Alice Munroe (ex_barebones985) wrote in the_colony, @ 2010-12-21 15:34:00 |
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Entry tags: | ^ week 24, alice munroe, gregory blair, jed bailey, | alice and jed, | jed and tom |
WEEK 24: SUNDAY EVENING
Characters: Alice Munroe and Jed Bailey, with appearances by Tom Galloway and Greg Blair
Location: Alice and Jed’s room.
Summary: All things must come to an end, and after her discussion with Tom following their business meeting, Alice decides to bite the bullet. Things spiral out of control from there as Jed’s desperation turns to rage and gets the better of him.
Rating: R
There was no way in hell she was ever going to sleep that night in the same bed after the talk she’d had with Tom, that much Alice knew.
She’d tried to convince herself that she just needed to give it more time, that maybe she was asking for too much, but there was no denying the truth in her heart: she couldn’t keep pretending that things were going to be all right.
A small part of her had always known, the more she thought about it. For all that she cared about Jed and found herself perpetually drawn to him, they had never really brought out the best in each other. Every time they fought, she felt another piece of herself breaking off and fading away. Before, she never would have compromised her desires for someone else, friend or lover; if they didn’t feel mostly-mutual about things, she broke it off as cleanly as possible, end of story. But things were different now and even if they did somehow manage to make through the conversation she was trying to build up in her mind, they couldn’t avoid each other forever. They were all an extended family now. They would have to work through this.
Alice sat in one of the two chairs in the room, her head in her hands over her knees, trying to calm herself. There was no way she was going to make it out of their conversation without breaking down, and she knew it. Like it or not, he’d broken through her defences. Every part of her was tense with anxiety and anguish. When she heard the footsteps coming toward the bedroom, she forced herself to breathe and sit back up. Here we go, she thought fearfully.
The house was relatively quiet, so Jed had figured on getting in some study time alone. He was almost through the door before he realized Alice was in their bedroom. “Hey there,” he said, closing the door with a smile. Then he got a better look at her. There was tension in her face that he’d come to know well. “You alright?”
Alice shook her head, eyes dropping to her knees despite having told herself she wouldn’t break eye contact. She just couldn’t do it; she couldn’t look at him with the knowledge that she was about to break his heart. Her throat felt dry and her tongue felt swollen, as though her body was revolting against what she knew needed to be done.
Ah shit. Something had upset her again. At least this time he was relatively certain it wasn’t him. They hadn’t seen each other since morning. Walking over to her, he sat in the next chair, his hand going automatically to her knee. “What is it? What happened?”
God... she felt her own heart breaking. Oh god...
“This isn’t... working.”
He frowned slightly. “What’s not working?”
Alice closed her eyes. “This. Us.”
Jed froze. She... That can’t have come out right. She couldn’t mean that, not the way it sounded. “What d’you mean? We’re fine. We’re workin’ juss fine,” he said, trying to reassure them both.
Alice exhaled, wrapping her arms around her waist and keeping her eyes down and closed. Please don’t make this harder than it is, she pleaded inwardly.
“But we’re not,” she said in a quiet voice. “I’m... not. I’m not fine.”
His stomach turned to lead and sunk to the floor. His grip tightened on her leg. “Yer juss goin’ through a bad spell, that’s all. Yer feelin’ down. You’ll get over it.”
She could hear the desperation creeping into his voice, and as a result of it felt the emotion swell up in her chest. Here it comes, she thought, tilting her head back to the ceiling and taking a sharp inhale.
“I ruined it, crossin’ the line, makin’ us more than friends. We were barely keepin’ from killing each other then, but I felt better before than I do now.” She opened her eyes, but refused to look at him.
“So what, we were juss one big fucking mistake?” He shoved her leg as he jumped to his feet. His chest felt like it was on fire. “What you want me to say to that? Sorry I’m such a total fuckhead that even bein’ with me makes you feel like shit?”
The shove was enough to finally make her look at him, but it was his response that finally broke the dam. She grimaced, caught somewhere between wanting to remain silent so he could unload whatever horrible feelings were churning in him -- I put them there, she thought morosely -- and from trying to reassure him that she wasn’t only feeling regret. It’s not gonna fix anything, a more rational part of herself reminded her. You’ll be tromping through the cliche crap that really does nothing, and you know it.
