Veronica Mars (not_betty) wrote in thedoorway, @ 2013-09-22 13:02:00 |
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Entry tags: | !log, sam winchester, veronica mars |
Who: Sam & Veronica
What: Veronica comes home
When: late Saturday night/early Sunday morning
Where: Veronica’s room
Warnings: None
Status: logged, complete
Sam couldn’t explain, even to himself, why he had hesitated to ask Cas to just check in on Veronica. Yes, it would have made him feel better to know that she was safe, and yes, he worried that she might not be pleased that he was spying on her. But it wasn’t that. Because if she was in trouble, she would have been glad for the fact that he’d checked in. But there was a part of him that had not just been indecisive, but had balked at the idea of checking on her. It wasn’t because he wasn’t worried, or didn’t care, or… well, he had made the decision to stay and look after Titan, and wait for her to come back. He could always ask Cas to check on her later, in the morning maybe. When she had officially been gone more than a full day.
It took him a long while, as he was distractedly working on his schoolwork at her table with Titan curled up at his feet, to realize that he might be more afraid that it wasn’t just grief, or some kind of trouble, that was keeping her away this long. That something else was wrong aside from the fact that her friend had left, that there was a reason she hadn’t told him where she was going, and it was something more than just not thinking straight, or having forgotten her phone.
He was afraid that something was wrong with them, although he couldn’t think what it might be. Things weren’t perfect-- their main problem at the moment was that they were both very busy, which left little time just for them, but he’d thought that they were managing anyway. If there was something wrong, it was something he hadn’t noticed, and not knowing the answer to that question bothered him most of all.
Once had had realized what it was that was really bothering him, however, he couldn’t manage to study, not even distractedly. He closed his book and ran his hands over his face before checking the time. Jesus, it was late-- he was exhausted. Veronica, wherever she was, had hopefully found a place to sleep, a motel or something, just as she must have done the night before. It was time for him to get some sleep too, if he could. He had his doubts about whether that would actually turn out to be possible.
But after a brief internal debate, he chose the couch instead of the bed. He didn’t bother to get a blanket or change out of his clothes, just turned off the lights and stretched out on his side, fitting fairly comfortably with his knees slightly folded towards him. Titan immediately followed him, stretching out on the couch beside him so that his head rested against Sam’s chest and his tail thumped a few times against Sam’s knees before going still. Sam scratched the dog’s ears, closed his eyes, and sent one last silent prayer out into the world for Veronica to be safe. Then, breathing deeply, he did his best to relax enough to fall asleep.
Veronica had slept fitfully on the train ride back to New York. She was itchy and uncomfortable from her time on the beach, and she was nervous, even if most of the people on the train were tourists who left her alone. She didn't even have a purse on her, and she looked a mess-not someone that would normally be hassled. The three hours from Montauk to the city were long ones, in more ways than one. It was long after midnight before the train pulled into the station, and Veronica's legs were shaky as she made her way outside and caught a cab. He looked at her strangely, probably worried about her ability to pay the fare, but she left him with an extra tip to make up for the sand she left on his back seat, and walked out of the cab and back into her life at Pott's tower.
Looking up at the tower, Veronica suddenly felt how tired she was. It was stupid and irresponsible of her to just have left without telling anyone where she was going, and she was lucky nothing had happened to her on the beach. She couldn't really properly explain why she felt the need to get away, to be alone with her sadness and her thoughts, but now that she was back in the city, she needed Sam again as strong as ever. The aching feeling, the gnawing lack of him, had been stronger even than her hunger and dehydration. She needed a shower and a change of clothes, but her next stop would be Sam's place. She didn't know how to apologize to him, but she would hopefully make it up to him somehow. She needed him, had always needed him, and running away only confirmed that for her.
She was so exhausted by the time she put her key in the door that she wasn't sure if she would make it all the way to the shower. Much as she wanted to wash away the sand and the salt, she also just wanted to collapse. But her motivation to see Sam was strong, so she had resolved to take a quick shower and get to him before she collapsed when she opened the door to see him sleeping on her couch, Titan curled at his feet. The sight of her sleeping boyfriend, his face twisted in worry, his clothes rumpled, was enough to break her heart. She closed the door softly behind her, and as dirty and tired as she was, she was grateful to be able to pad up to him, curling with his huge frame on her too small couch.
"Tree," she said softly, not sure if she wanted to wake him.
