Christopher Pike (daretodobetter) wrote in thedoorway, @ 2013-05-23 09:20:00 |
|
|||
Entry tags: | !log, !prom 2013, barbara gordon / oracle (birds of prey), christopher pike (movies) |
Who: Babs Gordon & Christopher Pike
When: Saturday, May 18 (backdated)
Where: Babs' apt
What: After prom, Babs & Chris have a little chat in which he tells her spoilers.
Rating: PG13 for kissing as an avoidance technique
Status: Completed log
warning: STID spoilers
Prom had been exhausting, in a way, keeping up the facade that everything was okay. Christopher had done his best to check in on everyone he knew who was there and make sure they were doing well. It was reassuring to be in his dress uniform again, and he was back to some of his usual confidence and self esteem despite still being in the chair.
He was glad when the night was over though and he and Barbara made their way back to her apartment. She looked amazing in her gown and he let his gaze longer on her as he undid the top of his dress uniform.
"So, better or worse than you expected?"
Barbara set her clutch on the coffee table and bent down to remove her heels, unstrapping them and tossing them aside. "It was nice," she said. "Better than I expected, I think, but nice." It was the first time she'd seen him since he went to see the new Star Trek movie (she had yet to see it and by this point she hadn't decided if she would or not) and there were a lot of things she knew he wasn't talking about. She hated that. "What about you? Did you have a good time?"
"Better than expected," Christopher said, which was the truth. It was odd, certainly, not to be able to dance at a function but oddly easier to do with Babs at his side. "Besides, hard to have a bad time when you're looking so gorgeous next to me," he said with a smile. "Want a beer or something stronger?"
She couldn't help but blush at his compliment. He'd looked so good in his dress uniform as well, and she was glad she hadn't insisted on a tuxedo. "Just water is fine for me actually," she said. "I'd forgotten how tiring those dances are, even without dancing."
He raised an eyebrow, but said nothing, fetching himself a beer and Babs a glass of water from the kitchen. He was tired as well, but in the mood to unwind. It had been hard to keep up the smile by the end of the night and he'd been grateful when it was time to head home. He set their drinks on the coffee table before taking off the jacket of his dress uniform and moving to the couch in just the tshirt and trousers from it.
"It's exhausting - but luckily they're not a weekly occurrence. It was a bit nice to see everyone all dressed up," he admitted.
"Yes, it was a nice night. Are you staying a while?" She wanted to get out of her dress, change into something more comfortable. "If you are, I'd like to get into my sweats if you don't kind. I'm not used to being all this dressed up." Barbara was trying not to ask anything too probing. She wanted Chris to talk to her, be willing to talk to her, let her help him if she can, but she didn't think it was going to happen.
"At least long enough for a beer or two - unless you're kicking me out," Pike said with a smile as he got comfy on the sofa. "Go change. I'll be here when you get back."
She nodded and wheeled off to her bedroom to find something else to wear, taking her time to change into soft cotton pants and a tank top, running a comb through her hair, and retying it off her neck. She came back out and moved onto the couch to join him. "Thanks for taking me," she said.
Pike smiled as he made room next to him and wrapped an arm around Barbara, pressing his lips against her cheek. "It was my pleasure. Makes me think I should find a reason to get you in those heels more often."
"Wearing heels doesn't do me any good," she said, not like it had in the week that they'd been gifted an opportunity to be young and whole again. She hadn't really given it much thought about what kind of shoes to wear, and she'd found those red heels and couldn't help herself.
"True, but they're nice to look at," he teased as he found himself rubbing at her shoulders. "Then again, you're always nice to look at."
"Thank you," she said, leaning into him automatically. There was so much she wanted to say or ask but she continued to bite her tongue. "Are we still on next weekend to go away?" she asked.
Pike nodded. "If you're still up for it. Weather seems to be decent in San Francisco. Maybe a day trip to wine country," he suggested, resting his head against hers.
Barbara closed her eyes for a moment. "I am," she said. "I just wasn't sure if you were, depending." She set her hand on his knee. "Speaking of San Francisco, did you get everything you needed when you went awol."
"I am," he said. Rather, he hoped he would be. He didn't want to back out of any promises or obligations, especially not ones he'd made to Babs. "Not everything," he said quietly. "I got some time to myself though. Needed that."
"That's good, but you know, there are people here who want to help you get through anything that's going on with you. Believe me," she said. "I know what it's like to bottle everything up. It's not good, Chris, okay?"
Christopher took her hand in his and squeezed it. "I know, Barbara. I'm just not ready to talk about it yet. I need to- I don't know- I think I still need time to come to terms with some things. I know you're here and I appreciate that. I- I wouldn't have been able to come back here if it weren't for you."
"Mmn," Barbara hummed, rubbing her thumb over the back of his hand. "Is there anything you're ready to tell me about what happened? I don't have the opportunity to know anything about the future I left, you know. What happened is all there is. The rest is an unknown. Besides the fact the even if there was more, it wouldn't have any bearing on my life here. Because they aren't the same lives."