“You weren’t the mistake,” she said finally. “You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m not right for you, Jed. I’m forcin’ you against your own nature because I’m--” one hand came up to swipe uselessly at her eyes. “Because I’m selfish. Okay? I’m not gonna pretend I’m not, and you have every reason to hate me for it.”
“Don’t--Don’t you fucking dare,” he snarled. The fire felt like it was spreading through him, coursing through his veins, settling behind his eyes. “You ain’t the one who decides what’s right for me, I do! And this ain’t what I want, so don’t go sayin’ yer doin’ it for my own good! You got no right!”
Alice curled into herself, falling back on her first choice and letting him speak. There wasn’t going to be an easy way to get through it no matter what she said or did, and even if she took back what she said now, they were never going to be ‘okay’ again. I deserve this. I deserve all of it, she told herself.
His eyes were sharp on her, and he didn’t miss the body language. “Oh I’m sorry, I makin’ you feel bad? You thought I’d juss smile and take it? ‘Cept then you wouldn’t get to be the little victim, would you? ‘Cause that’s what you do, Alice.”
He started pacing in front of the chair, his eyes never leaving her. “You walk around all tough, but soon as somethin’ goes wrong, you break down and become ‘bout as useful as a blow-up doll. Gonna cry now?” Turning sharp, he grabbed the armrests, his face uncomfortably close to hers. His expression tried to twist in a sneer but couldn’t quite make it. “Don’t stop, go on an’ cry fer me. Yer so fuckin’ good at it. Poor, poor fucking Alice.”
She’d been expecting hurtful things, knew they were going to hurt, but nothing could have prepared her for it. Whether or not they were the things he’d always thought about her but held back, or simply aimed to cause the maximum damage, she felt the fight or flight urges raging on in her, demanding her to choose. When he invaded her space, he made the choice for her. Crying silently, she lifted her chin and put on her most passive expression, every muscle in her body tense to fight him back if she needed to.
He stayed there for a long pause, his muscles tensing as he stared into her sad little eyes. He wanted to grab her shoulders and shake her until she screamed, just to know she felt some of the rage coursing through him. Instead, he shoved the chair back to hit the wall, which pulled an involuntary noise out of her as she recoiled.
Jed straightened up with a scowl. “You’d rather be alone than be with a fuckhead like me. Poor little Alice and big bad Jed. ‘Cept that’s what gets you off, ain’t it? You gonna go fuck Derek next?” Then a thought hit him so hard it might as well have been to his stomach. “No. Yer goin’ back to Leo, ain’t you? Bet you been achin’ to fuck him since you found out he was a murderer and rapist.”
“Stop it,” she said in a pained voice, her body shuddering with adrenaline by that point. She was almost afraid to run off because she knew if she tried to stand, she’d shake so hard she’d fall back down again.
“Oh look, the doll fuckin’ talks,” Jed said, smirking down at her. “What, that one hit close to home? You juss sittin’ there, wishin’ this was over so you could run off and fuck him and forget about me?”
“I’m not goin’ back to anyone,” she answered, her hands clenched where they rested on either side of her, her arms still tight around her torso. “Say whatever you wanna say, but I’m not doin’ this because I wanna hurt you. I’m doin’ this because I don’t wanna hurt anymore.” She wanted to wipe her face with her hand, but she couldn’t bring herself to pull her arms away from where they rested or give him further satisfaction.
The words were like a rope tightening around his chest. Just being with him hurt her. Just him being himself hurt her. He grabbed the candlestick from the table and hurled it across the room. It ricocheted off the wall, leaving a dent in the plaster and causing Alice to jump before it rolled off the bed and clattered to the floor. His chest heaved with heavy breaths before he could speak. “You fucking little victim. You make me hate myself, ev’ry damn time.”
“What do you want me to say?” Alice cried, on her feet before she realized it with her arms thrown out to her side. “That you’re wrong? Yeah, you’ve seen the real me! I am a fuckin’ victim! I hide behind bullshit and I cry when I’m alone! I never wanted anyone to see that, but here I am and there you are! I’m useless as fucking shit! I’m not worth the goddamn air you breathe, and you’re damn right!” She raked her hands through her hair, dark strands ripping free as she shook where she stood.
