Lia Ryan-Pollard (bettertobreak) wrote in the_dome, @ 2013-05-05 17:40:00 |
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Entry tags: | 03-27-2017, lia, lia and riley, riley |
Reunited
Who: Riley and Lia
Where: On Elm, heading toward the lake
When: Mid-afternoon
Warnings: None
Riley glanced upward toward the dome he couldn’t see, the brim of his stetson shielding his eyes somewhat from the pleasant glow of the artificial lighting he hadn’t known was artificial until it had gone out a couple days ago. He was astride his usual mount, a chestnut named Loki, wandering down from one end of the dome to the other in search of a little solitude and a swim at the lake near the lumber yard.
Lost in thought, wondering just when people would really start to panic and he’d have to think more about security for his cattle, he almost didn’t notice the woman in his peripheral vision. But some part of him must have registered that he wasn’t alone for he turned and looked straight at her. For a moment he simply smiled, tapped the edge of his hat to her politely as he would anyone else he’d come in contact with. Then suddenly he ripped the hat from his head, eyes wide, his heart in his throat before he realized what was happening and settled back down again in his saddle. Shaking his head, he repositioned his hat on his head and made to move on again, clicking his tongue to Loki.
“Oh for heaven’s sake, couldn’t you ghosts do better than that?” he muttered, somewhat miffed he was seeing them again.
Lia was outside of her house on the corner of Elm and Lakewood, having just dropped her daughter off a few houses down to play with the Henry, a cute little blonde boy who was only a year older than Sophia and just as happy for a friend as Sophia seemed to be. Lia had hung around for a few minutes, talking to Henry's mother, before deciding to return home where she could get some cleaning done before it was Sophia's naptime.
She saw the man atop the horse just as she reached her yard. Lia was no longer surprised to see people riding horses around the dome, because now it was just a normal mode of transportation. It was the man who caught her attention. It was the face underneath the cowboy hat that he had yanked off his head as he stared back at her. The face that Lia recognized. More than recognized. It was a face Lia knew, and knew well. It was as if someone doused her with a bucket of ice water, and Lia gaped at him, finding herself paralyzed.
And then he replaced his hat and began to ride away from her and Lia blinked once, parting her lips to speak. Nothing came, so she took several steps toward the horse, frustrated that her throat seemed to have closed up. He was getting farther away and Lia somehow managed to get her feet to move faster. She ran another steps down the sidewalk, finally finding her voice.
"Riley!" It was possible it wasn't him. In fact, the odds were pretty great that she was hallucinating, just seeing what she wanted to see. But it looked so much like him, and the way he looked at her... Lia just had to make sure, for her own sanity.
Well, that was different. The ghosts had never spoken before. Which was such an obtuse thought that Riley almost laughed at himself for having it. Of course it wasn’t a ghost. Of course not. The thought that perhaps he was dreaming occurred to him and was also discarded because he simply couldn’t maintain it in the face of the empirical evidence that there was indeed a flesh and blood woman calling his name. With Lia’s mouth. Coming toward him with Lia’s body.
Riley pulled Loki around and the horse plodded to a stop beside the woman with Lia’s eyes. He took his hat off again, eyeing her quietly. A million questions were on the tip of his tongue but he felt strangely calm when probably he should have felt frenetic and overwhelmed. After a long moment he simply asked, “How?”
Lia wasn't sure how to react. She wasn't sure what to say, or what to do. The fact of the matter was, Lia wasn't thinking about the past. What had happened, and what she had done. All she was thinking was Riley was right there, looking down at her from his horse, speaking to her. It was his voice, his eyes and nose and lips. How was a very good question. How was he here? As far as Lia knew, Riley was supposed to be in Australia. A part of her had simply assumed he had died. But no, he was here. In the flesh.
Realizing that she hadn't responded to him yet, Lia brought her hands up to her mouth, completely overwhelmed. There were far too many conflicting emotions coursing through her, and she didn't know if she wanted to scream, cry or laugh. Maybe a mixture of all three. "Oh my god, it's you." Lia reached out to touch his leg, just to make sure she hadn't completely cracked, but pulled back at the last moment. "What... how are you here?"
Riley’s brows furrowed, partially from frustration and partially because he was confused by this all. She was supposed to be dead. Years ago. He’d never seen a grave but he hadn’t had to because she’d been gone. His parents had explained in such detail with so many tears for his pain. If she hadn’t been dead he never would’ve thrown himself into 2 more years of service then trekked thousands of miles away from home trying to escape the ghosts.
