Who: Autumn Harding [Horse of a Different Color] What: Her state of mind right now. Character Development. When: After this Where: Her apartment Rating: R for nudity, but nothing sexual. Obviously? Status: Complete Narrative.
Yes, Autumn was crying now.
She had actually done a decent job lately, just making herself busy by cleaning her apartment meticulously and watching movies. No romance, nor did they have any semblance of it in them. She was smart enough to not do that to herself right now.
Not smart enough to avoid journals though. Rylee had been trying to get a hold of her, and Rylee needed her. Autumn needed Rylee. But at this point, Autumn didn't know what to do. She would get nothing but a tongue lashing from Rylee should she break down and call her, and not only that, but she wouldn't know at all what to say. Both of them were being stubborn, and both of them were being selfish. And Autumn realized how detrimental her little escapade was getting, should the people she need the most, Rylee, Ty, and her brother and sister, Tevin and Spring, decide to reach out to her. She wouldn't know the first thing to say, or the first thing to do, to get things back the way they were.
She needed a shower. She needed to cleanse herself of this crying and all around horrible feeling in the bottom of her stomach that was making her so self-deprecating. She walked into the bathroom, avoiding looking in the mirror at her eyes that she knew would be red and puffy. Those usually pretty, happy blue eyes where going to show nothing but sadness and hopelessness. She shed her clothes slowly, and placed them on her counter next to her towel. She opened the glass door, and closed it behind her before turning the silver faucets to start the water rushing down.
...And it didn't help. Because all her mind was thinking of was what got her to this point of exile in the first place. She couldn't help but relate to Rylee. She needed someone to be there for her right now. The four people she cared about right now, the nearest and dearest to her, didn't seem to care. Not to her. But now that she was looking at it, she knew Micah cared about Rylee. He loved her. Yet he was acting like he hadn't cared either. She knew deep down that everyone she was distancing herself the most from cared. But the point was, they didn't notice when she needed them the most. She needed to know at that moment that they cared.
She couldn't control her knees as they pretty much gave, causing her to sink to the cold, wet floor of the shower. She must have looked like she just got shot in the chest. She slowly brought her legs out from underneath her, and curled them up to her chest, the water just rushing over her head as she began to cry harder. She hugged her knees close to her, her shoulders starting to shake.
She hated that she needed them too. She was off to prove she didn't need them, and it was like it all went to waste. Shane had said she relied on people entirely too much, and she didn't want people thinking that about her. Especially if that someone was Ty. She never wanted him to think that she wasn't a strong person, but she feared that that was how he viewed her. The fragile little girl that he had to save all the time. Just another inconvenience to him. She dropped her head, resting her forehead on her knees as she just simply started sobbing.
She stayed like that for a while, just crying and crying, until her water started to run cold. She finally composed herself enough to stand up and turn off the water, her crying beginning to slow. She grabbed her towel and wrapped it around her before grabbing her dirty clothes. She walked through her room, through the kitchen, to the door leading to her washer and dryer, tossing those clothes in the washer. She wiped the last of her tears away, and closed the door.
She walked back into her room, but on shorts and a sports bra, and climbed into bed. She turned her head to look at the clock. Two in the morning. What did her mom always do when she was upset? Listen to music. INXS. She opened up her laptop and put it next to her on the bed. She opened her music player, and she had an INXS playlist already made. She pressed repeat, and shuffle, so that it could keep playing if she fell asleep. She laid her head down on her pillow and stared at the ceiling as the first song started playing.
And that song happened to be "By My Side." She started singing along with Michael Hutchence softly with the first verse.
In the dark of night Those small hours Uncertain and anxious I need to call you
Huh. Weird. She stopped singing, thinking that a little odd that that was the first song it picked. Once the chorus came on, she started her singing again though.
In the dark of the night Those small hours I drift away When I'm with you In the dark of the night By my side In the dark of the night By my side By my side By my side I wish you were here I wish you were here
Okay.... No more of this song. She sat up and decided to just use her whole library to sort through That should work. She shuffled it again, and pressed play. Jann Arden's voice came over the speakers, an older song decades old, but Autumn still liked it.
...At least she thought she did. She started singing along, but again. the lyrics...
Oh I really should have known By the time you drove me home By the vagueness in your eyes Your casual good-byes By the chill in your embrace The expression on your face That told me you might have some advice to give On how to be insensitive
That just reminded her of... someone. She turned and hit next track, waiting to see what else this was going to throw at her.
This next song caught her though. As much as she didn't want to think about what the lyrics entailed, she couldn't help but sing along with it, and not change it.
And I thought of all the bad luck, And the struggles we went through And how I lost me and you lost you What are these voices outside loves open door Make us throw off our contentment And beg for something more? I'm learning to live without you now But I miss you sometimes The more I know, the less I understand All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again I've been tryin' to get down To the heart of the matter But my will gets weak And my thoughts seem to scatter But I think it's about forgiveness Forgiveness Even if Even if you don't love me anymore
Tears started coming to her eyes half way through the song, and she started getting so choked up that she couldn't sing anymore. She let silent tears fall down her cheeks as she just stared at the ceiling and listened to the rest of the song.
She picked up her cellphone that was on her nightstand. She had turned it off over a week ago, but something possessed her to turn it on. She grimaced through tears as she saw how many voice messages she had, and cleared the screen of it. Not checking them. She opened her address book, and scrolled down until she saw Ty's name highlighted. Her finger hesitated over the green call button before she quickly scrolled back up, over her brother Tevin's and her sister Spring's name, and right to Rylee. She wanted to call her...
But she couldn't. She closed the phone quickly, set it on the nightstand, and looked back up at the ceiling as the instrumental part of the previous song came to an end. This next one was bound to make her smile, right?
Wrong.
Billie Myer's voice came on this time. Another old song, but still good, and seemingly a little too perfect for this situation.
Hello Can you hear me? Am I gettin' through to you? Hello Is it late there? There's a laughter on the line Are you sure you're there alone? Cause I'm Tryin' to explain Somethin's wrong Ya just don't sound the same Why don't you Why don't you Go outside Go outside Kiss the rain Whenever you need me Kiss the rain Whenever I'm gone, too long. If your lips Feel lonely and thirsty Kiss the rain And wait for the dawn. Keep in mind We're under the same sky And the nights As empty for me, as for you If ya feel You can't wait till mornin' Kiss the rain Kiss the rain Kiss the rain
Autumn let it get to about that point when she slammed the computer lid down, making it go in to hibernate mode, and thus shutting the music off. She curled to her side, tears beginning to stream even harder down her face. She reached up, grabbed the phone, turned it off, and threw it to the floor. She had dug herself in a hole, and there was no way she was ever going to get out. She didn't know what she could do to make it right. She didn't know what she could do to help herself not hurt anymore, or hurt others in the process. Whenever she thought she was fixing it, things just ended up worse and worse. It just brought her back to why she was doing this in the first place. She thought it would help, but apparently, it wasn't. She felt all out of options. Her mind was going into overload, and she felt like it was shutting down on her. She felt like her whole life was crumbling all at once.
She grabbed her pillow and curled up around it, soon making it drenched on one side with her tears. After crying for a good half an hour, she finally managed to cry herself to sleep.