Sam wasn't aware that he'd fallen asleep until he woke to the feeling of Titan's tail thumping against his legs, and then the feeling of someone else-- Veronica-- curling onto the couch with him. He hadn't even heard the door open or close; he must have been more tired than he thought. He felt it now that he was awake, a heaviness in his limbs and eyelids, but his mind was alert enough to process the fact that he wasn't dreaming. She was really here.
Relief flooded him as his arms went around her, and he lowered his head towards hers, ending up with windblown, tangled hair against his face. He didn't care, just inhaled the scent of her skin and shampoo under the salty smell that his sleepy mind couldn't quite identify.
"Cricket," he said just as quietly, lifting a hand to brush her hair back from her face. He wanted to ask if she was okay, but he knew she wasn't; he wanted to ask if they were okay, but he held off on that question for now. Instead, he pulled his hand away and rolled what felt like a few grains of sand between his fingertips for a moment. And then he realized what her hair smelled like: ocean water. "Did you go to the beach?"
Now that Sam was awake, she felt bad about having disturbed him. Of course, she'd disturbed him by leaving in the first place, but that was quite beside the point. He looked so tired, in so many ways, and guilt gnawed at her that she had added to that. He had enough things to worry about, she shouldn't have added to those stresses. She nodded into his chest, turned her face so he couldn't see how tear streaked and dirty it was for her 24 hours in the sand.
"I took the train to Montauk. Well, that's where I ended up, I just kept taking the train and got off at the end." It seemed stupid when she said it out loud, and made it seem even dumber than when she had been sitting on that long train back. "I'm sorry for...well, a lot of things. But mostly for leaving without telling you. I just-I came home and there was all of Mac's things packed up and the note and I needed to be AWAY." She paused, running her hand along the contours of his chest. "It was a lot. I didn't-I just had to be away from New York. And I wanted to be alone. But after being alone, with my thoughts, all I kept thinking about was how much I missed you." She lifted her face so she could see his, momentarily not caring about how terrible she looked. "I was planning on showering before I came to you, sorry. I um...was on the beach the whole time."
Veronica searched his face, trying to see what he was feeling. She hoped he wasn't angry with her, or upset that she hadn't told him. Truthfully, that was the part she felt guiltiest about. She didn't know what had possessed her to leave without telling anyone where she was going, but it seemed so important at the time. Looking into his soft brown eyes, she felt like the smallest person in the world for having worried him, for having caused him any pain. "I know it was selfish of me to run out like that, please forgive me," she said after a beat, a few fresh tears falling down her sandy face.
"I figured that part out," Sam said, fingertips gently running over her tangled hair. He gently worked out one of the looser knots in it, after it started to unravel under his fingertips almost by accident, but left the bigger tangles alone. He pressed a kiss to the top of her head. "I saw the notice, and the boxes. And your phone."
Everything she was saying was answering his question without him having to ask. There was nothing wrong between them. She'd been upset, and she'd acted impulsively, recklessly, not deliberately avoiding him or keeping it from him. "It's okay, cricket. I did worry about you, about whether everything was okay with us, but I think I knew deep down that was irrational. And I was afraid you'd run into trouble, but I figured you could handle yourself." He paused momentarily. "But if you hadn't come back tonight, I was going to send Cas to check on you, just to be sure."
He smiled at her, tiredly but warmly, taking in the sight of her dirt- and tear-streaked face with nothing but affection. Worrying over her hadn't been fun, but he hadn't been angry with her, and he'd been holding off on letting himself feel genuinely hurt until he was sure there was a real problem. Now he knew there wasn't, and he knew she was safe. All was right in his world again, aside from the fact that she was still crying, still a bit of a mess, in more ways than one. Though he really couldn't bring himself to care about the dirt or sand or salt. It gave her a wild look, which might even have suited her if not for the distress written all over her face.
"Hey," he said, pressing a hand to her cheek so that he could wipe her tears away with his thumb. "You came back safe, that's all that really matters. You're allowed to have time and space all to yourself, you know, I'm not that clingy. Just tell me next time you need to run off and bury yourself in the sand, okay? Or tell whoever you end up seeing, just so someone knows where you are." He kissed her forehead, and then wiped a few grains of sand from his lips, but he was still smiling. "Maybe pick someone else to take care of Titan if you can't find me, though-- Jo's pretty terrified of dogs."
