Emma Swan (openbook) wrote in thedoorway, @ 2013-05-30 14:15:00 |
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It was one thing to watch her life unfold on a television screen once a week. Emma's curiosity had only gotten the best of her once or twice - with mixed results - but it was more than enough to stifle any desire to witness more. Waking up with a whole bunch of new memories, on the other hand, that was something altogether different. More memories of Hook and Neal and Regina and mom and dad. Even worse than the new memories were the feelings that went along with them. Even though she'd spoken to Neal on the network, the feeling of having him ripped from her again had left yet another hole in her heart. With Henry gone to play with friends and work over for the day, she was going to have to fill her time with something. Emma preferred not to spend the day wallowing over it, but she had a sneaking suspicion, today was a bust when it came to preferences. At least she could give herself so many errands that she didn't have time to think about it. Typing them up on the tiny keyboard on her phone, however, was more frustrating than anything. Neal had originally told himself he was going to stop watching the show once he knew if his Father was alright or not. That had been enough torture for him and for a couple weeks, he had been perfectly settled to not watch at all. Of course, then came the information about Tamara, and with a compulsive need, he began watching it once again. Unable to speak directly with the woman, to look her in the eye and see if maybe there was another layer he simply didn't know about, he was forced to analyze what he was shown backed against his own memories. He spent so much time going over coffee dates, conversations on the subway, anything he could think of to try and find hints of what he had been blind to all along. Having been in the body of his childhood self the prior week, he had opted to skip viewing as it aired that week, instead watching just before he watched what they advertised as the finale. He couldn't quite place which upset him more. The truth being unveiled for him and millions of others, his childhood playing out before his eyes with every heartbreak once again being displayed, or knowing everyone now potentially knew what he always knew. Well, actually, he knew specifically what upset him the most. Tamara took Henry. That had his blood boiling as he witnessed it and he had to remind himself that it hadn't happened here. And if she showed up...well, she wasn't getting anywhere near him or the rest of his family. Of that Neal was certain. He didn't know if Emma knew or didn't know about the events of the episode yet or not. He had been given the impression when they spoke last that she hadn't. He didn't want to insist she watch. He didn't want her to feel any need or obligation for words shared in a time they hadn't either experienced yet. Still, the words had always been there for Neal, simply hidden away. Tamara had been an attempt to move on. Clearly, a failed one, but an attempt anyway, but the feelings never did go away. He made his way for Emma's apartment with the majority of this on his mind, rubbing at the back of his neck. He hoped to take Henry out for a bit, maybe head to the park. As he reached her door, he gave his normal swift knock before taking a step back to look up at the door. The knock at the door wasn't unexpected. Mary Margaret had a habit of dropping by whenever it suited her, which was... nice actually. Strange didn't begin to cover how it felt that there were still so many people around that cared about her, that made sure she was okay. Emma prepared a smile for Mary Margaret, even though she knew that her mother would be able to see right through it. Instinct was a hard thing to break. "You know, you couldn't have come at a better time, Mar-" she started babbling loud enough to be heard before the door even opened, and as it swung open, she broke off and the smile vanished. "...Neal." She knew he was here. She'd spoken with him off and on for weeks now. But there was something about the sudden green memory of him holding onto her hand over that portal, bleeding and slipping. The feeling of having watched him disappear into a place where medical care was likely not possible overwhelmed Emma as her eyes began to water. Knowing how he felt in the memory helped make it easy for her to throw her arms around him and bury her face in his neck. She managed to choke out, "I thought I'd lost you." Eyes were locked on the door and he turned his head a bit to the side, prepared to make a remark that he wasn't actually the person she was expecting, while he prepared himself for the look of disappointment that he assumed would come with it. She was expecting someone. It wasn't him. Matching a forced smile for when the door opened, he noted the vanishing smile. "Well, don't look so disappoint..." he began, but was cut off the moment her arms were around him. It was only a brief second that he stood in her doorway, arms uncertain of where they should be, with his eyes still locked on where Emma had been standing just a second past. Once his mind was able to catch up, however, arms wrapped around her as if in second nature. In a way, it was, for long ago it was precisely what he would have done, and his eyebrows came together in a state of confusion as he held her against him. "Lost me? Why would you think that?" He asked, quietly, it having not occurred to him that the same that had happened to Hook had happened to Emma. Emma tightened her arms before she released him. There were tears on his neck. She pulled the sleeve of her shirt down over her palms to wipe it dry. Anything to avoid looking directly at him. Not after that ridiculous outburst. She remembered that the things that happened there didn't always translate here. It made her feel a little bit better, a little bit worse. "Sorry. I got... upgraded. Or whatever it is. The new memories. You were shot and then you - " Emma had to swallow down her feelings before she could continue. "You fell through a portal. All alone. And I guess I..." Got wrapped up in those feelings. "...am an idiot." She was crying and it made his arms tighten even more so around her. It was rare and something he hadn't seen in over a decade. Feeling his heart sink, he loosened his grip on her when she moved away from him, eyes dropping as she wiped at his skin. As she did, he kept shifting his gaze, trying to get a clear look at her expression, wanting to read it as best he could, but not wanting to assume anything. His jaw set when she spoke. She had experienced it. He had seen the incident but he hadn't experienced it. He hadn't felt the rush of terror or panic or desperation that he was certain he would have felt in the moment. No, he had felt fear as a spectator but that was what it had been. He had been spectating his own life. She had actually experienced those emotions, that moment, those words... ...his head shook then and he didn't care if she had released him. Now it was Neal who stepped forward and wrapped his arms once again around her, because even if he hadn't experienced that moment, he knew his feelings. The ones he had buried. They weren't foreign to him. "I'm here, and I'm fine, I'm perfectly fine, see?" He had turned his head, whispering the word into her hair. Damnit. Emma had been working hard to get those emotions under control, but her steely resolve splintered and cracked, and she was blinking back tears again. Her fingers latched onto the back of his shirt, arms locked around him, as she rested her cheek against his. It took her a few moments to get herself to the point where she could talk without babbling and crying all over again. "Don't leave me again. Don't - don't do that. The noble thing. I could have saved you." Emma didn't know if that was true. He was here, though, which was enough for right now. "I had you." "We don't know that," he whispered gently once she was ready to talk. He didn't rush her nor did he pull away. He may not have experienced the moment yet but he knew what he had been suppressing, what he would come forward and allow to be spoken, and it was all true. Neal had never stopped loving Emma but in the end he had always wanted what was best for her and only that. "But I ain't leaving again, they can't make me," he swore, though he didn't know how well he could hold up that promise. After all, he had been taken from them before with no recollection of the event in his own mind. Wouldn't he have felt the same desire to make certain he never leave then? He didn't know for certain but he did know that he was going to do all that he could to make sure he stayed now. Pulling gently from the embrace, just enough so he could look at her, his hand came to rest on her cheek and he gave her a smile to go along with his words. "I'm staying," he emphasized. He wasn't going to run. He wasn't going to abandon her or Henry. Neal intended to stay and be there for everything that she permitted him to be. |