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Tweak says, "I love Andie!"

Willow Danielle Rosenberg - Buffyverse (extraflamey) wrote in thedisplaced,
@ 2017-11-19 02:52:00

Entry tags:

!log/thread, tara maclay, willow rosenberg

Who: Willow & Tara
What: Awkward run ins during research time
Where: Casa de Buffy
When: Nov 19th - Eeeeaaarrrly morning (1am)
Warnings: Awkward, and fluff.

Part of her ideals and understandings of the socio-cultural environment surrounding homosexuality and homosexual practices was a bit antiquated considering the time period she was from against the time period she was now in. The internet had solved that misunderstanding quite quickly, and rather forcefully. Some of the communities talking about these things had some very strong opinions about this stuff.

That then lead down another whole train of thought. How did people know they were gay? Sure, she’d asked Prompto and Vanille how they’d figured it out - they both seemed to just know - and what they had both said had made a lot of sense. Especially, that whole part where Prompto had told her that sometimes people just went for people, and it was just a connection you felt with specific individuals. And once they did sort of iron out if they were gay or not, did their relationships work any differently? Being raised and coming from SoCal Willow couldn’t imagine they could, but at the exact same time every subculture had their own things, their own aspects and unspoken rules that should be abided by to be a good respectful member of the community and considering all the other distress she seemed to be causing as of late finding outs to cause less seemed like a blessing.

Even if that ‘out’ to cause less distress meant she was now sitting on her computer looking at the google search results that ‘How do you know if you're gay?’ had brought up. The first link was a wiki article and that seemed…. Potentially promising. And it had pictures too! Pictures were good! Though…. The pictures weren’t helpful charts and graphics much to her dismay and more akin to emotionally descriptive comics. Either way eyes would roam of the numbers, skimming largely the socio-cultural advice aspects, the political sections, until she hit the science bit. Then Willow would stop and fully read, and…. Huh.

Theeeeeeeeeeeeeennnnnnnnnn there was all the next steps about considering your own sexual fantasies and experiences and… Oh boy. This was a lot. This was…. Embarrassing. Maybe she should…. It was late, everyone was probably asleep. It was fine to go get a drink of water and take a breath and come back to her computer after…. Cooling… Down.

Right, okay. So.

Shifting quickly, the computer was placed down onto the coffee table in the living room as Willow stood - no thought given to bringing the screen saver up or locking the screen - and moved out to the kitchen to get a glass of water and…. Take a few minutes to get her own thoughts about flights of fancy to get reigned back in.

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timidwitch
2017-11-19 07:53 pm UTC (link)

Tara was trying to give Willow space and spend time with her simultaneously. It wasn't easy. She knew that Willow wasn't sure of their relationship yet and she didn't want to rush it. She wanted it to be natural, she wanted them to be friends more than anything else. Tara loved Willow, but more than that, they were good friends. She'd rather have a good friend over a girlfriend any day.

Tara came up from the basement in her pjs (an oversized t-shirt and flannel pants) and rubbed her eyes. She was parched from going to bed so early. What was it that did that? You go early and your mouth just dries up? It was weird, Tara didn't want to overthink it. She passed the laptop going towards the kitchen and stopped to peek. It was rude, but she was just wondering what kind of research was going on without her.

Oh. Well. That. Huh.

"Will?" she called as she walked into the kitchen, immediately spotting the other girl.

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extraflamey
2017-11-20 01:49 am UTC (link)

"Yeah?" There was a split second of normalcy before a nervousness to her posturing and vocal tone came in as Willow turned around where she stood in front of the kitchen sink with half of glass of water in hand.

Oh gods.

Of course it was Tara. Of course it was the other woman that she was having all the internalized personal issues and confusion surrounding that should stumble across her right now. The other woman that she might have - maybe - had some rather interesting thoughts about while trying to reflect on her life and feelings and desires like the article had been telling her to.

"Uh, Hey you." A forced smile emerged as she tried to push for a cheerful normalcy. "What are you doing up? It's super late. I thought I was the only one still awake. You know, assuming Buff hasn't run off to dust some poofers." Willow's eyes instantly went wide for a moment, crap. Poofter was slang for gay somewhere wasn't it? Had she just passively insulted Tara without even meaning to?

