Alice Munroe (ex_barebones985) wrote in the_colony, @ 2011-01-05 18:01:00 |
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Entry tags: | ^ week 24, alice munroe, jed bailey, | alice and jed |
Week 24: Thursday
Characters: Alice Munroe and Jed Bailey
Location: The kitchen
Summary: Jed and Alice bump into each other in the kitchen for the first time since their big break-up. Alice gets her words out this time though Jed isn't too fond of them, but the two part ways a little more easily.
Rating: Soft R for language.
While it was safe to say that there had been improvement in her mood since Sunday, Alice definitely wasn’t feeling better. Even after kind words from Bridget, Tom and Searle, Jed’s words resonated inside her head in her waking and sleeping hours, ripping her apart from the inside out. Their reassurance that she was wanted and loved meant a lot to her, but knowing that her first friend and recent lover hated her and thought she was worthless weighed heavily against them.
Still, there was work to be done. It had taken some pleading, but Tom finally allowed her to at least chop wood again, since he still wasn’t ready to let her back on her guard shift again with the whole having-a-gun thing. Killing oneself with an axe wasn’t exactly a quick death anyway. Chopping wood became one of her primary contributions to the community, if only because it was work she could get really lost in and that would have her exhausted by 8 o’clock.
When the weight of the axe finally became too much on aching muscles, Alice went back indoors and headed towards the shower, with every intention of using all the hot water.
It was late enough that most everyone was long done with dinner and sequestered in various corners of the house. Jed knew there was always the chance he’d run into someone on the way, but at least it was less likely. He’d hardly started rummaging through the fridge, though, when he heard the back door open. Stiffening, he hoped they’d just go on their way.
At that instant, Alice was too tired to register the world around her. Tired and sore. She was going through the motions of waking and living, hoping time would mean recovery, but knowing inside that it never would. There would always be tension now, with the first person she’d ever invested herself with in this new world.
God, she needed a drink. Whiskey and a hot shower; it sounded like a winning combination. Of course the moment she backtracked and saw the body currently inhabiting the kitchen, she found herself stalled. It’d been the first time she’d seen him in four days, and that was a feat all its own. Her stomach twisted into a knot.
When he’d heard the footsteps pass, Jed quickly snatched a couple food things and swung the door shut, ready to rush to his room. He almost ran smack into Alice.
Stumbling back a couple steps, Jed felt dizzy, his stomach like lead, his heart physically aching. “I--I just-- I’ll get out of your way,” he said, hoping an easy way around her would materialize.
“I wanna talk,” she blurted, her eyes glued to his face. She was just barely holding back the urge to throw herself at his feet, Tom’s wishes be damned. “Please.”
Jed had to look away. “Thought we already done that.”
“No. You talked. I didn’t talk.” She took a step closer, ignoring every other impulse she had in her desperation. “I wanna talk now. Please.”
His gaze resting somewhere around her knees, Jed swallowed hard. All the awful things he’d said to Alice rushed through his head; he certainly owed it to her to let her have a go at him. “Alright,” he said quietly.
Just hearing that gave her relief, enough that she pulled back a little again. Standing so close to him hurt, and she knew that it went without saying that her presence was probably even worse for him.
“Okay,” she said, the word an exhale as she took another breath to help steady herself. Anyone might walk by and see them or hear them, but she didn’t care. She would say what she needed to say and go.
“You are a wonderful man,” she started. From those words alone, Jed felt the tears he’d been fighting for days spring to his eyes. It was worse than he thought; she was being kind. “You are. You have a big heart, and you want to help people. Just being around you changed me. I don’t know if it was for better or worse, but you kept me alive. You gave me a reason to try again, and I... I love you. I love you for that. I love you so much that I started to throw my own wants aside, if it meant keeping us going and better. I left my house for you, I left Vegas because you wanted me, I gave up on having a family with you and got an IUD because it was what you wanted.” Jed wanted to argue, to say he never made her do anything, but he couldn’t get any words past his throat. She let out a shaky sigh, then kept going.
