InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "You're my mariah"

_withoutacause (_withoutacause) wrote in the_recruitment,
@ 2012-03-04 21:13:00

Entry tags:

! 03/1977, ! thread, char: lily evans, char: sirius black

Who: Sirius, Lily
What: Some much needed talking
When: Saturday night (technically Sunday morning) around 1
Where: Hospital wing
Rating: PG-PG 13 depending on what they talk about
Status: Incomplete

Sirius waited until the castle was completely still before slipping out of the Tower and down to the Hospital wing. He'd been avoiding it like the plague, the guilt eating him from the inside out. Lily was alive (and when he heard she was, Merlin, it was like he'd gotten ten years of his life back), but she was hurt, badly. And that was entirely Sirius' fault. He would never be able to look her in the eye again.

He didn't deserve to see her, not at all. He deserved to be rotting somewhere after what he'd done. But he'd promised Remus that wouldn't happen again, and he still had the faded looking scars on his wrists to remind him of it. No, he wouldn't take the cowards way out, but that didn't mean he expected Lily to ever want to speak to him again. Hell, he kind of hoped she'd curse him, that at least was something he could understand.

But at the same time he had to see her. He knew from James that she was doing better, that most of the damage had faded (and what kind of fucking coward did that make him, that he'd waited for the visible proof to fade before making even this pitiful attempt at checking up on her?) but he needed to see for himself. He just had to make sure she was breathing, and then maybe he could banish the picture of her lying still and cold on the ground that had been lodged in his head for the last merlin only knows how long.

He pushed the door open silently and crept to her bedside. She was asleep, hair spread around her like a burnished halo, and Sirius wanted to cry. How could he even look at her? He pressed his fists into his eyes and took a deep breath before reached out and placing his fingertips against her pulse. Strong. Present. Alive. He took another shuddering breath and turned to go, he'd already overstayed his welcome.

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doed
2012-03-05 07:08 am UTC (link)

Lily had been dreaming of a cold floor and distant screams. Her sleep had always been disturbed of late and it was strange that she wasn't already awake. She had tried to stay up as late as possible so she wouldn't have to suffer through her nightmares.

Through her sleep, she felt someone touch her and she stirred, shaking her head before her eyes snapped open. She looked around, wondering what had woken her, thankful for it. She didn't see Sirius at first, but when she turned her head towards the door, she recognized his familiar shag of hair.

"It's about time you came to visit," she said, her head turned towards him and a smile on her face. "Why did you keep away for so long? I've been waiting to see you but you haven't come. But I'm glad you came now." She reached her hand out to him, as if beckoning him back.

"Don't go yet. I could use some company. I'd rather not sleep right now."

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_withoutacause
2012-03-05 04:55 pm UTC (link)

She was clearly still mostly asleep, probably in pain, on potions, she didn't know what she was saying. Maybe she didn't realize who it was? In the dark, from the back, he could be anyone. He didn't turn, he couldn't stand to see a welcome in her eyes, and he didn't want her to see him cry.

"I didn't mean to wake you up," he said quietly, voice almost monotone. She would recognise him for sure now. "I just needed to," make sure you were alright. "But I'm going now, don't worry."

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doed
2012-03-05 06:58 pm UTC (link)

She frowned, lowering her arm when he didn't even turn to look at her. She had been baffled by his scribbled out comments in her journal, wondering why he wouldn't speak with her or why he hadn't even come to visit. She was sure he would be the one to bounce in with too much energy and help her forget the nightmares. But this Sirius, the one who couldn't even look at her, hurt.

"No, it's ok. Sirius, don't leave, please. I don't want to go to sleep. The nightmares..." She let her sentence fade off, chewing the inside of her lip. "Just for a little bit, please? I'm sure you won't get in trouble for visiting."

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	_withoutacause 2012-03-05 07:15 pm UTC (link)
	Nightmares. Of course she would have nightmares. And how could he refuse her when they were his fault? He turned slowly to face her, hoping the dark would hide the tear tracks slipping silently down his cheeks. "I'm so sorry Lily," he said brokenly. "I know I don't deserve it, but I am so sorry" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

doed
2012-03-05 07:18 pm UTC (link)

"Sirius, what would you be sorry for?" This conversation was getting very confusing and he still wouldn't come by the bed. She beckoned him over with her hand, hoping he would come over. "Come over here. I know there aren't other people in here but it's better to have a conversation closer together, don't you think?" She gave him a smile, hoping that would ease whatever kind of tension he might have been feeling. Something wasn't right in the situation and she wanted to know what it was.

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_withoutacause
2012-03-05 08:13 pm UTC (link)

The last thing Sirius wanted to do was get any closer, but he owed Lily too much to ignore anything she asked him.

He made a futile attempt to wipe the tears from his cheeks before walking up beside her. She looked so tired, so worn, and the guilt threatened go overwhelm him again. His wrists began to itch, as if damning him for not even being able to get that right.

"It's all my fault. Everything that happened to you, it's because of me."

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doed
2012-03-05 08:48 pm UTC (link)

She smiled as he walked closer and she reached out, taking his hand in hers and pulling him down on the bed. "There, much better," she said, finally getting a good look at her friend. Her smile soon faded and turned to another frown when she looked at his face. His eyes were red and...were those tear trails? His words confused her even more and she shook her head.

"Sirius, what are you talking about? You're being all mysterious and strange and I don't quite follow. First you don't visit and then when you do it's in the middle of the night and you even hesitate to come over? What's going on?" She reached out to brush a bit of his hair back, a concern look in her eyes.