"Vampires, I mean, unless Buffy's out dusting vampires. Not poofers, or anything remotely related to poof, or poofing, or poofs because Buffy is all sorts of okay with all sorts of poofing, and I'm rambling and being weird and I'm sorry."

She was so screwed. If Tara really knew her as well as the other woman claimed? Tara would see through this nervous rambling for exactly what it was, Willow trying not to talk about more serious topics beause she was spazzing out and didn't know how to handle anything lately at all.

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timidwitch
2017-11-21 07:29 pm UTC (link)

"Ah, I, can't sleep." She said, twirling her hair around her finger nervously. She looked down at the couch to make sure there wasn't a cushion in the way and took a seat. "I don't know if Buffy's out with vampires. She might be at her boyfriend's house. And Caroline is out of town." So they were alone in the house. Tara felt the awkward level in the room rise.

"I can't... I mean... I can't pretend I don't see what you're looking at."

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extraflamey
2017-11-22 03:13 am UTC (link)

"Oh." Well, maybe this was actually going to be... Simple? That would be great. Willow would love for this to be a simple interaction. She'd been so nervous about all of this for so long and the witch was maybe, possibly, sort of, kind of starting to feel like she was hitting her stride in all of this. Hey, there was even a problem here that she could possibly solve!

"Have you tried counting sheep? It sounds really silly but it does work, and then there's meleatonin supplements but I'm not sure if we have any in the house, I could always go check the medicine cabinet." The points about Buffy being out running around doing other things were given a nod. "That's true too. Buffy does like late nights out." Realistically the other woman could be getting a drink at the Bronze or something too. You just could never really know. Though the other housemate being out of town did catch Willow a bit by surprise. Had that been mentioned to her? Had she been so caught up in research and her own issues that she'd completely missed what was going on around her? Oh no... What if Buffy was having problems and she'd been so distracted with herself that.... Oh no. A mental note was made to check in with the other woman as soon as she was back around again.

Seeing Tara shift direction and set herself down in the livingroom Willow would walk herself and her half full glass of water so that she could partially lean in the doorframe while looking at the other woman.

However, that next sentence? That took a minute to process. A minute to connect the dots and Willow face instantly fell.

Oh gods.

Instantly she took another sip out of the glass of water she held. How was she going to.... The water was swallowed down hard, a spike of pain in her throat for a moment with the swallow being caused.

"Oh, um, yeah. That's just... You know. A, uh, it's.... A side project." Wow she sounded lame.

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timidwitch
2017-11-23 01:21 am UTC (link)

"No, it's okay, you don't have to do that. I'm a big girl, I can find melatonin on my own." Tara smiled sweetly, secretly swooning over Willow trying to take care of her. "It's just the holidays coming up, stresses me out. But I don't have to worry about my parents trying to call me or anything, so that's good."

When Willow drank from her glass and made a face from the water, Tara grinned a little. "It's ... it's okay, Will. I'm not going to tell you I caught you. There's no AH HA! Moment here. I just... You could have asked me."

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extraflamey
2017-11-23 09:37 am UTC (link)

Initially what Tara had said would be taken at face value. Tara was an adult who was perfectly capable of taking care of herself. She didn't need some nerdy little awkward red head trying to chase her around and push things on her. Okay, so, maybe there was a little internal anxiety and berating going on here. How dumb had she been? How many times had she made herself look like an idiot in front of Tara? How many more times would she end up looking like some weirdo freak in front of the other woman? How many times was Tara secretly judging her--- No. That thought didn't feel right.

"The holidays can be mega stressful." An intentionally elongated and sympathetic sigh was given as eyes made big - to emphasize the stress of this time of year - shrank back down to normal as the air was dispelled from her lungs. "But! You're here!" A bright smile shone. "With me and Buffy. We won't let anything bad happen." And it was true, they wouldn't let anything happen at all. However, sometimes things just... Happened. Sometimes, things just fell apart. "No parents, no scratchy socks from weird relatives, nothing to worry about at all!" In fact Willow would punctuate this with a bright smile. In fact, that reminded her about the invite from Diana and.... Maybe.... Maybe she could just keep going down this train of thought, maybe she could... Then Tara went on about the screen and.

Distress.

Willow was distressed. The look streaked nakedly across her face. Embarrassment, distress, discomfort and a definite insecurity laid there as well.