Only to end up right here. Face to face with her and she was as alive as he was. It was a beautiful dream and a nightmare all in one breath and he wasn’t sure what to do with his hands so he dismounted and held the reins tightly in one hand, his hat in the other, knuckles white. “How are you here?” he asked, his voice slightly rough with emotion. “You’re supposed to be dead.” And he couldn’t help but put it that bluntly.
Lia stepped back when Riley began to dismount from his horse. She kept her hands clasped together, pressed against her chin, because she wasn't sure what to do with them either. She wanted to throw herself at him, embrace him and prove to herself that he was really real, because a small part of her was still doubting it. Lia parted her lips to answer his question, but found herself unsure as to how. She was still so overcome with emotion at seeing Riley that she had nearly forgotten about everything that she had done years ago. Her brows drew together in confusion before she shook her head and lowered her hands from her lips. "No, I'm not dead. We... I came here when it opened." When had he come to the States? How long had he been there? How many times had Lia maybe passed him in the Dome and not even realized it?
No, obviously she wasn’t dead. He could almost feel the warmth of her now that he was so close. He still felt unnaturally calm but part of him realized that it had to be shock. He’d dreamed about her in the past years. Dreamed about seeing her again; not with the hope of actually doing so for real but in the way you dream and your mind believes that the dream is reality. And he’d always run to her, overwhelmed with joy to see her alive and healthy. He’d always taken her in his arms, lifted her off the ground and kissed her. But dreams were no preparation for actually seeing her face to face. Because in the dreams he never felt angry.
He felt angry now. Not outraged. Maybe not even with her. A dull burn in the back of his mind reminded him of how he’d grieved and run and put the past behind him as best he could. Yet here was the past, in his face, and he had no idea what to do. “They said you were dead. They told me. And our baby. We had a baby. And you died. You’re dead.”
Shock was definitely an accurate word for how Lia was feeling. She still wasn't entirely positive that this wasn't a dream of some kind. But Riley was standing so close she could reach out and touch him if she wanted to. And she wanted to. But his next words distracted her and Lia frowned as her confusion deepened. If she had been thinking clearly, Lia would have realized that her parents, or his, might have been the ones to tell him something so terrible. Something that would dissuade him from trying to find her. She knew Riley's parents had been upset with her, blaming their son for her misery, taking their granddaughter away from them. And her own parents? Well, Lia wasn't entirely sure how they had felt with her behavior and decision to run away with no notice, with no care to their feelings. She would probably never know due to her own bad decisions and stubbornness. "Who told you I died?" she asked, her voice hoarse. He thought she had died. She and his daughter.. Sophia. Just a few houses away. A sense of dread began seep into her. Lia had been so overwhelmed by seeing her husband again that Lia had almost forgotten about Sophia.
Riley’s hands on Loki’s reins went slack and the horse wandered a few feet away to nibble the grass growing on the edge of the road. His mind was clearing from the shock and he was more able to gather his thoughts though he was still reeling a bit from the realization that not only was Lia not dead, but his parents had fabricated her death in minute detail to him. He couldn’t even be upset with them for that because he couldn’t think about that right now.
“My... my parents. But it doesn’t matter. You’re alive. You’re flesh and blood? You’re not one of those apparitions everyone was seeing a few days ago?” He knew she wasn’t but he wanted to hear her say it. Wanted to hear her voice again because it was flooding him with happy memories he had all but forgotten. Things pushed out to the furthest edges of his mind in order to grieve and move forward were pouring back in.
His parents. That made sense, she supposed. Lia felt a small spark of anger inside of her gut, but ultimately she ignored it. Getting upset wasn't going to fix anything, or make this situation any easier. Exhaling again, Lia managed a small smile and shook her head. "I'm not a ghost. Are you?" This couldn't possibly be a dream, could it? Had she dropped Sophia off at her friend's house and then fallen asleep on the couch at home? Unable to help herself, she reached out to touch his arm, needing to feel for herself.
How often had he felt like a ghost in the past? Especially when the pain of her death had been much fresher. He had thought he’d never re-awaken some days but he’d managed to pull through it and come out the other side a bit duller in spirit but still alive. But she wasn’t gone. Not dead. Did that mean she’d simply left him? Had that been the actual pain his parents had tried to spare him? A new set of questions began formulating in his mind; another brew of anger started to simmer. Quietly he said, “I’m not a ghost, no. Our daughter? Is she-?”
