Rufayette Morgenschoss (zeiss_manifold) wrote in spork_squad, @ 2010-07-20 18:56:00 |
|
|||
Entry tags: | delcat, extend-o-clits, fetish fail, kennings, quamp, text snark, we're having consensual sex, weeaboolean logic, yuri, zeiss manifold |
"HOW TO WRITE ADULT FANFIC", BY QUAMP (PART ONE)
Zeiss Manifold: Tonight, we bring you something a little unusual; it's not bad porn per se, but it is the worst writing about bad porn we've ever seen. Presenting: You Want To Write Adult Fanfic, by Quamp.
Zeiss Manifold: The Squad has a bit of a history with this "Quamp" character - he was a member of the Why, God, Why? forums, on which some of the snarks here were originally posted. Quamp was a longtime veteran of that site and its predecessors, and yet the years spent reading deconstructions of badly-written porn had absolutely no effect on him, as evidenced by his authorship of a long, long series of terrible smutfic chocked with lines like "Yoko had seized Kamina's boner with the force of a car crusher."
Delcat: Hey, The Brave Little Toaster messed us all up in different ways, okay?
Zeiss Manifold: Normally we’d be content to let bygones be bygones, but it was brought to our attention recently that Quamp has a Deviantart page, on which is listed the absolute worst advice on sex-writing that we have ever read. Upon seeing that impressionable youth were taking this stuff seriously, we decided to take action.
Delcat: You mean, more action than making an *awesomeface* comment on it so he'd baaaaw? Which he did?
Zeiss Manifold: The children are at stake, Delly.
Delcat: But...but...*awesomeface*! Awww, okay, for the kiddies, I guess.
Zeiss Manifold: Let's do this!
Delcat: Better translated as "Get your head down there if you want me to blow you, mister".
Zeiss Manifold: "Intricacies of love" = "Blowjobs"
Delcat: QUAMP SPEAKS OUT FOR THE KIDDIES
Delcat: Despite writing terrible Azumanga Daioh lemons. THINK OF THE CHIYO-CHANS!
Delcat: Is he saying that porn should always be pay? Is that it?
Delcat: It's okay if little Timmy watches quadruple-amputee dickgirl threesomes just as long as he's supporting the economy doing it?
Zeiss Manifold: I think that's just his personal philosophy regarding these things - which makes him settle for footage of car crushers when he's broke.
Delcat: It's like he found those sites with women foot-pumping gas pedals and focused on the entirely wrong part of them.
Zeiss Manifold: "no I am not actually a computer whatever could have given you that idea"
Delcat: Because for every good writer, there are twenty-five bad ones, but they can't be convinced otherwise?
Delcat: Oh, no, sorry, it's because you PERSONALLY must enlighten the masses. My bad.
Zeiss Manifold: I'm bordering on the fussy here, but it has to be said that Quamp's prose makes me think he leanred to talk from a case of over-literally-fansubbed moe shows that he found in his Skinner box.
Zeiss Manifold: Quamp's share of liveliness comes from his mastery of fic, neh?
Zeiss Manifold: But what determines this statistic after all? Sturgeon's Law? Or something dumber?
Zeiss Manifold: Quamp's seen that Story of O movie, he knows 'bout S&M
Delcat: Whoa whoa whoa. When did this become BDSM-specific? That's the single problem plaguing smutfics today? Not OOC, not terrible grammar, not an impetus to write sex without plot or reason? Just BDSM?
Zeiss Manifold: Also "TEH", 'cause it's really a Sailor Moon MSTing from 1998
Delcat: Good God, he has those too, don't get started in that direction.
Zeiss Manifold: Well yeah...gags, restraints, whipular devices...do you have any idea how much it costs to write a pornfic these days? Back in my day, the only props we used in our porn were grass and reeds we found in our backyards, for FREE dammit! 'Couldn't bind anybody with those!
Delcat: You didn't work hard enough then :|
Delcat: Oh yeah, did we mention Quamp is in his (30's, 40's?)?
Zeiss Manifold: You heard us Quamp, pull yourself up by your own cockstraps!
Zeiss Manifold: YOU GON' GO HELL
Zeiss Manifold: Spirit's allergic to latex, it seems.