"I....." What did she even say in response to someone she was getting to know, who she knew was gay, but was apparently also her lover in another time, who remembered her, but she didn't remember...

"I didn't want to make you uncomfortable." Apparently the truth. The truth was what was going to come spilling out of her mouth when the red head had no other things she could possibly say, and was at a complete loss for everything she felt like she knew. That loss would permeate through her form as her entire posture slumped some.

"I... I didn't know before Buffy told me." Wait. That was a lie. "I mean, I had hints I guess, but I didn't know know, even though I guess I did kind of know a little too." Though at the same time.... "Then the people I'd liked before...." The sentence trailed off a bit as thoughts got louder in her head. "It's..." Silence again as the rambling she'd normally launch into all seemed lost in her own faster than light thoughts, and anxiety ridden body.

"I've been trying to figure this out." A beat. "It's not fair to you if I... I don't know." And that was completely accurate to everything Willow felt. "And you're..." A look was cast at Tara, one that spoke volumes of how Willow wanted to be fair to Tara, wanted to be able to live up to what the other woman wanted of her, wanted to not disappoint Tara or even just herself, wanted.... Willow just....

"I can't do that to you." Because as much as it was frustrating to herself, it was knowing what she must be putting Tara through that really broke her heart. “I don’t want to do that to you. I want….” Willow couldn’t help but chew at her lip for a minute, trying to suss things out, trying to sort her own head.

“I want to be able to come up to you and not worry about if or even how many times I’m going to make you look sad, and I don’t want you to have to feel like you need to hide that because that’s not fair to you either, and it’s not fair to me, or Buffy or anyone that any of this is happening, but it is, and I just, I don’t want to hurt anyone, and I don’t want to upset anyone, and I just want to figure this all out and be done with having all these bad feelings that everyone’s trying to deal with because we all deserve good things that make us smile and be happy and not all torn up about whatever is going on in our own heads and hearts…..” Eyes rose to meet Tara’s.

“Especially you.”

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timidwitch
2017-11-23 07:23 pm UTC (link)

Tara pulled her knees up to her chest, and adjusted her sock. She listened to Willow ramble on nervously and felt terrible. Tara never meant to make Willow like this. She wanted to help-- not make her embarrassed. She looked down at her knees and tried to smile.

"I'm here for you, Will. Even if that means putting my own feelings aside. You don't decide to be gay. It comes naturally. If you're not sure, you're not sure. There's no rush." Her eyes were sad, but her lips were still smiling.

"I appreciate every moment with you. We're friends. And if that's all we're going to be, I'm all right with that. I'd rather have you here in this dimension as my friend than back in Sunnydale as my girlfriend."

She wondered if now was the time to tell Willow about her own future. Tara's future. Or lack thereof. Buffy hadn't broken it to her, and she didn't blame the other woman. How do you tell someone they get killed on the Hellmouth via a gun. And to not be killed magically, therefore not able to be resurrected.

...And the fallout of her death with Willow.

Now wasn't the time. Maybe never was the time. However, if Willow was Googling this, how long before she Googled Buffy The Vampire Slayer?

"Don't worry so much, Willow. We're okay. We're fine."

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extraflamey
2017-11-23 08:22 pm UTC (link)

The constant go around of Willow not wanting to hurt Tara's feelings, but Tara saying she'd put her feelings aside, but Willow not wanting the other woman to ignore her own feelings and well being and ultimately feeling bad that this seemed to be the only solution they could have. It was so incredibly and deeply frustrating. Why couldn't they just get past this? Why couldn't they just have this all figured out and move on? Why did she have to be so...

"No, I just.... It's...." She wasn't trying to decide if she was gay, the red head was sincerely trying to sort through her own head about it all. She hadn't gone for women in the past, but it didn't mean she couldn't. It didn't mean there hadn't been some envious looks at other woman's bodies that maybe weren't just coveting their good looks as her own to better her own stance in life but maybe.... These were the things she was trying to sort out, the puzzle pieces that would all fit together and make a perfectly clear picture of who and what she was.

"It's not a decision. I know that, I'm not trying to decide anything, Tara. I'm just..." What exactly was she trying to do?

