Rachel Barbra Berry (liljewprincess) wrote in thedoorway, @ 2013-11-05 04:16:00 |
|
|||
Entry tags: | !log, !trigger warning, rachel berry, santana lopez |
Log: Pezberry's First Actual Date
Who: Santana Lopez & Rachel Berry
When: 11/05/13
Where: a local greasy spoon/Rachel’s apartment
What: a first date for the new couple
Warnings: There might be some triggery stuff, I am sorry about that….. I work so hard to stay away from trigger warnings--J
Rachel was nervous. She had planned for them to go to this little place she liked, it was a completely a greasy dive, but the atmosphere was great, and the food was to die for. Rachel just hoped that Santana would like it. Rachel… she didn’t think that she had to put on airs for Santana, and try to impress her by taking her to a place like Sardi’s, she wanted to take her to a place where the food was just as good and the place wasn’t trying to be super classy. Not to mention, they served a lot of good stuff here. Burgers, fries, spaghetti and meatballs, breakfast all day, it was going to be a good place.
She had told the Latina to meet her at her apartment at seven, they had a table set aside for them for eight. They normally didn’t do that, but since it was Rachel’s first date, they were making an exception. They had gotten to know Rachel, and had been begging her to bring her new young woman in for them to meet. Rachel was jittery enough, but she had agreed, because she knew that they wouldn’t embarrass her.
She took a few hours to get ready, mostly because she wanted to enjoy getting ready, not that she was “ugly” and needed it. She took a long hot bubble bath, finished up some homework, and then got dressed. She wore a short plaid miniskirt, and leggings underneath. She had paired it with a black silk blouse, that was only fancy because of what she had paired with it, and tied it at her midriff, unbuttoning a little so you could see the soft red cami she wore underneath. The plaid was red and green, with some gray thrown in. She added a pair of tiny high heeled boots, and then set to work on her hair.
Once it was perfectly styled, with just a little bit of mousse to give it body, she put a small clip on the right side to help keep it back and let the rest fall down her back. Now she just had to wait for Santana. Her girlfriend.
Santana prepared like it was any other day. She looked at the clothes selection on the floor and thanked her former self for having the courage to work at that crappy coffee place long enough to get enough good pieces of a wardrobe. It wasn’t anything she was used to - but she’d make it work. She took a quick shower, using her favorite bath soap that smelled like cherry blossoms. It was a scent she had fallen in love with in her New York and she was glad to find something similar to it here.
She tied her hair back in pigtails, going for the cute, innocent look. It was designed to confuse those who didn’t know her - and sometimes those who did. She put on a tight black pencil skirt and paired it with a green satin blouse. She slipped into some strappy black wedges that had fake jade accents and grabbed a stylish black sweater poncho. She was well aware that the temperature could drop. Her feet, she could sacrifice - her body she would not.
Santana made her way to Rachel’s apartment. Her stomach had slight butterflies. It wasn’t as bad as when she had been hiding who she had been from everyone back in Lima, but still she was nervous. She hoped that Rachel hadn’t overdone herself, as she had told her multiple times not to. Smiling, Santana wondered what Rachel did have planned - especially after reading all of her books. Books she thought. She did have to give the girl credit - she had thrown herself into it.
Reaching Rachel’s apartment, Santana used her phone to make sure everything looked good before slipping it back into her wristlet. She knocked on the door and took a step back, waiting for Rachel. Her girlfriend.
Rachel jumped out of her skin when the door sounded with a knock. She was hoping that this was going to go well. She went to the door, and opened it. “Hi, Santana.” She said, her breath sharp when she saw what Santana was wearing. She looked beautiful. Rachel wasn’t sure how she was going to make it through the night without sounding like a nerd or something. But she had always been one inside.
Stepping out of her apartment, she closed the door behind her. “I’d ask you in, but I’m planning on us ending up here.” She said, her blush covering her face. Rachel added, “I have a reservation at this place, but we have to take a subway.” Rachel reached down, and took her hand, lacing her fingers through Santana’s. She still couldn’t believe this was happening. It was going to be a lot of fun.
“Are you ready to go?” She asked, lifting her brown eyes to Santana’s.
“It’s all good, Berry” Santana said, looking down at their hands interlaced. “I’m at your mercy. You’re the boss here” she said slightly deviously. She looked into Rachel’s brown eyes and smiled. “I can’t wait to see what you’ve picked out for us tonight. And I’m fine with the subway as long as no one tries to grope me” she said with a smile.
