Anakin Solo (anakinsolo) wrote in thedoorway, @ 2015-01-24 00:13:00 |
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Entry tags: | !network post, anakin solo, rikki barnes / nomad (616) |
RP Log; Anakin Solo & Rikki Barnes.
Who: Anakin Solo & Rikki Barnes
When: January 20, directly following this conversation
Where: Brew Ha Ha
What: Anakin & Rikki play at being mature, non-avoiding adults, and dig into some difficult things.
Rating: Talk of future deaths, nightmares, impossible calls. Mostly just A for Angst.
Status: COMPLETE.
“Thanks.” Rikki gave a half smile to the barista as she took her drink and made her way back to a small table in the corner. Anya wasn’t on shift today which was good in its own way. While she wasn’t exactly sure what was going on, this wasn’t a conversation she wanted to have with her best friend around. Granted it was probably one that she would need to talk with Anya about afterwards. There was just so much talking involved and it was way more than Rikki was really used to. For now she sat and waited, staring down at her drink as tried to keep her nerve up. There was a lot that Anakin and her had talked about, a lot more than really she would have talked about with anyone else other than maybe Anya or Steve. But still Rikki was exceptionally good at keeping things to herself. Even though the fact that he understood, probably better than just about anyone else here, it didn’t exactly make any of that easier. And the fact that he was right about the need to talk just added to that. But if Anakin wanted to talk, that’s part of what she was here for. As his girlfriend, his friend, his leader, if Anakin felt it was time to talk then she would be doing a disservice to them both if she didn’t. Sighing softly she took a sip of her drink and tried to focus. This would be a good thing, right? Anakin had no idea what he was doing. He frequently didn't, but he just did what felt right, trying to rely on training and intuition and the Force. And the entire conversation had gone places he hadn't intended. What had started as him teasing her, had turned serious, and… well, he couldn't say that he hadn't thought about any of it before. But this month had started his fifth month here in this place and everything had been a whirlwind. The truth of his future at home, the allies, Rikki, his brother's arrival… and as the months passed and he stayed put, he had started to realise that he couldn't avoid things forever. It had started with his Jedi training, something that Jacen's arrival had remind him was really important, and now it seemed to have finally crept its way into other things. Maybe the Jedi training was at least partially to blame for this, because after having just acted or reacted for most of the first few months he was here, Anakin was actually focusing more - taking time for training and meditation, and trying to listen to the whispers the Force gave, rather than just blindly pushing on ahead. And while it hadn't been where he'd intended the conversation to go, when it had slipped there, he'd realized it was time. Maybe way past time… Even if he'd have preferred to just go kiss her for twenty minutes. He saw her as soon as he walked in and it brought a smile to his lips. She always managed to make him smile. He waved and went to retrieve a coffee for himself. Espresso brewed, mixed, and handed over, he walked her direction. He stepped up to the table, slid the drink down on it, and pulled out a chair as he gave her a lopsided grin. "Hey, Grumpy Cat." It was more than a bit ridiculous that just seeing him was in made Rikki’s heart flutter a bit in her chest. Despite saying that everything felt like it was moving exactly as it should, objectively looking at just how they had met and where they were now Rikki knew this had all moved very quickly. But even looking at it objectively she could not say that she really minded. His wave got one in return and she felt a little more comfortable in her seat as she waited. Not that it reduced the nerves in her stomach at all, but at least there was that ease at knowing that at least he was here. “Don’t call me that.” she huffed, not able to resist the small smile and heat that rushed to her cheeks only to fade away pleasantly. It was easy, familiar, and she had no idea how that had happened so soon. But since it had, it did mean that time had come and gone to talk. And so they would talk. Like the mature adults they occasionally imagined they were. “We can still run away to the 13th floor.” she pointed out helpfully. "We'll keep it as our out should we need one," Anakin shrugged good naturedly as he pulled the chair up across from her. They could talk with each other, see each other, look at each other, and yet there was a table between them to keep them focused on the things they needed to focus on. And there were things. Onslaught. Her nightmares. His future. Tensions in the young allies. And probably that just scratched the surface. It made them unfortunately diverse enough that Anakin didn't really know where to begin to pop open the conversation. And wherever they did it was going to be difficult and challenging and painful - for both of them