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_withoutacause
2012-03-05 09:33 pm UTC (link)

Sirius stared at her, incredulous.

"Lily, how can you even ask me that after what I did to you? How can you even look me in the eye?" He looked away, desperatly wanting to stand but not daring to break the gentle hold she had on him.

"I gave you to those monsters. I pushed you right into Bellatrix's arms! I thought, I though you were DEAD!" The last word all but exploded out of him as he doubled over, chest heaving as he desprately tried to keep from crying.

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doed
2012-03-05 09:45 pm UTC (link)

Lily listened to what he said, her face scrunched up, trying to remember. Sirius giving her to...to Bellatrix? She shook her head, trying to remember. Everything was a haze, but flashes came here and there. She had met with Dominic...the agreement yes. She remembered that. But then something had happened...something bad after that.

She looked at Sirius, knowing he was beating himself up over what had happened. She had to admit, it hurt that he would betray her like that, but she also had a feeling that this was part of the "evil" side of Sirius. They still hadn't been able to figure out what it was that caused Sirius to act that way he did, but she knew it wasn't really him; not the Sirius Black she knew and came to care about.

"Sirius..." She reached out, a hand going to his back and rubbing it in small circles. "I know it wasn't really you who did that. It was that other part, the one you can't quite remember." She tried to catch his eye. "Don't beat yourself up about this Sirius. It's not your fault." She heard him sniffle and lightly hit him on the back. "Are you crying? Sirius Black, come here." She tugged on his arm a little more, trying to pull him down so he would lay down next to her.

"Sirius, look at me. This is not your fault. If it's anyone's, it's mine for opening my big mouth. If I could just learn to be a normal person and know when to shut up, I wouldn't have been taken." She looked at him, giving him a small smile. "I'm not dead, something I think we can both be grateful for. So there's no use to dwell on the past. What happened, happened. But I'm alright now so we can only go forward from here, right?"

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	_withoutacause 2012-03-05 10:17 pm UTC (link)
	Sirius couldn't help himself, he turned and pulled Lily into a tight hug. This whole month had just been... "It's the worst thing I've done," he whispered into her hair. "and I can't even remember it." he laughed brokenly, hating himself more than ever. "I'm just so glad you're alive," (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

doed
2012-03-05 10:25 pm UTC (link)

Lily hugged him back, giving him a tight squeeze. "We'll figure this out Sirius, whatever is going on with you. We'll figure it out so we can stop it and you can go back to being yourself. Can you believe I actually miss your inappropriate comments?" She smiled, giving him a teasing punch in the shoulder.

"You know, I'm glad I'm alive too. Someone's gotta keep you happy, right?" She raised a mocking eyebrow, hoping to loosen him up a little.

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	_withoutacause 2012-03-05 10:40 pm UTC (link)
	Sirius laughed, and if it wasn't his usual boisterous bark it was still better than anything else he'd done lately. "Merlin Lily," he wiped his eyes and shook his head. "How do you do it? How do you brighten up everything you touch?" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

doed
2012-03-05 10:51 pm UTC (link)

Lily felt her heart melt a little. She didn't know Sirius felt that way with her and it was nice to hear. She gave a small shrug of the shoulders, not wanting to show how much it affected her.

"I just try and stay positive," she said. "The only thing you can do when you hit rock bottom, right? At least I hope this is rock bottom. If it isn't, I don't even want to think what could be worse!" She grinned, happy to at least have him laughing.

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	_withoutacause 2012-03-06 01:32 am UTC (link)
	Sirius gave her a bemused half smile. She really was incredible. No wonder James was in love with her. "Lils," He rubbed his hand over his face, then wrapped an arm around her shoulders. "Shit, I have no idea what to say." He laughed again, but this time it was slightly bitter. "Would you lend me a little of your spine? I think mines gone missing." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

doed
2012-03-06 02:12 am UTC (link)

She laughed, shaking her head and giving him another hug. "Then don't say anything. Can you stay a little bit longer? I'd rather not sleep right now." She gave him a small smirk.

"Tell me what's been going on here though! I want to make it seem like I haven't left." She settled back in the pillows, happy to have Sirius here. Now she understood why he had been away. He always punished himself so easily and she didn't want that. If anything it made her more determined to help him and figure out what was going on.

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_withoutacause
2012-03-06 02:24 am UTC (link)

Sirius settled against her, enjoying their easy companionship despite himself. He wracked his brain for something to say, for anything that had happened lately...

~~Well, first I gave you too my psycho cousin to be tortured, then I tried to off myself, oh! And we had scallops for dinner...~~

"Um, well, classes happend, I guess," not that he'd really been going. "Uh, someone turned the quidditch pitch into a swimming pool, which is just sad since we did that in second year. No origonal thinkers anymore."

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doed
2012-03-06 02:42 am UTC (link)

"A pity. You guys will have to think of something even better this upcoming year. Leave the school with something to remember you by." She smiled, happy for a more casual, easy going conversation. Before she would have only rolled her eyes at the pranks, but she was beginning to see the hilarity in them. As long as people weren't hurt, she didn't see the harm in them anymore.

They talked long into the night and Lily was finally beginning to feel her eyelids droop. She saw light starting to trickle in through the windows and she yawned. "Sirius, I'm sorry to keep you up so late! At least you won't have any classes tomorrow." She smiled, feeling tired enough not to dream. "You'll come back and visit though? Please?"

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