’t take that back. She shouldn’t be here, she should have already left, but she found herself rooted to the spot now. “Look, I’m pretty much the definition of trouble. I’ve got a temper, I rush in, I don’t think. I take my relationship advice from a cranky old tavern owner. I’m not a distance thinker - I don’t plan much further than the next sunrise. I’m on eggshells because you’ve lost your mind or something, and you seem to think I’m good company. You deserve good company. I didn’t want to disappoint you, but you know, looks like I went ahead and did it anyway.” Julian threw up his hands again, a defensive posture with palms out. He felt lost - every time he tried to take back control of the situation it went horribly wrong, so he didn’t bother. If she wanted ‘the real Julian,’ he’d go with it. It wasn’t as if he had much more to lose, anyway. “I am sorry. I told myself I wasn’t gonna get you hurt, but that didn’t work out either.” Oh hell. He was pouring out his heart in a hallway. If he hadn’t been so concerned that a false step would send Abigail out the door, he would’ve tried to take the discussion back inside. Oh well. It was like Tim said: ‘shit, son, sometimes you have to sacrifice your pride. If you’re not willing to humble yourself now and then, you might as well stock up on the girly mags, because you’re sure not going to get within ten feet of the real thing.’ Sometimes you had to build up a bonfire and burn something that was important to you. ‘I can’t breathe without you’ was a pretty big admission. It was time to pony up a confession in return. “I really care about you, but I’m not gonna lie, I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. I want to make you happy, but damned if I’ve got a clue how. I’m just making it up as I go.” Well, that did it. Abigail had officially deflated. How else was she supposed to react to a guy telling her in earnest that she deserved better? Some women might just get angry again, but really, that just wasn’t Abigail’s style. She rarely ever got angry, about anything actually, so that little scene in his apartment earlier had taken a lot out of her. She was done fighting. “You didn’t... disappoint me. Well, maybe you did. But only because you lied to me.” When Abigail finally spoke, she spoke slowly, as if she was still trying to figure out what to say while she was saying it. God this was such a mess. “And I’m not hurt, I’m just... well, confused, I guess. This is a lot more complicated then just me climbing into bed with my head mate’s apprentice.” She laughed, softly, and mostly at herself as she shook her head and took another few steps forward until she was standing right in front of him and taking hold of his outwardly raised hands. She had no idea what she was doing either, she was just making it up as she went along. “It’s time to get off the defensive, Julian Ross. And I’m sorry that I put you there. I was afraid I had you pegged wrong but I... don’t think that I have. I understand. I’m sure that’s hard to believe now, but I do. You believe in something, I’m not going to...” She trailed off, words seeming to fail her and it was probably a good thing anyway, this sort of conversation obviously got them nowhere but at least now there wasn’t any shouting involved. Abigail still wasn’t sure what to do with any of this, but if there was one thing she had to believe, it was that Julian wasn’t a cold blooded killer. He was a man with principles, she couldn’t fault him for that even if they did somewhat differ from her own. Everything she knew about CORE made her shudder in disgust. He was doing a good job of painting a pretty picture of it, but Abigail wasn’t fooled. She knew that a good percentage of the people who were in the organization were pure evil, they did horrible things when no one was looking. But Julian, he wasn’t like that, she could feel it. And he had people to protect just like she did now. So what if he used to be in CORE? There was no easy solution to this, but knowing that much at least made her feel a million times better, and didn’t have her quite so ready to run for the door. “I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Business man with a double life or not. I don't much care what you do. Just be honest with me about it?” She looked down at the ground for a moment and then back up at him with a funny half smirk on her face and tilted her head to the side. “... I told you I liked trouble.” “Well, you know my big secret now.” Julian said. He was starting to calm down too, and in the wake of the anger and stomach-turning fear he was left feeling uncertain. It wasn’t pleasant, but it was better than the turmoil that had characterized the rest of his night. “I’m not purposefully hiding anything else from you, but there might be things you don’t know. You wanna know something, you go ahead and ask me. If you really want the truth, you’ve got my promise that you’ll have it.” He was going to have to ‘fess up about keeping in contact with ex-CORE members. Abigail wasn’t going to like that he was friendly with Mercedes, but. Better that she hear it from him. The only question was, when was he going to tell her? Julian exhaled and frowned. Now. He was going to say it now - otherwise, she was going to call him a liar again. Once had definitely been enough. “I’m trying to think of things I might want to get off my chest while the getting’s good, and I can only come up with one confession: I still talk to some of ‘em. People who used to be in the, ah.” They were in the hallway, after all. “Organization with me. Not often - when