Delcat: But...but...dominance is present in nearly all sex acts, not just BDSM. That's in the nature of sex. Unless you're very particular about it, someone's gonna give and someone's gonna take, no pun intended.
Delcat: I'm not saying there needs to be a bitch/butch situation at all times, because that's patently untrue, but sex is an aggressive act by nature, and thus involves aggression toward a--wait, am I waxing Freudian here dang
Zeiss Manifold: I can't imagine what Quamp's house is like. There's probably a post-it note attached to his hairbrush that says USE BRISTLY END ONLY
Delcat: But that's not the fun end of the hairbrush at all! Having lived through puberty, I can attest to this!
Zeiss Manifold: Don't start talking like that, Del, Quamp'll smell your fumes!
Zeiss Manifold:
Zeiss Manifold: well then why are all the cool kids doing it
Delcat: Uh, I think the idea is it leaves the submissive one FULL, actually.
Delcat: I can imagine Quamp's sex life, if he had one I mean. It'd be like Senate proceedings.
Delcat: The girl all being "fuck no I'm not doing anal" and him filibustering until she has no choice
Zeiss Manifold: What if I wrote a fic where the couple negotiated a D/s relationship before the good parts happened? Would Quamp implode?
Delcat: You mean, if you wrote it like it ACTUALLY HAPPENED IN REAL LIFE? Yeah, he wouldn't be able to bear it.
Delcat: ...oh wait, I wrote that fic! I should send it to him, it's violent and vicious and 100% consensual :D
Delcat: *head in hands*
Zeiss Manifold: i want hard realism in my fics about moeblobs dammit
Delcat: Zeiss...Zeiss.
Delcat: I don't even know how to snark that, it's so wrong.
Delcat: I don't know whether to go with the "read a fucking psychology book dipshit" route or with the sarcastic "But my TF tentacle incubus fantasies are as real as it gets" path.
Delcat: Mostly I want to shake him and scream in his face after eating something that smells unpleasant.
Zeiss Manifold: The closest this can come to making sense is if Quamp is one of those folks who thinks that writing a fic about a character getting raped creates an alternate universe where that character exists and really is raped.
Zeiss Manifold: Then again, there's also an alternate universe where I think LoGH sucks, so really, fuck alternate universes
Delcat: Yeah, maybe in that alternate universe rape is peanut butter or something
Delcat: Quantum, always bloody quantum...
Zeiss Manifold: There's a similar idea that takes the quantum proposition that every particle has an opposite, corresponding twin somewhere in the universe to posit that in alternate universe, fic rapes YOU.
Delcat: I was wondering why my ass hurt :|
Zeiss Manifold: A study done by the Vagueness Insitute, located in the nondescript hills of the historic Place
Delcat: *head on desk*
Delcat: OH REALLY, A PSYCHOLOGICAL STUDY WAS NEEDED TO SHOW THAT RAPE IS BAD
Delcat: FUCKING CALL JOHN DOUGLAS, HE NEEDS TO KNOW THIS FOR PROFILING
Delcat: So let me just...let me get this straight, Zeiss.
Delcat: I DON'T have rape fantasies because I like the idea of giving over control to someone in a controlled situation.
Delcat: I DO have rape fantasies because I read rape FANFICTION.
Delcat: Like, I just idly clicked into one and my sexuality was permanently altered by it.
Delcat: And FURTHERMORE, this is going to lead to me wanting to ACTUALLY BE RAPED, i.e., being taken against my will in a non-controlled situation, i.e., the contextual OPPOSITE of a rape fantasy.
Zeiss Manifold: One should always be responsible in one's writing and keep in mind an impressionable audience, says a man who writes favorably of putting one's genitals into landfill machinery.
Zeiss Manifold: …There are reliable relationships between pornography use and sexual aggression, but the story isn't so straightforward. For individuals with relatively low risk for sexual aggression, porn consumption has only a slight relationship with sexual aggression. The relationship becomes significant and pronounced only when the individual is already at a high-risk for sexual aggression.
Zeiss Manifold: If you can bring out the science, Quamp, I can too.
