Andrew Kirin || Unicorn (unicorn_is_dead) wrote in thegrand_ic, @ 2012-05-23 21:38:00 |
|
|||
Entry tags: | andrew kirin, caim/adrian marius |
Who: Andy & Adrian
When: After Taj leaves
Where: The room in Adrian's house
What: Switching off
Warning: Depression
Andy could have - should have - gone to Kareem's and seen his kittens, seen him and curled up with him and clung to his big brother to try and fix his hemorrhaging heart but he didn't. He didn't want to be another burden to his brother and he didn't think he'd be able to tone down how he felt around K the way he thought he'd need to because he couldn't be sure that not doing so wouldn't scare his brother. He didn't want to scare him either, didn't want to scare anyone, and that was why he told them all that he'd be lying low for a while. He didn't want them to think that they'd just lost another brother.
He still blamed himself for pushing Taj to this and hurt because, as Taj had said, his brother was walking away. He didn't feel like he could say anything about it though when he was responsible for the way things were, but he couldn't help the way he felt.
He went to the only place he knew he'd be able to hate himself freely in and he escaped to Adrian's house, the room for which he'd been given the key. He didn't care if Adrian came in and wanted to screw, he'd do just about anything to be allowed to stay. He knew he was hiding like a spineless dog but he didn't care, he couldn't cope and it was either cut his losses with his pride or, well... he knew not to hang himself from ceiling lights now and he wouldn't be saved twice. He'd just be leaving his brothers anyway and it was that guilt in the end that stopped him hurting himself and had him going to ground.
He'd held it together inasmuch as he could, pale and sick looking on his walk to Adrian's. He was wearing his own clothes, nothing to remind him of anyone, and he toed off his shoes and curled up under the bed once he'd gotten in, locking the door behind him. He crawled right up to the head of the bed, curling in tight against the pillows like he was trying to keep all the parts of him in, and finally let go there. He pressed his face against the cloth and cried, hard, wrenching wails that came and came but still didn't dull any of the dark things inside him. He cried like a toddler until his face was red and his throat sore and his knuckles leaking blood faintly where he'd bit into his own hand, he cried until he fell asleep; face still ruddy, eyes wet, his hair sticking to his face in places, Andy gave himself over to the nightmares that stalked his head because even if they did terrify him at least the only person being hurt in them was him.
He didn't cry again but he did nothing else either. Listless, he lay under the covers staring at the other wall when he woke before drifting back into sleep only to start all over again, eating nothing, tired no matter what sleep he got, not moving at all for days until Adrian next came in.