Lia had been waiting for him to ask. Dreading it even. She paled at his question and glanced behind her shoulder in the direction of their home. Suddenly it felt like the wrong place to be discussing any of this, out in the open where she couldn't retreat or escape to another room, lock the door and hide from the look in Riley's eyes. Lia was not prepared for this, not by a long shot, and she floundered as she searched for the right words to say. Finally she brought her gaze back to his face, wanting to appear calm even if there was a storm of panic brewing inside of her. "Sophia," Lia said quietly. "She's six."
Riley tried to follow the direction of her gaze but she could’ve been looking at any of a number of houses on the street. Or she might be avoiding his eyes because hers held regret. He let out a soft breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding when she didn’t say their daughter hadn’t survived somewhere along the way. Six though. He’d still been thinking of her in terms of an infant. Six. Six years he hadn’t been with her. Loving her. Holding her. Spoiling her. Keeping her safe... He balled his fists, crumpling the brim of his stetson and not caring.
“Sophia.” He wanted to ask to see her but he also wasn’t sure now was the right time. If Lia would even allow him into her life, she needed to be prepared. Not shocked. He wondered what Lia had told their daughter about why Daddy wasn’t around. He gritted his teeth, forcing his face not to reflect his inner turmoil. “Sophia.” He nodded. “Do you- No. What do we do right now, Lia? I’m out of my depth.”
If he had asked to see Sophia, Lia would have said no without hesitation. It didn't mean he would never meet his daughter, just... not yet. Sophia was Lia's world, her reason for living, and she couldn't just bring a man who was essentially a stranger into their lives and introduce him to Sophia as her father. Despite her past mistakes, Lia had no qualms about fighting Riley on that much. But hopefully he wouldn't push her to dig her heels into the ground where Sophia was concerned.
"I don't know," Lia answered with an air of exasperation. For once in her life, she didn't have all the answers. Or any of them. "I never expected this to happen. I don't know what to do, Riley. I'm still trying to process the fact that you're even here."
“What the hell happened?” he asked, his voice only rising slightly from the calm as a surge of irritation rushed through him. How could she not have a thought on that subject? She had a thought on everything! Or she had. And perhaps motherhood and the zombies and everything else in the interim had changed her just as he’d been changed by all he’d gone through since she’d been gone and never coming back. “Why are you here? A million miles from home with our daughter?”
"Why are you here?" Lia felt her defenses rise along with the volume of his voice. She crossed her arms against her chest, as if it would protect her from his anger and the onslaught of guilt. Having always hated it when someone answered a question with another question, Lia lowered her voice, suddenly very aware that they were outside where anyone could see or overhear them. And this was really no one else's business. "This isn't really the place for this, Riley. Why don't you come inside and we... we can talk." There was no danger of Sophia coming home yet, and they would have some privacy.
Riley bristled slightly at her defensiveness. She hadn’t any right to be on the defensive! She was the one who’d left! He was always coming back. She’d died. Mentally he shook off those thoughts because they were simply too counterproductive. And because he still loved her. He knew too that his anger would dissipate fairly quickly. It always did where Lia was concerned. So he kept his mouth shut for a moment to formulate a kinder answer because putting a further wedge between them wasn’t going to get them anywhere. But she suggested they move inside and he was inclined to agree with her. They’d so far been quiet but they’d no doubt attract attention eventually. “I- you’re right, it’s not.” He walked a few paces to Loki, reining in the horse and re-joining Lia. “Lead the way unless you’d rather ride back to my place?”
The last thing Lia wanted, or needed, was to argue with Riley. It was bound to happen eventually, but as she had already said, now was not the time or place. Her heart was still pounding in her chest and every time she looked at him, it was like a jolt of electricity to her system. How on earth had Riley ended up in the States? More than that, in Delphi? There were eleven domes, and they both found themselves in the same one. Was it coincidence? Fate? Lia hadn't decided yet. It was amazing that she had yet to succumb to all the emotions overwhelming her. "No, it's fine. I live right there," Lia explained, pointing to the house on the corner. She didn't want to be too far away in case Sophia needed her. Leading Riley and his horse, Lia was thankful she had a tree in the front yard for him to tie the animal up. She moved quickly, wanting to get inside to familiar surroundings where she may feel more in control. It wasn't as if she could rely on small talk, like the weather. This wasn't some random stranger Lia was getting to know in the dome, after all. "You can tie the horse up there if you want," Lia said, motioning to the tree. "Or around one of the posts around the porch."