She nodded, closing her eyes and pressing her head back into his chest. She liked the feeling of his fingers through her hair, even if she was worried about how awful she must look. She'd avoided reflective surfaces on the train and in the taxi, but that didn't mean she didn't know she looked a sight. She didn't think Sam would stop loving her because she was sandy, but she also preferred looking sexy when she was around him. All the same, his voice and his arms and his lips to her forehead all served to calm her down, make her feel better.
Of course, that was until he said he was worried about THEM. She lifted her head, her face full of concern. "You didn't think...that WE had issues, did you? Shit...Sam, nothing could be farther from the truth. I know I didn't tell you I just...I've fallen apart in front of you so many times. You keep having to see me gone to pieces and I just wanted-to have my time to fall apart alone. But as soon as I'd had a good cry out there, I regretted it. I missed your arms, and how comforting you are. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I-" She paused. Did she want to tell him, looking like she did, after she did what she did, about how much she thought about them getting married? And not really far into the future either. She didn't know if she wanted to say that, and have it sound like something irrational and childish, when she KNEW it, with every fiber in her. She paused. "I'm sorry I made you worry about that, Sam. I was just...messed up. And not thinking."
Of course, she felt terrible when he said that Jo was afraid of dogs. Oh shit, of course...the hellhounds. The way she had died. Veronica colored and groaned. "God, I'm a terrible friend. I wasn't even thinking. I hope you apologized for me, before I do it tomorrow. I would now but...not really feeling like moving from my present position."
"I didn't really believe it," Sam said. He brushed his fingertip along her jaw, and then over her cheek, cleaning some of the sand from her face even as the simple touch reassured him. Even though she was a mess, the sight of her still warmed his heart, still kept drawing his eyes back to her face. "I couldn't think of anything that was wrong. But I'm not immune to irrational fears."
That was probably just because he simply hadn't been in this situation before, so he hadn't realized how he would react. What it would feel like. He gave her a slight smile. "I'm usually the one running off for one reason or another, I don't have quite as much experience with being the one left behind. But it doesn't matter. You had your time alone, and you're back now. I understand why you left, and we're okay, I promise. We're better than just okay."
He didn't know what she had cut herself off from saying, but he felt something-- a sentiment, maybe in her expression or in the air between them. Or maybe it was just that the confirmation that nothing was wrong had relieved his fears, so warmth and affection were welling up inside him to take their place, making his heart swell and ache a little in a very pleasant way. "I love you, even when you're messed up. Even when you're not thinking. Even when you're covered in sand."
Love was not something he'd entered into lightly, and their relationship had been based upon being open about the worst parts of their lives and the way those experiences had twisted them. He knew her flaws and loved her in spite of them, maybe even because of them, though he wanted her to heal from the ones that caused her pain. Knowing that she could
He gave a slight smile. "I didn't, sorry. I just took him off her hands and came up here to see if I could figure out what had happened. She'll be alright, I think she understood that you weren't thinking straight." He'd uncovered enough bare skin of her cheek to see the flush of color in her skin, and his smile widened a little. "I'd rather you didn't move, either-- although if you're uncomfortable enough with all that sand in your clothes, I could probably be convinced to get up and join you in the shower."
Veronica's heart swelled at his words, and she wasn't sure she trusted herself to say anything without blubbering. She didn't want to make what she felt sound any worse by adding too many overly emotional tears to it. If he could see into her mind at that moment, he would see how very much she loved him for being so patient and understanding. She felt selfish for needing that time alone and for not thinking of how much it would hurt others when she did it. Veronica was the kind of person who usually thought carefully about how what she said or did would affect other people. She was one who knew quite well the impact and consequences of actions. And no one knew better than Veronica how painful abandonment felt. Even if they hadn't always left her on purpose, or if their leaving had little to do with her, Veronica knew how much it stung. Even if it was only temporary, that's not how she wanted to make Sam feel, not when he was so important to her. In this world, there was no one else above him. And even back home, she suspected that besides her father, there wasn't anyone else either.
"I'm still sorry to have worried you. To..have just left like that. It was selfish, and I'm really sorry, Sam. I'll make it up to you, I promise. There was a lot of things I thought about though." She left it there, not sure when or how she could tell him what she had been thinking, what she knew even more now that she could look into his eyes and feel his arms around her. But there was a small part of her that worried he would think she was...well, too young and insubstantial to feel such things. It was irrational, perhaps, but it was there. It was enough to keep her quiet about it for the time being.
