dean winchester is batman. (lovespies) wrote in thedoorway, @ 2013-03-10 20:17:00 |
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Dean was admittedly a bit concerned about Jo. Honestly, he'd been concerned for her since she'd arrived in the state she'd arrived though, unfortunately, his concern had taken a backseat to the tesseract situation and then the fact that he'd suddenly gotten memories of his future that felt like his present now. When she'd told him she needed to talk, however, the concern had returned in an instant. Of course he'd agreed to meet up with her—though he'd have done so whether he was worried or not—ignoring the lingering ominous feeling of we need to talk. Had he unwittingly pissed off Jo? Having been jonesing for a bacon cheeseburger all day, Dean had chosen to meet Jo at a diner he'd found the week before. It was a shame they weren't serving beer to go with it—he hadn't been without at least a beer in hand since he'd woken up with the new memories—but the moment the burger and fries were in front of him, he found himself perfectly content. He grabbed for the ketchup, squeezing a healthy portion onto his plate before rubbing his hands together in anticipation of digging into the food. After taking a big bite of the burger and reveling in its deliciousness with a sound of a little too much happiness, he asked (mouth full), "So what's— Mmm, goddamn, this is a freaking good burger. Even better than last week. Sorry, yeah, what's up, Jo?" Jo had been fretting over talking to Dean since she got here and got better. She’d put off cornering him into a conversation for weeks because well Sam and Veronica thought she’d lost her freaking mind. Which, part of her acknowledged was a possibility. Coming through torn to shreds was not a pleasant memory. But it was hers and she had lingered on it too long. The lack of Hunting here didn’t help -- she couldn’t pull a patented Hunter move and shove the worry down and focus on work. Not here. Even their little vigilante runs weren’t enough. Then she’d gone browsing the web. Decidedly a bad idea. She’d stumbled upon a fansite devoted to pairings. It brought back memories she’d tried to ignore. She closed the page almost immediately but it was lingering and she wanted to confront Dean. Get it off her chest and move on. She didn’t care the outcome of her little talk. She just wanted it on the table. She was too tired to care if it alienated him or not. She could deal with that. So she’d proposed a meeting at a diner. She met him there, on time of course, in torn blue jeans, a nice grey blouse and her combat boots.. She had ditched a coat in favor of a loose hoodie and had thrown said hoodie on the back of the seat at the diner. She’d ordered a double bacon with fries and was busy prepping it with ketchup and taking a bite when Dean started in on his. She set the burger down and smirked a touch - it was almost normal feeling. Especially with his attempt to start talking, interrupted by talking about the burger, before getting back to the question. “Don’t be sorry” she said with a smile. “I think I asked Sam this but - I forgot - so before I blab on, what do you remember? I can’t remember how far ahead of you I am... “ she stopped then and closed her eyes “although I guess it doesn’t matter because I told you what happened when I came through to this place, didn’t I?” she was nervous. She was biting her lip between sentences. Swallowing another bite, Dean's eyes widened guiltily. "Yeah… about that. So apparently it's not just people who come through the tesseract but memories, too. I remember—" Sammy dying. Living a year without my brother. Lisa and Ben. But, of course, Jo didn't know anything about those things and he was about to start their dinner talking about watching Sam fall into the pit with Lucifer and Michael. "—I remember quite a ways past what you remember." He wiped some stray grease from the burger off the corner of his mouth with the back of his hand. "Sorry, I thought I'd told everyone, but you know how I am." Dean cleared his throat and shifted his weight in his seat, temporarily abandoning his burger for the fries. "But, yeah, I remember when you're from, Jo." Was that what she wanted to talk about? He could probably handle that. He wasn't good with emotions but he'd been feeling guilty about her death ever since it had happened, so maybe her talking about it would make him feel better, too. She eyed his guilty look with a head tilt. Then a slow shake of her head. She was used to not knowing - she had always been on the outskirts of their world. Her own was wrapped up in the Roadhouse, her mother, running away - hunting herself. But she always found out, too. No matter what, she was family. Even if she had a slight … uh... crush. Problem. It was beyond her to understand it. Hell, she’d tried. She had talked about it with Veronica. Not that it helped. She took a breath and grabbed a fry, shoving food in her mouth before she could make some wise ass comment. “Alright. No. That’s