I told you I wasn’t in the loop any more, that was truth - but occasionally. Buddies, the folks I used to serve directly with or under. I’m not plotting anything, I’m not --” Ugh. There he was, trying to explain himself and failing. She was so damn sweet. As sure as Julian was of his allegiance, he was equally sure that his ultimate loyalty was to people and not ideas. “I’m not a party to anything that could get you hurt, and that’s not going to change. Even if you decide I’m too much trouble.” Which was an entirely possible outcome, and truth to boot. Julian was selfish enough to want to keep seeing Abigail, even if it wasn’t wise or safe, but the sailing would not be smooth. Hoo boy, Julian just didn’t want to make this easier on either of them did he. Abigail remained silent for a good minute or so, steeling herself against another freak out because that would just not end well. This entire evening had been proof of that. He still talked to them? Logic told her she should expect as much, but the though of Julian associating with anyone that she had heard about made her feel sick.Did he know who was behind those murders? Was he friendly with those people? If he was, her decision regarding what to do about all of this would suddenly get a lot simpler. “Stop. Right there,” she finally interjected, somewhat abruptly and shook her head. “I don’t want to know that. If you say you’re not in the loop, if you say you’re not plotting anything, then I’ll believe you. But you can’t tell me that you’re associating with any of them if you’re not going to tell me who, because damnitt Julian, if it’s one of those fugitives or one of the people responsible for the murder of those Camelot members last week, you’ll be putting me in an impossible position.” She paused, taking in a deep breath and looking at him hard, trying to reason with herself that she was doing the right thing by not walking away right this fucking second. “You don’t... just tell me you don’t know anything about that.” “What?” If Julian had known he was a brilliant liar, because his expression was absolutely shocked. He recoiled a little, almost pulling his hands from Abigail’s, but he caught himself and took a deep breath. Breathing distracted him from getting all worked up. Again. “Who -- you know what, nevermind, don’t tell me who died. It’s Camelot business and that means it’s not my business.” But auuugh, this was bad. This was very bad. “Abigail, there’s not a CORE anymore. You’ve got a handful of lucky souls who never went to jail in the first place, a handful of pissed-off escapees who are, presumably, in hiding and unable to use an MTN, and the dead. That’s it. You’re sure it was CORE related? Because if it’s CORE related, y’all are --” Fucked, but Julian caught himself up before he got to swearing. She’d either take it the wrong way or panic, and he didn’t need that. Frankly, Julian was doing enough panicking for them both. He pulled his hands away and turned to pace down the hall, raking his hands through his hair again. “You have to figure the Agency’s watching comings and goings through their buildings. Either whoever did this slipped the security somehow, or someone is recruiting hardcore - and not just recruiting, they’re on the lunatic patrol.” Auuuuugh. No, really. Julian let out a frustrated sound and spun on his heel. When he turned back? He looked outright afraid. He’d shut his eyes and reminded himself to breathe. “We shouldn’t be talking about this in the hallway. I’m on the side of keepin’ you alive, darlin’, and the first part of that is not having volume issues where my neighbors can hear.” And, while he was keeping his voice down now, it wasn’t going to last. Julian was a True Believer, sure, but he knew the ugly side too. The moment you strapped on the Camelot badge, you were a target, and the thought of Abigail stepping in front of a bullet made his stomach lurch. Abigail really hadn’t expected the extent of his reaction, and she merely watched him with ever widening eyes as he carried on up and down the hallway, quietly raving like a lunatic. Sure, the situation looked bad, but did he really have to... Alright, so it was entirely possible that Abigail was not fully getting the gravity of her situation, but like he said, they were in public right now. Carrying on like this out in the hall was probably not the best idea. When he wheeled back around to face her, she immediately halted him in his tracks and placed both hands on his face to keep him there. “Julian. Julian.” He kept talking, and she finally nodded in agreement, her eyebrows quirked in concern and her mouth set in a very grim line. “Yes, please, for the love of god let’s get back inside.” She took him by the hand and pulled him the few steps it took to get to his apartment door and pulled him through that too, shutting the door behind him and exhaling heavily. This was... so not how she had expected this night to turn out. At all. Honestly? She wasn’t entirely sure which scenario she would have preferred at the moment, but she quickly got her head back into focus and sought out Julian’s eyes, hers still wide with worry. “We don’t know if it was CORE related. But everyone suspects it. That’s all I can tell you, but what exactly is the big deal? This has nothing to do with me, I’m fine. I’m standing right here in front of you! Completely okay. Can you try actual breathing now before you get blue in the face? I’m not going to die.” Although Julian managed to conquer his growing concern, the serious set of his jaw wasn’t much better. She didn’t get it. She had no idea - this was about protecting her family, sure, but she clearly didn’t understand what she’d have to do. What could be done to her. “Abigail, I’m not saying this to be mean or to dishonor your dead, but: don’t you think that’s what your friends said before they got killed? Don’t you think that’s what they all say? No one goes into this expecting to die. Knowing it’s possible, sure, but deep down everyone thinks it won’t happen to them.” How. How could he get through to her? He kept eye contact as he wracked his brain, and then he had it. He reached a hand down and peeled off his shirt. Not to flirt, not to distract her. Not this time. He tossed the shirt aside and reached out to take Abigail’s hands. “Gunshot.” He said, and if she let him, he’d bring her fingers up to the pale white pucker of the entry wound on his shoulder. “Ann Arbor, 2001. It was my first solo; we were breaking into a Camelot safehouse to see if we could find any information. Someone was inside, pulled a gun. I was green, just barely out of training, and if it weren’t for Obi-Wan’s senses I’d have died.” Then he brought her hand around to the long, thin scar on his left side. “The group I was with got spotted in Paris in 2003. A couple of Camelot folks came to take my buddy Tim in for questioning. Tim didn’t plan on going, there was a fight, someone got a little friendly with a knife.” “Shrapnel.” He said as he gently dragged her fingers over the gash on his ribs. “There was a bombing at a CORE training camp. I was up there teaching some of the new recruits how to track.” He’d saved that one for last for a reason. “Four people died - three of the recruits and the Camelot bomber.” That. That was why he was afraid. “And it’s the same on the other side, I’m sure. People get sloppy, people get overzealous, people want to defend their territory, people get angry and want revenge. You’re the face of Camelot now, darlin’. You join a side and you’re in the crosshairs. The sloppy and overzealous mean well, but the rage-driven, they’re not gonna care how new you are or how good your motivations.” He’d already said too much, but he was beyond the selfish desire for her good opinion, at least for now. As soon as people started dying, well, the war was on again. Ugliness was only a short step behind. “It’s why people on both sides keep dying. I don’t honestly care if telling you stories sends you packing as long as you know what you’re in for. You won’t necessarily die, sure, but you have to know that it can happen just as quick as lightning strikes ground.” Oh, why oh why did Julian always have to make his serious points while shirtless? This seemed to be a running pattern with him, and it did nothing to keep her focus on what he was saying at first. That is until he started dragging her fingers across the various scars on his body and she couldn’t help but swallow hard. With each scar that he ran her hands over, she shivered, and the stories he told. They did much to drop her throat straight down into her stomach. What had she gotten herself into...? “... Boy. Those are...” Her laugh was barely there and more of a breath then anything else, she honestly didn’t know what to say as she all but gaped at his middle. For the first time since she’d joined Camelot, she was actually thinking about that decision. Was she afraid? Fuck yes she was. She was also having a serious case of diarrhea of the mouth, she wasn’t even thinking about what she was saying until it was already out. “And this is just from being a tracker? Well I’m fucked. Why’d I have to go sign up for Security....” Abigail’s hand froze over the scar on his ribs where she’d been tracing it and she looked up at him. Fearfully. Shit. She really hadn’t meant to just come out with that, and among other things, that really probably wasn’t something she should be telling anybody outside of Camelot. Even Julian. “Uh. Forget I said that...” “YOU WHAT?” Julian bellowed. It was a good thing they were inside his apartment. Even better that he lived in an upscale place that actually invested in decent insulation. Visions of coronary arrest flickered through his head, but his cardiovascular health was far too good for that. Men didn’t flail about like headless chickens, so that was right out too. Mostly. He started to pace away again - his take on flailing - when another impulse hit him and he whirled back. Unless Abigail was skilled at dodging unwanted hugs, he was about to latch on. “You would. You WOULD go looking for trouble, damn it. Party crashing. Me. SECURITY. I’m gonna have a stroke.” As abruptly as he’d reached out to hug her, Julian pulled back again so that he could stare down at her. He left his hands on her shoulders, but it was awfully hard to clutch on for dear life and look a person in the eye. He had to make a choice and the stare-down won. Granted, he couldn’t actually say anything; he was too busy reliving Qui’Gon’s death scene in the back of his head. Damn it. Abigail eyes were wide with alarm at the sudden influx of shouting, and she didn’t have enough time to react before she was being practically pinned against the wall behind her. The force of Julian’s embrace had sent them both back a few steps and she let out an ‘oof’ as she felt her back hit the wall and she braced herself against him. This was. By far. The weirdest night she’d ever had, and that was saying a lot. “Julian...” She shifted a little against him, breathing a bit easier when he leaned back from the embrace and her hands ran swiftly up his chest to take hold of his face when they made eye contact again. The only