As I Continue to Bastardize The Little Mermaid
And now…onto part two! Which is just as terrible as part one. Eegads. In this next episode of Fincent Valentine and Fishyroth’s epic love, will we see any character development at all? No! Will there be improvements in the grammar? Don’t get your hopes up! Will we see random plot maiming? Oh, buddy, you bet! Sephiroth was absolutely floored by the other's beauty. He had never seen such a magnificent creature before.
Jenova’s curves were laid deliciously bare before him, glistening with perspiration in the light of Meteor –
Sephiroth awoke with a start. Damn, he thought. Only in my wildest dreams.
Long black hair, pale skin, crimson-blood eyes, a delicate soft yet strong face and a long slender body that made his blood boil.
Vincent jerked awake at the sound of someone choking and gurgling. To his right, a long-haired merman was twitching and gasping, and it appeared the water around him was bubbling. Upon further investigation, Vincent realized that the merman’s temperature was actually so high that he was making the surrounding liquid boil.
With a shrug, Vincent pulled out his Cerberus and put the poor creature out of his misery. Then he drifted off, wondering how the hell he had acquired a fish tail and why his gun was working underwater.
But now after stumbling across this work of art napping in the coral, Sephiroth found himself with a change of heart.
Sephiroth always was a fan of Van Gogh, and seeing his favorite sunflower depiction, laying abandoned in the coral, brought a tear to his eye.
He preferred to watch the other as he slept from his hiding place behind a particularly large patch of coral.
With binoculars. And x-ray goggles, to pierce Vincent’s shell bra (you know he’s wearing one – this is uke!Vincent we’re talking about).
Suddenly his musings were interrupted as he sensed an evil aura nearby.
Rape senses… tingling…
Had Sephiroth been anyone else but himself he might have missed it
Like on Tuesdays when he put on a white dress and swam over the volcanic vents in the ocean floor so that his skirt would fly up in the water currents – he did so love to be Maryfin Monroe.
but as he was a great and noble warrior his senses were attuned and refined to detect the faintest and most minute changes in the water.
In fact, right now he knew that the king was masturbating, some ugly merman was sneezing, and several clownfish were giggling and slipping on banana peels.
Looking back again at the pretty, sleeping merman, Sephiroth feared for his safety and decided to act.
“Let’s get the fuck out of dodge,” Sephiroth said to himself, swimming away as fast as he could.
Vincent had been in the middle of a wonderful dream when he felt a shudder travel up his spine. And soon he became aware of being observed.
Aw fuck, Vincent thought to himself, this is one of those fics where I get fin-raped, isn’t it? He sighed. This was the third time in a week!
Opening his eyes, he was greeted by the vibrant, green eyes of a beautiful merman with silver hair floating above him.
“You have hair floating above your head,” Vincent deadpanned. “Oh, shit, my toupee! Now everyone will know of my male pattern baldness!”
Sephiroth gazed down at Vincent with a smile on his face.
Vincent scrambled to get his rape whistle before it was too late.
Prepare yourself for chapter three, viewers. It gets worse.
Vincent stared up into the most gorgeous eyes he had ever seen completely unaware that said eyes held the same sentiments as they stared back at his crimson orbs.
Hmmm, Vincent thought, I wonder if he’s worried about fin-rape too.
Sitting up and putting a bit of distance between them Vincent took in the Adonis in front of him.
Sephiroth: “What are you doing?” Vincent: “Taking you in, you Adonis.” Sephiroth: “Why does it seem as though you’re absorbing me?” Vincent: “It’s called osmosis, silly.”
"Hello, I'm sorry to disturb your sleep but I felt that I should warn you that this area isn't safe at the moment."
“Rape is lurking in the beautiful coral as we speak,” he said seriously.
Vincent, having not said a word so far or taken his eyes away from the orbs that seem to have ensnared him, merely nodded meekly to the pretty vision in front of him.
“AH, GET ME OUT OF THESE ORBS!” Vincent cried as Fishyroth laughed malevolently.
Sephiroth did not relinquish his hold on the other's hand, but instead drew him close as he began to lead them away from the coral and towards Sthryst Mehr the capital that housed most of the Mermen population.
Sthryst Mehr?
Okay, my scientists are calculating what the possible meaning of this word could be…
The equations are being entered…
The language barriers are being analyzed…
…yeah, it’s bullshit.
So engrossed in Vincent's eyes Sephiroth nearly forgot the dark presence that had led him to escort, and possibly protect Vincent, from the area. But as they were leaving the reef barrier that marked the entrance of the coral field Sephiroth took a quick glance behind his shoulder when Vincent wasn't looking.
Good, he thought. I don’t need to be on guard. Obviously, Fincent is the one who will be getting surprise butt-raped in this story, and it won’t happen when I’m around.
All the way back to Sthryst Mehr Vincent and Sephiroth talked and got to know one another.
Sephiroth: “So what do you do in your free time?” Vincent: “I like to pet fish and lie in coral reefs. And this one time, the woman I loved/stalked betrayed me, and her scientist baby-daddy shot me up and experimented on me, and I went to sleep in a coffin for thirty years to absolve myself of my sins.” Sephiroth: “I love lying in coral reefs and petting fish! We have sooooo much in common!”
made up ever excuse in the water-proof book.
Oh ho ho, I see what you did there, you clever author! You’re taking common colloquialisms and turning them into water-related things! How clever! And by clever, I mean the opposite of that. What’s the opposite of clever?
Oh, right. Stupid.
But soon it started to get dark and Sephiroth being the gentleman that he was
would never walk a man home without boning him. Fish-boning him. Um… butt-sex!
Some distance away in the coral reef, a dark presence lurked in the shadows of the coral as the setting sun descended into the far way water
And then the ocean caught on fire and all the mermen boiled alive. Except for Fishyroth because he is immune to boiling blood, apparently.
he black and red visage of the powerful creature known as Chaos swam in lazy circles
Chaos had a small problem in that his face liked to swim around without him. He had gone to the doctor many times, but he was getting tired of those over-the-counter coral remedies.
It brought its pale face closer to inhale (Anorexic Whale: Can you inhale underwater?)
Yes. And then you drown. NOW STFU AND QUIT RUINING YOUR GLORIOUS BADFIC.
The pretty smells aroused it.
EWWWW SHARK PENIS. Or…something?
The pretty merman was in heat and
Yuffie-fish (I imagine this looks somewhat like a clown fish): HAHA, Vincent’s got his man-period. Vincent: YOU STFU. *eats chocolate ice cream*
Chaos's cunning mind started formulating a plan on snagging the pretty creature away and from under the nose of the other pretty silver haired warrior.
Did we mention that Vincent was pretty because Vincent is pretty and Sephiroth is pretty and mermen are pretty prettyprettyprettyyyyyyyy*seizure*
Yet, still. The other had a powerful presence about him. It's best to be cautious. And it he was still adamant about capturing the pretty crimson-eyed merman.
Yeah, Sephiroth does sort of give off that I’m-going-to-destroy-your-planet-and-feed-you-to-my-zombie-virus-mother-and-sail-the-cosmos-on-a-smoldering-heap-of-blackened-corpses vibe, doesn’t he?
He would make for a perfect mate.
Watch out, Chaos! Vincent has a rape whistle!
STAY TUNED FOR THE NEXT EXCITING INSTALLMENT OF…
All My Fin-Babies! As the Waves Turn! The Bold and the Salty! One Fin To Live!