InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "Trust me!"

_touchless_ (_touchless_) wrote in tensor,
@ 2011-03-26 00:22:00

Entry tags:

josh_foley, kevin_ford

Back-dated to Thursday afternoon

He hadn't seen Josh at all yesterday except for mealtimes, and he'd been just as disengaged and uncommunicative as every other time Kevin had seen him since Sunday. He didn't smile, didn't laugh, didn't speak with anyone unless spoken to and then only enough to answer direct questions, no matter how hard he tried to enage him. It was like spending time with a ghost. It was making Kevin physically sick, and he'd been seriously considering not even meeting Josh for breakfast this morning. It wasn't like he ate, after all, they'd just fallen into it those first two weeks, back when things had been good and normal, because it was more time they could spend together in a day. He'd doubted Josh would even notice or care if he didn't show up...or maybe he'd be relieved. And then he'd answered a knock at his door first thing in the morning to find Josh and a few layers of heavy duty plastic wrap waiting for him.

He hadn't even had a chance to say anything before he'd had an armful of Josh, warm and solid and eager, and kissing him like his life had depended on it. He'd stumbled back under the unexpected assault, arms going automatically around Josh, and after a fraction of a second of confusion there really hadn't been any option but to kiss back just as hard and eager. He'd pulled Josh tight against him, one hand at the small of his back and the other curled around the back of his neck and just kissed him with everything he had, weeks of fear mingled with years of devotion all pouring out as he'd pushed Josh back into the wall next to the door.

It had ended almost as fast as it started, though, Josh barely giving him time to grab his backpack before hauling him out the door for breakfast with no explanation other than something vague about a 'breakthrough' that he wanted to talk about later. And much as Kevin wanted to know now it hadn't been worth pushing, not when there was too little time to really talk before they both had to be in class...and especially not with Josh happy and normal and chattering next to him through the meal, the zombie of the last few days gone as if he'd never existed.

Kevin had been almost dazed by the time they'd had to go their separate ways, half overjoyed at the turnaround and half confused at what had suddenly brought it about. He'd spent the entire morning fidgeting, anticipating lunch and a chance to maybe talk to Josh...until right before lunch break, when Josh had texted him with "Emergency training. Sorry. My room after." Which had meant hours more fidgeting, barely paying attention through his afternoon classes and earning a (not so unusual these days) reprimand in his training session for lack of focus.

For the first time in what felt like weeks he'd been happy to escape to his studio after, rather than just relieved, and had actually picked up the last piece he'd been working on before everything had gone completely to hell. Something for Josh, like so much of his work always was in one way or another. He'd become engrossed enough in the intricate twists of wire that the time had flown by and he'd been almost surprised to find he'd finished it when his studio time - and conveniently enough Josh's - was up.

Now he rolled it almost idly between his hands, a solid weight wrapped carefully in a whisper soft cotton polishing cloth. He'd almost decided not to give it to him, or at least not now, but it was his, and for years every time he'd finished a piece for Josh he'd wrapped it in flannel and delivered it immediately, though in the past that had always meant an immediate trip to the campus post office. Now it had just meant a walk across campus in the early spring chill, until he stood at Josh's door, praying that this morning hadn't been a fluke or a hallucination as he raised his hand and knocked, waited for just a moment, then tried to ignore the way his heart had started to hammer as he pushed the door open.

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fatedtouch
2011-03-26 01:30 pm UTC (link)

The room was devoid of life except for Josh's fish, and the tree Kevin had given him tucked up against the same shelf space. It was a great deal larger and more elaborately shaped than when it had first been given to the blond. Between Josh's powers and those of his tree-sitting chlorokinetic friend, it was rivaling the beauty and majesty of its wild, giant cousins.

The rest of Josh's half of the room was in a state of redesign. Bare along the walls and floors, bookshelf sporting odd stacks of things. Several boxes sat neatly about his desk containing most of his belongings. The only things still significantly missing were his instruments. The stands, cases and other associated things still tucked away in the closet.

