Steve Rogers. (thelittleguy) wrote in thedoorway, @ 2014-01-23 18:16:00 |
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Although there were several reasons why Steve was glad to be back in New York City (and several reasons why he wished he could leave again, if he were perfectly honest), Sadie was right at the top of his list. There hadn’t been enough time to fuss over her like he’d wanted to after the attack at the House of Life, but he’d left for England knowing she was in good hands, and that when he got back, she’d (hopefully) be feeling better. After everything she’d given for the sake of the realms, Steve thought she deserved to be taken care of a little. She wasn’t feeling well enough to go out yet, which was just as well, since temperatures in the 20s weren’t great for eating waffles from a waffle truck. Instead, Steve had gone to the grocery store, intent on spoiling Sadie. She deserved it. Steve couldn’t say he was the neatest cook, but one of the benefits to the serum was that it had enhanced his mental processes: he’d already been a smart kid, but now his memory was off the charts, and he learned new skills at the drop of a hat. His waffles probably wouldn’t hold up in a taste test against the ones from their favorite waffle truck, but he hoped the thought made up for it. The waffles were piled high on a plate and placed on a tray beside Sadie’s favorite toppings. He had a glass of juice for her, and coffee for him. After inspecting his handiwork for a second, he nodded in approval and picked the tray up. With Sadie feeling the way she was, he’d thought it would be nice to bring breakfast to her, instead of making her come to him in the kitchen. “Sadie?” he called out from the bottom of her ladder. “Can I come up?” So life had been a little sucky. Maybe Sadie could have let people know about the constant drain that keeping the portal open was causing. But then again it was not as if she expected a massive attack from some crazy guy. Really she still hadn’t figured out how the guy had gotten past her wards to begin with. Not that she had spent too much time thinking about it. Honestly thinking was making her more tired than it usually did right now, probably in part from the whole stretching her magic to its limits trying to stop whoever he had been from getting through the portal. Logically Sadie knew she had done everything she could have. And she had even asked for help, which was the grown up and responsible thing to do. But that did not help with the fact that she felt it was still her fault. It was not like the guy had gotten past anyone else. It had been her, her specifically. Sadie’s job was to protect the portal, it had been her one job and she didn’t even do that properly. Maybe she was feeling sorry for herself. But the fact that her bed was piled as high as possible with blankets and pillows made feeling sorry for herself that much easier. A few people had been by to see her, honestly it was kind of a blur. She had spent most of the past few days asleep and her body felt like it ached all over. Grumbling as she buried deeper into the blankets, she did perk up a little bit hearing Steve’s voice. “I guess.” she called down. He would have to open the hatch himself though. I guess was invitation enough for Steve, and despite the worry he had for her well-being, he found himself smiling anyway. She hadn’t turned him away, after all. Not that he would have taken that for an answer, not after everything she’d been through. Carefully, Steve opened the hatch to her room and climbed the ladder, tray of food balanced on one hand. In anyone else’s hands, the situation might have been precarious, but not in Steve’s hands. He hadn’t seen Sadie since the day the House of Life was attacked, so he wasn’t sure what to expect when he saw her. He knew she wasn’t doing well, from talking to Bast, but he wasn’t prepared to see her looking so much like… a pile of blankets and pillows. “Are you in there somewhere?” he teased, walking over to her bed. “Because if not, I can eat all these waffles by myself…” “You caaaan’t.” Sadie whined as she pushed some of the blankets off of her head. Likely she looked as miserable as she felt, the guilt and self doubt sinking into her as she had slept to recover from the entire episode. Apparently London had been attacked too and she had not even been awake to know or help like she should have. What was the point of establishing the House of Life if she was not able to actually help the world when it was in danger? Sitting up with her shoulders hunched forward, Sadie blew a bit of hair out of her face as she looked at Steve. Okay maybe she felt a little bit better, seeing him there when what was obviously a tray full of food. Her stomach growled a bit just looking at it. “Did you have a good trip?” she asked, voice still sullen though through no fault of his. Steve chuckled as her voice filtered out from underneath some blankets. As miserable as he was sure she felt, he knew what would help. He couldn’t change anything that had happened, nor could he ease her guilt, but he did know what it was like to be in her position. No matter how many foes he went up against, he wasn’t a perfect soldier. That meant there were going to be mistakes, bad guys were going to get away, and people were going to die. He placed the tray on the bed in front of her before cautiously taking a seat. “It was…” How to describe it best? Steve wasn’t sure. Seeing Peggy had thrown his world off-balance as much as it’d straightened him out, which was fitting, seeing how she’d always done that. Their time together had been peaceful for a change, and