She nodded and sighed, giving him a small smile. "I'll forgive you for not reading my mind. I'll apologize tomorrow. I um...well, it wasn't good of me to think so little that I completely forgot that Jo was afraid of dogs. I'm usually a better friend than that. Luckily, I think Jo will forgive me almost as easily as you did." She felt her face being cleared by his effort and sighed again. She really did look terrible. "A shower sounds like the best idea. I have a whole day of Montauk in my hair and clothes and probably parts of me that I've forgotten about."
"I've done that myself, you know," Sam said. "Sometimes on purpose, knowing that I'd hurt the people I left behind. And god knows I've made plenty of worse mistakes when I wasn't thinking clearly." He smiled at her, a little sadly at the memory of his own mistakes, but put it aside for the moment. "And Jo really isn't one to talk about dealing with emotions well, either. I mean, aside from the phobia."
He understood that she still felt bad, felt like she had let him down, but she hadn't really. When he'd seen the notice from SHIELD and the boxes of Mac's stuff, and the phone left behind, he really ought to have just known exactly what her motivations were. He had known, really, except he'd also added his own insecurities, which helped nothing. They had gone dormant again, now, and he wasn't worried about any of the things he'd been worried about anymore.
It had been his idea for them to get up and take a shower, but he didn't act on it yet. Instead, he stopped moving his thumb over her cheek and just rested his hand there, leaning in to kiss her properly. Even if her mouth was salty, it still sent the same lovely feeling through his body to touch his mouth to hers. "You know," he said softly when he pulled away enough to speak, voice still almost muffled against her mouth, "I've just realized I could ask if you want to move in together, without feeling like I might be stealing you away from or invading your space with someone else."
Veronica nodded. She knew Sam had done it before, often because he had no choice. That was sort of part and parcel to his life as a Hunter. Veronica didn't have that kind of restriction. She'd never gone anywhere, it was always Veronica being left behind. Perhaps that was what bothered her the most about her reaction. How many times had she silently judged the people in cases where they had just skipped out for a bit, to clear their head, even. It was enough for her to feel guilty about it, that much was clear. Still, somehow it felt worse that she had done it after KNOWING how terrible it felt. But she was only human, and all humans made mistakes, even good people. She thought of herself as a good person, and definitely she was. She was just one who'd been overwhelmed and made a poor choice. It happened. She'd need to forgive herself more easily. "You're right. I just have to remind myself on occasion that I'm not always perfect. Not that I'm ever under any delusions that's the case. But in case I ever DO think so, I can remember times like this. And besides, we're all a little damaged, I'm not one to judge Jo." She smiled a bit easier now, and reached a hand up to stroke his hair. It felt soft in her fingers, probably more pleasant than her own hair at the moment, though she was afraid to touch it herself to be certain.
Whatever she expected Sam to say in that moment, it wasn't quite what came out of his mouth. Even though they had been together for 9 months-ish now, she hadn't dared thought about moving in with him. It was so close to what she wanted, was so MUCH so that she worried it would make her seem over eager. And there was the fact that she DIDN'T want to get in the middle of Sam and Dean. She felt a bit like sometimes the time he spent with her he COULD be spending with his brother and it was bad enough they spent so many nights together, however much she loved each one. She blinked at him, overcome with the emotion of the question, unable to speak less she start crying or doing something else completely ridiculous and girly and probably out of character.
"I'd want that, Sam. If you did," is what she managed to say, though she couldn't hear the sound of her own words over the beating of her heart.
"Nobody's perfect," Sam said, resting his fingertips against her jaw. But even as he said it, he didn't really mean it. Nine months in, he should have been past the phase when he thought she was perfect despite any evidence to the contrary; the honeymoon phase goggles should have gone away by now. Maybe they had, but he still believed in her. Maybe he was just constitutionally incapable of losing faith in people. "But I'm pretty delusional where you're concerned."
He was glad to see her smile, and feel her hands in his hair. His eyes closed halfway, heavy-lidded, but then opened again to try to read her expression. She looked like she was about to cry at his suggestion, and he didn't know if that was just because she was really emotional right now, or because she was upset by it. Probably it had been insensitive of him to ask so soon after she'd lost her roommate, even if he knew she probably didn't want to deal with living alone.
