Who: Betty Peabody When: Wednesday night, June 16th 2010. Where: Somewhere in Los Angeles What:It's her party and she'll cry if she wants to? Depression kills. Not the happiest way to spend your birthday. OOC Note: She doesn't wake up until the wee hours of the morning.
After everything else that had happened that year, today, Betty Peabody turned twenty-two. Up until this morning she'd actually forgotten about it, her own birthday. That was so unlike Betty, usually she jumped at the chance to have a day entirely focused on giving her gifts, but today? It honestly felt like any other day, only worse. She wasn't happy. When Betty really searched herself, she wasn't happy. Sure, she was happy with Phin, and she was actually happy that she was pregnant (and what a miracle that is), but other then that? She still found it hard to get up in the morning, especially lately. Phin didn't notice. He never noticed. He was a good man and she loved him, but it honestly ate away at her how much he didn't notice. How much he just forgot or brushed aside, when her every thought was about him. When he was in his own little world, it was like she couldn't touch him. Couldn't reach him, she needed Phin like she needed air and if she couldn't reach him... He was too comfortable, and she was constantly falling off the edge, that wasn't right was it? That's not how things were supposed to be. Why was she so wrong in there? She needed help, but she had no idea how to ask for it. How had she gotten so lost? "You've lost your way."
She wasn't happy. Everything that had happened during the war still haunted her, everything. And she'd had to do it alone, without him. She didn't care how much he 'couldn't watch', he'd left her alone, and now even after their big talk, she feared that she'd never forget that. Can you really ever forget the past? Because she'd done things to him too, Betty wondered if he'd never forget those either. She thought she'd be happier, being back with Phin, and in most ways she was, but the truth was you can't change what's already happened. And what's already happened was slowly killing her. How did you make that stop? And Leon, Leon was killing himself. And killing other people. She couldn't stand it. She knew it wasn't her fault, Ben was who he was and Leon was who he was, but she certainly hadn't helped the situation at all and now she had to live with this. However Sam or whoever else dealt with this, she had to live with the knowledge that she'd had a hand in his undoing. At the moment, she wasn't actually sure that she could live with that, on top of everything else. And what's worse, she had no one to talk to about it. No one. Phin didn't care, she'd burned her bridges with Sam and Logan, and as for Aimee, Dallas and Rick? They'd heard enough of her problems, even Betty didn't want them to hear anymore. She was done talking, she was done being that burden.
So Betty put on a brave face for Phin, for her friends, for Daniel and the people of Camelot that she was now semi-in charge of again. Obviously it worked, because no one noticed. She and Phin had returned to LA Wednesday morning, since they very well couldn't have her party in the castle. And when it came time for her birthday celebrations that evening, Betty was just... tired. She hadn't wanted to go anywhere, plus she couldn't drink anyway, being pregnant. So she'd invited friends over; Rick and Dallas of course, plus some people from Shire Resort and even a couple of her siblings showed up. It was the first time Betty had seen Al and Les in awhile so she'd put on a happy face for them too until she just couldn't anymore. It was around one A.M when she'd snuck out of her and Phin's apartment without telling anyone, wrapping a sweater around her and leaving her own party. It had been dying down anyway and most of the people had gone, and for some inexplicable reason she needed to get out of there. She just wanted a few moments alone, so she took them, she needed some peace and quiet to just... think, and breathe in the fresh, night air. Well, as fresh as Los Angeles air was gonna get, anyway.
Without really thinking about it she'd just started walking, until she realized that she no longer knew where she was and god, she was so tired. She reached a park and there was a nearby bench so Betty laid down on it and curled up into the fetal position, for warmth and because it made her feel safer. She rarely felt safe these days. She knew she'd built herself up quite a target on her head, how long was she going to be able to keep this up before someone actually got to her? She had a family now, or she will have one. Her life was too dangerous to start a family, what the fuck had she been thinking? Betty shivered a little and curled more into herself, the feeling of the cold wood against her skin somewhat comforting. She didn't even need to be drunk, she felt enough of a haze in her head that it was disorienting her completely as it is. How could she be this messed up and have a kid? She couldn't, she'd mess it up too. Was she going to be a horrible mother? Her lungs felt like ice and her chest tightened as another wave of anxiety rolled over her. She was barely a month into her pregnancy and the hormones hadn't even begun to really kick in. What if Phin was away and something happened that pushed her over the edge? She could already feel herself getting to that point. She couldn't be this fucked up and have a child...
It was her birthday, after all. That was supposed to mean something. She was supposed to be celebrating life, not waiting for it to end. Laying on the bench, her eyes closed against her will, the wave of exhaustion overcoming the almost simultaneous wave of fear. She shouldn't be here, she should be asleep in her own bed, not out here on this bench where anyone could find her. What if they were coming after her? No one was here to help her if they were, no one was... After the war, even when she was surrounded by people, Betty still felt ridiculously alone. Would that ever change? God she didn't want to be alone, she needed Phin, she needed everyone. Without them, Robin was nothing. 'I'M nothing', she corrected herself in her head, sighing out a shuddering breath against the cold, hard wood of the bench and no longer trying to force her eyes open. All she needed was to rest for a minute, and then she'd go back home, if she could find her way. Just a few more minutes with her eyes shut and she'd get up and walk back home and everything would be fine...