It has recently come to my attention that it is becoming increasingly difficult to maintain a respectable appearance in this city while remaining solitary. I have read over your network posts and have come to the conclusion that you are nearly as disliked by Percy Jackson and his ilk as am I. Ergo, I would like to make you a business proposition.
I require a girl who is willing to behave as my girlfriend in a public setting. I expect nothing whatsoever in private. In return, I will happily provide you with all the little trinkets, the clothing, the spa days and various beautifications that you require in order to reflect well upon me. You would acompany me to various public events and act publicly as if you cared for me. As I said before, I expect nothing from you in private other than your word that you tell no one - and I mean no one - of this deception.
If this proposition is agreeable to you ( and I do not see why it wouldn't be ), we will have our first outing this Friday, when I shall take you to the theater to see a dramatization of Virgil's Aenid. No doubt you will need clothing and accessories for this outing, and I will be most generous.
Please notify me of your answer with all due haste.
Sincerely,
Octavian, Legacy of Apollo, Augur of Camp Jupiter, Business Manager of the Potts Tower Youth Center.