Riley capped his head with his stetson then followed dutifully to the tree indicated. He wrapped the reins around a low branch. He was loathe to leave the horse out of his sight but right now there were more important things to be dealt with. If he lost his horse to rustlers inside the dome, so be it. He suddenly had no idea what to do with his hands again because part of him wanted to grab her into his arms and hold her. He wanted to touch her face, feel her warmth, reassure himself she was indeed real. Instead he tucked them into the pockets of his jeans, intensely aware of the fact that he was going to track dust into her house. “I hope you have a place for me that won’t be completely ruined after I’ve sat on it, mate.” He offered her a slightly amused smile, trying to break through some of the ice if possible.
Lia opened the front door and stepped inside before moving out of the way so he could join her. The last thing she was worried about was dust and dirt and it showed in the look she gave him. "I have a six year old. After awhile you learn to accept that nothing will ever be one hundred percent clean, ever again." She kept her hand clutched around the door knob to close it behind him. Like Riley, she had to fight the urge to touch him some more. Take the hat off of his head and run her fingers through his hair, the way she used to do when had been together. Before he joined the army and ruined everything. Lia felt a familiar pang in her chest, dulled from time, but still painful. She tried to ignore it before leading him down the hall to the living room where they could sit. The house was cozy enough, and tidy. There were many clues that a child lived there, beyond a couple toys Lia had managed to find, or buy, scattered here and there. "Are you thirsty?"
Riley’s brows quirked at the expression she gave him and he smiled a bit more with a nod. That was a familiar look and he’d missed it. In trying to let go of his anger, at least for the moment, he was feeling sentimentality creep in slowly filling in cracks and filling him with a more peaceful calm than he’d had earlier from the shock of seeing her. They’d barely started to learn each other when they’d married and he’d gone to war. Seeing the lovely home she’d managed to create for her and Sophia, he was struck again by just how much he had missed. How much he felt cheated out of by decisions they’d both made. But he wasn’t angry right now. That could wait until he had a better handle on what the hell was even happening.
“Parched,” he admitted, standing formally almost, having taken his hat off as he followed her to the living room.
The kitchen and living room were separated only by an extremely small dining area, so Lia was able to still see and talk to Riley as she rummaged through a cabinet for two glasses. She was thankful to have something to do with her hands. Glancing at him, Lia pulled an ice cube tray from the freezer. "Make yourself at home." It was the polite thing to say when you have a guest, but Lia regretted it the moment it slipped past her lips. Riley was more than a guest. And maybe if things had been different, this would have been his home. Or they would have been together somewhere, and not in this dome at all. Maybe. She turned back to the glasses to place a couple ice cubes in them before filling them with water. There were no personal photos for Riley to look at, but for a small, framed photo on the coffee table of Lia and Sophia, taken the day Sophia was born. It was the only photo Lia had managed to salvage when the country went to Hell and she'd had to leave almost everything else behind. After replacing the ice cube tray in the freezer, Lia carried the glasses of water to the living room, offering one to Riley.
Riley watched her leave and settled on the edge of a chair, feeling large and out of place. Which he mostly was. Because this was not his home. There wasn’t even a hint of him here. A sliver of pain snaked through him to have been so excluded when he’d always wanted them. Wanted Lia back in his life. He would have done anything to have fixed things, make her not dead. And here she was, not dead. Moved on from him, it felt. The playing field was so unlevel and they were in her house so she had the advantage and he knew it. Whatever she said from this moment on would be how it was.
When she came back, he took the glass from her hand, his eyes lingering on the photograph of Sophia’s birth. “She’s beautiful,” he murmured and took a long sip, eyes flickering to Lia after a moment.
Admittedly, Lia had spent the last few years trying to move on from Riley, her family... everyone. On some level, she had succeeded. But on others, she had failed miserably. Having Riley here in the flesh, sitting on her couch, reminded her of those particular failures. It was terribly hard to admit what an idiot she had been. Lia sat down beside him, her hands clutched around the glass in her hand. She wasn't thirsty, but she needed something to hold onto. Her gaze fell to the photo, and Lia couldn't help but smile at the sight of Sophia as a newborn. "She has your eyes," Lia told him after a moment. Her throat felt tight from the unexpected rise of emotion. "It was the first thought I had when she looked at me for the first time."
