Rufayette Morgenschoss (zeiss_manifold) wrote in spork_squad, @ 2010-05-10 09:22:00 |
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Entry tags: | christian crap, delcat, fundies, psychology fail, the truth for youth, zeiss manifold |
THE TRUTH FOR YOUTH - "BIBLES NOT BULLETS!"
Zeiss Manifold: TOTALLY HOW MENTAL ILLNESS WORKS
Delcat: ooooooh golly. This is gonna be a rough one, isn't it?
Delcat: At least we have another comely butch girl as protagonist.
Delcat: Those sure are some dead kids. Mmmmyep. Dead, dead kids. You know, for kids!
Zeiss Manifold: When loudly shoots Dennis’ gun, what was sundered and undone shall be whole, the two made one, by Heflin hand or else by none.
Delcat: Aw man, and all I've got's lesbian jokes. You're such a dick, bein' all highbrow an' junk.
Zeiss Manifold: I don't know what the prophecy means, really. Something involving bibles. And bullets.
Delcat: I'll just go back to drafting my "Schizophrenia and How It Doesn't Work" paper.
Zeiss Manifold: PERHAPS THE WORDS OF SOMEONE HE TANGENTIALLY KINDA KNOWS CAN STOP THIS MADNESS
Delcat: Please tell me the upshot of this one isn't "schizophrenia = DEMUNZ" because I do NOT know how else to read this.
Delcat: I must say, Dennis IS a lot more menacing since he hit puberty.
Zeiss Manifold: I like how the word "Bullets" is convienently drawn with bullet holes in it, just in case we forgot what a bullet is or something. Why "Bibles" is written in Laser Tag font, though, is not so clear.
Delcat: Please say it's a cautionary tale about using sniper rifles at point-blank range instead.
Delcat: Panel 3: Officer on the far right is goin' in for the scrote twist defense, there.
Delcat: ...that's it?
Delcat: That's seriously it?
Delcat: The kid just gunned down two people in a hallucinatory fit and the tract is actually about BIBLE SMUGGLING?
Zeiss Manifold: Well, there are more important issues to deal with. Namely CHRISTIANS ARE UNDER ATTACK
Zeiss Manifold: …FROM MARIONETTES, judging from the first panel.
Delcat: "What she did was brave and bold and unbelievably dangerous! We should thank her for endangering herself and risking upsetting the killer! Remember, kids, Jesus wants you to waste your life doing stupid things! It's the American way!"
Delcat: Panel 3: No seriously, those are some dead-ass kids. That was a SNIPER RIFLE at POINT-BLANK RANGE. Stop pretending you don't know what that means, we all know you fundies love your guns.
Zeiss Manifold: Maybe Dennis had scoliosis and could only aim for the legs? I got nothing.
Delcat: Panel 4: In which two teachers have anal sex to relax after a lockdown.
Delcat: Seriously, WHY THE FUCK IS NO ONE FLIPPING OUT. WHY.
Delcat: "Huh, dead kids. Welp, movin' right along."
Delcat: Do fundies think that this just happens every other Tuesday in public school?
Zeiss Manifold: But really, is everyone still hiding in the lockers? Is that it?
Delcat: Maybe the school consists entirely of those four kids. There's an old guy in a ten-gallon hat outside painting "POPULATION: 2" over the old sign.
Zeiss Manifold: STOP, HEFLIN TIME
Delcat: It's...it's really about the Bible club.
Delcat: Wow, this one is the closest to a Chick tract we've seen so far. CURSE THAT CRAZY RELIGION THING, I'M OLD AND EVIL AND I NEED TO BE CHANGED.
Zeiss Manifold: "...And now instead of bibles, we have bullets!"
Zeiss Manifold: Well yeah, you ever tried loading a Bible into a glock?
Delcat: OH MY GOD, HE STATED A CORRELLATION THAT HASN'T BEEN PROVED TO HAVE ANY CAUSATION AND THAT HAS BEEN TOSSED AROUND FOR YEARS! THIS SOMEHOW CHANGES EVERYTHING!
Zeiss Manifold: "Whoa!"
Delcat: God, Zeiss, I don't even know what to say to this one. All I can do is gape at the abject stupidity.
Delcat: And the shapely ass in Panel 4.
Delcat: Does he realize that boys and girls...well...what I'm asking here, Zeiss, is...does he realize that they're...different?
Delcat: Because I'm seeing anatomy thrown around like bean bags, here.
Zeiss Manifold: Character designs by Katsuhiro Otomo!...'s pet ferret Lumpy.
Delcat: Also, Panel 5: "Back into public schools, and back INTO MY MOUTH NOM NOM NOM"
Zeiss Manifold: I'm more concerned about their collection of litmus paper, myself.
Delcat: Panel 3: "So our HURP for DURP DURP HURP has the same DURF of HURF DURF, legal DURP to HURP at HURF and HURP DURPS on this bulletin HURF as the DURP club does!"
Delcat: ...plus uke blush.