quiet. He felt relieved of some of the guilt he’d been carrying around for the last few years. Although he’d known she’d gone on to have an incredible life without him, it hadn’t truly sunk in until he’d seen her and gotten to talk to her himself. And then there’d been the convergence, and losing a good chunk of London to dark elves and beasts from Jotenheim and God only knew what else. “It was a roller coaster. You heard what happened in London, right?” He passed her a plate and silverware. “We stopped the dark elves - that’s who attacked, and the convergence, the alignment of the realms, we had all sorts of portals opening up, creatures showing up out of nowhere from the other realms… but it’s over now.” Their luck with wormholes to other universes was holding strong. Relatively. “I heard.” Sadie’s voice dipped, a bit sad and lost. Instinctively she pulled a pillow closer to her chest, resting her chin against it. Bast had told her most of it, she hadn’t set a tv up in here yet. She probably should. It had caused a sinking pit of a feeling in her stomach. This was not her London, but it was still London even if Gram and Gramps weren’t there. Her friends didn’t exist here either, but there were still so many people that were there who had gotten hurt or died because of this and she had been stuck here, asleep. Her eyes darted up to look at Steve, even though the waffles did smell amazing and she was starting to notice just how hungry she was. “I grew up in London, you know. My grandparents are British. I didn’t come to New York till after the whole finding out we were magicians thing. I’m glad you were there to help people.” “London’s a great city.” He hadn’t spent as much time there as he would have liked, but he’d love to visit one day, really visit. If only there was time. It’d been hell just trying to get over there for a weekend to see Peggy. Steve imagined it would only be worse if he tried to plan an actual vacation. He was lucky enough that he could cancel plans without much of a loss, financially, but he hated letting people down. Since she hadn’t made a move to start eating yet, he use his fork to move a waffle to her plate. “Have you ever thought about visiting?” Steve knew that was a difficult question: places were the same, and yet so different. He’d felt strange about revisiting certain locations so far in his future, too. “They’ll be cleaning up for a while.” He felt bad about that, but it was better than letting the darkness take over. “But London will recover. How are you doing?” “Yeah it’s pretty cool. When it’s not being attacked by crazy aliens.” Sadie huffed slightly and set the pillow aside. He was clearly trying to make a point and she was too hungry to really argue. Taking the plate she started pushing the waffle around with the fork as she thought over it. All those people, she could have helped. Just like she should have been able to help at the House and instead had just ended up knocked out and out of commission for days. “It wouldn’t be the same, you know. Just like this house isn’t the same.” she said softly. “I’m fine though.” “Just like Brooklyn wasn’t the same,” Steve echoed. He understood. He wondered how many people here assumed that since he was from this place, he didn’t know. He knew what it was like. He considered her with a gentle expression - but one that also said he didn’t believe her one bit. “Sadie,” he began, his voice full of concern. “You’ve been piled up in your room for days. How much have you eaten lately?” It was obvious she was still trying to look strong, but he didn’t think she needed to put on airs for him. “I’m proud of you, you know. You did an amazing thing for us. Don’t forget that.” “No, Brooklyn’s not the same either.” Sadie agreed. It was lonely, being out of place. Sure a lot of refugees did fine and maybe she was one of them. But going back to London to visit was not something that Sadie was really looking to do anytime soon. Same with Egypt. Was it really the same with no first nome? Sadie looked up at him, eyebrow raised. “Amazing thing? I let that crazy guy get past me! People died! Sure they were bad guys but it shouldn’t have happened anyway!” Setting down her fork she shoved the plate gently away. “I’m supposed to help protect people and I didn’t do that at all.” Steve took a deep breath. He’d expected to hear something along those lines; the same thoughts often surged through his mind after something happened. He’d had the same thoughts after he lost Bucky, after Red Skull got away, after the chitauri attacked New York… Even now, as he sat there reflecting upon what had happened in London, he couldn’t forget all the lives lost. They’d won the battle, but there were always losses. “You gave us a way to help protect the realms when Thor needed help,” Steve began, keeping his voice low and soft. “You made sure we could come and go as we were needed. We couldn’t have done everything we did without you.” He wanted to reach out for her and pull her into a tight hug. No one that young should have the burden she had on her shoulders. Not even adults had the right kinds of coping mechanisms to deal with the responsibility. He and Tony struggled with it on a daily basis. “Did I ever tell you when I lost Bucky during the war?” He didn’t wait for an answer. He knew he hadn’t. “We were on a train in the Alps, fighting HYDRA. Nazis, essentially. He was dangling off the train, and I tried to reach him, but… it wasn’t enough. I watched him fall.” He took a deep, shaky breath. “A very dangerous man escaped through a portal God only knows where while I was fighting him on an airplane. I could have stopped that. I