He hated that he felt nervous in this situation. It had used to be so easy between them but that was a lifetime ago. He wondered if she still wore their rings. He’d left his behind when he’d gone to war, To keep yours company, he’d said. He’d never seen it again and had assumed they’d buried her with it. As he would’ve wanted. In his mind he still wore it. Was still married to her. It was going to be quite the adjustment to wrap his mind around the fact she didn’t belong to him anymore. Not like that, at least.
“Let’s hope that’s all she got from me,” he intoned, twisting the glass in his hands over and over. “I’ve imagined her so many times. I hope, at some point, you’ll let me see her.”
Her wedding ring was in a small box in her dresser. Like the photograph of Sophia, that was something at Lia hadn't been able to leave behind. However, she hadn't worn it in a long time. Talking about Sophia was easier than dealing with anything else at the moment, and Lia couldn't help it when her smile brightened a touch. "Actually, she loves being outdoors, like you. From the minute she wakes up, until the sun is setting, she wants to be outside. I can't tell you how many dirt stains I have to scrub out of her clothes." Tilting her head to the side, Lia studied Riley curiously. "Do you honestly believe that I wouldn't let you see her, now that you're here?" Nevermind that she had kept Sophia from him for six years. That wasn't the point right now, was it?
Riley smiled with her at the thought of Sophia being so outdoors inclined as he had always been. He could imagine the fight Lia must have on her hands some nights just getting Sophia inside to get cleaned up and wind down. There was something about being at home on the land that must live in the blood. “She sounds like a right good little girl. Does she laugh like you?”
He wiped the condensation from the glass in his hand on the knee of his jeans, looking down at his hands as he did. “I don’t know, Lia. I don’t know why you left. Why you kept her from me for all these years. It’s hard to believe you’d just let me see her because I’m in the same place with you.” And you have nowhere to run. Am I intimidating you, Lia? I don’t mean to.
"She laughs like me," Lia admitted with a small nod. Her eyes turned downcast for a moment. "She's stubborn like me too. I think most of her positive qualities she got from you." She loved Sophia more than life itself, but it had been difficult sometimes, watching her daughter and seeing bits and pieces of Riley in her mannerisms, and her personality. Her love of the outdoors, the way she smiled sometimes, even some of the looks she would give Lia when they spoke to one another reminded Lia of Riley. It had been painful, but at the same time, she was grateful for it.
Releasing a breath slowly, Lia leaned over to set her glass down on the table in front of her. Her palms felt clammy all of the sudden and Lia did her best to ignore the anxiety that she was starting to feel. "I'm reluctant to tell you why I left, Riley, because I don't think you'll fully understand it. I don't exactly understand it completely myself. It wasn't... I won't keep you from her, because you're here, and I've thought of this moment a lot, although I never expected it to actually happen." Rubbing her palms against her knees, Lia found his gaze with hers again. "It's just going to take some time for her to... for you both to understand what you are to one another."
Riley wanted to touch her again, hold her hand, be part of the pride she was displaying. The love on her face. He wished he could see the things she was talking about. See himself in his daughter. See Lia in her too as he no doubt would. Wished things weren’t this complicated. Wished he’d been smarter about everything that had happened. But if wishes were horses and all of that... There was nothing he could do about it in the immediate foreseeable future because Lia was right. It couldn’t be done quickly. It couldn’t be a bandage ripped off because that would be traumatizing for a little girl. Riley might not know kids but he had a feeling he was right about at least that.
Will you keep you from me, Lia? he wondered but that was a conversation for another time. Another life perhaps. “I appreciate that you won’t keep her from me. I don’t want to disrupt your lives or hurt her. Or you, for that matter. So when you’re ready, and only then, I’d like to hear what happened.” He cleared his throat, drained his glass, and set it beside hers. He didn’t look at her when he said, “To answer your question outside, I’m here because I couldn’t stand to be in our house anymore. My parents died and I sold the farm to the hands and I came here to get away from it all. Just in time for the zombies.”
Somehow Lia knew Riley's re-emergence into her life would be more disruptive than the pandemic and zombies had been. Survival somehow seemed easier than being faced with her husband again and having to deal with the emotions that came with it. She had spent years burying memories, ignoring her needs and wants to focus on her daughter. And just like that, in a matter of minutes, Riley had thrown her entire life into upheaval.
Lia watched his face as he spoke, feeling a pang of regret and sympathy when he revealed that his parents had died. She wanted to reach out to him, but she wasn't sure the gesture would be welcome, so she kept her hands in her lap. "I'm sorry to hear about your parents," Lia murmured.