“And you look great” Santana said. “I like the skirt the best.”
Rachel said, “No one will try and grope you, I promise. I brought mace.” Rachel liked to be prepared, New York City was great, but she wanted to make sure that she was always prepared, like a Girl Scout. She led them to the elevator, so they could go down to the ground floor. It wasn’t that long a trip, and Rachel felt the floor of the building coming up to meet them much faster than she had thought.
“Let’s go.” She said, leading them outside. Rachel still couldn’t believe that Santana was her girlfriend. This was very good, a very good development indeed.
Santana smirked when Rachel said that she had brought mace. Multiple scenarios leapt into her mind - Rachel spraying it the wrong way, into her face. Or spraying it in the subway and causing those in the subway car to also get the chemical substance. “Thanks for bringing it Rachel. I’m sure we won’t need it” she said a matter of factly as she was lead outside.
“So, what do you have planned for us and please don’t say breaking out into a montage of traveling songs while we get to where we are going ” Santana said smiling. As they walked outside, Santana admired Rachel from head to toe.
That made Rachel laugh, really laugh. There was something about Santana that could do that. She wasn’t one to be quick with the jokes. She supposed it was a skill to cultivate, since she could use it one day in her acting, but Rachel hadn’t ever really considered being a comedic actress. She was more into musicals, although most of them were sunny and happy. Rachel was clearly going about this all wrong.
“I have a dinner reservation at this place I’ve been frequenting. The owners keep insisting that I bring you so they can meet you.” Rachel told her, her hair falling over her shoulder as they headed for the subway. Rachel was touched that they cared that much, really. It was still something that she was adjusting to, being in a lesbian relationship. She had been raised by two gay men, though, so she didn’t have the same feelings that some people might have when they first came out though.
“I hope you’ll like them, I know they’ll like you.”
“Wait, what?” Santana said surprised. Santana hadn’t been expecting to have been caught at a disadvantage to her so soon. Not to Berry. “What do you mean? What did you tell them about me? About us?” Santana asked questioningly, her eyes revealing her to be slightly confused and surprised.
Rachel looked at her, trying to decide if she was upset or not. “Nothing bad, Santana. I just… I’ve gotten to know them since I’ve been here. It’s nice, to have someone who doesn’t know me well to talk to. It’s good for a new perspective.” She wondered when Santana was going to stop being so paranoid and defensive. “Are you concerned?”
“What if they were stalkers, Rachel?” Santana said, still a bit concerned. “You don’t go and make friends with everyone, do you? I mean, they do watch the tv show I imagine and already know us” Santana said. She was about to keep going on that roll, but slowed herself down. She was overreacting. Everyone knew who they were or at least might know who they were.
“I’m sorry” Santana said “And you might not hear those two words together again for awhile. It’s not often I say that - it’s just, I usually know what I’m leaping into before I leap. You caught me off guard.”
“Relax, Santana, I know that there are people in this world who know who we are. I just made friends.” She was surprised when Santana apologized, because she knew it wasn’t often that she did. Rachel wasn’t really sure what to say to the rest of it. She didn’t know how she was going to adjust to having people know who she was. As someone who was trying to be an actress, she couldn’t see it as anything but good.
“You have to stop being so paranoid.”
Santana bowed her head a bit and was quiet for a few minutes as they made their way to the subway station. She wasn’t sure how to explain it to Rachel. She would look up and catch her brown eyes and then look back down.
“Rachel” she said with a more formal tone then she’d been using. “I’ve been raised to be like that. Not only that, but was even trained to be paranoid by Coac… by Sue. Being in the Cheerios is like The Hunger Games, just without death. Knowledge is power. And I used to be the one to swing the big hammer. It’s just” she said, pausing to look at Rachel.
“I’ll work on it” she said, slipping her metrocard through the turnstile and stepping through before Rachel. She turned and looked back at Rachel on the other side of the turnstile and held out her hand, waiting for Rachel to join her on the other side.
That was all she could ask, she supposed. Rachel went with her, mulling over what she had said in her mind. Rachel didn’t really know how someone could be so defensive all the time. She thought maybe she was too trusting sometimes, but she didn’t know any other way to be. Not to mention, people were too non trusting these days. Rachel didn’t want to end up one of those cat ladies who wrote angry letters to the government.