good to know.” she nodded, after she’d eaten the fry. She was already anticipating being glowered at by Sam for even broaching the soon-to-be-broached subject, and it was making her more nervous. Jo was not the best at confronting emotions. She was just as bad as the guys. If not worse because she tried to overcome the womanly natural instinct to be emotional. ‘I kind of want to talk about that. And a few things it left me with. And a few things I’ve learned since I’ve been here. I mean. If you don’t want to - just tell me so.” she took a sip of water trying to hide her nervous tic. Dean relaxed. Jo did want to talk about her dying and, while it broke Dean's heart every time he thought of the sacrifice she and Ellen had made for them in pursuit of stopping the apocalypse, he could handle this territory. He wasn't comfortable with his own emotions, much less anyone else's and, despite his experience with women, he was even worse with their emotions and he had a history of memorable slaps as evidence to the fact. "No, nah, it's okay, talk away, Jo," he replied, shaking his head once with feigned nonchalance (this wasn't about how her death had bothered him after all), and gesturing with his hand to say go ahead. "I can't promise you that I'll be able to say anything to make anything better but, well, I ain't gonna tell you to shut up, either," he added, picking his burger back up. If she was going to do the talking, he could occupy his mouth with the foodgasmic burger in his hands. She grabbed her drink and played with it. She was a mental wreck, and had been hiding it from Sam and Veronica. She had her good days. “Of course not, Dean. I don’t think anyone can say anything that would make it better. And not that I’d want it to be - I know what I did. I chose my own path.” she swallowed and stared down into her glass. “I don’t know how to process it. Sure I’ve talked to Sam about it. But they all think I’m better. I’m back to being ME. I can’t ruin that for him and Veronica.” she said and sighed. “I don’t even know how to accept the fact that had I not come through the Tesseract, I’d be dead.” she let one of her hands fall to her abdomen. The pain was gone. The scars weren’t even there. But she could still feel it sometimes. A lingering memory. She had a lot of those, lingering memories. She knew she was going to put him in the uncomfortable zone but she couldn’t help it. It’d come up sooner or later. “You know why I did what I did, right?” she didn’t raise her eyes to him. Pure Jo-avoidance at it’s finest. She was a damn strong girl. Fighter. Stubborn. But she lost that when she was scared. And she hated showing Dean her weak side. How could he like being around someone so girlie? It was not very hunterish and she knew it. But it had to be done. Dean studied Jo. "Of course you wouldn't, Jo, you're good people, you and your mom both." His brow furrowed and he took a drink of his root beer to wash down the burger. "I understand the choices you made. Hell, I would and have made similar choices in similar situations. Different context, but you know." He pressed his lips into a thin line, eyes catching the movement of her hand to her abdomen–he was a hunter, he caught those sorts of things—and knew exactly what she must be feeling. With his new memories, he could feel every rip dealt to him by the hell hounds and every moment of hell he'd felt following. "When it comes down to it," Dean answered, "we're the same that way. We make those choices because, for us, there's no other option." He leaned back in his chair, confident that he did, indeed, understand her motivations—even if he was entirely off the mark. She looked up feeling his study. Jo was still mindful of being studied by others. Monster or Man it was something she was keenly aware of. Blame Meg. Blame being a Hunter. Blame being raised in a bar of hunter men. It was always something she reacted to - being watched. Sometimes it made her twitchy. Tonight it made her sad. And it showed a bit in her eyes. She hated having tells like this. It made her mad, too. “I’m not sure that we’re good people - but at the end, no we’re determined enough to overcome natural instinct to run.” she shook her head softly. Only Dean could get it so right and so wrong in the same breath. She almost laughed - but it was forced into a smile instead. “Oh Dean.” she sighed. “Only you could get it both right and wrong all at once. But yes - we are the same that way. It’s how we’re built. Bred. Born. I don’t think people choose this life, not for long stretches unless you’re born for it somehow.” she shook her head, blonde strands falling over her eyes. “I had selfish reasons, for it, too, though.” she didn’t look away, drawing on some inner strength garnered from years of working, she made herself think of this whole thing as a job. Just another job. Sure, a job that you’ve got a personal stake in. Way to go, Jo her inner self said, annoyingly right of course. Shrugging one shoulder and gesturing a hand