Thalia Grace (wasatree) wrote in thedoorway, @ 2013-05-16 11:52:00 |
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Entry tags: | !log, luke castellan, thalia grace |
WHO: Luke Castellan and Thalia Grace
WHERE: Thalia’s apartment
WHEN: May 15
WHAT: Thalia’s hunting days are officially over
RATING: PG
STATUS: log; complete.
Annabeth had told Luke as he was dying that he always pushed himself too hard. Whether it was too hard or not was up for debate, but there was no denying that Luke was hard on himself. He’d only gotten worse about it since his death and resurrection on this side of the Tesseract, too. From the moment he arrived, he had dedicated himself to helping other people and making a positive impact on the world, with the idea that he could work toward balancing out all the evil that he’d done. He couldn’t erase it, but he could try at least to put in an equal amount of good. He worked as hard now for redemption as he ever had for revenge. He didn’t know where this new change in Thalia’s circumstances left him with regard to that. He loved Thalia and she loved him. That part was simple. What wasn’t simple was figuring out what to do about that now that she was maybe free to act on that if she wanted to. Luke didn’t want to make any assumptions about how Thalia was going to react to concluding that she truly had been abandoned by Artemis. The best idea he could come up with was to go up to see her and try to feel out the situation and keep his own notions out of it. Thalia was the one who had experienced a loss, so he would keep his reactions in line with hers and just offer whatever comfort he could. So, as soon as Luke got work matters settled, he took the afternoon off and headed up to Thalia’s apartment. As usual, he knocked to announce himself and then walked on in. “Thalia?” he called. “It’s me.” Thalia was on the couch, still wearing yesterday’s clothes. The signs of a sleepless night were obvious in her mussed up hair and tired mien, but she gave him a small smile when he walked in. “Hey,” she said, holding out her hand to him. “Thanks for taking time off work.” She knew how important his work at the youth centre was to him, but after a long, sleepless night of soul-searching and praying to an unresponsive moon, she just wanted to be selfish and curl up with the man she loved. “Much as I like to tell myself otherwise, they can get by without me down there for a few hours,” Luke replied with a slight smile. “So don’t worry about it.” He took her hand and sat down next to her, because it was obvious enough that Thalia needed that. She looked a bit of a wreck, and he could tell she hadn’t slept much. Not that he could blame her; he hadn’t ever met a demigod without at least a little in the way of abandonment issues, and stacking on the loss of immortality and supernatural hunting skills could only make that feel worse. As soon as he sat down beside her, Thalia shifted to wrap her arms around him and settle her head on his shoulder. This was the kind of hug that had been so natural and comfortable when they’d been kids, but they’d stayed away from in this world, because it edged a little too close to the line beyond pure friendliness. Now Thalia didn’t have to worry about that. Now she didn’t know what to do. There were so many feelings swirling in her at the moment: grief; abandonment; disappointment; relief; guilt over the relief; and a burgeoning sense of excited freedom. “I went to the park last night,” she said quietly. “I found a quiet spot and I prayed to the moon. I know Lady Artemis can’t hear me from here, but it always helped to have that connection to the moon, you know? But last night there was nothing. There was no...” She trailed off, trying to explain the feeling of warmth and belonging that a Hunter felt from gazing upon the moon. “I couldn’t feel anything, like I was completely disconnected.” Luke folded his arms around her in turn, offering what little comfort he could. “I’m sorry,” he softly replied. He knew how hard it was to feel alone. He’d felt it for most of his life, and he wasn’t a person who had ever been cut out for that. Thalia was tougher than he was, though; she would survive this and she would be okay, and she wouldn’t do anything stupid based on being tossed aside. “It’s okay,” Thalia said, although there wasn’t much sincerity behind her words. It was going to be okay - she knew that - but at the moment it didn’t quite seem that way. She’d come to terms with being a Hunter for the rest of her immortal life years ago, and that was what she had prepared herself for: a lifetime of hunting monsters that would otherwise prey on demigods like her; watching her friends have families and grow old; becoming like Zoe Nightshade, a Hunter out of her time, in service of her Lady. And while she and Luke had discussed the possibility that the loss of her powers could be permanent, it was still a shock to get confirmation of it. Suddenly, the future she’d seen laid out before her had been yanked away. “It’s just...I thought I was going to be