Delcat: SOMEBODY NEEDS TO D<
Zeiss Manifold: Don't try to talk to a sexologist, you motherfuckers are lying, making Quamp pissed.
Delcat: *siiiiigh* Quamp, honey, people who can't separate fantasy from reality have more problems to worry about than badfic.
Zeiss Manifold: Like when the Power Rangers are stopping by their neighborhood.
Zeiss Manifold: We're gonna take you down now with some smooooooth Quamp jams designed to get you in the mood.
Delcat: Quamp's wearing jams? Ew.
Zeiss Manifold: Pah, I've got an idea for an in-media-res pornfic. It starts right in on the act and jumps around in time, keeping the reader in suspense over whether they used lube or not!
Delcat: As opposed to penises just dropping out of the sky and into vaginas, which is more of a fanart thing.
Zeiss Manifold: That's the last time I'm letting you watch that Jan Švankmajer sex-ed video, Delly.
Delcat: "Blow my whistle, baby!" ...said the White Rabbit.
Delcat: Speaking of which, I sure am downloading a lot of bondage porn on /y/ while we're doing this, boy howdy.
Zeiss Manifold: Literary studies have set the rate of sentences going from parsable to wonky bad suddenly at three.
Delcat: Suspicious bastard studies have set the rate of Quamp going from boring to bullshit at .2 seconds.
Delcat: It just fluctuates back and forth constantly
Zeiss Manifold: Quamp is a many-splendoured thing.
Delcat: Young side...18-30? Aren't most of the kids writing smutfics these days, like, fourteen?
Delcat: And what the fuck, you can't understand the ~*INTRICACIES OF LOVE*~ until you're fucking THIRTY? What the HELL.
Zeiss Manifold: Don't worry Quamp, at least your old lemons are still preserved on magnetic tape at UNIVAC.
Delcat: But I threw out his favorite woodcuts, unfortunately.
Zeiss Manifold: That's a relief, otherwise he'd ask you if you wanted to see his etchings.
Zeiss Manifold: Classy.
Delcat: Zoot Suit Riot (RIOT!)
Imbibe a half-glass of red wine in a callow fashion
Zoot Suit Riot (RIOT!)
Have careful negotiations about the sinful act of fornication
Delcat: ...it ain't got that swing :|
Zeiss Manifold: Remember: When portraying sex, you should be realistic until it's gross.
Delcat: She had a pimple on her mons from shaving. He ignored it, as his own sack was hairy and sweaty, and he felt he could give her this blemish for the favor of denuding herself, for it reminded him of his favorite underage Azumanga Daioh characters.
Zeiss Manifold: Careful, they'll throw hymens at you!
Zeiss Manifold: You know what I'm Quamping about.
Delcat: Quamp, honey, I really, REALLY doubt that you have EVER seen a woman take it in the rear in real life.
Delcat: Also, it should be "Why? Because touching the clit feels good, dumbass"
Delcat: And "Inserting things into the rectum hurts? WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WRONG?"
Zeiss Manifold: Meanwhile, Quamp charts his observations from his Buttsex Observing Satellite, high in geosynchronous orbit.
Zeiss Manifold: Nope. Not touching it.
Delcat: It's just so telling
Delcat: Who the fuck uses an anal thermometer on a kid old enough to form memories, anyway? Those are for babies D:
Zeiss Manifold: ...Did Quamp graduate valedictorian from Femboy School?
Zeiss Manifold: Tonight on Doctor Who.
Delcat: What...but...no it's not!
Delcat: ken·ning
/ˈkɛnɪŋ/ Show Spelled[ken-ing] Show IPA
–noun
a conventional poetic phrase used for or in addition to the usual name of a person or thing, esp. in Icelandic and Anglo-Saxon verse, as a "wave traveler" for a "boat".
Delcat: Fuck, now he's giving bad English advice as well as bad sex advice!
Zeiss Manifold: Don't tell me the dictionary is promoting the evil BDSM agenda as well, Quamp.
Zeiss Manifold: Is Quamp writing Viking porn now? What's going on?
"He eagerly put his tongue into her pee-pee hole."
"He stuck his ya-ya into her wa-wa..."
"He ordered her to lick his tee-tee maker..."