in concession, Dean figured he couldn't argue about the ability to debate whether or not they were good people. It wasn't really as simple as that. He and Sam tortured innocent people sometimes when a demon'd taken over their bodies. Sometimes they couldn't save everyone. And, hell, Dean had his own dark side to rival Sam's and anyone who knew about it likely wouldn't find him inherently good people. He tried to make the right choices, though, and he put his brother, friends and other people ahead of himself nine times out of ten. That had to count for something. At Jo's mention of selfish reasons for dying, he was once again sure he understood, though the thought certainly didn't comfort him. "Your dad, right? Trying to live up to him." That's what his answer would have been, anyway, had he been in Jo's seat and willing to talk about it. It wasn't just his love for and obsessive need to protect his brother that drove Dean's choice but his father's legacy. Reconciling the hero he'd built in his mind, the things he'd learned since his father's death and the man who wasn't even a hunter here now was near on impossible. "I get it, Jo, I do," he offered. "Like a said, we're similar in that way." And he stopped there because there was no way he was about to get touchy feely about his dad right here in this rinkadink diner. Jo closed her eyes for a moment and had to really just control it for a moment. She wanted to laugh. He kept assuming and it was hilarious. She loved him for it. It made things easier because she could do it while mentally giggling a bit. Jo knew all about not being able to save everyone. You didn’t stay a Hunter long without having things go bad, and not all the people getting out. It happened and you grew to accept it. And try harder next time. “No. Yes and no.” she said after a moment. “I wanted so bad to live up to my dad but that wasn’t why. That was why I started, of course - and growing up with it literally all around me - but not what I was talking about. “ she didn’t want them talking about his parents (whom she loved to pieces here!). She bit her lip hard before looking up at him. “I could have made another choice to save you. I could have tried something else to help save the world. But I didn’t. Remember how you yelled at me for throwing myself in front of the Hellhound for you?” Well, Dean was confused as hell and the confusion was apparent on the stupid, blank look on his face, jaw ever-so-slightly slacked. Unsure of what else to do, he extended an arm, pressing his palm to the table and shifted uncomfortably in his seat. "Well, yeah, of course I remember that. It was a damn stupid thing to do, Jo. Throwing yourself at hellhounds. Really, Jo." He furrowed his brow again, trying to follow where the conversation was going but Dean was honestly all out of assumptions. Good. Knocking Dean off his comfort land meant she might have a chance to say what she needed to before he got all smart-assy. She giggled ever so faintly at his look. “Not stupid. And yes. I know what you’re going to say. Don’t ever do it for someone. Never ever. But damn it. The night before you asked me something and I said no. In that moment, I regretted it.” she gave him a moment to let that sink in before barrelling onwards. She was off her own comfort zone now and it was getting harder. “Damn stupid but you do stupid shit for the ones you love, don’t you?” she didn’t mean ‘you’re family and thus I love you’. Not Jo. She knew he already understood that. She slumped back and grabbed for her burger. Not hungry but knowing she needed it. “I got here and it was the first coherent thought I had, after the holy crap, I’m alive thought. I made a mistake and I hurt you, didn’t I?” she said before attacking the burger in a means of distracting herself, although her eyes stayed on him. "Well, I wasn't freaking happy about it, Jo, and you knew it," Dean countered, feeling frustration and regret rising in his tone as he remembered the events leading up to the moment he'd left her and Ellen in that building to die. He and Sammy had lost so much and the people around them had lost even more. It angered him, if he was honest, just how much was lost. And of course he remembered giving Jo the last night on Earth speech that night before but he hadn't a hankering what that had to do with this conversation. "Your choice and what happened to you isn't about me, though. No one's ever happy to lose people they care about but that's nothing compare to what you and your mom gave up to stop what was happening." Dean chewed on his lip, both uncomfortable with the conversation and feeling, while trying not to feel, those memories. Jo laid her burger down and just stared at him for a moment. Then she sighed. “Nevermind, Dean, I shouldn’t have said anything.” she could tell he was uncomfy - he was chewing his lip. A tell they shared to some extent. She shook her head softly and twirled a fry in her fingers as if it were a dagger. Something familiar. She didn’t want to grab the