The guilt in Jed’s stomach gave a hard twist, and he hated her for it. Storming up to her and crowding her when she scrambled backward away from him against the wall, he had to hunch to scream in her face. “Shut up! Shut your fucking mouth! I got a right to be angry, and you ain’t gonna take that away! I’m sick of wantin’ to protect you, so shut up!”
But that had been all the fight she could handle. Ducking out from beneath him, she nearly tripped in her haste to get to the door. Jed’s hand shot out, grabbing her by the arm and yanking her back.
“I didn’t say you could leave! You finish what you fuckin’ started!” he snarled.
“There’s nothing left to say! It’s over!” she shouted back, pulling her arm back with all her strength as the panic became overwhelming. “Just let me go! Let me go!”
He wouldn’t. He had to do something, convince her she was wrong, that she still wanted him. Grabbing her other shoulder, he pulled her to him. Jed’s lips crashed onto hers with all the force of need and obstinance.
Alice fisted her hand in his shirt, trying in vain to push him away, but his arms held her so tightly that she had nowhere to escape to. Her mind flashed her back to being trapped in her own house by the mugger, that feeling of violation and having to fight for her life, and she only barely managed to hold back the urge to bite him or scream. His weight and scent were too familiar, cutting through the impulse to flee for her life.
Thrusting his tongue past her unresponsive lips, Jed pressed his body flush against hers. They could get past this, he knew they could, he just had to show her. He needed her too much for her to just leave.
The door flew open and slammed against the wall, and Tom barely took a second to survey the situation before he was marching into the room to bodily separate the quarreling couple. Jed only registered the noise on the periphery, and looked up in time to see Tom, clenched jaw and furious eyes, coming at them.
“Get out! Ain’t your business!” Jed snapped.
“When the entire house can hear you and you’re throwing things that makes it my business,” Tom snarled back. “A real man doesn’t force himself on an unwilling woman Jed. Let her go or I’ll fucking make you let her go, and I won’t be gentle. Comprende?”
Jed bristled, his grip tightening, but it was Alice he responded to, his voice urgent. “Alice, please. It’s me. I love you. Please.”
Her heart had already started breaking as she’d watched him succumb to his temper in front of her, but those words ended her. She shook her head and sobbed, pulling uselessly back in his embrace.
Even knowing Alice wanted him to let her go, knowing Tom would make him let go, Jed couldn’t. It would be like giving up. “You can’t do this to me, Alice, you can’t. We can make this work, we just ain’t tryin’ hard enough,” he said, trying to pull her close again.
“All right, that’s it!” Tom reached over and grabbed hold of Jed, one arm looping under the other man’s and across his shoulder. With a grunt he yanked the younger man off Alice and sent him sprawling toward the bed.
“Alice, go stay with Bridget and don’t come out till I give the all clear.” He barely gave the woman a second glance, his attention focused on Jed. “Jedediah and I are going to have a little talk about how a real man treats a woman.”
Alice was out the door before he was finished, without even looking back.
Jed slowly leveraged himself to his feet using the bed, looking after Alice with an aching heart. He finally turned to Tom, his eyes narrowing and fists clenching. Some part of his brain knew Tom had acted in the right, but the part that was in charge now just wanted to punch him for butting in. “‘The all clear’? So what, I’m a fucking rabid dog or something?”
“Maybe not a rabid dog, but you’re acting like a man who isn’t thinking straight,” Tom replied evenly, his arms hanging loosely at his sides, his feet planted to let him absorb the impact of a punch or shove. “Since when did you become the sort of man who would force himself on a woman, Jed? I thought you were better than that.”
Bristling at the accusation, Jed snapped, “I ain’t done that! You know jackshit ‘bout what was goin’ on! She’s the one who ain’t thinkin’ straight, sayin’ things she don’t even mean.”
“Then it’s your job to leave her alone until she’s come to her senses, or steer clear for good if she doesn’t,” Tom snapped back. This was bringing back far too many unpleasant memories of his own childhood. He hadn’t been able to defend his mother back then, but he could damn well make certain Alice was safe in the here and now.
“In her right mind or not, she clearly didn’t want you touching her.”
With two long strides, Jed gave Tom a hard shove, nostrils flaring. “You don’ know nothin’ ‘bout us! She wasn’t hardly fighting. Alice has knocked me flat a couple times, if she didn’t want it, she’d’ve fought harder.”
