Sherlock S. Holmes (sherlockholmes) wrote in thedoorway, @ 2015-05-15 22:02:00 |
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Entry tags: | !network post, !trigger warning, jamie moriarity, sherlock holmes (elementary) |
[Joan Watson]
I feel rejuvenated, better, and properly distanced from a person that is not me and a life that is not mine. I understand that I worried you and for that I am sorry. It was a difficult episode to watch, both because I bombarded with imagery and because I truly believed myself to be above Oscar's petty tricks and temptations.
I have never believed myself "cured" - I know that isn't how it works, and I know that it is something that I shall, and am prepared to quest against for the rest of my life. I have never led myself to believe otherwise and I never would. But --
That episode. I fooled me. Do you understand? I did not believe that I would use, and then I did. I am not an easy man to mislead and in watching me do so, it threw into question just how much of my recovery is an actual lie. If I can fool myself into believing that I am that far away from using when in actuality, the means and the desire are laying at my feet; I struggle to appreciate the faith I have always had in my own willpower.
There is no excuse for my avoiding you yesterday evening. But I was not running off to Moriarty, I was reaching out to her. Last night I needed a distraction, I needed to indulge in one of my other obsessions and something that is completely unobtainable to the Sherlock Holmes we see on the screen. I needed to cement in my mind that my life here is different and therefore, so too am I. She offered me that, and she was there for me. I have no disillusion about her, Watson, and certainly no misconceptions. But last night she was my friend, and I owe her for that. She gave me help when I asked for it.
I am now ready to resume the proper channels of recovery and maintained sobriety.
Could I interest either of you in perhaps going to get a cup of coffee with me.[Jamie Moriarty]
I mean to ask last night, but we spent significantly less time talking than I'd anticipated -- which -- is by no means a complaint. But how is your work going?