Kaleigh Peters ✈ Captain James T. Kirk (kirkout) wrote in thereincarnates, @ 2011-06-05 00:49:00 |
|
|||
Entry tags: | kaleigh peters |
Who. Kal Peters
What. Visiting Ryan's tombstone
Where. Bixby, Oklahoma
When. Backdated to Saturday evening, June 4th, 2011. A few hours after this
Warnings. Um. Angst? Lots and lots of angst.
May 15th, 2011. It was a Sunday. Just your average, normal Sunday, with a few key exceptions. Kal had gotten up early, made some coffee, eaten some breakfast. It had been five days since anyone had heard from Ryan, but it was this particular Sunday that she'd finally gotten that fateful knock on her door.
She'd rushed to it, hoping it was him, but it wasn't. It was someone from the Agency, telling her that Ryan was dead. Her world had fallen apart in a matter of just a few seconds. The exact amount of time it took to say 'Ryan was killed, I'm so sorry'.
If you were to ask Kal what had taken place in the days that came after it, she wouldn't have been able to recall. Only those closest to her, who had been there daily to witness her slow but steady demise, could say anything for certain.
For the first time in her entire life, Kal Peters was a complete mess.
She had to be reminded to eat. Reminded to sleep. She went through Ryan's funeral in a daze. The only thing she could focus on was the fact that under that mound of dirt, Ryan wasn't even there. The Agency was keeping it under wraps but she'd been given the details. Her boyfriend, the man she'd fallen head over heels for a year ago, had been hacked into pieces and only one single part of him had been salvageable. One small piece of the amazing man who'd been holding the Agency together, the man she loved. Everyone had lost something that day, but while the rest of the world moved on after, Kal stayed in bed.
After Ryan's funeral Kal had spent a good week under the covers, only emerging to pee or when Mikhail forced her to eat something. It didn't do much good, but she was grateful now more than ever that she had friends. Especially friends that were Kirk's friends too. Kirk was at a loss of how to help her, he'd never been very good at dealing with the pain that came with great loss. Apparently Kal wasn't either, but at least Kal was choosing to stay in bed instead of go out and get herself into trouble.
It wasn't until a Saturday evening on June the fourth that Kal finally dragged herself outside for something other than going to work. There was something she'd been needing to do.
Ryan's tombstone had been set up in his home town in Bixby, Oklahoma. She'd only been to Bixby once before, when Ryan had invited her over for Thanksgiving. Now the memory of that visit was as bitter tasting as every other memory she had of Ryan. Everything hurt, and she knew there was no quick fix for this, but it was time to start doing things to move past this. Even Kirk was insisting now.
She plopped down on the ground next to the patch of earth she remembered from just two weeks ago, remembered it more clearly then she could recall her own name. The grass hardly felt real under her fingers tips as she dug her fingers forcibly into the dirt, working on training her gaze on Ryan's name etched into stone. Everything still felt so intangible. Pretty soon she couldn't tell if her eyes were watery from the tears she'd been neglecting to shed or because she'd forgotten to blink.
"I'm sorry, ma'am. I don't wanna lie to ya, so I'll tell you straight up. It doesn't work without a body, or some sort of remains."
"But I don't have it, and there's nothing else. Can't you do anything?" "No, ma'am, I'm sorry but it doesn't wor-" -- "Then what is the POINT?!"
Kal cringed at the memory of just a few hours prior. Her last desperate act to hold onto something familiar had fallen through, and now she was left with this. Clinging to the last shred of her resolve as she tried to come to terms with the fact that Ryan was dead. He wasn't coming back.
Thought you didn't believe in no-win scenarios.
Kirk's voice rang out in her head with that same tone of wry amusement. Something she usually loved, but right now she was wishing he had a face of his own that she could punch. "Don't get us confused, James. This looks like a pretty no-win scenario to me," Kal shot back bitterly under her breath. "... He's dead. Where's the win in that."
A Captain can't cheat death. But we can sure as hell rise above it.
That actually got something almost like a laugh out of Kal and she shook her head, wiping at the corner of her eye as she drew her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them. "When the hell did you get so sage? We spent way too much time talking to Yoda."
But she didn't disagree with him. She knew he was right. And it was time to stop wallowing, as much as a huge part of her wanted to keep doing it until it stopped hurting this much. It wouldn't be easy, and it would still be awhile before she stopped drinking herself to sleep every night, but at least she'd finally started thinking in terms of the future. For over a year now she thought Ryan was her future, and in some ways he already had been. She still held the memories of that alternate universe fresh in her mind, and it suddenly struck her that she'd lost him then too. The only difference now being that she wouldn't have something made of flesh to remember him by. Her hand drifted idly to her stomach as she remembered Josh with a faint motherly fondness, followed by a sharp pang at the realization that she might never know that in this life.
If Ryan's death had taught her anything it was that nothing was permanent. Nothing was set in stone. And it was time for her to stop sitting idly by and pitch in. The man she loved wouldn't die for nothing.
But first things first.
Kal looked up at the clouds for a long moment before heaving a heavy sigh and screwing up her face in an attempt to keep from crying as she finally looked back at his tombstone. It didn't work, after only a few seconds her vision was completely impaired with her tears. When she finally spoke, not to Kirk but to where Ryan was supposed to be buried but never would be, her voice cracked against a sudden breeze.
"I miss you so much. Please don't forget me. Wherever you are."