probably - which meant it wasn't something Anakin was exactly looking forward to. The idea of bringing painful things to light for Rikki, wasn't exactly on his list of 'ways he wanted to spend the afternoon'. "So." He said, wrapping his hands around his coffee cup and looking at her. "Where should we start?" Right, well, they’ve set about to do this. And once Rikki Barnes set her mind, there was no changing it. But starting, well, that was a tricky question. There was a lot needed to be covered and most of it they had only told each other in passing, small mentions that hinted at a wider issue. How did you just start unpacking the issues of death and dying? It wasn’t exactly the usual over coffee discussion. Reaching out across the table, she held out her hand for him to take. The table could separate them and keep them focused, allow them to avoid what they usually did to distract themselves. But he was an anchor for her and Rikki was pretty sure it was the same for Anakin as well. If they were going to do this it would be together. “They’re more than just nightmares.” Well, might as well be the one to start. Anakin slid his hand over to cover hers his fingers sliding around hers as he did so. Hand holding didn't distract too terribly, and the touch was going to be good for both of them. Anakin suspected they both needed that physical touch and it was at least half of the reason they got as distracted as they frequently did from conversations. The other half was that neither of them really wanted to discuss the past (or the past-future). But while they couldn't dwell in the past, they couldn't live in its shadow forever either. Their pasts and subsequently their futures in their respective home realities would inform their future here. There was simply no way it could be otherwise. They both knew too much, and they had both experienced too much. Still, when Rikki spoke, Anakin felt his throat tighten slightly and his face turned more sober as he kept his eyes on her. The nightmares kept being the thing he tried to solve - the problem he couldn't quite unlock for her - and one he wasn't ready to give up on. He squeezed her hand and let out a breath. So they were doing this and in they went. "In what way?" His hand fit perfectly with her own. It was strange to think of just how well they balanced each other. The last time Rikki had met someone who just fit had been Anya and even then Anya had fought her way into Rikki’s life despite just how gruff and offputting Rikki knew she could be. And maybe it had started that way with Anakin too. But just like once she had made that decision to trust Anya, trusting Anakin had been as much of a switch. Her thumb ran lightly against his hand as she looked at the tether between them. She could do this. They both could. But sometimes it felt like facing death was the simple part. After all once you died that was supposed to be it. This was something more. “Nightmares I can handle. They’re not real. It’s just fear. And if it was just nightmares about that night, well it’s already happened it can’t get worse than it already was. The world was saved.” Rikki pursed her lips as she tried to explain it. “The dreams, they more like a map. It’s not the same place. And the fact that it is different is what terrifies me. If these are real, if somehow there’s a break in this universe that he could slip through... Anakin, Gravity had to deatomize me last time. I felt my entire body breaking apart on a molecular level. We don’t have someone here that does that. I don’t know if dying you be enough to stop him.” There was an ache that settled anytime Anakin thought about Rikki and Onslaught and the possibility of him finding her here. Her words tore at his heart, pricking fear that she might have to experience it again. It was fear he needed to push aside for this moment because they weren't likely to find answers to any of it in fear - at least no answers that either of them would want. He pulled on the Force for peace and calm and he gently squeezed her hand. He'd been reading things about visions and premonitions. He had spent hours pouring over information collected by fans of his world that would never have guessed a real Jedi would be relying on their words and their ability to source information to try to pull together a plan that was viable. Force premonitions were tricky and his family from his Uncle to his Grandfather to his own brother had struggled with them. He'd had nightmares of his own. But this was different. These weren't force visions. ...At least they probably weren't. To add to the complication he and Rikki existed realities not completely unlike each other, but there were no Jedi in her world. If the Force existed, it was tapped in a very different way. Could her nightmares be brought on by something similar to the Force? It wasn't impossible, even if it wasn't something that Anakin could put any proof behind. "The future is tricky. Just because you have nightmares? It doesn't mean it's going to repeat here in the same way or even at all," Anakin pointed out. "Uncle Luke would say the future is always in motion and I never really paid as much attention to that at home as I have