Christopher was silent for a bit, relaxing into the feel of her thumb on his hand. "I don't make it," he said simply, figuring it was best to get that bit out in the open. It was possible it'd be common enough knowledge soon enough and he figured it was best for Babs to hear it from him.
Barbara blinked for a moment, unsure what to make of what he just said. Did he mean --? "Wait, you die?" she asked, suddenly thankful that she hadn't gone to see the movie as she'd previously intended.
Christopher nodded. "Fairly early on in the movie, actually," he explained. He didn't go into the fact that he got the Enterprise back but never stepped aboard her before dying.
"It's probably a very good thing I didn't go to see it then," she said, after a long moment, and quietly. She turned to look at him, worried.
"Probably," he said with a smile as he squeezed her hand. "Especially since you've already seen me in my dress uniform."
For him, watching himself die wasn't the hard part - it was watching Kirk and Spock's reactions and watching Kirk die and all the damage and death on the Enterprise.
She leaned up to kiss him softly. "What happened? Can you talk about it?" she asked, knowing that it was more than a little possible that he couldn't. If his reaction was anything like the first time she watched one of the Birds of Prey episodes and realized that the opening sequence showed the Joker shooting her … it would never be easy.
"It was during an attack on Starfleet HQ," Christopher explained. This part wasn't as difficult for him. "It's a long story as to what provoked the attack," he said, not wanting to get into the backstory of Marcus and Khan and the fact that he felt he should have foreseen Marcus' actions. "We were at a meeting though - all senior officers of Starfleet. Kirk and Spock were there as well when the building got attacked. I didn't make it. Kirk and Spock did."
Barbara held her breath while he spoke. "I see," she said carefully. A part of her wanted to start asking him questions like, how did that make him feel or aren't you glad you're here, now, alive, but she wasn't a therapist and could never pretend to be. Instead, she nodded and sat back against him again. "Well, I, for one, am glad that you're here and not dead," she said.
Christopher smiled and leaned in to kiss Babs tenderly, lingering in the kiss. He still longed for the hero's death in a way - not that he got that in the movie. "It's good to be alive."
"Yes," she said, kissing him back, "it is." But she pulled back and searched his face. "I hope that when you're ready to talk about it with me, you will."
He smiled at her, cupping her cheek with his hand and drawing his thumb over her lip. "It's funny, dying doesn't bother me," Christopher said softly. "But not being able to help or protect the others - that's the worst part."
She nodded, because in that, Barbara understood. How many days, weeks, months, even had she spent after her shooting thinking the same thing? After all, her entire life revolved around protecting the city. And then she couldn't anymore. That, to her, was worse than dying. "I know," she said without thinking.
"That's why I needed to get away. Because even knowing I couldn't stop what happened, it still felt like I failed them," he said softly.
It wouldn't do any good to say that he didn't fail them. He was here. But could you actually separate yourself from a version of yourself that you would have been if you weren't here? She swallowed. "One, you didn't fail anyone. Two, you were killed. That's not failing anyone. That's out of your control."
"I know that. Logically, intellectually, I do. But it doesn't matter because I feel like I failed them," Christopher said quietly, running his fingers through Barbara's hair. "I know, but well, one of my colleagues was partially responsible for the destruction in the movie - the deaths of many people. And I realize it's not real, but it feels real because that could have been my future. I feel like I should have foreseen it - realized what Marcus was up to. I know it's pointless, but.."
He trailed off, kissing Barbara's neck instead because he wasn't sure how much he'd be able to talk about.
"If you didn't know anything, and it didn't seem like you did from what you saw, then you didn't know and you couldn't have forseen it," Barbara said, breathing out a bit as she leaned her head to the side to let him kiss there. He was going to distract her with that, she knew it.
"I know Marcus though, I know the way his brain was working after the Narada .." he trailed off, wrapping his arms tighter around her and kissing her again. Right now, all he wanted to do was lose himself in Babs.
"But you didn't," she said, touching his face and kissing him back. "Or else it would have been clear in the movie. Hindsight is always twenty-twenty, Chris. You know that."
Chris closed his eyes and leaned into the kiss. "I know, doesn't matter though - you know that," he said, running his hands over his back.
"You can choose whether or not to let it matter," Barbara said, pulling back to look at him. "It's your choice whether you want to spend your life here worried about what could have and what didn't happen. Or if you could have changed things, which you couldn't have. Or you can move on."
"I don't plan to spend my life worrying about it, just trying to process it all," he said a bit more tersely than he intended.
She nodded. "I'm sure. I'm just pointing it out, that's all, Chris," she said, mostly because she'd known him long enough to know he was still regretful and worrying over his injury, and she worried that this would only add to that, not make anything better.
"I know," Chris said tiredly, sagging back against the couch and pulling Babs with him, hugging her to himself. He kissed her tenderly. "Glad you're here."
Barbara kissed him back, a bit. She didn't say anything especially because it was clear that he didn't want to have a mature discussion about this or share anything with him, and while she knew that would probably be the case, that didn't mean she wasn't disappointed that it came to this.