Delcat: Panel 6: HURP DURP UKE BLUSH EAT HAIR
Delcat: So either the protagonists can look like competent butch girls or like brain-dead uke boys.
Zeiss Manifold: They do realize that the Equal Access Act also protects Gay-Straight Alliances, right?
Delcat: It sure does, Zeiss! And clubs for other religions, like Buddhism, Shintoism, Wicca, and even Satanism!
Zeiss Manifold: And Onoism?
Delcat: Isn't that swell? We should thank them for letting us know our rights as gay Wicca Satanists!
Zeiss Manifold: ...WITH DICKS
Zeiss Manifold: Gee, you'd think Rush Limbaugh would be all for Christian clubs.
Delcat: Rush Limbaugh can't be for anything. He's too old and cranky and in need of a diaper change.
Zeiss Manifold: Oh hey, sports-free black people.
Delcat: I would just say "change" but that would be a bit too unintendedly punny.
Delcat: Rush Limbaugh: He paints with all the colors of the wind.
Zeiss Manifold: Is he trying to initiate the Dr. Who opening? What is that?
Delcat: I don't know, it's vaguely familiar but I don't think OH MY GOD WE'RE BACK IN THE FOREST OF HAIR
Delcat: SAVE ME ZEISS
Zeiss Manifold: Boy, they're going to be pissed when they open their bibles and it's nothing but "LOVE" and "VALOR" all over the place.
Zeiss Manifold: "My tie is a dowsing rod for the principal!"
Delcat: Either that or Dilbert's gotten grumpy in his old age.
Delcat: hogawd they just pulled the "kewl". For really and truly. Unironically. In 2004.
Zeiss Manifold: Panel 4: Yes, the First Amendment, which explicitly advocates the seperation of church and state, was passed after the Constitution was written. GOOD JOB
Zeiss Manifold: Wait, Arnold from the Magic School Bus went goth?
Delcat: So basically this thing is a gigantic ad?
Delcat: A giant, fourth-wall-breaking ad?
Delcat: "Hey kids, this is the extent of our brief, fictional universe, so let's shill this thing hard before we blink out of existence!"
Zeiss Manifold: And the bible has pictures of real people in a psuedo-mangaverse. This breaks five dimensions.
Delcat: That's why they were trying to usher in the Doctor, he's the only one who can fix this clusterfuck of time and space.
Delcat: SPOILER: None of them will, in fact, be there. They're just terrified of upsetting another obviously unstable fanatic after the Dennis the (Fatal) Menace incident.
Zeiss Manifold: We now return to your scheduled sports-bedecked black folks.
Delcat: You know what's really unbelievable about this?
Zeiss Manifold: What?
Delcat: Any member of the public school faculty giving a tin shit about a non-sports-related after-school activity.
Zeiss Manifold: Yeah, the Christian groups are only UNDER ATTACK because everything else not involving balls already is.
Delcat: THANK YOU LADIES AND GENTLEMEN WE'LL BE HERE MAKING SNIDE SOCIOCULTURAL COMMENTARY ALL WEEK
Toshihiro Ono: ~Did you say--
Delcat: We know you're lonely, Ono, we'll pick up one of your doujinshi or something later. Shut it.
Toshihiro Ono: ~Ohhhhh.
Delcat: Freedoms like...the right to bear arms? You know, that one that fundies absolutely love? The one that allows kids to get guns in the first place?
Zeiss Manifold: ...I can see an Onoverse crossover happening here, really. What if Tommy started an Erection Club instead?
Delcat: Oh God, you're right. Go back through in your head and replace all the Bible references with dicks and balls and futa.
Delcat: IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW.
Zeiss Manifold: Yep, because if there's anything that can help people with anger and mental issues, it's reading a book!
Delcat: So if there's no law against having a Bible in school THEN WHY THE FUCKING FUCKNUTS IS IT A PROBLEM?"
Delcat: You're not smuggling anything, you're just TAKING it!
Delcat: It's like trying to smuggle air! NOBODY CARES!
Zeiss Manifold: Because EVIL ATHEISTS are DISCRIMINATING AGAINST CHRISTIANS!
Zeiss Manifold: ...Even though most of the disputes over Christian school organizations I've seen are in regards to how the clubs are funded, and not the clubs themselves.
Delcat: I wonder who this attorney is. I wonder if he has a website. That could be epic.
Delcat: Panel 4: *James Bond theme*
Delcat: Aaaaand he starts pointing into the air and talking to something no one else can see. Pretty soon he's going to start shooting at it.
Zeiss Manifold: "SATAN NO SNIPING! SATAN NO SNIPING! SATAN NO SNIPING!"
Zeiss Manifold: "AWWWWWWW MAN"
Delcat: God, what a mess.
Delcat: Do any of these comics have any redeemable social value whatsoever? I mean, is there like one about not mainlining heroin or something that I could get on board with?
Zeiss Manifold: I guess the moral is:
Zeiss Manifold:
Delcat: I thought the moral was Christians are suckers for alliteration.
Zeiss Manifold: And that, you know, school shootings are caused by demonic posession.
Delcat: THAT DARNED PATCHY!