been here but he's right. There are so many variables..." He hesitated, his eyes on her face. It was difficult to comprehend her not being here to sit across from, but down that pathway was … an Anakin Solo he might not like very much. "Your nightmares. Are they same every time? Or are they different? Is it the same map, or does it give you a different version?" “I know that.” Rikki sighed, squeezing his hand instinctively. The future wasn’t set, that was sort of the whole point of the future. How many times had she seen heroes change it somehow when it seemed inescapable. But sometimes it wasn’t, it was unavoidable and there were certain things that would always happen some way or another. Ignoring that in favor of insisting there was another way could blind you till it was too late to do what needed to be done. Not every story had a happy ending. But sometimes it could still have a noble one. And no, she didn’t know if these dreams would happen. There was enough in common though that the worry ate at her and had for months now. “The place is the same every time. I don’t know where it is, but last time.” Last time Toro had been in trouble. Last time Steve had left her behind and hadn’t given her enough information so she had followed. It had been a stupid choice, one that put the world at risk and if she somehow made the same one here? Her life would never be worth more than the world, they both knew that. “Some parts change. Sometimes who’s there. And I don’t know if they’re real. It’s just that they could be.” Chewing her lip slightly Rikki looked back up at him. “Last time Onslaught used Toro. He was part of the bait. It nearly killed him too.” Anakin kept his eyes on hers. He hadn't known that and there were things that popped into place when she said it. Little things that she'd said, or her reluctance to pull him in. He was silent as he considered the implications. They were both fighters, they both tended to throw everything in to protect other people, and in the end it seemed that tendency had gotten them both killed, or would get them both killed, in their own realities. He lived the coffee cup to his lips and took a sip and put it back down, never lifting his other hand from hers. "First things first. There is no way I will ever give up trying to keep that from happening to you again, but If he comes through? If for some reason we end up fighting that nightmare in reality, then I will be there every step of the way, Rikki, and we're all of us energy. You exist in the Force, and the Force can be manipulated." His mouth felt dry, but in a way he realized she was enough like him to need to hear him say this. It was an impossible thing to consider, but both of them had made pledges to protect people - and that was about more than their own desires. It had to be. "If you don't think killing you would be enough…" The words stuck in his throat. He swallowed and determination set in. "I'll look. Okay? We'll cover that possibility and then we'll make sure we never have to use it." He squeezed her hand again. "Secondly… You said 'who's there', they're different people? But no one you recognize?" Rikki desperately wanted out of this conversation. But part of her needed to hear this, needed to hear that he would actually consider the options that would need to be taken. For all he was an idealist Anakin had to see that there was a need for a plan that they knew would actually work because it had worked before. Practicality demanded that the option be considered. And while he didn’t think it would have to be used, that he could come up with some other way, the fact remained that if they had that information and there was no other choice they could move forward. Setting her drink down, she reached out with her other hand and just held onto his. Anakin was real, solid, someone that she was already mapping out in her mind. And the heart he had was too good sometimes. “Anakin, I recognize the people there.” she said softly, her eyes focused on his hand. Both times she had been surrounded by people she loved. What if it happened again? She fidgeted with his fingers in her hands. It was a distraction and she knew it but it was enough to keep her from giving into the part of her that regretted being the one to start. “Widow’s already agreed to kill me if it comes to it. And I know Jon would as well if it needs to be done. I’ve started covering the bases I can.” Anakin laced his fingers through hers wishing desperately that he could guarantee that all of this was unnecessary. There was no rip in time that Onslaught could come through. This reality wasn't her home and it wasn't possible for Onslaught to show up here. But he couldn't guarantee it. And any assurances would be false assurances. So the only thing he could do was to work to ensure there was a solution to the problem. "Then I'll work on covering the other one," he said softly, his pain at the idea clearly evident in his blue eyes, but neither of them had said this would be easy. He frowned and glanced down at her hands in his. If he could protect her from every hurt… she didn't deserve this worry in this reality too. "Has anything about the nightmares… have you found