a Hunter forever,” she said slowly, trying to put some of her jumbled thoughts and feelings into words. “And suddenly having a future where I can grow old and get a driver’s license and drink legally and all that is a little overwhelming. But I’m relieved too, that I’m no longer bound by my Oath or even my Immortality. I can experience all these other things and I don’t have to watch any of you grow old and die now, because I can be right with you.” “I’m glad you know you’re not really alone, at least,” Luke said. “Nobody ought to feel that way. But I think it’s okay for you to let it be complicated and not really be sure how you feel. It’s a big loss in some ways, but then you’re getting back other things you lost by choosing to join the hunt...I don’t think you have to absolutely feel one way or another about it right now. Or ever, maybe.” He was very deliberately avoiding the topic that was foremost in his mind, largely because he felt guilty for it being foremost in his mind to begin with. With Artemis out of the picture, Thalia was free to be with him if she wanted to be. She could call him her boyfriend and they could make out in the back seat of the car and go on dates and fall asleep curled up on the sofa with him without either of them having to feel guilty about it - if she wanted that. Luke wouldn’t be the one to bring it up. For one, he didn’t want her to feel like there was any pressure to move too quickly past the very real and understandable grief she felt for losing the Hunt. For another, he didn’t feel like he was really that great a trade-off compared to what she’d lost, and he didn’t want to sound as if he did. Luke just knew he wasn’t going to be able to stop thinking about it until Thalia finally broached the subject, whenever that happened. It was a subject that was constantly on Thalia’s mind as well, even if she didn’t always consciously think about it. It had been because of Luke that she’d joined the Hunters, and it was because of Luke that she’d lost her place with them. He was so intertwined with her life, even after his death, and now she finally had the chance to be with him the way they wanted. In a way, was something that had been years in the making, and now they were finally at the cusp of getting to what they’d only danced around so many years ago. “One thing I am sure about,” she said quietly, tipping her head back to look up at him. “I don’t regret falling in love with you, and I’m not ever going to. It’s probably the best thing that’s happened to me here.” Even under the somber circumstances, Luke smiled faintly at that. “I’m glad,” he said, and then his smile faded. “I’d been worried that after this you’d be wishing you’d never set eyes on me. Immortality’s a pretty big thing to lose, and so’s the favor of a goddess, especially for loving somebody who’s as much of a trainwreck as I am. But it’s the best thing that’s happened to me, too - here or anywhere else - so I’m glad this isn’t making you swing back to hating me again.” “The worst part is feeling like I’ve failed Lady Artemis,” Thalia admitted. “She gave me a place and a purpose when I thought I’d lost everything, and I just feel horrible that I broke my word to her. But the other things - immortality, and even the archery powers - they were never that important to me. I joined the Hunters because they were the closest thing to giving me the sort of peace and belonging that I felt when I was with you. But now...” She lifted her hand to lightly touch his face. “Now I have you. I’m not going to hate you for giving me back what I’ve been looking for, for so long.” It was another one of those moments. There had been so many of them over the past months - times when his eyes met hers, or when she smiled at him, or when she sat next to him while they watched a movie - so many moments where he wanted more than anything to kiss her. He never had, for the very good reason that her happiness was more important to Luke than his own was. He didn’t want to complicate her life or upset her or give her anything to feel guilty about, so for as long as he could he’d kept his hands and his feelings to himself. But she wasn’t tied to the goddess anymore, she wasn’t bound by her oath, and there would be no reason for her to feel guilty, and he couldn’t do much to complicate her life any more than it already was. Her hand rested at his cheek in a gently intimate gesture that made his pulse quicken, and there was no reason anymore not to at least test the waters. “Thalia?” he asked quietly. “Can I kiss you?” As soon as the words were out of his mouth, Luke started to question whether he should have said anything. “I’m sorry,” he said quickly. “That was stupid. You’re still dealing with all the Artemis stuff, and I shouldn’t have said anything. It was dumb and selfish, and I’m sorry. I just--” She cut off his panicked flow of words with a gentle feather of a kiss that was followed up by a longer, more exploratory one. She’d wanted to kiss him for a very long time now, ever since that August night on the