“Mm, thank you. It was sudden. Hit a roo on the way back from the movies and ran off the road. I was kind of out of grief at that point. I’d seen too much in the war, watched too many people die. I threw myself back in for 2 more years after I found out you died. When I was done, I was numb. It was just easier to leave. You know?” He breathed a light laugh. “And here I am. Running a farm again. And you’re here. Seems you can’t really ever outrun the past.”
It occurred to him that she might be feeling that exact thing and wondered if his being here made her feel claustrophobic. He could imagine it might if he put himself in her shoes. She’d left but never divorced him. He wondered on that too. He looked up from his hands to her face now, searching for whatever she was willing to give him in her eyes. Wanting to understand all of this but knowing it was entirely possible he never would.
There was the guilt. Again. She hadn't even been there for him when his parents died. Not that Lia had known, but if she hadn't been so selfish, she might have. Frowning deeply, Lia glanced away from his gaze. She felt raw and open, vulnerable even, sitting there beside him. It made her uneasy and like she had lost control of the situation completely. On some level, she did feel claustrophobic. Backed into a corner, almost. Unable to run away and hide. On the other hand, Riley still felt entirely too far away from her. Some part of her wanted to ignore the past completely, grab him to her and kiss him until her lips were swollen and numb. But things were far too complicated. For all she knew, he was seeing someone. The thought was sudden and jolting and Lia blinked at the fierce, unexpected wave of jealousy that flooded through her.
Turning her gaze back to his face, Lia tried to find the right words, but coherency seemed to elude her. "I... left because I was angry with you," Lia said finally. Calmly. "I resented you for joining the army, and leaving me. I had... I was depressed. And I pushed everyone away and left after Sophia was born. At some point, I hated you." The words sounded foreign on her tongue as she spoke them, and Lia knew now that she had never hated him. But it felt easy enough to believe it and justify her actions at the time.
Riley swallowed around the rise of emotion her words brought up. His throat was dry and wanted to stick closed even though he’d just drunk an entire glass of water. If he’d had years to wonder why she left he might have already passed through this thought. That she’d been angry; that she’d hated him. And he would’ve made peace with it. Instead, it was like a sucker punch in the gut even as he realized she had every right to have felt that way. He stood up and walked a pace away so she couldn’t see the pain on his face, his hands fidgeting with his hat against his stomach.
His voice was quiet when he answered. “I should never have left when I did. I see it now. I was so headstrong and full of piss and vinegar. I had to get out there, prove my worth, be a man in ways my father never could imagine because he’d only ever worked the land. I didn’t stop to think that you might feel I was abandoning you. Not until your letters stopped coming and that’s how I felt. I’m sorry, Lia. For that and a million other things.”
Lia stared at him as he stood, her lips parting in mild surprise. He was apologizing to her? She wasn't sure what to say right away, because every time she had played this moment happening in her head - back when she believed it could still happen - Riley had never been the one apologizing to her. Well, maybe a few times, back when she had still been full of resentment and pain. But Lia liked to think she had grown some since Sophia's birth.
Standing abruptly, Lia walked over to where Riley stood, stepping in front of him so she could see his face. So he could see hers. "Are you kidding me, Riley? Why on earth would you feel the need to apologize to me? Maybe you felt abandoned when my letters stopped coming because you had been. I left you, and didn't even tell you! I took our daughter and disappeared. Your parents thought it would be less painful to tell you I had died than to tell you the truth. And you're going to apologize to me?" Lia lifted her hands to push her hair behind her ears, feeling both exasperated and irritated with him for being so... so... Riley. "You're allowed to get angry!"
Riley didn’t want to look at her right now. Didn’t want her to look at him. But she would be Lia and face him head on anyway. He averted his eyes and took a deep breath; his teeth clenched, his jaw muscle flexing beneath his skin as he tried to find a way to explain himself and make sense. “I am angry, Lia,” he whispered. “So angry that I can’t even begin to express it right now because it’s a tangled mess. Parts you. Parts me.” He cleared his throat, his voice a little steadier, louder now. “But right now, yes, I need to apologize to you. I left first. I’d been told it wasn’t fair to you. I could see you weren’t happy about it. I think I even heard you crying one night before I went. And I didn’t care. Not enough to not go. And who knew if I would ever be coming back. I’m sorry for putting you through that.”