it here? I guess, what I'm asking is, has there been any point where something in that nightmare - outside of the people," his voice softened and he squeezed her hand gently. He didn't ask if he was one of them. It didn't matter. What mattered is that she did recognize the people, and he could tell it was eating away at her. "Any part that has seemed familiar thus far? You said they mapped… have you recognized any of the places they have mapped?" “Thank you.” Rikki looked up at him momentarily before looking away again. It hurt, she knew it did. If they were talking about having to kill him, well, Rikki knew she would do it if it meant saving the world but it would break her. She had no idea how Gravity managed afterwards. Angelina had said he fell into a deep depression. And really who could blame him? He saved the world by destroying his friend. This was never about what would be easy or what they wanted. What she wanted was to live. She wanted to be able to have stupid thoughts about maybe marrying Anakin one day and having a family like her grandparents had, maybe even retiring one day to help people in a different way than just punching bad guys. Though if she was honest she was far more likely to follow Steve’s footsteps there than her grandparents. But that was not necessarily the hand that had been dealt, in fact it wouldn’t be. The tesseract carried as much of a death sentence as Onslaught did for both of them. “I don’t know where it is. Last time it was in south america. So who knows. It’s a big world.” She shrugged awkwardly. “It’s not in New York, I know that much.” "Then you stay in New York," Anakin said. "We'll both stay in New York, and not go anywhere else, and not risk running into this place and letting him through. It won't solve the nightmares, but it'll keep Onslaught from coming here, more than likely, right?" He lifted a hand to run it through his hair and then returned it to hers. "And I'm still working on the nightmares themselves, and I don't know - seeing if there might be some way to actually… disconnect you from Onslaught. I don't know that it's impossible. In fact, honestly? I believe it might be possible. I just don't know how yet, but I'm not giving up on the idea. There's so much I don't understand about how the Force works, and there's even more I don't understand about how our two realities can cross section. "And this is hard to talk about, I get that. But it's… good. The more I know about what you're seeing, the more I know about what happened before, the more likely we are to find a solution for here." He lifted his hand off hers, this time to reach over and touch her cheek. "We can do that." Rikki leaned into his touch on instinct. Staying in New York forever wasn’t a plan and they both knew it. But for now it could be handled. He just had so much hope in the Force, that it would be able to solve this problem. It was a little infectious, even if Rikki didn’t truly believe that he would find some other way. But no harm came from trying as long as Anakin didn’t fixate on it to the detriment of other solutions. Death was not always the worst option. “I know. And maybe you’ll find something. But if you can’t, if we can’t, then I need to know that you’ll accept that.” Rikki replied softly, sighing. It was a terrible promise that he had already made and Rikki knew that it would be a darkness on him that he shouldn’t have to live with. But at least he would live. While it was terrible to think about Rikki had gotten her extra time, two lives in fact. Anakin was just starting. Finally looking back up at him and not looking away, Rikki reached up and held his hand against her cheek. “This isn’t just about me though.” "I know," Anakin said softly, his brow furrowing as she said it. There was a lot he'd been sitting on in the past few months. A lot that he had been avoiding, and it had been less of recent days, but the nightmare earlier in the week had reminded him that perhaps it wasn't so good to avoid it. Her skin was soft under his touch and he left his hand there for a moment, until he slid it back down to cover her other hand trying to sort through where to even begin. "Everything has been so fast," he said finally. "And I didn't stop to think about it, I just jumped, and I don't regret that at all, mind you. But it does mean that there are things I haven't stopped to consider, and sometimes I lay awake, not because of nightmares or dreams - Fortunately I haven't had those since I was a kid. - But because there's so much I wanted to do… to learn. And I'm here, and it's easy to ignore in the light of day. It's easy to ignore so long as I do classes, and do patrol, and kiss you," he looked over at her with a lopsided smile that quickly faded back to a more sober expression. "I've been meditating more… consistently. And on one hand, that's good. On the other hand, it gives me more time for reality to slip back in." “It’s easier to forget sometimes.” Rikki sympathized. It wasn’t as if she didn’t do the same things, throwing herself into work until nothing else really mattered. In Anya’s universe she spent so much time trying to recapture just a little bit of what she had at home that