part of her body that was even touching the wall now was her shoulders, otherwise she was pretty much leaning forward into him. She blamed it on the gravitational pull that was Julian Ross and the fact that she just could not keep a steady balance right now for the life of her. She felt like little more then a rag doll being tossed around, so it was her turn to clutch on. “It’s been years since I’ve actually been trained in proper CPR so please, get that heart rate of yours under control. There’s no need for a stroke. I’ll be fine. You’re having an overreaction to things that haven’t even happened yet. Please calm down? It’ll be fine. We’ll be fine.” Her voice was soft and soothing despite how uncertain she was now feeling inside. Would she be fine? Would he? Would they? She just hated seeing him like this. Hated it. How had things gotten so real so fast? She just wanted it all to go away and leave them alone for a little while. Whooa. Okay, the backward plunge into the wall had not been intentional. He felt like an idiot, but that didn’t stop him from continuing to grip Abigail’s shoulders. “I’m having a perfectly logical reaction to an inherently dangerous job. You want to go wrestle crocodiles while you’re at it?” Oh, hyperbole. Julian wasn’t in a joking mood, but he couldn’t keep on going with the full-out panic. It really would drop him unconscious. He tried to force a smile. “We could jump out of a perfectly good plane or get liquored up and drive some heavy machinery. Only you. I swear you’re gonna turn me gray, oh, tomorrow.” It was funny how, over the span of about fifteen minutes, they’d gone from rage to being so over to this - Julian was back to hoping (and alright, expecting) that she’d stick around long enough to make him gray. “‘Be careful’ is a vast understatement. I don’t have anything to give you but my experiences, and I’m telling you, you’ve got to watch your back at all times. Just because I’m not the eyes anymore doesn’t mean there won’t be a pair on you.” Wow. And that was an unhappy thought. Julian exhaled loudly. “The only consolation is that you’ve got a leg up because of your Jedi. You get a weird feeling, you trust it, you hear me?” Abigail exhaled through her nose and nodded. They were getting nowhere fast, all this was doing was making him even more worked up and she was starting to legitimately fear for his nerves. And he just kept on going! Obviously the only way she was going to get him to let this go was to just agree with him, so she did. “Be mindful of my feelings. Got it,” she couldn’t help quipping, the smallest of smiles playing on her lips as she stayed perfectly still in his grasp. She was joking, but she honestly was taking what he was saying seriously. She didn’t want to die. She was going to do everything she could to keep that from happening. Even more then for her family and friends, also because she was slowly realizing just how much she wanted to be with Julian. This was so bad. “Seriously, nothing’s going to happen. You’re not allowed to go gray unless it’s my doing.” She smiled tentatively at him, one of her hands reaching further up to curl fingers into the back of his hair and tugging a little. “I’m not going anywhere.” “Be mindful of--” Julian started, confused, and then it sank in. “...that is what I just said, isn’t it? When did I turn into Obi-Wan?” No, seriously. It sounded exactly like the sort of advice the old man would give. Crazy. Although Abigail’s assurances didn’t exactly put Julian at ease, they did calm him down a little. It wasn’t as if CORE was going to come knocking that night, and if she wasn’t going to leave him, he’d have a chance to watch her back as much as he could. He wasn’t keen on Camelot and he was pretty sure he was violating some sort of CORE code of conduct, but hey: those were the perks of being out and ignorant of most of the escapees’ activities. If anyone took issue with who he saw and didn’t see, he could punch them with a clear conscience. “Alright. I’ll hold off on the gray as long as you keep yourself safe.” He agreed. And, uh. She was doing the thing with her fingers in his hair. Julian wasn’t as easily derailed by the physical contact as his own tendency to wind up shirtless and showing off battle wounds seemed to derail Abigail, but it was still pretty distracting. Score one for the Camelot warrior. “...you’re doing that on purpose.” He muttered, but for the first time since they’d begun arguing, Julian cracked a genuine smile. “Misdirection. I’m on to you, Roth.” But clearly not upset, because he leaned in to kiss her. How. How had they wound up right back at flirting like teenagers? The sudden appearance of a smile on his face made Abigail smile even wider and she eagerly met his lips, kissing him back more then a little forcefully and pulling him to her. She was just so relieved. At least for the last five or so minutes, all she wanted to be doing was this. This. There wasn’t any complication here, there wasn’t any CORE vs. Camelot, no talk about people dying, or her dying. Just this. Them. She could get really used to this. Julian was such a good kisser. “Oops, I’ve been caught,” she laughed after a moment as she regretfully broke the kiss, only to take matters into her own hands and jump up into his arms. Yup. Argument was officially over in her mind. They had plenty of time to have plenty more arguments later, which, judging from tonight, they definitely would have. Is it weird that she was looking forward to it? But for now, they were done arguing. She just wanted to be with him . “Mind if we skip dinner?” |