Atlantic boardwalk where he’d turned to her, laughing, and leaned in close to brush a speck of cotton candy off her nose. She’d turned down the Hunters the first time they offered her a place with them because of that little touch, but she’d never had a chance to take it further. At first it was because she didn’t want to upset the wonderful relationship they already did have, and by the time she’d wanted to push the boundaries of their friendship it was too late: they ended up on opposite sides of a war; and then her Oath to Artemis had prevented them from being anything other than friends. All that was behind them now, and now she could finally do what she’d wanted to so long ago. Luke had wanted to do the same at the time, and dozens of times since, and remarkably this was exactly how he had imagined it. It wasn’t the kind of crashing drama that you’d see in a movie, but it made his heart pound and his breath catch in his throat and goosebumps rise on the back of his neck, and he’d never felt more warm and happy and loved in his life. Every good or bad thing he’d ever done had been in pursuit of this feeling, and he never wanted it to end. Even when the kiss slowly broke, Luke didn’t move away. He stayed right there with his forehead resting against hers, his eyes still closed, as if the wrong movement would tear everything apart like a spiderweb. He smiled, though, softly and quietly contented, like a person who had finally found his way home after a long and arduous journey. Thalia was happy to stay there, within the little cocoon of contented bliss they’d made for themselves. It had been such a long time coming, she wanted to make the moment last as long as she possibly could. “Is this what Elysium feels like?” she murmured eventually, her words a soft breath against his lips. “No,” he said. “This is better.” Coming from anyone else, it would have been hyperbole or flattery, but Luke had been to Elysium. He had never really felt that he belonged there. Regardless of what the Fates or the ancient kings or his father said, Luke didn’t think of himself as a hero. He did feel like he belonged here, though, with Thalia’s arms around him and the sweet taste of her lips still on his. This was where he always should have been; he just had to go to another world to get there. A remark like that deserved another kiss, which Thalia gladly gave. She’d restrained herself from doing anything like that for so long, but she could see how easily she could get addicted to doing it now. It seemed that once she started, it was hard to stop. This kiss grew quickly more passionate, deeper, and as Luke carefully stopped his hand at her waist he realized that he was probably about to become closely acquainted with a brand new kind of frustration. He didn’t want to rush anything, because he loved Thalia and respected her and knew that she had even less experience in this kind of thing than he did, but wow was it going to be difficult. “I, ah...don’t suppose this means you’d be willing to go to the prom with me?” he asked with a shaky laugh. It sounded funny even in his head, and more so out loud, simply because going to the prom together was the kind of stupid teenage thing that they’d never gotten to do or even thought of doing. Thalia laughed quietly as well. Prom wouldn’t have been on her list of things to do even if she hadn’t spent her teenage years fighting monsters and living on the streets, and to hear Luke asking her now seemed so...quaint. It kind of went with the idea of houses with white picket fences and pets and a working fridge and things that didn’t have to be thrown into a bag when a hasty departure was needed - all things they’d once dreamed about having but hadn’t had a chance to get back on their own world. They had the chance now, though, so prom wasn’t as silly as it might have sounded back home. Still, she gave him a regretful look. “I wasn’t planning to go, so I told Daniel I’d go to Chinatown with him that night,” she said. “But I did promise Annabeth I’d drop by afterwards, so don’t leave early, okay? Just...don’t expect me to dress up for it.” Annabeth might have consented to put herself in a dress for the occasion, but Thalia couldn’t imagine herself voluntarily getting into one. Luke chuckled again. “I won’t expect you to dress up for it as long as you dance with me at least once even though you’re not dressed up,” he conceded. “And as long as you don’t give me a bunch of crap for dressing up like a normal person.” Luke actually kind of liked dressing up. It was one of those things like clean living space and not-stolen Snickers bars that he’d never had access to when he was a kid, so he got a kick out of it now. Besides, he looked good in that suit, and he knew it. “Your feet are going to regret that you ever asked me to dance,” Thalia warned with a small laugh. Despite all her worries about losing her place in the Hunt, she couldn’t help but be cheered by this conversation. Finally, they could do all those things that they’d never been able to do before. There was