Meetra Surik (extorris) wrote in thedoorway, @ 2015-12-25 23:37:00 |
|
|||
Entry tags: | meetra surik |
Who: Meetra Surik (Open)
When: Saturday, December 25
Where: Potts Tower, 13th floor
What: Some Christmas presents are kind of...full of suck
Rating: PG-13 (Mentions of violence and death, some less then ideal Jedi thoughts, and swearing)
Status: Narrative, but can be Open
Meetra Surik is a shit Jedi. This has been a known fact to her when she came back to Coruscant with arguments on her lips, and they rewarded her with exile and making her leave her 'saber behind. When she'd walked out of the Temple with fury boiling under her skin she'd thrown her outer robe on the ground and had kicked it into a pile and said goodbye to the entire thing with every curse she could come up with being screamed at the hallowed halls of her predecessors.
She'd also cried her entire trip off planet, because this had been the only home she'd ever known and now they were throwing her away because she didn't fit into their carefully planned molds. She'd cried for the loss of Malachor too, for her soldiers, for Revan, for Alek, for the moment when all time had seemingly stopped before everything had shattered right to pieces. The Jedi would have told her not to, to contain her emotions but she wasn't Jedi anymore and had only grieved.
Not so different now, only now she's years older and had hoped wiser. She put up a carefully maintained front of calm detached wisdom, mixing the girl who had not let anyone close except when they became useful with the woman who had found a sort of odd family in a too crowded ship mixed in with someone who knew what she was now and was working on shoring up her weaknesses. But it was only a front, and it could apparently come down with nothing but a box and it's contents.
She'd thought nothing of it when it arrived, only curious what it could contain. No danger, and unable to be opened and she'd been unwilling to risk her lightsaber to satisfy her curiosity, so when it had the box had unlocked itself (a few days after the fact) she'd peered in. She'd scared her cat with the curses she'd leveled at the objects within. The 'sabers were plain like any Jedi's of good make and utterly, gut wrenchingly familiar to her. She'd have recognized them anywhere.
They were Kavar's, and the sight of them had brought up a score of memories she'd long forgotten. Or tried to pretend she'd forgotten, in this case. Some time between finding the lightsabers and her current break she must have come up to the little garden on the 13th floor. She had enough frame off mind to close off her Force Bonds (no one needed to bear this burden but her), before she'd found a seat and started crying.
Which is why she knows she's shit at this duty of hers. A Good Jedi, a Proper Jedi would have looked at the 'sabers with an odd sort of emotional wistfulness, recited the Code and gone on with their lives. Not her. Apparently finding something from her past put her in this state.
Somewhere, in whatever hell is reserved for creatures like her, Kreia is laughing.
It's not surprising, really. She's been on edge ever since the movie, ever since learning that everything she did and went through is no longer real, if at all it ever was. And usually she's fairly good at pushing it away but it's gotten under her skin. Now, too she tries pushing all this back int it's corner to stay where it needs to and not come out. She succeeds long enough to look up and remember Kavar. His teachings, the way he kept saying the Force had a sense of humor. The way they'd become friends even as he'd been training her. The long walks they had taken through the plains of Dantooine, talking about what seemed like nothing but had always turned into some sort of lesson.
Then she looked at the 'sabers and only remembered how he'd died. When she'd found them all and gotten them to go to the Enclave. Where she'd gone to finally get her answers and where they'd all told her told her the truth and said they'd remove the force from her permanently. Where she'd bowed her head and thought 'maybe this is for the best' and still, after everything trusted them and trusted Kavar. And then being suspended in stasis, not able to act and only being able to watch as Kreia walked in and lashed out at them. Remembering how she'd wanted to scream and tear everything to shreds as she'd watched all of them, and more importantly her old friend, slowly being drained from not only life but the force itself. Remembering how Kreia had taunted and then walked away. And when she'd come to trying, so desperately, to find life in the bodies. How she'd set her hands on Kavar's shoulders and looked into his eyes and knew that he wasn't just dead (because there was after all, the Force) but also just plain gone.
It had been in that moment, she wished they'd been right. That she was a threat to all life, the Force itself even, and could find Kreia and tear her to pieces, consume her like Nihilus consumed planets in his hunger. Even now, staring at the lightsabers she wished she could dig Kreia out of whatever pit Sith went to in their afterlife and pay her back twice over for doing that to someone she'd cared for. She wouldn't of course (and also because she had a theory going dark wasn't just one thing. It was a series of choices, and those choices she could never make). A minute after wishing that she knew that above everything she'd just want Kreia to be a mentor again, a friend. Not the half crazed Sith she'd turned into, someone who'd killed the Jedi in such a way that it had gone to just plain cruel. But maybe she'd never met that Kreia either.
"Fuck," she muttered and wiped a hand over her eyes. Last time, after she'd found out the truth and had seen them die she'd gone into seclusion wanting no more pain and to no longer do the things the Council had said she did. It had taken Mical, with his unwavering faith in her (which she'd never deserved), to drag her out of that. She didn't really have that here. She had friends, yes and even Revan was here but these burdens weren't theirs. Especially not Revan's. She'd failed getting him out of that sith infested, storm crazed planet and even if it killed her she'd see to it he had peace because he deserved that. He didn't deserve her heaping all this woebegone mess of hers on him.
"Fucking shitting Force damned fucking cube", she swore. It was easier to blame the Tesseract, or even the force in these moments. She desperately, and again being a Shit Jedi, wanted to hit something. Instead she brushed the tears from her eyes, still knowing she was crying and picked the 'sabers up. They felt odd in her hands, not right, and she knows why. "Yeah. I know. You're stuck with me though." Immediately she knows if Mical shows up, he's getting one of these (he deserves it, considering how she'd just left him to figure things out not once but twice) (She's also kind of a shitty Master). The other one, well she'll find someone. She's never used two, but she could adapt to it. Still though, she'd be plagued by the memories and she knows it will inhibit the lightsabers and how she'd use them. She set them on her lap before using her sleeves to clear her face. "Oh, Force. I'm a mess."