“Good, that’s all I can ask, I suppose.” She said, as they got on the subway.
The doors closed behind them and the subway rumbled on its way. Santana was not happy. She crossed her arms defensively. She had already ruined everything and they hadn’t even gotten to the restaurant. A new record, her inner self mocked at her. But she was determined not to let this affect things for the long term - and maybe even the short term. She put a smile on her face and looked at Rachel.
“So, these owners… do they give discounts and are there breadsticks?”
“There are breadsticks, although not like Breadstix.” Rachel said, laughing. She could tell Santana thought she had messed this up, but she wasn’t offended by their conversation. She eased Santana’s arms apart, and laced one of hers through Santana’s. “It’s okay… you didn’t mess anything up.” She cooed softly.
“Ugh” Santana said. “I’ll never find the perfect breadsticks here” she said, relaxing herself now that Rachel had told her she hadn’t messed anything up. “I’m glad you’re in charge this time. Our girls night out… that was exhausting to plan” Santana said. “But worth it” she said with a smile.
Rachel laughed again. “It’s okay…. I didn’t have to think about this, and I am excellent at planning.” She always had been, and it was going to be quite useful in her career. She was glad that Santana seemed to like it, Finn had always found it exhausting about her. Rachel bit her lip as she thought of him, and tried to think of something else, this was a happy occasion.
“I’ll take you planning things out. I could get used to that” Santana said, as the train came to a screeching halt. “Except for certain things. Then you’ll have to prove yourself” Santana said, a devious smile coming across her face.
“So, when do we get off of this hunk of junk and get to the food?”
“Not long now.” Rachel said, when the shadow had left her face. She was almost glad Santana hadn’t noticed it. She didn’t want to discuss it, really. Nothing was going to change how she felt, and it was still so sad and senseless. Plus, it was really depressing and they were on a date. Rachel was itching to find out what a real date with Santana Lopez was like.
“Only one more stop.”
“Good” Santana said, her eyes focused on Rachel. “Because I’m like the Hulk. He’s the green guy with purple shorts, right?” she said, more than asked. “When I don’t get food, I become hangry. Hungry and angry. And you won’t like me when I’m hangry” Santana said.
Her hand moved and brushed a stray piece of hair out of Rachel’s face. “Riddle me this” she said, looking down at Rachel “how has all of your studying been going?”
Rachel looked at her, her skin alighting fire when the other girl’s hand touched her. “Good.” She said, ignoring what Santana had said about the Hulk. She couldn’t help it, she could see the forest for the trees. “I’ve been reading a lot of good stuff, the internet is a very good resource, once you weed out the ineffective information.”
“I still don’t get how you learn certain things with a book. I mean, even the kama sutra is boring, even the illustrations aren’t that good” Santana said, watching Rachel as she talked.
“The internet sure does have some good stuff on it. I learned a lot from that. And from others” Santana said. “But first, food.” Santana said, her mind laser focused on eating something beyond the bland oatmeal she had in the morning.
“You just have to see the worth in the kama sutra.” Rachel said. “But to be fair, it’s mostly for straight people.” She said. She really thought that it wasn’t fair that most of western propaganda was still so influenced by heterosexuals. Especially women's magazines. She didn’t think it was fair that most of the articles were aimed at straight women. Rachel thought that the LGBTQ community ought to be considered in things like that, especially national publications. She had always felt like that though, since she had been raised by two gay men.
“I am hungry, too, but don’t worry, we’re almost at the stop.”
“I tried to see the worth in it, but meh” Santana said, stealing something she heard Sam and Artie use before. “I’ll take good ‘ol internet pictures. It’s fascinating, some of the stuff you find” Santana said, her hand finding Rachels and holding it gently. “I hope this place is worth the trip. I think that guy over there is eyeing me” she said, nodding to a man who looked asleep on the bench.
“This may be a nerd thing to say, but they just need to make those transporters from Star Trek. Eliminate the whole subway thing.” Santana said. “And don’t tell anyone I talked Star Trek. Not even Trouty Mouth knows about that.”
That made her laugh again. She had never laughed so much in her life, lately. Rachel stood, as the train came to a stop. “Here we are.” She said, waiting until the doors opened and some of the people had started to depart before she led her off the train. Rachel wondered if she could ever see the merits in Star Trek, but she wasn’t a science fiction kind of person. That’s why she thought it was really funny that she had been pulled here, and surrounded by so many superheroes.