butter knife and do that. People always looked at her weird when she did. “Of course not. Wasn’t expecting you to be, Dean. Never ever.” she shook her head again. “I’m not BLAMING you” her voice rose a little bit as she got frustrated. She didn’t know how to say it, either. “God, Dean - I’d do it all over again in a heart beat if I could save the world again. Doesn’t matter what I feel - who I love, what I care about - because the world’s bigger than Me. But I never thought I’d live to see the next day. I never thought I’d have to look at what I’d done and go holy fuck, I hurt everyone by doing it.” she broke the fry in half and threw it down before picking up another one. Thing about Jo is, Jo has the same kind of explosive temper the rest of them had (in some degrees anyways). She her anger was expended as she twirled the next fry and tried to form her thoughts into a neat line. She took a deep breath, brought her voice back down and looked at him. “Dean - I thought that we’d live to see tomorrow and I’d have another chance. Another chance to say, I’d love to spend more time with you. So I regret, now, saying no, I’d rather not.” she took pauses in her sentences. And tried hard to get the words right. But she didn’t know how to embrace her feelings either. It must be a Hunter thing. You funneled rage into hunting. You funneled hate and fear but good feelings and stress and worry got bottled up until you blew. “Dean.” fuck it “I feel 16 right now, so please don’t see me as being suddenly all girlie girlie and annoying. Damn it” she slumped back into her chair. “I’m kind of hung up on you.” she said, her voice just loud enough for him to hear. At that moment she gave up on the fry and threw it on her plate and watched it bounce up and smack Dean in the face. She’d been angry - she didn’t mean to throw the fry that hard. Once again, Dean was having trouble following Jo's train of conversation. When she finally came out with it, he just looked at her for a good long moment, ignoring the bouncy fry, before he said, "I'm sorry, what?" Maybe he'd known. They'd always had a thing between them but it was only ever a thing because there was the underlying sense that it could never be a thing. He was attracted to her, yes, she was a beautiful, fierce and independent woman who could understand his profession and damn if that wasn't hot as hell. Would he have slept with her if she hadn't turned him down? Probably. But the point was that Jo was the kind of girl who wasn't like the women he typically picked up in bars and he respected her for it. He cared deeply about Jo. As far as he was concerned, she was good as family. And there was the fact the the timing was all wrong here. The only relationship he'd really had was with the woman who'd let her live with him and loved him while he stayed busy working during the days and halfway to drunk when he was off the clock. Dean closed his eyes and rubbed a hand over his forehead. "Look, Jo, you don't want to be hung up on me. You've got a second chance here, don't waste it on someone like me." They were officially having the kind of conversation that Dean tended to avoid like the plague. Which was saying something considering he knew a thing or two about apocalyptic-calibre plagues. She knew it was a thing that would never happen. Did it mean she could ignore it? No. Not really. “I just needed to tell you so you knew. Hiding it was killing me and making me a mess. Sam and Veronica already think I’ve lost my damn mind.” she put her shoulders back, head up, eyes on him. She’d not cave to the fact she just wanted to cry. Partly out of frustration. Partly out of just being happy to get it said. “You sound like my mother.” she said with a snicker. “Someone like you, what is that EVER supposed to mean anyways? Don’t you think I know what kind of person you are?” she rolled her eyes in new levels of annoyances with him. Timing always sucked. But Jo knew that. “Shut up Dean. Don’t you think I know I have a second chance? Why the hell do you think I’m even telling you? I don’t care if you say go away Jo, never ever. Okay I care but not the point - I just needed to tell you. It’s been eating me alive for weeks. and I don’t care what you think about it. Just because you say don’t, doesn’t mean I’m gonna just drop it and forget it ever happened.” she said with a fierce snarl to her voice. Stubborn to the core. That was miss Jo. “But I can ignore it - I don’t want anything from you. I’d never make you do anything. Ask you to do so. I can stuff it down.” she said quietly after a minute. “But don’t ever talk to me in that self-deprecating tone and hope I’ll just walk away from it like it was one big ole mistake and laugh about it. because Dean, I know you well enough to know what even liking you means.” she rolled her eyes at him and stared at him. "Yeah, well, your mother's a smart woman," Dean pointed out. "None of that changes the fact that I'm no good for you to be hung up on. I'm the guy who gives last night on earth