If I could be with him now, if I could find the strength and courage to do it, I would sell my soul and give up my heart, however weak it is.
Do I regret it? Part of me does, yes. There is a hole in my heart so big and wide that I feel like only a shade, a whisper of a real person. I fear it's too big to be repaired at this point. But the other part of me- It stubbornly believes that it was for the best. He seems cheerful enough, and he's had many significant others and dates and romantic interests after we broke up. And he doesn't hate me, since he has stuck by me so closely after all these years. And he's the one who insisted on doing that, not me. And if we hadn't broken up, I would have never gotten in contact with my cousin, and never have saved Anaximander, and he'd be- he wouldn't be alive.
For every second that I've known you, I have listened to and taken to heart every syllable you've ever uttered. This is who I am! When I tried to change myself to be worthy of your love, did you not tell me to remain true to myself? To never change for anyone? And- And am I not allowed to make mistakes? For all my accomplishments, do all my faults still shine through so gloriously? I have tried to the best of my ability and judgement to please everyone, to make their lives better. I have devoted the entirety of myself to the ones I've loved. I did not ask for your support, Sirius. I did not even want to talk about this to begin with. But your insistence to dig deeper wounds and my inability to refuse you prevailed. And I thought maybe, at least, that you would help me or- or at least not treat me so spitefully. But now I feel just disgusting and like such a failure. And no, do not offer me any sort of pity. That is the last thing I want from you.