She started up the steps, still holding onto Santana’s hand. “I love the subway, it’s so New York.” She commented. Rachel liked that there was so many choices for public transportation here. It was also very eco friendly. “We aren’t far, it’s just down the block.”
“Finally” Santana said, relieved. “I am much more an above ground kind of girl. I don’t like enclosed spaces” Santana said off-handedly before she realized she had said it. Santana held onto Rachel’s hand as they went down the block. Santana hadn’t been on this side of town before, and she began to realize that she was very much out of her element.
“I hope it’s good” she said. “Because I’m about to go all green and half naked with my hangry self.”
Rachel grinned, and tucked her hair behind her ear. “You will be able to eat soon, although, I would be lying if I said I didn’t want to see you half naked.” That was more flirty than she tended to get, and she almost blushed, but she was a grown woman now, and she could be as flirty as she wanted. It was still kind of freeing, if she didn’t have to think too much about it, it was still a lot upsetting to her that she was never going to be with Finn again, no matter what Kurt said.
Coming upon the little diner, she opened the door for Santana and waited for her to step in before she did so. The Italian couple who ran the place had set aside a table for them, and Rachel led her to it. It had a very fifties vibe, and that was about the last time it had been seriously decorated. Rachel loved it, though. The decor was faded red, black, and chrome, and there were a lot of Coke signs.
“I love it here, and the food is better than it looks in here.”
Santana had a relaxed smile on her face as they finally came upon the small diner. She dug places like this, the quaint, small places. So much character and charm and sometimes the best food that could touch your lips.
“I like it, Berry” said Santana. As Rachel sat, Santana whispered into her ear “Only half naked?” she said with a devilish smile. She moved around the table and sat across from Rachel, a small candle flickering between them and the obligatory condiments in the middle of the table.
“So, what do you recommend here?” she asked, looking up at Rachel.
“Well, I like the spaghetti and meatballs, but the chili cheese fries are to die for.” Rachel longed to bring Finn here, he had had one of the best appetites she had ever seen. There she went, thinking of Finn again, and she didn’t want to. She was on a date, with an amazingly beautiful woman, and she wanted to really be able to focus on her. Rachel was glad that she was here with her. She wanted to be able to think of Finn, but not now, while she was here.
Rachel ran her hand through Santana’s on the table, taking her hand. Lacing her fingers through the Latina’s. The Jewish girl had never thought that she would be here with a woman, not really, but if she had, she would have thought it would be Quinn. Rachel wasn’t sure what had happened with them, but something had. Rachel looked at Santana.
“I am really glad you wanted to be girlfriends.” She said, trying not to focus on what Santana had said about half-naked her, because she’d never get through dinner. “I… I didn’t see this coming, but I am glad that it did. I’m…. I’m even glad it’s you that’s been there for me through Fi… well, you know.”
Santana listened first to the recommendations and her eyes scanned the menu at the same time. She felt Rachel take her hand and her first instinct was to pull it away, but then she stopped herself. They weren’t in Lima. They weren’t hiding - she wasn’t hiding anymore. She relaxed and smiled. Rachel’s hand was warm and it felt good to simply connect with someone through holding hands.
She did notice though, that Rachel’s eyes shifted occasionally. What is she thinking about Santana thought to herself. And as she stole glances of Rachel, she knew even as the words tumbled out of her mouth. The 6000 pound Frankenteen in the room. Santana wasn’t mad about it - Rachel was the hardest hit by Finn’s death. It was understandable she’d bring him up.
Santana put her menu down and placed her other hand on top of Rachel’s. “I’m glad it did too. Although I’m still surprised it did. Happily. And we stick together. We lift each other up when the other is down. That’s how relationships work” Santana said, smiling and radiating warmth.
The waiter approached and set down a little basket of fresh baked rolls. “Are you ladies ready” he said, looking to Rachel first.
Rachel didn’t know if Santana was ready, but she was. She looked at the waiter. “I want the chili cheese fries, please, and a cheeseburger.” Rachel stopped herself from getting bacon, she didn’t eat kosher all the time, but she decided that today would be a good day to stick to her Jewish dietary staples. She picked up a roll to cut in half and spread butter on while she waited for Santana to give her order and the waiter to leave before she commented on what Santana had said.