she had never spent much time focusing on just all that she had lost. It wasn’t healthy but then again who was she going to talk about it with? Homeless teens didn’t really have great healthcare. She had the barest hint of a sad smile as she looked at him. “I know you don’t sleep.” It was obvious enough to her given her own lack of it. The tells were easier to read in other people now that she was familiar with them in herself. While it might not be nightmares the end result was the same. It was part of why she liked having him there. She slept better and there was part of her that hoped he did too. “It’s like. Your whole future is gone.” She sighed softly, her shoulders hunching forward. “And you know everyone goes on, they have to. But all those possibilities are now just gone. Except now, here, there are so many new ones. Except you don’t know when they’ll be snatched away and you’re thrown right back into being dead, being gone.” He knew she understood this completely. They both were dealing with that. Perhaps it was part of what had drawn them together in the first place. Almost certainly it was part of why they had both rushed headlong into being together as if they weren't going to have tomorrow to live. After four months, and part of a fifth, Anakin was beginning to realize that he might be here longer. That Aunt Mara had been here over two years, that Rikki had been here for a year, and that there was a chance he could have more time. Maybe not twenty years, maybe not ten, but two. Two was possible. Three was possible, maybe even five. Whether he would get those all with Rikki - Onslaught or no - was anyone's guess. But it was possible. "In fairness, it's always been a possibility," he sighed and looked at their hands. "I suppose for me it was only a matter of time anyway. I was a soldier fighting in a war where every odd was stacked against us. It's perhaps amazing it wasn't sooner - it could have been. It could have been me on Sernpidal. I was out there looking for the cause of the problem not more than an hour before the moon came down. Chewie only put off the inevitable." Maybe it should have been him. But he couldn't really think that for any length of time. If it had been him Tahiri and the Jedi students might have died. If it had been him, his Aunt Mara might have too. If it had been him on Sernpidal, who knew what would have happened to Jaina and Jacen. The nearly two years he'd had between Chewie's death and his had not been wasted. "It seems so relatively safe here, sometimes it's anxiety inducing - like something is going to show up and something is going to happen and it will be the war all over again." For all the insanity that happened in this world, Rikki knew what Anakin meant. While she had not been in a war on the scale that he had been, she had worked directly for SHIELD. Fighting Onslaught the first time had brought together as many heroes as she could muster against a global threat that was going to destroy them. Granted she kept herself busy, always looking for trouble when trouble didn’t always find her. It kept that perpetual state of motion going. But it was different here, there was a quiet that she was not altogether expecting. “It’s enough to drive you a little crazy.” Rikki agreed, rubbing his hands gently with her own. “The what ifs. And if you don’t stay busy it could all disappear. I think sometimes just taking a moment to breathe is the hardest thing for me to do here.” "I keep trying to tell myself, that this is an actual second chance," he slid his hands over in hers, running his fingers along her wrist, her hands, they were familiar, and comforting in that familiarity. "There are people who have been here for years, and maybe - who's to know? - maybe I'll get to live a life here. It's not impossible. And then other nights, I feel like that's the worst thing to tell myself, because what happens when that's not what's happens? How do I pick up from that again? Who do I become on the other side of that?" If he lost Rikki, or he was going to… there was a part of Anakin that wasn't certain what he'd do. A part of him that was afraid it'd be easy to follow in his Grandfather's footsteps, or his brother's. It was something he was trying to figure out how to come to terms with and the only thing he knew to do was to keep meditating, to keep working with his Uncle, with Master Kenobi, with dedicating himself to the best of what the Jedi could be and trust that whatever happened here -- he would leave this world a safer place rather than a more broken one. It wasn't a guarantee though. Even when he had tried to do that at home the results of his actions were frequently imperfect. "I think sometimes - I hate that I can't change what happens at home. And even if I remembered when I went home, I know I couldn't. There wasn't - I wasn't surprised… to read what happened to me. But I can't change what happens with Jaina, or Jacen, or Tahiri. That's the worst part of that knowledge. It was easy to sacrifice myself to allow them to get out. I mean, not easy, but… necessary. And I was willing to do it if they were going to be all right. If the Jedi would survive the war. And I guess the Jedi