speeches and volunteers to check out the local bar on a job so that I can end the day without it being all work." He frowned. Not that he'd been that guy for a year, but he wasn't in any better shape now than he had been before. Dean let out a tired sigh and eyed his poor, abandoned burger. "I don't know what to tell you, Jo. If you know the kind of person I am so well, then you'll know I'm just being honest. I don't know what you want me to say. If you'd said yes that night, the only regret I'd have had was hurting you because that's all it would have been. I care about you, damnit you know I do. I'd do anything in the world for you, but I'm just not the guy who's gonna be able to make you happy." Suddenly, Dean was overcome by how much he missed Lisa and Ben. He wondered, vaguely, if he had made their lives even a little bit happier or if his own grief had been just as poisonous to them as it had been to him—it wasn't like he'd been the best judge at the time. Clearly, he was awful at being that guy. He opened his mouth to say something else but found no words so he closed his mouth once more. Jo just humored him for the moment with a shake of her head and a smile. “If you knew me, Dean, you‘d know once I set a goal, I tend to get it. I’m stubborn and it’s who I am.” she smiled at him. “I don’t need you to accept it all. I just wanted to tell you.” she smirked at him, overcome with a warm, kind feeling that she wasn’t entirely used to. “Shut up you big idiot - I wish you’d just stop for five minutes and understand, I’m not trying to guilt trip you. Or make you feel anything.” she stared at her fries before continuing on. “For heaven’s sake, Dean, I’ve chased Hunters since I could walk. I wish I knew what you think would make me happy. Because I tried normal once. I think we all do at some point, right? Normal? Is not for me.” she shook her head and pushed to her feet and sunk down on his side of the table just enough to give him a hug. Nothing else. No motions for anything. Just a hug. “I don’t care if you hate me for this. Or ignore me. Or run off and tell Sam and I get bitched out later for it. You mean the world to me. Even if you think you’re not good enough for me. Do with it as you will, Dean. I just had to tell you. Get it out there.” she planted a kiss on his forehead, chaste of course, but conveyed no matter what she held no hard feelings, then stood back up, hands on her hips, looking down at him. “Did you know both Sam and Veronica have been trying to get me to go date people here in the city?” she laughed softly “You know how I know that I’m at peace with my hang up and choices? I tried - I met people, I tried dates, but no one understands my nervous twitches, why dogs make me both angry and terrified at the same time, the nightmares - no one gets them enough to not run away at first sight of them.” she shook her head, laughing softly. “Here I am making your week shitty, and you utterly uncomfortable, I’m really sorry Dean. That wasn’t what I wanted to do. But you have to understand - it was driving me nuts.” she hoped he’d understand. She plunked down in her seat and took a sip of her water. Dean was stupidly frozen in place the entire time he saw Jo moving toward him, hugging him, kissing his forehead. When she stood back up, he took in a deep breath—he hadn't realized he'd been worried as to what she was going to do until then—and said, "Jo, why would I hate you? I'm not … mad at you for what you're saying. I don't not care what you're saying, but I'm not upset." Sam would be laughing his ass off at Dean right now if he knew he was having this conversation. "And you haven't ruined my week by telling me," he finished. Though he was absolutely uncomfortable, he didn't mention that part. When she took to her water, Dean followed the cue and picked up his burger for another bite, chewing in tense (or so he perceived) silence. Swallowing down the bite, he cleared his throat and looked up at Jo. "So this is awkward," he pointed out, half-grinning in equal awkwardness. She gave him a look “Um because I just totally admitted I’m somewhat head over heels for you and you’re all being You?” she said with a tilt of her head at him. “If you didn’t care what I was saying, I’d have to slap you stupid. Or punch you in the face again.” she teased. She wasn’t stupid, she knew he was uncomfortable. SHE was uncomfortable. That whole emotions thing wasn’t really his or her’s forte. Sam was way better at it than either one of them. She wasn’t tense -not now. She felt GREAT. Okay - not great. She just told someone she deeply cares about on many levels that she loved him. It was awkward at best. But she felt better for it. “Awkward?” she flung a fry at him. “Nah this is just a weird world - we’re being all girlie, all emotional. Best not tell Sam, he might tease us into the next century” Jo let him see a smile - genuine, wide and truly happy. He could believe he’d never make her happy but she knew better. Even if she never said it to him again. |