His eyes flickered back to her, taking in her face, his expression broken and loving and angry and awed. He’d never stopped loving her even after she was “dead” and now, knowing she’d left and not died -- well it was a new grief to walk through. One that hurt far worse than her death had. His mind refused to fuse the two ideas together: that she had chosen to leave and that she had done it so completely he’d never known his parents had lied to him.
"Maybe it wasn't fair to me," Lia agreed, because to her, that much had been true. They had been young, and in love and Lia had never imagined saying goodbye to her husband so soon after they had been married. And he was right. It had always been possible that he would never make it home. And that had taken it's toll on Lia., mentally and physically.
"Maybe it wasn't fair," she repeated before lowering her hands to rest on her hips as she studied his face. All of the sudden she was feeling desperate, and it showed in the expression on her face. "But that... it wasn't... god, Riley, don't apologize to me. I don't want to hear it. I can't." It made absolutely no sense to her, but Lia wanted him to yell. She wanted him to rage at her for doing what she had done. It was what she deserved. Not this. Not an apology, with that look on his face, making her want to drop to her knees and wrap her arms around his legs and beg for his forgiveness.
Riley had the sudden and inappropriate desire to laugh. Not at her but the tension was beyond bearable and it was either laugh or cry and he’d be damned if he cried. Well, maybe a little at her because it was absurd not to want to hear an apology when she clearly deserved one. But that was Lia. And he loved her a little more for not having changed too much. He instinctively started to reach for her, to push her hair back from her face, kiss her forehead. His hand jerked but this was not the past. She hadn’t wanted him enough to stay. She hadn’t wanted him.
“I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say because I’ve spent years still loving you. Missing you. I had no idea I should be angry or hurt or feel abandoned. It’s not something I’m able to process right now.” And he’d never been one to to rage. Not at people he loved. He’d certainly lost it on the battlefield but he would never do anything so seemingly violent in his mind with someone he loved.
It would come eventually. The anger. Once Riley was able to process what she had done. How she had cheated him out of six years of his daughter's life. Of their life together. Or what should have been their life together. Lia didn't want to accept his apology, give him one of her own, and then believe that things would be okay between them. Not when she knew he may not forgive her once he was alone and able to really think about what she had done.
Sighing, Lia closed to her eyes and bowed her head for a moment. She didn't think her heart had stopped pounding in her chest since the second she spotted him on his horse. Riley was alive, and standing there in front of her, and apologizing for leaving her to support and defend his country, even after knowing she had taken his daughter and left him without a word or regard to how he would feel. He hadn't changed much either, had he?
Lia felt her eyes burning from suppressed tears, but she didn't want to cry in front of him. Instead, Lia reaching out blindly for him and found him quickly. Grabbing hold of his shirt, Lia stepped in close to wrap her arms around him in a tight embrace. If she spoke, her voice would waver and break, so she remained stubbornly silent.
When she reached for him, wrapped her arms around him, Riley’s eyes closed and he let out an involuntary sigh. He held her back just as tightly, resting his cheek against her hair. It was a strange embrace. There was a lot between them. So much that it was either hold on or rip apart. That she was holding on gave him some hope that eventually they might work things through to some semblance of a friendship. If not their marriage. Part of him still wanted that. Still wanted her more than anyone else.
It didn’t mean he forgave her. Or that she forgave him. But he didn’t want to let her go. And he wouldn’t until she was ready. Because he’d dreamed about this and he was going to dream a little more about a happy reunion in this moment. He breathed her name softly against her hair and inhaled the soft, beautiful scent of her. Both familiar and foreign after years in another country, under the dome. For this moment, right now, he was home. As temporary as it might be.
There still seemed to be a chasm between them, but Lia clung to him anyway, reveling in his solid warmth, and his arms around her. The last time Riley held her this way had been the morning he shipped out to Iraq. Lia had come to accept that she would never see him again, let alone touch him. In a way, this still felt like a surreal dream that she would wake up from at any moment. It certainly wouldn't have been the first time Lia dreamed of Riley in this way.
Lia's fingers pressed into his back and she kept her eyes closed against his chest, silently breathing in his scent. Her heart squeezed at the sound of him saying her name and Lia had to fight back another wave of tears that threatened. Somewhere, deep inside, she wished she could just snap her fingers and make everything better. Erase the past completely, or better yet, just change it. But it wasn't that easy. It had been six years since they last saw one another, or spoke. They were different people now. She had no idea if the Riley holding her now was the same Riley she had fallen in love with in high school and married soon after. She knew for certain she wasn't the same person he knew. Maybe parts of her were the same, but at her core, Lia had changed.