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_touchless_
2011-03-26 06:48 pm UTC (link)

Kevin stood just inside the door, not sure at first if he'd gotten there ahead of Josh. The odd, warm pull in his chest that he seemed to get anytime Josh was near lately he wrote off as nerves, though he stepped the rest of the way into the room and closed the door behind him anyway. His gaze darted around the room as he crossed to Josh's side of it, took in the bare walls and floors, the jarring lack of any of Josh's beloved instruments. It wasn't until he'd registered that loss that he moved on to note the removal of all the sculptures he'd made for Josh over the years, taken from the shelves and packed neatly in boxes on the floor near his desk. He wasn't sure which loss ached more.

A sound from the bathroom caught his attention and he dropped the carefully wrapped package he'd been carrying onto the foot of Josh's bed and turned. "Josh? That you?" He felt almost stupid asking, he'd possibly have bet his life on the fact that it was.

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fatedtouch
2011-03-26 10:57 pm UTC (link)

"Yeah," he replied, as the door opened. He stepped out, a towel wrapped about his middle and a few wisps of steam curling out from the open door. While his skin had been rubbed dry, it was still slightly pink, visibly clearing as he walked into the room. Random droplets fell free of his wet hair as he moved, some of them falling clear of his body, others meeting skin and following natural contours down until they disappeared into the towel. "Hey. Sorry." He paused beside him, leaning in carefully to kiss the covered curve of his shoulder. "I wasn't paying attention to the time as well as I thought."

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_touchless_
2011-03-27 12:00 am UTC (link)

Kevin's breath caught at the sight of him; the long, lean lines of his body and the smooth shift of muscle under warm, pink skin. Josh always took his breath away, but he hadn't seen him like this since those first two weeks, before Julian had come back and their powers had clashed and everything had started to slide inexorably downward, and it took an effort to jerk his gaze up from following one droplet as it worked its way down the hollows of his abs before disappearing into the fine trail of golden hair below his navel and from there into his towel. Took even more effort not to wonder what it would feel like to trace it's path with his tongue.

He looked up when Josh kissed him, then reached to brush a gloved finger gently over the bow of Josh's lips. It was the closest he could get to returning the gesture as things stood. "No worries." His voice was slightly husky and his smile wondering and warm. "I'm sure not going to complain about the view."

Or about whatever had brought Josh back so much closer to himself. He curved his hand around the nape of Josh's neck, then slid it down the dip of his spine, feeling the warmth of him through his gloves even if he couldn't feel his skin. "Redecorating?" He nodded towards the pile of boxes, looked to where Josh's instruments had stood, and looked curiously back at him. He wasn't going to jump to any conclusions, dammit. That was probably over half of what had led to the clusterfuck the last few weeks of their lives had become.

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	fatedtouch 2011-03-27 12:50 am UTC (link)
	Josh smiled at the compliment, weight shifting in Kevin's direction - as close as they could safely be given current circumstances. "Mmm," he answered, leaning into the touch. "I felt like a change." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

_touchless_
2011-03-27 02:28 am UTC (link)

Kevin turned his face slightly away and drew in a slow, steadying breath against the urge to lean in and kiss Josh. Years of ingrained habit, almost to the point of instinct, to never even think of touching another living thing and it all fell away in Josh's presence. It was only a moment's struggle, though, over by the time he let his breath out, and he turned a faint smile back on Josh as he slid his hand around further and curled his fingers over Josh's hip, right about where the towel dipped.

"Did you move your instruments to your studio?" he asked, trying to shift his focus back to the state of the room - and the state of Josh's mind - rather than his almost overwhelming physical presence and the way his skin almost burned with want.

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	fatedtouch 2011-03-27 03:03 am UTC (link)
	Josh folded both hands over Kevin's shoulder and leaned his chin to them, closing his eyes with a sigh. "No. I got rid of them." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	_touchless_ 2011-03-27 03:12 am UTC (link)
	Kevin froze, blinking down at Josh in shock. "You got rid of them?" he finally asked, enunciating each word as if he didn't quite understand their meaning. "What do you mean, you got rid of them?" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

fatedtouch
2011-03-27 03:36 am UTC (link)

He drew away with another sigh, and slipped from Kevin's arms to go search for clothes. They couldn't have this conversation with him half- okay, mostly - naked. It wouldn't be fair.