Santana looked at the waiter and smiled. “I’ll have garlic knots, chili cheese fries with extra cheese and penne alla vodka with chicken” she said.
“I am worried that you’ll… feel insecure about how I feel because…. because of F.. you know.” It was hard to even say his name right now, and Rachel was doing her best to just stay calm even at the mention of his name. It was going to be awhile before she was truly doing okay, but Rachel figured that was par for the course when you lost someone, especially when Finn meant to her what he had meant to her. “I really thought… I really thought that he and I would get married one day.” Rachel said.
“But I’m glad that I’m with you… I was getting feelings for you even before I found out about… and I still want to be with you no matter what.”
Santana nodded as Rachel spoke to her. Yup, it was the Frankenteen she thought to herself. Not that Santana could do anything about it. It was there, it was going to be there and she would have to move on. As would Rachel.
“If there’s something I’m not, it’s insecure. I know how you feel about him. I get it. I understand. Hell, Britt and I were together for years - even if we weren’t truly together” Santana said, thinking back to her time with Britt at McKinley. “And I’m sorry that your marriage dreams are gone - with him, at least.”
She nodded to herself. “I’m glad you still want to be with me. I’m glad for that and for you” Santana said as she took up her knife and started buttering her bread.
It wasn’t really fair of her to compare the two of them in her head, Rachel knew that. Not to mention, Finn was gone, and he wasn’t coming back. Despite what Kurt said about him possibly showing up here. Rachel took a bite of her bread as she looked at her girlfriend. “I know… I know you’re not insecure, but I just want you to know that I care about you, and I am not going to let.. anything change in that regard.”
Rachel didn’t know what to really say about her marriage dreams. She had thought that practically since she had seen him in her first glee rehearsal with him. Rachel knew that most of what she had done to get him was selfish, but at the time, she had had Finn tunnel vision. Rachel supposed that she could have been called crazy, but that was more to do with her drive than her drive for Finn.
“I know… I just, even though we were off again, I always assumed we’d be on again.” She said, her voice shaking just the littlest bit.
Santana’s smile faded slightly - not because of disappointment, but because of sadness for Rachel. She held Rachel’s hands with her own and looked her in the eye. “I know you care about me. And that’s enough. I know this is new and that there is a lot of past history. For you and for me. I get that. And I know what he meant to you. Just…” Santana said, pausing, searching. “I don’t know, Berry. I don’t know how to help you get through this beyond what I can actually do. And we’re not going to Eternal Sunshine him out of your head either. I just want you to be happy” she finally said.
Rachel kept her eyes on Santana as she took a bite of her bread. “I know…. I get what you’re saying. I just… when you’re with someone for so long, and you’re engaged, it’s really hard to shake the feelings you have. I’ll probably never stop loving him, especially since he’s gone and we’ll never get closure, but I… I am ready to be with you.” She ran her hand along her brown hair. “I really think that I can fall for you, I mean, really fall.”
All of this being with a female was new to her, but Rachel was definitely willing to learn.
“Like a rabbit down a hole, Berry” Santana said with a devilish grin. “Once you fall, you may not be able to get out. Look what happened to Britt, she started dating Trouty Mouth” Santana said, laughing. Santana popped some bread in her mouth and was glad that she had something in her stomach.
Rachel laughed too. “I know… I’m… I can’t believe that she was dating him.” Rachel said, she had never thought that that would happen in a million years. She was wondering what was going on with Brittany since she was here. She had been quiet as of late. “I hope Brittany’s okay, she’s been quiet, and I don’t know how she’s been adjusting.”
Santana smiled at Rachel. Finally someone who at least understood that relationship for the craziness that it was. “She seems ok. She’s got a lot of stuff going on, I guess. With her math and equations and stuff.” Even Santana had been worried about Brittany, but upon arriving here, the two friends hadn’t really connected - which was ok with Santana, after having the break up and moving on from her.
“How did you find this place?” Santana asked, finishing her roll and sipping some water.
“I was checking places that I could go to that were close to school.” Rachel said. “I was also trying to see if I wanted to wait tables, you know, for extra cash.” She said. Rachel hadn’t found anywhere until she’d gotten her job on campus. “I fell in love with this place as soon as I saw it.” She said, picking up another piece of bread. It was heavenly, and smelled just as good as it tasted.