"I mean it. I want you closer. I don't want to make the mistake of thinking that you're busy in your room when you're off somewhere being upset. If we were living together, I'd have found that notice and your phone last night. Maybe I would have even caught you before you left. Or maybe not," he said, shrugging. "I don't think you'll make the same mistake again twice, anyway. But we're already so busy, I don't want to miss out on the things that happen to you, good or bad. I want to come home and find you there, or know that you'll be there as soon as your day is over, even if you come home covered in sand."
That was more than he'd intended to say, but once the thought had occurred to him, he wasn't able to keep it to himself. "And I'm sorry," he said. "I know you just lost your friend. Bad timing." He swallowed, and met her eyes. "Just think about it, okay?"
"You can be as delusional as you like where I'm concerned," she said, a small, dry laugh escaping her lips. No food or water for over a day was going to catch up with her, but at the moment she didn't feel like moving or changing anything about her current position. "You know that I'm always a bit delusional about you too, so I guess the feeling is mutual." She didn't really believe that. She thought the pair of them were honest enough to see each other's faults and love each other because of, not necessarily even despite, those very faults. It was partially why she loved him so much.
Veronica didn't know what to say, except she wanted to stop him from thinking that she was in any way upset. Her chest hurt, she was so happy, like her heart wanted to leap from her body. "Sam, it's not that. It couldn't be farther from why I'm crying. I want nothing more than to live with you, forever, so the tears are just happiness." She hugged him then, realizing she said the word 'forever' and not sure if he got her meaning and not sure if she cared either way. He wanted to live with her. She couldn't think of anything she wanted more.
“I’m glad you think that,” Sam said, amused. Because he didn’t really think it counted as being delusional in the strictest sense, but he just didn’t find her any less perfect for her faults and mistakes. He just didn’t define perfection as being totally flawless, not for people anyway; if there was anything that he still had faith in, it was the goodness of people despite their inherent shortcomings. She was one of the best people he’d ever met in his lifetime, certainly the best for him. No one else had accepted him so completely, so unreservedly, without even faltering when she heard about the things he’d been through and done. She’d stood by him even when he’d hunted again here, with the vampires, even when he hadn’t wanted her to join him. And nothing that she had told him, nor anything she had done since they’d been here, had changed his mind about her either. “I’m pretty happy with my delusions, I don’t plan on letting go of them anytime soon.”
And he hoped she wouldn’t be changing her mind about him, either. He was sure he’d slip up and accidentally give her a reason to think differently of him sooner or later, because he wasn’t perfect either. But hopefully she’d be able to forgive him, because he knew with certainty that it would be an accident. There wasn’t anything he was going to do to ruin this on purpose, and the worst kinds of mistakes-- like the ones that had ruined her relationships in the past-- were ones that he wasn’t going to have any trouble avoiding.
He’d thought that blurting out the request for her to live with him might have been one of those stupid mistakes, but he was wrong. When she explained why she was crying, a slow smile spread across his face. Happy tears were definitely better than the alternative, and he was more than comfortable with that sentiment. “Then we'll make that happen," he said, pleased. "We don't have to figure out all the details right now." He kissed her again, gently, and then rested his forehead against hers. "I love you, cricket. I'm glad you got back safely."
Suddenly the weight of her long day at the beach was enough that it was almost impossible to keep her eyes opened. She felt gritty and uncomfortable, and even though she loved his kisses, she knew she needed a shower and a bed and very soon. She pulled back, stroking Sam's face. "And I love you, tree. But I need a shower and bed, for about a billion reasons. Will you come join me? Then we can sleep. For a long, long time."
Sam chuckled. "Well, I still have to get up at a reasonable hour to get things done tomorrow," he said, "But you can sleep as long as you want. I'll try not to wake you. But right now, I think you have to move before I do."
He was a little hemmed in by both her and Titan, though he really wasn't complaining about that. The warmth and closeness was something he'd gotten used to, although it was still sort of a novelty in a way, since his life had made it impossible for him to take any relationship like this for granted. Just because he wanted the 'forever' that she'd mentioned didn't mean he'd get it, but he was going to enjoy as much of forever as he was going to get.
"I'll join you," he said. "I'll make sure you don't fall asleep in the shower." There was a slightly wicked and amused glint in his eye when he added, "And that you get the sand off of all the parts of you that I haven't forgotten about."