Releasing a soft breath, Lia pulled her arms from around his back and lifted them to slip around his neck, where her fingers brushed through his hair. Lia knew she shouldn't, but she couldn't resist it, just being able to touch him and feel that he was indeed real. She lifted her face away from his chest and looked at him, the faintest of smiles on her lips. He was real. At some point, she had to stop doubting it.
And just like that, the past was forgotten. For him anyway. Not even the faintest tickle of it was in his mind when her fingers ran through his hair, her face upturned. His eyes grazed that small smile on her lips. If they were setting precedents for things they shouldn’t be doing today, kissing her was right at the top of the list. He managed to control himself. That would only open up a whole new set of issues for them to deal with and he didn’t know if she wanted to be kissed. Didn’t know if she was doing the same thing as he was and allowing this moment to slide through, calling it healing in some respects and saying goodbye in others. Not forever goodbye but it was inevitable that he would face his anger and hurt and that it would preclude any of this sort of affection.
She felt so good in his arms. He held her more gently now, carefully. This time he gave in to the desire to tuck strands of her golden hair behind her ear, letting himself feel the warmth of her skin as his fingers withdrew along her cheek. Just that small measure of contact settled her in his mind. She really was here. It wasn’t a dream. Alive. Lia was alive and well. “Have you always been this beautiful?” he asked quietly.
Kissing would have been a bad idea. Probably. Maybe. Lia couldn't fathom how two people could be apart for so long, reunite with so much hurt and confusion and still want to feel that sort of intimacy with so much left unresolved. It wasn't possible, was it? Maybe it was. She wasn't quite sure. Lia wanted to pull him down to her until they were mouth to mouth, but she supposed that had more to do with longing and loneliness. She hadn't kissed a man since leaving Australia, after all. Six years was an extremely long time to go without physical affection, even though Lia had had plenty to distract herself with.
Her skin seemed to tingle pleasantly where Riley touched her. His question had her blinking in surprise. Leave it to Riley to warm her with a simple question. "“You used to always say so, so I suppose I have,” Lia replied with a small, almost playful smile.
“The mind changes the memory of faces over time if you don’t see them. In my dreams you’re never this beautiful.” When it hit him fully, he was going to spin out of control and he knew it. Felt it creeping its way into this soft moment. He closed his eyes for a moment, opened them and pressed his lips to the top of her head as he’d used to do after long days and when he was trying to work out how to tell her something she might not want to hear.
Reluctantly he stepped back from her, wishing it was possible to erase 6 years, knowing it wasn’t. “Lia, this is a lot already and I know both of us haven’t even begun to process. I think I should probably go but I’d like to talk to you again soon. Will you come to my place whenever you’re ready? Big ranch house all the way north at the end of West Road.”
It was a bit of a jolt to the system when Riley pulled away from her. She had been a bit lost in the words he spoke, and the way he held her and as he stepped back to release her, it was a bit like getting a bucket of ice water thrown in her face. Dropping her arms to her sides, Lia opened her eyes to look at him, hoping the disappointment wasn't evident in her eyes. You're leaving? Lia held back the question, because of course he was leaving. He was always leaving her. That particular thought was unfair, but it was there anyway, even if she knew it was best that he did. Sophia would be coming home soon, and it wasn't as if Riley could stay all night. They needed space from one another so they could both process this and think.
Swallowing, Lia nodded and took a step back from him to put more distance between them. "Of course I will. I'm... yes, I'll come by." And if she could gather the courage to do so, she would bring Sophia.
Riley stood looking at her for a long moment, re-memorizing her face. She wasn’t the only one struggling with the disappointment of no longer holding each other and being close. He wasn’t quite warm anymore somehow. Would it ever be this easy again between them? I’m not leaving, Lia. I couldn’t even if I wanted to. And I don’t want to. I’m just allowing us some space to breathe. He willed her to hear his thoughts.
“Thank you for inviting me into your home. I hope you know you’re always welcome in mine.” It felt awkward by way of saying farewell but he wasn’t sure what else to say in that moment. He offered her a gentle smile before donning his hat and heading for the door.
It felt like an incredibly formal way of saying goodbye, especially after the embrace they had just shared. It was though they were suddenly strangers rather than two people who shared a history. Or were still married, for that matter. Maybe they were strangers. It took Lia a moment before she got her feet to move, and she followed him to the front door, polite enough to see him out. "All right," she said simply, willing to adapt to the sudden shift in demeanor. "Take care."