InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "Well excuuuuuuse me, princess!"

Alice the Infallible (phosphoromancy) wrote in thedisplaced,
@ 2017-08-15 20:55:00

Entry tags:

alice quinn, max guevara, takashi shirogane / shiro

This was not the outcome I was hoping for.

MAX GUEVARA, TAKASHI SHIROGANE & TEDDY LUPIN

I made a grave error in judgement.

QUENTIN COLDWATER

Can I borrow--

Quentin--

I neeed--

It's Alice.

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	Alice \| Q king_quentin 2017-08-16 01:44 am UTC (link)
	You can ask me for help. [...] I'm sorry. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Alice | Q

phosphoromancy
2017-08-16 02:02 am UTC (link)

I need clothes. My dresses are all too short for this body. I look like I'm walking around in a tee shirt with no pants.

Everything is gone. Every memory I had of traveling and freedom? Everything I learned? It's all gone. It was too much to hold onto and I tried so hard to hold onto it. And now I'm this pitiful shell. I can't even do the simplest of charms. All those years of holding back? Or being afraid of what I was really capable of? And now I'm not capable of anything. And I hate it. I hate it so much. And then I think how much I hate you for doing this to me.

But then I remember how I'd steal your gray hoodie. The one you like so much. And I'd sleep in it because it smelled like you and it made it easier to sleep. Or how we ran for miles in the Arctic when we were foxes. Or that stupid little song you used to sing. And all these memories come back and it makes me miss you so much. And then I remember Eliot and Margo and his fucking arm around you.

I have moments of wanting to go back to how things were before. Before Fillory. Before the Beast. But then I feel like I'm betraying everything else I want because I don't want to be that girl anymore, Quentin. I don't.

[...]

That's why I can't ask you for help. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how I feel about you. I want you but I hate you and it's just back and forth and back and forth and it isn't helping either of us.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Alice | Q

king_quentin
2017-08-16 02:22 am UTC (link)

~~Alice~~ I

I couldn't lose you. Even if you hated me, I couldn't lose you. And I know that I'm not sorry that I brought you back. There was a part of you that wanted to. I just [...] when I found your shade in the Underworld, I was prepared to leave and know that I couldn't save you. But then Julia showed up with your shade instead of her own because she knew. So I can't make myself sorry for bringing you back. I can't.

I'm just [...] didn't mean to be another person that made decisions for you without asking you or considering your feelings. I just figured you'd forgive me one day.

And I was an idiot. I was a fucking idiot. Eliot and Margo? It was a mistake. But I made it. If I had listened to you or tried to practice without it, I might have saved us both. But I can't change that or anything and I hate it. I hate that I hurt you and that I just keep doing it. I hate that sometimes I think you'd be better off without me because ~~I'm not~~ ~~I don't deserve you~~ I just keep doing things.

And I'm sorry I'm making it difficult. I'm sorry, Alice.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Alice | Q

phosphoromancy
2017-08-16 02:34 am UTC (link)

I know. I know. You keep saying it. It's just [...] I was happy Quentin. I was happy with what I was. I can't remember ever feeling that happy with myself in my entire life. It wasn't the way you see it. It almost felt like I was finally what I was always meant to be. And now? Now I don't feel like me. Even with it all slipping away, and all the memories coming back, I still feel like I was more me when I was fire than I am now.

I hate that you did that. I really do. [...] I keep wanting to forgive you. I keep wanting to come to you and to hold you. And whenever I think that, almost immediately, I hate myself for even considering it. I want you and I want to stay away from you. It's maddening.

I know. I know it was. But, Q, it hurts. It hurts so much and I thought I didn't care anymore. Why should I care when I had everything else once I was free of you? But I don't have everything and I don't have the fire and I'm just that stupid, pathetic girl again. And fuck. Q. I miss you. I miss Eliot. Hell, I miss fucking Margo. But then, I don't. It's so turbulent in my head whenever I think of any of you.

I don't think it is possible for this not to be difficult. I just don't know how much longer I can stay angry.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Alice | Q

king_quentin
2017-08-16 02:50 am UTC (link)

~~I wasn't anything. I felt empty. Everyone else was moving on and moving forward and I was stuck. I keep losing people~~ It should have been me. Not the Niffin part. ~~The dead part~~ I should have been the one to face the Beast.

I'm a fuck up. ~~I'm not good for anyone. I'm not good for myself~~ Pretty sure I was born that way. You're not stupid or pathetic, Alice. You're human. I know you think that synonymous, but it isn't. Having feelings doesn't make you pathetic or stupid. Being human doesn't make you pathetic or stupid. You're the most amazing person I've ever known and your smart and talented. You do pretty much anything you set your mind to and you sacrificed everything for us.

[...] Just promise something?

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Alice \| Q phosphoromancy 2017-08-16 02:55 am UTC (link)
	You'd be dead. That's not what I want. I'm not? Because I feel like I am. I have been gone what? Less than a week? ~~And I~~ Do you know how badly I want to come back? To just forgive you and beg you to forgive me? It feels pathetic. No. I'm not. I'm nothing anymore. What? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Alice \| Q king_quentin 2017-08-16 03:03 am UTC (link)
	~~It would be better~~ You're not. You are. Just [...] give yourself time. ~~You're everything~~ Be happy. Whatever that means. Wherever that is. Just [...] give yourself a chance. You're worth everything. You deserve everything. ~~I love you~~ So just [...] find a way to be happy. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Alice \| Q phosphoromancy 2017-08-16 03:05 am UTC (link)
	I don't know how to be happy anymore. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Alice \| Q king_quentin 2017-08-16 03:28 am UTC (link)
	I know that. I know. Just try to find a way. Any way. Except hurting yourself. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Alice \| Q phosphoromancy 2017-08-16 03:45 am UTC (link)
	It wasn't about hurting myself. It was about trying to burn. There's a difference. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Alice \| Q king_quentin 2017-08-16 03:50 am UTC (link)
	But you were hurting yourself. I still think you should consider going to see someone. They might be better at helping you with this. I just complicate everything. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Alice \| Q phosphoromancy 2017-08-16 03:54 am UTC (link)
	Is it hurting myself when I feel like myself was free of tangible form? Maybe. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Alice \| Q king_quentin 2017-08-16 03:59 am UTC (link)
	It's not anymore. You're not invincible. If you burn yourself it's going to hurt. Just consider it. If you consider it, I'll consider it. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Alice \| Q phosphoromancy 2017-08-16 04:09 am UTC (link)
	It hurt when I burned the last time, Q. Fine. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Alice \| Q king_quentin 2017-08-16 04:13 am UTC (link)
	That fire isn't going to make you a Niffin. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Alice \| Q phosphoromancy 2017-08-16 04:15 am UTC (link)
	I know. I've been behaving. No matches. (Reply to this) (Parent)

	Alice \| Q phosphoromancy 2017-08-27 04:55 am UTC (link)
	Shiro is bringing me clothes. (Reply to this) (Parent)

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