She looked at Santana. “I understand if you two really haven’t reconnected, since it’s been awhile since you broke up.” Rachel didn’t have the same memories that Santana did, but she still knew that it had been hard for her to break up with Brittany. She didn’t know if she would ever not feel a little jealous of the blonde, for having had Santana for so long, but she really had to get out of that headspace, because she had her now.
“She’s doing her thing, I’m doing mine. We talk, but it’s not the same. I doubt it ever will be” Santana said bluntly. “Brittana is done” she said matter of factly. Switching subjects back to the restaurant, she looked at Rachel. “You know waitress’s here at this kind of restaurant don’t make any money, right? You have to do the chef restaurants with the celebrity chef - or work for a breastaraunt to make decent cash” Santana said.
As she finished saying that, the waiter brought out their food, laying it out in front of them. Santana’s eyes lit up at the arrangement of food and licked her lips. It was going to be good eating today.
Rachel picked up her Coke and took a sip before she delved into her fries. She shook her head when Santana mentioned about not making any money. She had never thought of working at a place like Hooters, which was what she knew Santana meant. “I could never work for a place like that.” She said, when she was finished chewing. “Mostly because I just… I never really saw myself as sexy, not until..” She paused, she knew that Santana got what she meant.
“And even with Brody’s faults, he made me feel sexy, too.”
Santana smiled. “You were sexy when we were doing the Madonna day. Remember that?” Santana teased. “Rocking those shiny corsets. We were smoking. Even if I was on backup that day” she said, as she put a few chili cheese friends in her mouth. “And I will make you feel sexier than ever, babe.”
Santana ate a bit, watching Rachel with quick glances. She wasn’t sure how Rachel felt about people watching her eat. Santana didn’t care and ate how she normally ate. During a break between her fries and pasta, Santana paused. “I’d work at a breastaraunt. It’s not all about the boobs anyway, Berry. But the money is hot. All you have to do is work it” she said with a nod of her head.
Rachel knew that she could if she really had to, she just wasn’t used to thinking of herself that way. But she was a grown woman now, and she supposed she had it in her. After taking a big bite of her cheeseburger, she looked at Santana. “I was sexy when we were doing Madonna?” She asked, a smile spreading over her face. She had to admit, that had been a lot of fun. That was around the time Jesse had been sniffing around. She had really loved him, too.
“I don’t know, I would if I had to, I imagine.” A blush covered her face when Santana mentioned that she would make her feel sexy. “I am sure you will.” She said, her voice husky.
Santana kept eating, though she’d let her foot wander and find it’s way to Rachel’s. As she did it, she kept a straight face, as if it wasn’t her leg or foot on Rachel’s. The food was good, hearty food. This would keep her full for awhile. She was happy to now have a job so she wouldn’t have to eat Ramen and Mac -n- Cheese daily, or stretch a can of soup.
Talk ceased as both kept eating until finally, Santana pushed her plate toward the center. “So good, I think I’ll have it for breakfast tomorrow” she said. “Although I think I still have room for dessert” she said, grinning at Rachel.
Rachel blushed as red as a tomato. She didn’t know how Santana could flirt so easily, she still had a bit of embarrassment when it came to things like that, but she had to get out of that headspace, too. She moved her foot against the other girl’s, running it up her calf. “I told you, it’s really good. I would eat here every day, if it weren’t for how greasy the food can be.” She said, laughing a little.
All the while, her foot kept up what she was doing. She had learned a thing or two being with Brody, and all her research on lesbian sex was going to serve her well, too.
“Excuse me for a moment, babe” Santana said in a relaxed tone. She got up and slowly walked away from the table, eyeing Rachel for a while before disappearing down the small hallway where the bathroom was. After taking a few moments, she emerged from the ladies room. Catching the eye of their waiter, she slipped him her credit card. Berry might be many things, but she wasn’t going to get away with everything. After the card had been run, signed and an appropriate tip had been given - and a veiled threat of violence if the waiter came back to the table, Santana went and sat back down.
“I’m glad you brought me here. We’ll have to come again” she said, still tasting the vodka sauce in her mouth. “So, now what, Berry? I’m all yours” she said, using her best non-domineering voice.
Rachel bit her lip, wondering where Santana had gone. She was also wondering where the bill was, but she was sure that that was what she was doing. The Latina could be very stubborn, and Rachel wasn’t going to try and argue with her. “Well…. I was thinking, we could go back to my apartment…. I got some.. well, movies.” She said, her face blushing a little. Rachel hadn’t felt nervous or shy going to get them, though, that was progress.