Tom took a step back at the shove and his arms raised to knock the other man on his ass, but he visibly controlled himself. His own nostrils flared and his eyes narrowed, but he didn’t go on the counter-attack. Try to get him to understand first, Tom. “She wasn’t hardly fighting because you had her pinned against the fucking wall, Jed.” He took a deep breath and kept himself from making any threats that he might have to carry out, a warning that another incident like this and the other man finding himself on the road on the tip of his tongue. “I could hear things clear enough, she wanted to break things off and you weren’t taking it. I’ve been in your shoes, Jed, my first wife got me so mad sometimes that I came this close to hitting her. There are times when you just have to suck it up and step away.”
Jed didn’t give a damn about Tom’s wives or his fatherly advice. He and Alice had come together on the other side of the end of the world. They’d been through shit no one else ever had. They were different.
“No. If she’d juss let me talk, we’d figure it out,” he said, heading for the door.
“Not now, Jed.” Tom stepped in front of the younger man. “She made her wishes clear, you’ll honor them. You two can talk tomorrow morning, after everyone’s had a chance to calm down.” Don’t make me put you down, boy.
Hesitating a moment, almost thinking it over, Jed decided he was sick of this. He tried shoving roughly past Tom and found himself on his ass after his legs were knocked out from under him. Tom stood over him, watching and obviously trying to control his temper
“Tom? Something amiss?”
The veteran glanced over his shoulder to see Greg standing in the doorway, obviously concerned and still in his outdoor clothing after being in the barn.
“Everything’s fine. Jed and I are having a discussion. Go put yourself outside Bridget’s room, all right? Alice is in there and they don’t want to be disturbed right now.”
The other man’s eyebrows went up, but he nodded and left the doorway without another word. Still sitting sprawled on the floor, Jed’s chest heaved as he breathed deep through clenched teeth. His ass was sore and his face was red from having yet another person look at him like he was a misbehaving dog.
“Get out,” he snarled, slamming his fist against the floor before pushing himself to his feet. “Out of my damn room! It ain’t none of your business! I can do whatever I want, she’s my--”
He stopped short, the anger in his face going slack. His own words had started to sound strange to him, and it suddenly hit him why: They were a muddled echo. His dad had yelled something like them at a woman who’d come to their trailer door. Jed never saw her because he’d been hiding under the kitchen table. She’d never come back.
Swallowing hard, he tried to pull himself together, turning his back on Tom. “Go away. I’ll stay put, juss....go away.”
Tom recognized the look on the other man’s face and nodded. “I’m not doing this to be mean, Jed. I’m saving you from yourself.” He started to reach a hand out to rest on Jed’s shoulder, then thought better of it and let it fall to his side. “When you feel up to talking come find me and we’ll have a few drinks.” Now that the anger had passed Jed would be able to think a little more rationally.
Even if Jed had something to say in reply, he couldn’t. The shame welling up inside him seemed to have closed off his throat and it was all he could do to keep control. He’d told Tom to go. Now Jed could only hope that he would. Tom took Jed’s silence as confirmation that the younger man would seek him out when he was ready, and left the room.
As soon as he heard the door close, Jed let out a long, ragged breath, running his hands over his face. Oh God. Oh God, why did you let me do that? His hands shook, but he refused to let himself break down. As his eyes travelled around the room, though, he chest ached more. There was their bed, her pillow, her hairbrush. The new dent in the wall. He couldn’t stay. Of course the options were a 15-foot drop from the window or walking past Greg in the hall.
He opened the window to gauge the distance. He could probably make it, but then he could also break his leg, and he’d felt enough like a dumb dog today. Reluctantly, he closed it again. Chest clenching as he looked around the room again, his eyes paused on the closet door. Except he wasn’t a child, going to hide in the closet when things got tough. If he wanted out of the bedroom, he could just man up and go through the hall and face the stares. And the questions. And the accusations.
With the extra boots removed, the closet had a decent amount of sitting room. Not enough to lie down, but he wouldn’t be in there long. Just needed some time to think, away from the memories. Closing the door behind him, he relaxed a little in the pitch black. All he had to do was concentrate on the clothes that smelled like him and not the ones that smelled like Alice.