Rummaging through his drawers, he pulled out a tee shirt and slipped it on. Then a pair of boxers, followed by jeans. Slipping on a hoodie last, he gestured for Kevin to sit on his bed.

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_touchless_
2011-03-27 04:05 am UTC (link)

Kevin pushed both hands through his hair and watched in frustrated silence as Josh ignored his question and went about getting dressed. The fact that Josh had gotten rid of his instruments was more than enough to keep him thoroughly distracted from the display of skin as Josh dropped his towel and then layered up.

When Josh was finally finished he reached for his hand and tugged him with him as he dropped onto the edge of his bed. "What the hell, Josh?" His voice was soft and his expression confused. "What's going on?"

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fatedtouch
2011-04-01 01:02 am UTC (link)

Josh turned his hand in Kevin's, twining their fingers before giving his hand a squeeze. "Music stopped loving me," he replied. He looked up at him, head tilted downward. "It used to have all the answers. No matter what I was feeling, I could get it out, I could make it make sense." He leaned into him. "All of this...My music couldn't save me." He traced over the hand clasped with his own with his free one. "It abandoned me."

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_touchless_
2011-04-01 01:55 am UTC (link)

"Oh Josh." It came out on a sigh. He wanted to pull Josh close, but the hand he could have done that with given the way they were sitting was already occupied holding Josh's hand. And it wouldn't have been safe anyway. Not really.

"This is too big a mess to expect even your music to be able to sort out," he murmured, voice hitching slightly. His expression was tired and sad and he reached across to Josh's hair back with careful, not quite trembling fingers. "Don't give up on it over this, it's no more gonna stop loving you than I or...or Julian ever will," he added quietly, looking down at their still clasped hands.

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	fatedtouch 2011-04-01 04:02 am UTC (link)
	"It's too late for that," he replied, resting his head carefully to Kevin's shoulder. "It's left my life." He looked down at their hands. "I want it to be the last thing that does," he added softly. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

_touchless_
2011-04-01 04:25 am UTC (link)

Kevin closed his eyes, hung his head and swallowed hard. He hadn't thought his heart could break any farther, but apparently he'd been wrong. The thought of Josh without his music, the music he'd fallen in love with almost as much as Josh himself, and that it was gone because of him, made his chest go so tight it felt like his heart had stopped, and he kept his head down as he swallowed back tears.

"You're not gonna lose me, Josh," he finally answered when he thought he could do it with a fairly steady voice. He didn't quite succeed, and his accent was thicker than it had been in years. "No matter what happens I'll always be there." Even if it was only occasionally, or at the end of an internet connection again. He took a long, slow breath and squeezed Josh's hand a little tighter, then made himself finish. "Even if you'd rather be with Julian."

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fatedtouch
2011-04-01 04:32 am UTC (link)

Josh sighed. It was a moment or two before he lifted his head. "Kevin..." He shifted, moving away slightly so they could face one another, though their hands remained clasped and their knees pressed firmly together. "I don't want it to be either or. I know it's selfish, but I don't want to lose either of you." He lay his free hand to Kevin's forearm.

"When you said you wanted me to know touch, not to...deny myself it...I don't think you understood what you were saying to me. I want to explain it to you, because every time we talk about it we argue. And I realized yesterday it was because we had different things in mind. Different definitions of touch."

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	_touchless_ 2011-04-01 05:57 am UTC (link)
	Kevin didn't look up as Josh spoke. He knew he wasn't anything like a good enough actor to keep the hurt off his face and he wasn't going to do anything to make this worse if he could avoid it. "You don't have to, Josh," he murmured, shaking his head slightly and still not looking up. " (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

fatedtouch
2011-04-01 09:25 am UTC (link)

"Yes," he replied. "I do."