“Unless you had other ideas?”
Santana stood up, smoothing her skirt out and offering her hand to Rachel. “I can’t wait to see what you got” she said, smiling. This was going to be fun. Rachel Berry and evaluating her porn stash. “Come with me if you want to live” she said in a mock Arnold Schwarzenegger voice. “And remember, I’ll go where you want me to Berry. I’m on your speed.”
Rachel nodded. She was ready, though, she was getting moist just thinking about it. She stood, and took Santana’s hand. “I know… but I think I’m ready.” She said, her free hand ghosting over Santana’s ass, and grinning. “I want to see what you’re made of.” She teased.
After braving the subway yet again and getting back to Potts Tower, Santana followed Rachel up to her apartment - a two bedroom that Rachel shared with no one, as of now. Santana was glad they weren’t going back to her place - it was a mess and things were thrown all over. She smiled, going into Rachel’s place and promptly taking off her sweater poncho. She turned and looked at Rachel. “I’m all yours, Berry. Do with me as you please” she said, almost daring Rachel to do something.
Licking her lips, Rachel took off her coat, and hung it up on the coat rack. She didn’t really know how to start, it was going to be a little bit of nervousness for her in the beginning. She stepped forward, slipping her boots off her feet. She was much shorter without them, but she knew that she couldn’t deal with that now.
Standing up next to Santana, she pressed her lips to the Latina’s.
Santana embraced Rachel as their lips met, her arms pulling Rachel toward her gently. The kissing continued for moments. Santana wasn’t sure how long, but when they pulled apart, Santana gently pushed Rachel away so she could take off her shoes. She didn’t want to make it too hard on Rachel.
“Mmm, delicious” Santana said, eyeing her shorter girlfriend. “I knew dessert would be good..”
Laughing, Rachel kissed her. When she pulled away, she said, “I got some ice cream and hot fudge…..” She wondered if that was too kinky, but compared to some of the stuff she had read and seen, it was pretty tame. Rachel took off her top, dropping it to the floor. She had on a black lace bra, which was as frilly as she usually got.
“What do you think?”
“I like it. Candy is always best out of its wrapper” Santana said. That didn’t really work, but she didn’t care. Rachel was nearly bare and standing in front of her. If Santana had been evil, things would be different at this point. However, she was good - or relatively good. “Let’s save that for later. I’m still full from the food. But I am intrigued in seeing the stuff you got from the store. Show it to me” she said a little bit too forcefully. Now that Santana’s poncho had come off, she looked like a strict librarian. She’d let Rachel unwrap her. It’d be good for her to do, she thought to herself.
The sex was amazing, but towards the end of it was when Rachel started to freak out, because all she could think of was Finn, and how the last person she'd slept with was him. Rachel couldn't handle that.
Rachel’s eyes brushed with tears as Santana moved over her, she was thinking of Finn now, and she couldn’t stop. He would probably think this was hot, even if he was hurt that it was happening. Although, she knew that he had wanted her to be happy, ultimately. Rachel couldn’t stop herself, even as she trembled.
Rachel pulled away, curling in a ball on the couch. She didn’t want to talk about it, but she knew that she was going to have to. She buried her face in the couch and shook with sobs, wishing she could see Finn again, just one more time, to apologize for what she had done.
Santana pulled back from Rachel, covering her mouth with her hand. What had she done, she thought to herself. She kneeled on the floor in front of the sofa. “Rachel” she said, barely above a whisper. Her mind raced, wondering what had happened and what she had done. “Rachel, please” Santana said, exposed next to the sofa.
“It’s…. it’s not your fault.” She managed to gasp, running her hand over her hair. She didn’t think she could say anything else, she was too busy consumed with thoughts of Finn. It really wasn’t fair that she was never going to see him again, let alone sleep with him. She was consumed with the thought that the last time she’d had an orgasm, he’d been the cause.
Santana looked down, her hand still covering her face. Her eyes began to well up and she stood, grabbing her clothes and putting on her bra and underwear. “Maybe you weren’t ready” she said looking down, quietly. “I’m sorry, Rachel” she said, unsure if she should stay or run, feeling embarrassed and slightly betrayed.