"It's a system shock. It's like.... It's like I'm a computer and there was a power surge and now I'm all fried and need someone to do a diagnostic from input overload." Willow frowned at her own attempt at explaining herself. "That's.... That's not right." There was a frustrated deflating in her stance as eyes seemed distant for a moment, searching.

"I think I am?" There was an awkwardness there. "I mean... I've never done anything with a girl, so I guess I can't be sure unless I tried something, but I've done a lot of research, and I've been talking to other gay people in Tumbleweed and...." There was a moment were her words were broken up by a nervous wetting of lips. "What they're saying makes a lot of sense?" Eyes shifted down to fall on the partial glass of water in her hands. "That it's the person who matters, and the connection that matters, not the gender or the parts that come with the person. When.... When I read that from Prompto... It just... It was like a breath of fresh air. It was this huge relief that just made so many things connect in my head, and..." Words trailed off for a moment as she considered everything.

"So, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I... I think I am kinda gay." The fact that Tara was so beautiful too sure as hell didn't help anything. Willow had always been extra awkward when it came to people she liked.

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timidwitch
2017-11-27 08:58 pm UTC (link)

Tara stayed balled up, watching Willow intently. She smiled a little, when the computer parts were mentioned, because Willow was such a nerd.

But she was trying to understand. It felt so much better for her to admit it to herself. Sunnydale was amazing, she could be herself without anyone asking her why she didn't have a boyfriend, or if she wanted kids or if she'd go out with her dad's golf partner's son. She ran away, basically. That made it easy on her.

Then Willow said it. Tara grinned wide. "Good for you, Willow. Admitting it to yourself, or someone else, that's a big step. But don't feel like I'm waiting on you." She would wait forever if she had to. "You don't have to hurry."

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extraflamey
2017-11-29 05:25 am UTC (link)

Even if this all came crashing down in a big ball of burning flame and doom, at least she’d said it.

And saying it?

Whoa. Wow. Big thing. Very big thing. It instantly felt like a huge relief and a whole new stress all at once. It was amazing, and confusing and... Willow wouldn’t have had it any other way. Sure, not everything was figured out, and maybe it’s never fully would be. Not with how things were right now, and maybe things would never be quite right since she’d been taken from her own world now, but this? This was starting to feel less weird And that was at least something right now.

Wait.

“There are steps?” There was a definate tone of shock, worry and disbelief that emerged all a time once before the rapid fire babble began. “Are-are they chronological steps? How many steps? Is this step one?” Oh god’s did she’s hope this wasn’t step one. Perhaps there was just a hint of anxiety raring it’s ugly head in her tone and posturing now too. “Is there -is there a manual I missed? I thought I’d looked everywhere but I couldn’t seem to find anything that was all ‘Hi folks! Here’s how to gay!’.” The voice she made while speaking about how to gay seemed to be an attempt at mimicking a helpful public service announcement as she spoke. It was both a display of her own worry as well as an attempt to interject Levity even if the situation - and mostly her own racing thoughts - threanted to make willow freak herself out.

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timidwitch
2017-12-01 05:53 pm UTC (link)

Tara reached out and put a hand on Willow's shoulder. "Will, there's no set number of steps. Everyone figures it out on their own, at their own pace. Maybe you're done. Maybe you're not. But either way, you're on the right track. Just accept yourself, forgive yourself, and love yourself."

And then she stood up, hand lingering on Willow's shoulder for a moment. "I'm going back to bed... If you need to talk, we'll do it in the morning." She smiled sleepily.

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extraflamey
2017-12-03 08:49 am UTC (link)

The speech was an interesting addition to their evening so far. Did she appear like she didn't forgive herself? Or accept herself? Willow hadn't believed she'd appeared that way but... Sometimes we were the last ones to figure out these things about ourselves. The touch wasn't shied away from at all however and that... That was nice. It was nice not to second guess herself, not to shrink back in fear of upsetting the other woman, and just be here. Now. Like this.

"Are you.... Are you sure you don't need a glass of warm milk? I could heat one up for you." The mild worry, and obvious concern was present in her tone but it was obviously born out of caring than anything else.

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	timidwitch 2017-12-04 01:58 am UTC (link)
	Tara turned back around and smiled fondly at Willow. "No, thank you, Willow. You're sweet, you know that? You always have been." And with that, she went for the stairs to the basement. (Reply to this) (Parent)