definitely something to be happy about in that. “And I make no promises about giving you crap.” Luke smiled as he leaned in toward her again. “Well, at least I have a good way of shutting you up now,” he murmured, and kissed her once more. That wasn’t going to get old any time soon - probably not ever. And while she would undoubtedly have something sassy to say about his formalwear, Luke was pretty confident that they’d dance together just as well as they did anything else as a pair. “Then I might have to give you crap more often,” Thalia murmured back, smiling against his lips, although she knew they’d find many other occasions to kiss. As bad as she felt about letting down Artemis, this was one undeniable perk of not being a Hunter. It was definitely a perk as far as Luke was concerned. He’d been wanting to kiss her for a long, long time, and now that he could he didn’t want to stop for much. At some point they were going to have to actually talk about where they stood, but for now the implied state of things was pretty good. “How,” he asked teasingly between kisses, “could you possibly give me crap more often?” “Hey, I’ve been nice!” Thalia protested, although she didn’t stop kissing him. “The only times I’ve ever really given you crap is when you don’t take care of yourself. Admit it.” Another kiss. “I have been absolutely supportive.” “Yeah, all right.” Luke conceded with a warm smile, because he didn’t really feel like having an argument with her, even just for play. All he really wanted was to finally enjoy being with her without anything hanging over their heads. “You’re absolutely supportive,” he allowed, and kissed her again. “And amazing. And beautiful. And smart. And I love you.” Thalia had always been susceptible to flattery, and having it come so sincerely eased her indignation. “I love you too,” she said, and then she laughed a little. “And now I can say it as much as I want.” She kissed him once more, and tried it again. “I love you.” Kiss. “I love you.” Nothing had ever sounded as beautiful or felt as good as that did. The only thing that could make Luke stop smiling then was kissing her, so he did - several more times, in fact, before finally making himself back off and take a even, steadying breath. “I love you,” he said again, just because he didn’t think he’d ever be able to say it enough, even though he was moving to a more serious topic now. “And I’m sorry for you losing your immortality, but I’m so glad I can say that now without worrying what it’s going to do to you.” “Like I said, immortality wasn’t a big deal,” Thalia told him with a smile of her own. It had actually been one of the elements of being a Hunter she wasn’t looking forward to. As much as she’d enjoyed the Hunt, she didn’t want to end up like Zoe Nightshade, two thousand years out of her time and out of touch with the world that had passed her by. She’d never banked on a long life anyway, and being able to say that she’d reached sixteen without dying was going to be gratifying for her. “I’m glad we don’t have to worry anymore too.” What they’d been fearing had already come to pass, and it wasn’t as bad as Thalia had feared. There was nothing holding them back now. “So what do we do now?” he asked, another small, sideways smile coming to his face, as well. “I know everything just changed a whole lot for you, so I don’t want you to feel like you have to change anything else you don’t want to.” Thalia shook her head. “It’s a good change, I think, if you’re talking about being together. “It’ll be nice to be able to kiss you whenever I want, without feeling like an absolute failure at keeping my word.” “Yeah, that’s what I was talking about,” Luke admitted, looking a bit sheepish. “I, ah...well...remember when I said I hadn’t cared about having a girlfriend since I knew that you were never going to be her? I mean...you can now. If you want.” He knew he sounded awkward. At twenty-two total years of existence, he thought he probably should’ve been better at asking someone to be his girlfriend. Most of that had been spent on either survival, revenge, or redemption, though. He’d never had the time for anything like this. “Oh goodie, can I?” Thalia teased, unable to help herself. She could tell how uncomfortable he felt about asking, but at the same time, she knew him well enough to know that teasing him - or giving him crap, as he would claim - was exactly what he needed to break out of that awkwardness. Just as quickly as she teased him, though, she reassured him as well. “Yes, of course I want. But I’m warning you now: I think I’m going to be the jealous type of girlfriend.” She hadn’t been able to show it before, and had even forced herself to be happy for him when she’d thought he was dating Silena. Now that she could show her affection for him, however, she wasn’t going to hold off on showing her jealousy either. “If you wanna glare daggers at any girls who you think are too flirty or whatever, that’s fine with me,” Luke said. “Just as long as you know that regardless of who hits on me, I’m not