do, in a way… But I don't think the people I care most about in the world really do. And sometimes… I'm afraid I'm going to give Jacen too much space - trust him too much, because I want so badly for him to prove he can do something good instead of what happens at home." Anakin wrapped his hands around her. "I say I'm fine, but sometimes - less than I'd like to be." Right now she wanted nothing more than to get up and hug him close. And it would end the conversation, they would move onto something else and table this until they managed to pluck up the courage again. There was an appeal to it, certainly. She could comfort him, they both needed it. But tabling this was exactly what they hadn’t wanted to do. If it was out now then they could deal with it, embrace it and more on with their lives here. They could maybe think about actual living and not just how to live them constantly in fear of what death could be right around the corner. “I’m not fine.” she sighed gently. “I mean I am. I’ve had time to get used to it, I mean I’ve experience getting used to it. And I’ll be fine. But then I’m not. It’s weird little things that I’ll start to think about, everything that can’t be changed. Even if I’d lived I wouldn’t be able to change it. It’s like being fine and not fine all at the same time.” Biting her lip slightly, she tilted her head to watch his face. “You make it easier though. I mean, that’s a lot to put on a person. And I’ve got, you know, people. People I can trust. That I care about. And you’re one of them.” "Yeah, I know what you mean." He gave her a gentle smile. "And it's not, it's not a lot to put on me. Naming me after my Grandfather? That was a lot to put on me. Helping you carry the things that aren't fine? That I've willingly taken on." He reached for the coffee cup. "I think maybe we're having to live with not being fine, and still living. Living with the knowledge that it could end tomorrow, but planning like it won't. And maybe, Rikki… Maybe we just plan like we'll be here for five years, or ten, or, hell thirty. We don't know that we won't be, do we?" “Well you’re not the only one who has to do the carrying, you know?” Rikki’s smile mirrored his own and that warm feeling grew in her heart. “Jedi or not, you’re not alone in any of this. And I’ve got plenty of room to help you out.” She couldn’t help but laugh a little when he said that though. Planning that far ahead? Granted sure she made plans for missions but that seemed almost different. Missions were missions. Someone would pick it up if she disappeared, that’s why they were a group. “Thirty? Like what, apartments, marriage, kids? That’s a lot of planning, Solo. Should I worry you’ve been scrapbooking.” "Scrapbooking?" Even with modern culture of the world a term would occasionally get thrown out that Anakin didn't quite know what it meant. It was becoming less frequent but they still happened occasionally. But Anakin didn't really know what he meant by thirty. Maybe he wouldn't until thirty hit, really. There were things he'd wanted at home. Things he'd never gotten to experience. The simple things that Rikki had just mentioned were among the obvious things he'd always assumed he'd eventually have, but right now he didn't know exactly what they would look like. He was stuck on some weird edge between being too young (literally in some cases according to this world's setup) and being old enough to know it might be his only chance and his time might be so limited. "I think what it means is whatever it looks like and right now it's nothing so intense. It's more we do it together and you let me help you and I'll try to do the same. Even when it's hard to talk about. And next year we'll do the same thing. And the year after that the same thing. And it it turns into those other things then it'll be right. I think. I'm kind of making this up as I go." He gave her a lopsided grin and pulled back a hand to take a sip of the now much cooler coffee. “I think I could agree to that.” Rikki laughed softly, ignoring the small blush that was inescapable. He had a way of just making the world seem a little less dire than it usually did and Rikki had no idea how it was even possible. But in the moments she wasn’t too scared to think about it she could see a year, another year, and maybe even continuing on into a normal life. Whatever normal meant to them anyway. Picking up her coffee, she tilted her head and raised her eyebrows with an accompanying smirk. “So. Do you want to finish your coffee here or...?” Anakin's grin was instantaneous. The conversation they had both been skating around seemed to have happened and they'd both survived it. It wasn't over, exactly, in fact it would probably be a continuing conversation of difficult pasts, and challenging futures, but as he looked across at Rikki it felt more surmountable. And maybe that was a take-away from this too. Sharing the burden with someone else, even when they were sharing their own burden back, didn't seem to make his load worse - inconceivably it seemed to lighten it. He shrugged and glanced at their coffees and then back up at her, blue eyes dancing: "I hear there's a place on the thirteenth floor." |