He took Kevin's other hand in his and ducked his head to meet his eyes. "Touch is something we see differently. Because of our circumstances. To you, touch is...touch. Being able to freely lay a limb against someone else's. Skin against skin and nothing more. To me...touch is...life. Touch is the means by which I use my gifts, how I spend most of my time healing. But, it's more than that." He sighed. "Kevin, I touch people all the time, every day for hours on end. I touch them to train. I touch them to heal. I touch them when I'm in a match. I get so much touch that it...I compartmentalize. There's so much, I need to separate it between what's for me and what's for others, and what's somewhere in between.

"There's the touch in my life that is for and about others and no more. And there's the touch in my life that is about me."

He looked down at their hands for a moment, as he gave them a squeeze. "I know you know me better than it comes across sometimes. And I know sometimes you don't feel like you know me at all." He looked up at him again. "It's confusing and frustrating, and makes no sense at all. But it's there, and it haunts you. It haunts me too.

"With my powers...sometimes it feels like I just exist to further other people's lives. I know better, and I don't think it all the time. But in my darker, woe is me moments..." His mouth pulled sideways in a line momentarily. "I just can't help it. The touch that's for me, Kevin. The touch that I don't share, that's private, that's mine alone...those moments were always Julian's." He paused, inhaling and releasing it slowly. "All these years, when you were so far away, whenever I needed to be held or comforted, it was Julian whose arms I ran to. He was always there. He was always as private as me about it. Sometimes we'd just sit there holding each other and letting it all roll over." He pulled Kevin's hands into his lap. "When you came, suddenly I had more of it." He had to squeeze his hands so he wouldn't reach up to caress his face. "Julian had less, but he didn't complain. He felt...he knew he'd have to share me with you. That those touches belonged to you first and foremost. I guess...maybe he felt like a stand in sometimes...

"Touch for me...It's always firmly grounded in feelings, in emotions. You wanting me to have touch, to get it from others...I can't have it without it being emotional. It can't just be about skin on skin for me. Because that, to me, is just business. It's just everyday. It doesn't mean anything.

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fatedtouch
2011-04-01 09:25 am UTC (link)

"For it to be the kind of touch I need...there has to be an emotional attachment. There has to be love.

"It took me a while to work it out. I've never had to before. But you made me face it. Made me define it. And I realized the reason I've been struggling with it so hard is because the thing I can't do for you is the very thing you can't accept." He blinked to keep the moisture back. "I can't give him up," he added softly, shaking his head. "I can't give that up. Holding and being held and just letting go.

"And I wish...I wish you could understand. It doesn't mean I love you any less. Or that I need you any less. Kevin..." He released one hand to reach up and lay a hand over his boyfriend's heart. "Without you...I'm not anyone. Your love and attention, your dedication...it's what's kept me alive. You define me. And this love for you..." He shook his head slowly. "I can't even try to express it. There are no words...no notes...no strokes to do it any fair amount of justice." He leaned in and pressed a deep kiss to Kevin's shoulder. "I don't want to lose you," he continued, drawing back. His fingers flexed against Kevin's chest. "I don't want to lose us.

"But this...this thing between us is always going to be there. No matter how hard we try, we've opened the box, and it'll never go away. And I wanted you to know what your offer means to me. What touch means to me." His hand slid down, catching in Kevin's elbow. "It's not about sex. It has nothing to do with lust. It's a deep, emotional connection. True touch. It's an expression. Skin on skin isn't what I need, Kevin. And even if I wanted, skin on skin I wouldn't be able to give up. My heart and soul is in this power of mine, and it needs to physically connect in order to do good." He drew Kevin's hand up, settling it over his own heart. "The way it rests, the way I rest, is by giving that control up. By letting go of the need to know every last little fact and abandoning myself to the simple joy of the warm weight of a person who is not going to let go. In a love so deep, it turns on its bearer for the sake of its beloved.

