Dismounting from his horse, Sidney felt his heart thudding in his chest so forcefully he thought it may well break his ribcage. The weather was perfectly sunny, a treat for early English Summer, the Campion estate washed in warmth as he approached it. Gravel crunching under his boots, he attempted to bite back the smile that kept trying to escape as he walked beneath the pillared entry. To appear too eager was indeed not very gentlemanly so he did his best to remain neutral – a difficult task to undertake considering what was about to transpire. The doormen that greeted him nodded in recognition and gave him a cordial smile, “I shall go and fetch Miss Campion, you may wait in the sitting room just inside,” one of them said, beckoning Sidney to follow him into the grand home.
As he walked he could feel his grandmother’s diamond in the pocket over his heart, sitting in a velveteen box, waiting to be presented to his future wife. Wife. Such a peculiar word, but one that he was wholly prepared to commit his life to, and Eliza would be perfection at his side. Unmatched in both beauty and societal standing, quick wit and an intoxicating presence. He hadn’t been able to keep his mind off of her since they’d met at the midsummer’s eve ball not three weeks prior and as the days passed it had been hard to keep up. Her brothers and father had been most welcoming, inviting him along to fish in their privately stocked pond, and her mother the ideal host when he came to dine with the family. While Sidney knew he was expected to marry and continue on the Parker legacy, he hadn’t expected things to fall into place so perfectly.
Hearing someone approach Sidney leapt to his feet in anticipation, his hand rising up to rest over his breast pocket. Unable to hold back his smile any longer he found himself beaming as the doorman returned with Eliza in tow, “A mister Parker to see you, Miss Campion.” The doorman lingered for a moment as Eliza found her spot next to Sidney on the davenaux, but as he assumed of what was to come, quietly left to give them a moment alone.
She was a sight to behold, her long blonde air twisted elegantly in a plait atop her golden head, and her deep green eyes reflecting the sunlight as it spilled in through the window. Her pink gossamer dress one of his favorites dotted in small white flowers. He could hardly keep himself together as she settled next to him and he immediately reached to take her hands in his. “Miss Campion–” then, “–Eliza,” he said earnestly, tilting his head down ever so slightly so that he could meet her gaze, “Nothing makes me happier than to be in your presence.” But as he looked he noticed something was awry. The smile she gave him in return was hesitant, her hands not holding his as tightly as he remembered, but perhaps she was feeling under the weather. Surely what he was about to ask would lift her spirits.
“Yes,” she replied softly, finally bringing her own gaze up to meet his, the smile on her lips faltering when she could not match the energy he had brought to this moment.
Brow furrowing Sidney decided to push on and reached a hand into his pocket to produce the small box containing his grandmother’s diamond, and the smile returned to his lips once more with genuine excitement. “Eliza Katherine Campion, it would make me the happiest man in the world if you would do me the honor of becoming my wife,” and as he opened the small box the diamond inside caught the sunlight and glittered brilliantly outward, refracting over and over upon the wall like stars in the night sky. Biting his lower lip in anticipation, he tore his eyes away from the diamond to take in what was sure to be an exuberant reaction, but he found in its place a grimace. An almost pitiful expression given to him as she pulled her hands away and stood from the daveneaux.
“Sidney, I–” she started to give him her reply and time suddenly slowed, Sidney feeling every breath that left his lungs. His mouth opened every so slightly in protest, but she continued on, “–I cannot accept your proposal. I’ve promised my hand to Lord Harrington of Derbyshire.”
I’ve promised my hand to Lord Harrington of Derbyshire.
Lord Harrington? But how?
Her words echoed over and over in his mind as the box slipped from his hand and onto the floor, the diamond tumbling with it bluntly onto the lush carpet beneath him. Looking away from her, he blinked over and over perhaps in the hopes that the scene would change, that she would be sat next to him again saying Yes! as he gathered her up into his arms. But to no avail.
Instead the seconds ticked by so painfully, until her voice swam into focus and he heard her say his name again, “Sidney? I’m sure you understand.” She had leant over every so slightly to look into his eyes once more before giving him a small nod and a curtsy and turned to leave the room.
Understand? No. He did not understand. She never once mentioned another suitor, not once during the blur of weeks leading up to this, not once when he’d kissed her, not once when they’d spoken about their futures together. Not once.
As she opened the door several of the house staff were waiting just on the other side, having listened to the entire exchange, and all but the doorman scattered as Eliza gave them a dismissive look. There were a few apologies when she pushed through them and into the corridor, heels clicking methodically against the hard tile floor as they carried her further and further away. The doorman gave Sidney an apologetic look and cleared his throat to stand at attention. “Mister Parker,” he said, breaking the silence, “I trust you know your way out?”
His stupor broken, Sidney slowly lifted his head and realized he was quite alone now, the warmth of the sunlight gone as it had retreated behind the clouds. “I–” he started, the realization of her rejection beginning to settle, “–Yes.” Bending to retrieve the small box and wayward diamond from the floor he hurriedly shoved them both back into his pocket and moved out into the corridor. It was empty now save for a woman dusting the Campion family portraits that lined the walls and as Sidney looked up at the painting of Eliza, he felt himself cracking.
“Good day,” Sidney choked out and turned away from the other man, moving toward the door at a near-run. He could not leave soon enough and when he finally burst out onto the marble steps his chest was heaving, tears streaming freely down his face. His horse had been brought round and he said nothing to the stable hand as he grabbed the lead and climbed atop his mount. “Ya!” he yelled, snapping the reins and driving his heels into the horse, leaving the property at a full gallop.
The wind picked up and whipped his face as he took off across the field, catching his tears and flinging them off into oblivion as he sobbed openly now, his heart feeling as though it had been shattered into a thousand pieces. She would never be his. He’d been living a lie, courting a woman who had clearly been entertaining another man, someone older, someone better, someone she saw a future with and it was not him.
Sidney Parker wasn’t good enough.
Sidney Parker wasn’t enough.
Then, as he drove his horse to run harder and harder, the rain started and doused them both in a curtain of bitter cold. He felt himself getting pulled into utter sadness, felt his himself hardening against the emotions swelling in his chest, and the tears stopped. Anger burned bright, resentment, a destructive want building.
If Sidney Parker wasn’t good enough then what did it matter? It did not.
And if it did not matter then he did not care.
Did not care about marriage, about love. It was all transactional and the sooner he bought in the better.
“Ya, ya!” into the rain he rode and rode and rode until the cold and the wet soaked him to his core, until he could not feel anymore, and only then did he finally stop.