“But it didn’t... I didn’t feel happy anymore. I felt that, even before Leo showed up. I felt the happiness slipping away from us. And then Jack...” Alice gave a weak laugh, feeling an ache in her chest. “I’m not going to fight with Jack over you. I wasn’t gonna lose to a thirteen-year-old. And we were always gonna fight, Jed. I can see that now. You said early on you didn’t want kids, but I pretended that you just meant you didn’t want them now. I was wrong. You don’t want kids because you’ve already got one. Because she’s turned you into her dad, whether she’s said it or not. And you... you’ve accepted that, you just won’t admit it. If you thought the three of us were just gonna be one happy little family, that just wasn’t gonna happen. And that’s okay,” she gave a watery smile she didn’t feel, shaking her head. “That’s okay. I’m not mad at you. I just can’t share, especially not when the other person feels just as entitled.”
His mouth pressed in a thin line, Jed finally looked up at her. “All this time you been pressin’ me for a kid, now the reason you dump me is ‘cause I got one? What, a kid’s only good enough if they’re yours? That’s--” He stopped himself short, taking a deep breath. “Look, blame me for fuckin’ up what we had all you want. Don’t blame Jack.”
“That’s not how it works,” she answered, shaking her head again. Her hand moved at her side, lifting, but then suddenly jerked to a stop and dropped down to her side again, crossing over to hold her upper arm. She couldn’t hide the bitterness that crept into her voice. “The kids always get the final say whether or not daddy gets to stay with his girlfriend in any broken home. You heard her, Jed. She was never going to get over what happened, even when she turned it around and used it to her advantage. Even though I went to her damn-- her house and got her rabbit and her parents’ things and her photos, and talked everything out when I put her cast on. I don’t love her like you do.”
“And I don’t love Walker like you do, but you don’t see me poutin’ about it,” he snapped, his weight shifting on his feet.
Alice felt a flicker of anger at his outburst; first he went on to say what he did about kids not meaning anything unless they were hers, and then he had the audacity to bring Walker up into it as if he was hers? It’s all about Jack. All the goddamn time, it’s always fuckin’ Jack he cares the most about, she thought bitterly.
“Walker isn’t mine; he’s Leo’s. It’s not the same--”
“Outta the way.”
“Don’t do this,” she said, the anger gone and her voice edging on a plead. “Don’t shut me out. Don’t let this stupid shit end what we’ve had before I made the stupid choice of ruining it and loving you more, don’t do that.”
“Stop--” He caught his voice rising, regaining control. “Stop sayin’ it like that. Like yer doin’ me a favor. I love you, but if it ain’t enough for you, juss say it. Yer reasons make it hurt worse.”
She couldn’t help it; she had to touch him. Her hands went to his arms, not gripping but simply touching, the urge to touch his face kept in check by the fact that she wasn’t sure how he would have reacted if she went for that first. Jed flinched but didn’t pull away.
“I told you before that it’s more than enough, but you and me bein’ together isn’t simple like that, and you know it. And I am always gonna love you, more than you’ll ever know. I will love you for as long as my heart keeps beating, and I’ll hold you to every promise you’ve ever made to me, and if you ever get with anyone else I’ll hate them inside my head but I will hold it in if they make you happy. Because despite all of this and everything to come, despite how much we disagree and how crazy you make me, I loved you first and I always will. Always.”
With that twist of the knife, Jed’s expression faltered and he bowed his head, desperate to regain composure with her so close. He was helpless to get away, unable to bring himself to push past her. Gulping down air, he finally managed in a rough voice, “I’m sorry. What I did-- It shouldn’t-- I’m sorry. I juss wanna go back to my room.”
Alice nodded, the swell of emotion in her chest reaching its pinnacle. She leaned in just enough to press a kiss to his cheek and touch the opposite side with her hand before pulling back. “It’s okay. And I’ll leave you alone for as long as you need me to. But I’m not goin’ anywhere, okay? I’m always gonna be here.”
Beyond words now, Jed nodded. His hands gripped the cold leftover containers tight, shaking in the effort to hold himself together. The pain and confusion and need swirled into a hard lump inside him, and he couldn’t let it out with her there.
Alice forced herself to turn and leave, forgetting the whiskey bottle altogether. She was tempted to forgo the shower also, but she didn’t want to upset him any further. Besides, it would be much easier to cry with the shower running and Bridget not looking over her shoulder trying to comfort her. She needed a good cry right then.