I had to wonder if this was a seven-year-old doing porn.
Delcat: Yes, a seven-year-old TROLL, and he was STILL better at this than you.
Delcat: Anyway, I'd think you'd LIKE talk like that, considering you get a bone on for the kiddies.
Zeiss Manifold: Wouldn't calling everything "wa-was", by Quamp's logic, make the porn more obtuse and thus not encourage readers to rape people?
Delcat: What...does that even mean
Zeiss Manifold: THAT QUAMP NEEDS THERAPY
Delcat: I don't habeeb it!
Zeiss Manifold: Believe in the Quamp that believes in you!...or he would if he wasn't convinced that you're a debased fanfic rapist.
Delcat: Um...write the plot first and the porn second? Make excuses at the speed of light?
Delcat: one or the other, here
Zeiss Manifold: Finally, Quamp gets back at the School of the Holy Beast film crew for not letting him lick the rose whips.
Delcat: ...I'm not sure what you call a Freudian slip when it doesn't actually slip so much as offer you a lap dance. Quamp, is BDSM okay or not? You can't say you don't approve of something and then give tips on it!
Zeiss Manifold: Quamp & The Art of Moeblob Maintenance.
Zeiss Manifold: Quamp: *HINT HINT*
Delcat: Yyyyyyeah. You don't like rapefics at ALL. You've just put waaaay too much thought into them because of how BAD they are.
Delcat: Especially putting all that thought into Mio fucking crying, fuck. Okay, Quamp, which of us is healthier--the one that likes dubcon but likes happy endings, or the one that "disapproves" of BDSM but wants to see his favorite fictional characters cry?
Delcat: ...STOP FAPPING AND ANSWER ME
Zeiss Manifold: AKA The Quamp Memorial Tissue Depository
Delcat: Great, now porn is a Berenstein Bears dilemma.
Delcat: because that's not a sweeping generalization at all and femmeslash is never written by women, oh lordy no
Zeiss Manifold: ME NO LIKE EMOTIONS, ME ONLY WANT EAT DEER
Delcat: What the fuck? One? Just ONE thing that you can think of that women can't do together? What is this mystical one thing?
Delcat: Fly?
Zeiss Manifold: Enter the West Wing?
Zeiss Manifold: Know both the location of a strap-on and its velocity at the same time?
Delcat: Become sanctioned priests?
Zeiss Manifold: Catch a Shiny Pidgey? WHAT IS IT QUAMP
Delcat: Neither could Winry. *rimshot*
Zeiss Manifold: *~FREUDIAN~*
Zeiss Manifold: So everything flies in yuri save for extend-o-clits. GEE WOW WHAT USEFUL ADVICE.
Delcat: Seriously, that's the one thing that you've seen that a girl couldn't actually do? What the fuck kind of rock have you been under? I saw a picture JUST TODAY of a girl with nipples so long she could (and did) tie them in a bow around a dude's dick. Are you saying THAT'S possible?
Zeiss Manifold: Come with me
And you'll be
In a world of clitoral elongation~
Delcat: Come with me
And you'll be
In a world beyond Quamp's imagination
What you see will defy....................
Delcat: explanation
Delcat: If you want to view paradise, simply have a thought and write it
And as for the real world, spite it
Wanna have two dicks
Delcat: There's nothing like it
Delcat: There is no fic I know
Like those based on pure imagination
Writing there, you'll be free
If you truly wish to beeeee
Delcat: *sniff* Zeiss, hand me a tissue. No, wait, hand me two, my tentacle monster is tearing up.
Zeiss Manifold: ...Uh, it’s a good idea not to handle the tissues when Quamp's involved.
Delcat: I give you hazard pay for a reason sir
Delcat: OHHHH MR. DARCY
Zeiss Manifold: "Heathquamp! It's me, Cathy, I've come home-"
"Keep quiet, woman, you're interrupting K-ON! >("
Delcat: Buh...which...which is it?
Zeiss Manifold: …Car crusher.
Delcat: Oh he is like humping one RIGHT NOW
Zeiss Manifold: He is, but every time, it stops at the last minute
Zeiss Manifold: FUCKING TOASTER