"You do it. Julian does it. And you've both been frustratingly dedicated in it to the point, that you've let me get lost in it. It's just as much my fault. I let you. I let myself. But now you want me to choose. I can't. Because to me, neither of you is business as usual. When I try, I can't separate you. You're a part of each other in me. And I can't still be me without it. Without you. Both of you."

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_touchless_
2011-04-01 06:48 pm UTC (link)

He held Josh's gaze when he ducked down to meet his eyes because looking away would have hurt him, and he wouldn't hurt him more if he could help it. He just had to force himself to keep breathing through the pain, force a small, fixed smile into place and hope Josh couldn't read him well enough to see each word strike home and shatter what was left of his heart into shards so small as to be meaningless.

He'd meant it when he'd said Josh didn't have to explain...mostly because he hadn't wanted to hear. He didn't want confirmation of everything he was pretty sure he'd figured out already. That somewhere in the last five years, while he'd been falling hopelessly in love, building all his dreams around Josh and the plans they'd made, it was Keller who'd become the bedrock of Josh's world. That no matter how much Josh loved him, or thought he did, it was Keller he couldn't live without. That he could walk out of Josh's life again tomorrow, go back to being nothing more than an occasionally pixelated face on a screen, a slightly distorted voice over an internet connection, and Josh would be fine. Just like he'd been fine without him for years.

It was Keller Josh needed in his life. Keller who gave him what he needed to make it through the day. Keller, and Keller's fucking touch, that he couldn't live without, not without falling completely apart. He'd seen more than enough proof of that since Sunday, and he'd do any damned thing it took to make sure he never had to see it again. The week of silence and anger and avoidance had hurt like nothing he'd ever felt before...until he'd been faced with zombie Josh the last few days. It seemed like the last few weeks had been an ongoing exercise in finding out just how much pain he could live through, and every time he thought he'd found his limit life seemed to up the ante.

He curled his hand slightly where Josh had placed it over his heart, gloved fingers catching in the fabric of Josh's shirt. He'd never wanted to touch him more, and he finally had to look away because he was terrified that if he didn't he'd lean in to kiss him.

"It's-" His voice was rough and he had to stop and clear his throat before he could continue, though amazingly there wasn't even a hint of tears. "It's okay, Josh," he murmured.

And holy fuck, his voice was almost steady and the hand he slid up Josh's chest and over his shoulder to curl around the nape of his neck was barely trembling. If anything he was in worse shape than he'd been in on Sunday - he couldn't remember the last night he'd slept through, the last liquefied, vitamin-enriched, tube-fed excuse for a meal he'd managed to keep down...or the last time anything organic but Josh hadn't been a decaying husk - but watching Josh the last few days had pulled him far enough out of his own pain and fear to do what he should have been able to do in the first place.

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_touchless_
2011-04-01 06:49 pm UTC (link)

"You can't lose me, I don't know how not to love you." He squeezed the nape of Josh's neck lightly, pulled him toward his shoulder because it was the closest he could risk and he wasn't strong enough to let go. Not yet. "But I meant it. You don't-" He had to pause again and take a deep breath before he could look back up at Josh, gaze steady and expression as smooth as he could make it over a world of heartbreak. "You don't have to explain, and you don't have to...to do this." He waved a hand vaguely between them before curling it tightly against his own thigh and letting his other hand slip away from Josh's neck to join it. He kept his gaze fixed on Josh's, though, and his voice almost painfully steady. "You can't help what you need, Josh. It's not your fault that it's not me."

He'd hated that fucker Franks for five years and felt guilty as hell about it the entire time. He shouldn't hate someone he'd hurt so badly, even if it had been the older boy's fault. But he'd never hated him half as much as he did in that moment. In the realization that the years apart hadn't just hurt for themselves, they'd lost him everything that really mattered. Eventually he'd tell himself it wouldn't have mattered, that Josh would have needed Keller's touch just as much even if he'd been physically there the entire time. It wasn't like he could ever be enough even for someone 'normal', after all, and Josh and his need for touch were anything but. But just then hate was what he needed to get him through this on his feet.

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