didn’t. Lots of people died a couple years ago when aliens attacked New York, and I didn’t protect all of them. Same with last year, with the bombings. And now in London, and in Asgard…” His thoughts flitted to Thor’s mother, and all the other warriors that had been lost when Malekith brought his forces there. “The point is, Sadie. We’re not perfect. We can’t save everyone, no matter how much we want to. Don’t let this one thing cloud how you see everything else you’ve done. Don’t let this one thing define how you see yourself.” Sadie knew she couldn’t protect everyone. Even back home, how many people had she watched die? How many people had died so that she could live and save more people when they couldn’t? But it was just so hard to keep in sight, so hard to just be okay when everything seemed to crash down around her. And she knew that she should not beat herself up over this but for some reason it was harder this time. It was always hard but Sadie was trying so hard to prove herself that she wondered if maybe that had blinded her to what she was actually supposed to be doing, which was protecting people. That was what magicians were supposed to do, no matter what world they were in. Pushing the plate away more, Sadie knocked the blankets aside and sprung forward. She wrapped her arms around Steve tight, holding him close as she closed her eyes and tried to just think of what good all of them had done. The scales would balance out, they had to. “I’m really glad you’re safe.” she mumbled against his chest. Steve flinched, just barely, when Sadie launched herself at him, expecting her to lash out. What he received was much better, and he relaxed a second later, easing his arms around her in return. This, Steve thought, was why he worried about letting children on the front lines like they wanted to be. They were so young, so scared, and if he couldn't protect them, who would? His heart swelled with love and pride as he held on, smoothing a hand over Sadie's hair gently. "Me too. I wouldn't go anywhere without saying good bye first." At least not without trying to say good bye first. "It'll take more than some dark elves from Svartalfheim to take me down." Though he was trying to keep it light-hearted, Steve wasn't sure it was working too well. It was easy -- too easy -- for someone like him to get in over his head. "I'm glad you're safe too. I was worried about you." The sound that made it out of Sadie was almost like a laugh, short and labored and quick as it left her lungs. It was almost funny, in a weird, sad way. Or maybe it wasn’t at all but Sadie was really glad to see him safe. Even if he always did come back there might be one day where Steve would be like everyone else. And Sadie wouldn’t even be able to visit him in the underworld here. “Yeah, well, Snuffleheim sounds like a stupid place anyway.” she muttered into his shirt. Sniffling softly, Sadie pressed her cheek against his shoulder and just held on. It was nice, comforting. Like when she would get scared and gramps would come and check on her. Now it was Bast, but cats cuddled selectively and that was okay. “You didn't have to worry.” Sadie cast her eyes up at him without moving. “I’ve been in way worse trouble. And Bast would never let anything happen to me.” Steve chuckled. "Yeah, I thought it sounded stupid too." It wasn't a place Steve had any desire to visit. Not now, not ever. Hopefully there'd be no reason to worry about that now. "I know she wouldn't," he admitted, "but that doesn't mean I don't worry about you anyway. I love you, Sadie. I'm always going to worry about you. Even if this is the worst it ever gets, I'm always going to worry." No one had ever accused Steve of not being earnest, so he hoped Sadie believed him, because he meant every word. She was like a daughter to him, and the fear he'd felt when she'd gotten injured had pierced his heart like a hot knife. "You know that." “I love you too.” Sadie said softly as she squeezed him again. While she didn’t remember growing up with her parents at all, Sadie had her grandparents for most of her life. Honestly she was probably better off than Carter was with dad, no matter how jealous she had been that dad had took Carter instead of her. Gram and Gramps had always been there, always loved her. And she missed that. Sometimes she missed them more than she missed her parents because, well, in a lot of ways they were her parents. Pulling back she rubbed her hand against her face for a moment. “You made waffles.” she said, fully aware she was stating the obvious. But he had come here and made her waffles and that meant a lot more than she could really say. "I sure did," Steve answered, a smile on his face - mostly from Sadie telling him she loved him, truthfully. "They're not as good as from the truck, but..." He looked hopeful as he spoke to her. He couldn't recreate what they loved, but he hoped it was good enough. He'd wanted to make her feel better, and wanted to make her feel loved when he knew she was feeling down. "But I thought you might be hungry. And if you don't eat up soon, they'll be cold." Sadie smiled just a little bit as she pulled the plate back into her lap. “Usually all Bast makes is grilled cheese sandwiches.” Which were fine when there was nothing else to eat, but Sadie had been making food for herself pretty much entirely since the whole oh by the way you and your brother are magicians and possessed by gods thing started. Outside of the cheese sandwiches Bast summoned and occasionally whatever Uncle Amos made. It was nice to have someone else actually think to do that for her. “So. Did you get to go on your date?” |