“It’s no… please, don’t leave.” Rachel said, practically keening she was so upset. She couldn’t do this without her. She wouldn’t make it. She pulled her own bra and underwear on, and tried to stop crying. “I was…. I didn’t know I wasn’t ready….”
Santana stopped, her shirt and skirt still in her hands. “I thought you were going to be honest with me Rachel. I told you” she said with a slight exasperated tone. “I told you that we would go at your speed. And even though you say it’s not me, I did something to you and now you’re a mess. And not in a good way..” There was pain behind Santana’s eyes as she looked at Rachel. “What do you want me to do, Berry? You just gave me one hell of a time and now…. now I don’t even know what’s going on” Santana said.
“I’m….. I’m upset… I thought I was ready….I really did.” She said, wiping her eyes. “You didn’t do anything to me….. I…. I just thought about the last time I had an orgasm….” Rachel said, hiccuping. I’m so sorry…. please, it’s not your fault, I swear.” Rachel said, running her hand in her hair and reaching out for her. “Please…. I can’t…. I can’t bear it if you leave….”
Santana sat down next to Rachel and put her arm around her. She had been stupid, thinking that Rachel had been ready. She should have known. She shouldn’t have taken advantage of her. Santana pulled Rachel close and held her.
“I’ve never had anyone cry after I got through with them” Santana whispered. “You scared me, Berry. And I’m sorry. I should have waited with you. The last thing I would want to do is hurt you…” she said, her voice trailing off.
“Kurt….. he…. he said…. he said that this was wrong…..” Rachel said, barely coherent as she held onto her. “He….. he might have been right….. but…. but if he was, it’s all my fault…..” Rachel was hiccuping again, as she buried her face in Santana’s neck.
Santana hugged Rachel although she felt awkward. After everything they had just done together, for Rachel to have spiraled liked this, Santana couldn’t help but to believe she had contributed to this and she placed the blame at her own feet. “No babe, it was mine. I should have realized. It’s not your fault. And even if Lady Hummel is right, it doesn’t matter now. It’s done and over with” Santana said softly. Santana stroked Rachel’s hair and gently rubbed her back, hoping she would calm down a little before making herself sick.
Rachel couldn’t calm down, and she knew that Kurt had been right, and it was time to let go. She pulled away, and ran for the bathroom, and sat down by the toilet. She didn’t get sick, but she was looking gaunt and red rimmed by her eyes. “I don’t…… I don’t know what to do…..”
Santana followed her over there, praying to God silently for guidance. She shook her head and set down across from Rachel on the bathroom floor. She looked down at her feet. “Do you…” she said, pausing. “Do you not want to be with me? Do you need time away from me?” Santana asked quietly, not looking Rachel in the face.
Rachel wished she could say that she wanted to say no, she didn’t. She really did, with all of her heart. “I…. I don’t know.” She finally said, her voice small. “I….. miss him.” She said, her voice cracking, trying to forget what Kurt had said.
Santana crossed her arms. After a great time out and then coming back to Rachel’s, Santana’s mind was all over the place. All she could do was look up at Rachel and say “I know”. She didn’t know what was happening. Everything had spiraled so fast out of control and it left Santana feeling like she was grasping for a foothold, something, to stop this free fall. “Do you… let me get you cleaned up and into bed” Santana said.
“No….. I….. I’ve hurt you enough….. go.” Rachel didn’t want to be saying those words to her, she wanted to be saying, no I need you, stay. She let out a deep breath, as a tear fell down her face. “I’m……. go home.”
Santana stood. Tears welling in her eyes, she looked down at Rachel. “Please” was all she could muster. She held out her hand to Rachel, mentally willing the girl to take it.
“Santana….. I want to, but….. I have to pull away right now…… I can’t….. please, I don’t want to hurt you, Kurt was right.” Woah, that was a heavy sentence.
Santana took her arm back as she look at Rachel sitting on the floor. So vulnerable, so exposed. “Fine, whatever” Santana said in a hurt way, as tears slowly started rolling down her cheeks. “I understand” she said as she left the bathroom. She didn’t even bother to put her clothes back on, she just grabbed the bundle and walked out of Rachel Berry’s apartment. She could have slammed the door - she was that angry and upset. Instead, she closed the door softly. With her clothes in her hands, she ran as quickly as possible to her apartment. Her safe place.
Rachel curled in a ball on the floor. She could have called Kurt, but she didn’t. She needed to do this on her own. She lay there, and talked to Finn.