hitting back.” He wanted to be able to ask her to trust him, but was afraid that might be a bridge too far. She had trusted him implicitly once, and Luke knew he’d done a lot to damage that before he’d died. He was grateful that she was willing to move past that and trust him enough to be with him at all. Asking her to treat him like any other guy who was in love with his girlfriend felt like it might be pushing his luck. “Good,” she said, settling back in his arms. “But it won’t hurt to let people know that you’re taken.” Despite Luke’s worries, she actually did trust him in this. They had gone through too much for his interest to go wandering, and if nothing else, his job at the Youth Centre would keep him too busy to. But she’d also seen the way that other girls looked at him, and it would probably head off any potential misunderstandings in the future if they knew that he was no longer available. Luke smiled as Thalia made herself comfortable. “Should I make a public service announcement?” he joked. “Attention, ladies with a thing for obsessive, insecure, basketcase workaholics: please mark Luke Castellan off your list of prospects.” Luke knew that there were girls who thought he was physically attractive even with the scars, but he was pretty sure that most people who knew his history (which was nearly everyone, since he was a book character to most of them) would stay far, far away. And even if they weren’t aware of the almost-world-destroying thing, he recognized that he had a whole heap of issues left over from that and everything preceding it. He was pretty confident that Thalia was worried about nothing. “Hey, don’t talk about my boyfriend that way,” Thalia rebuked mildly, momentarily distracted from the idea of getting rid of her competition by his description of himself. She knew he had a lot of baggage left from the war with the Olympians, but he’d done so much good since, she wished he could see some of it. Luke was momentarily distracted from his own perceived shortcomings by hearing her refer to him as her boyfriend. It was a little thing, but it made him smile, and finally he was allowed to respond by pressing a kiss to her forehead instead of just wishing he could. “Yeah, all right,” he said, because he’d almost always let Thalia have her way about everything. “All I’m saying is, you don’t have anything to worry about. I’ll probably be referring to you as my girlfriend every chance I get, just because I like the sound of it.” The gentle kiss made her smile again. At one point they were going to have to work on his self-esteem, but she was willing to make it into a long-term project. For now, it was enough that they were officially together. “Then we’ll be fine.” She lifted her hand to brush a lock of hair off his forehead, then leaned up and kissed him again. She could definitely get used to this. “I feel like we should celebrate.” “I could go for celebrating,” Luke easily agreed. “And it just so happens I’ve got the rest of the day off. What do you want to do? Cheeseburgers?” Usually Thalia’s idea of celebrating involved going out for cheeseburgers in some fashion or another. On the other hand, they also had months of making out on the sofa to catch up on, and you could get almost anything delivered in New York. “Cheeseburgers,” Thalia agreed promptly. “And then--” She was going to suggest a walk where they could actually hold hands, or coming back to the apartment where they can be snuggling, but she suddenly remembered the mandatory workshop that Emma Frost was putting on. All of a sudden, the sex ed workshop that she’d been planning to snigger her way through took on a more significant meaning. She grimaced, trying not to be too awkward about it. “I have to go to that workshop.” “The wo--” Luke started to ask, and then remembered exactly what she was talking about. “Right, Emma’s workshop. Sex ed.” Which was required for Thalia, as she was a student. Luke ran quickly through his mental calendar - the workshop was at four, and if he recalled correctly was supposed to last about an hour. “Wanna just hang out here until then, and go out afterward?” Because as glad as he was to be able to announce their relationship, Miss Frost’s sex education seminar was definitely not where he wanted their first public appearance to be. Luke also wanted Thalia to have a chance to talk to her brother before Luke talked to anyone himself. Though their most recent first conversation had gone better than last time, he wasn’t confident that the other guy’s attitude wouldn’t change when presented with this alteration of circumstances. “Good idea,” Thalia said. Hopefully the workshop wasn’t going to be too uncomfortable now that it was going to be applicable to her at some point. She and Luke weren’t anywhere ready for that kind of thing yet, but she supposed she ought to at least pay attention now. Until then, she was happy to just hang out with him. Now that they can actually touch each other without first checking if they were crossing any lines, it was going to be much more fun. |