Anakin Solo (anakinsolo) wrote in thedoorway, @ 2015-05-06 11:08:00 |
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Entry tags: | !log, anakin solo |
Who: Anakin Solo (& a sleeping Rikki Barnes)
When: Early morning, May 6
Where: Potts Tower 1509
What: His dad getting memories rather pushed Anakin's to the surface as well.
Rating: Moderate, discussion of death.
Status: COMPLETE.
Anakin Solo had always had a good memory. Even as a boy he'd been able to remember things from when he was much younger, events where probably he ought to have been too young to really register the type of details that he did. There were any number of times when this wasn't a problem and it was extraordinarily useful. There were other times though, that he wished he could just forget images burned into his mind with the clarity of a hologram or a portrait rather than the blurry edges of memories of things that had happened long ago. Not that long ago, perhaps, but long enough. Long enough that the edge ought to have faded, and the horror, the sick feeling that crept up on him every time he thought about it in any universe, lessened. Tonight he was awake, laying on his side, staring at the walls - and the glimpse between the draperies to the outside window of New York. Who knew what time it was, but he didn't dare move to check, or to pull close the draperies and block out the lights from a city that never entirely slept. He could have tugged them closed with the Force, that he didn't was merely an excuse of something to stare at to try to block the images in his mind, as clear as if Sernpidal had happened yesterday, not two or - with the time he'd been here in New York - three years ago. He closed his eyes and let out a breath, slowly and quietly so he wouldn't disturb Rikki with her arms wrapped around him and her chest against his back as she slept peacefully presumably without nightmares which was precisely what Anakin wanted for her. If he could make every one of her nightmares go away forever he would. And perhaps he could, if she'd let him try. It was a passing thought, a question for another time, and for the light of day. Tonight he found her hand, sliding his fingers among hers and giving and drawing comfort with the touch. He knew all too well the power of nightmares to sow fear amongst the strongest and bravest of spirits. These days any nightmare began with Sernpidal or the Yuuzhan Vong. They might not end there, but it was impossible to get the images, the grief, the darkness he'd had to face at home out of his head completely and perhaps the quiet here only made the nightmares more noticeable because there was nothing to overshadow them. He had lost more than Chewie that day at Sernpidal. He'd lost the belief that his father could fix anything. He'd lost his innocence. He'd lost his father in alcohol and grief. Losses that sounded insignificant in the face of the loss of a planet and millions of lives, yet to Anakin they existed in crystal clarity. Always before he'd told himself that those nightmares were contained to a galaxy far, far away, and they couldn't touch him here. And even if he'd known it wasn't true he'd told himself they had no power here. Despite his best intentions, tonight was proving otherwise. There is no emotion, there is peace. Anakin closed his eyes against the city, breathed in and focused his mind on the word peace, on the feel of Rikki's skin against his, the sheets over them, the places his body touched the mattress, the weight of every limb, every place he and Rikki fit perfectly together - awareness focused on the here and the now as he repeated the code one line after another. He had fear, fear of losing his father all over again, fear that once again something would happen and he would be unable to save people closest to him, and fear that it was all starting again here - whatever charm they'd had in this ridiculous place had been broken when Jacen had disappeared just as at home it had broken with Chewie's death. He had fear, but he would not wade in and willingly roll about in it. He had hope too, and the belief of the necessity of love and compassion and connection, and the power of second chances. Centering, and re-centering, and pushing out anything that would threaten to invade, Anakin slowly found himself in the Force - that quiet place of peace, knowledge, serenity, and harmony - and he immersed himself in that light. One light could break darkness, just one, and Anakin could be one light. |