Delcat: Zeiss, I have a problem. Zeiss Manifold: What, Delly? Delcat: Well, the snow melting, the birds singing, the sun warming the world like a little ginger kitty snuggling a toddler made of lollipops...it's just so darned nice, you know? I can feel my faith in humanity being restored! Zeiss Manifold: Have you tried the usual solutions? Reading the news? Visiting an elephant graveyard? Invoking the name of Ono? Delcat: All at the same time, even! Zeiss Manifold: Well, I do have an idea, but it might be too much. Delcat: I'm willing to attempt drastic measures. Zeiss Manifold: Then open wide-
Delcat: ZEISS Delcat: I SAID I WAS HAVING MY FAITH IN HUMANITY RESTORED, NOT MY FAITH IN ANATOMY Delcat: I LOST THAT LONG AGO Zeiss Manifold: THERE'S NO TURNING BACK NOW Zeiss Manifold: Just look at those breasts clumping together. Delcat: JaHEEbus, look at that waist. I didn't know corsets were in style in Japan. Delcat: Or that wearing them long enough made your intestines migrate to your tits. Zeiss Manifold: Funny, I don't think this is a Franken Fran doujin. Delcat: Potential wasted, there. I mean, Franken Fran could rock the porn market, all she'd have to do is give girls like a dozen tits and four pussies. Zeiss Manifold: Maybe she will in the future, but as for now...
Delcat: Well, if not her, then who sewed these two together? Delcat: At least they look happy about it. Zeiss Manifold: They weren't sewn. They were hocked out of one block of sausage and oiled. Delcat: Same one as David Hasselhoff? Delcat: 'Cause that's not a road I want to go down. Ever. Zeiss Manifold: Nah, he's salami. This looks like bratwurst. Delcat: I'd say something about olive loaf, but that feels vaguely racist. Delcat: Also, now I'm hungry. Zeiss Manifold: Looks like they're suffering from inflammation of the shoulder sacs, too. Delcat: But it isn't yaoi!
Delcat: Okay, that's a really cheap way of making your work Head-Tiltingly Kinky. Delcat: It probably says something about the work we do that I initially thought the goggles were a pair of random neck-orifices. And even MORE that I wasn't at all confused or disgusted. Zeiss Manifold: Reminds me of that one Star Wars fic where Palpatine had collarbone sex. Are veins supposed to be pinkish? Delcat: So we can get a decent center-line on this shit, but we get huge gaps in spreads in manga like Battle Royale and Akira? That DOES confuse and disgust me. Fucking TokyoPop. Zeiss Manifold: What the hell is the guy on the...uh, bottom actually packing in there? A can of Mountain Dew? Wouldn’t that make one’s sperm taste horrible? Delcat: I dunno, ask the girlfriend of a WoW player. I mean, if you can find one. Delcat: Uh, Zeiss, I'm noticing a little...problem, here. Delcat: I mean, aside from the fact that her dick has wandered a good two inches off-center. Zeiss Manifold:
Delcat: Yeah actually I was referring to another anatomical quandary Delcat:This one, to be exact. Zeiss Manifold:
Zeiss Manifold: Do these girls have dicks? Something's depriving the rigidity from their faces. Delcat: What shameful things? No really, what'd we miss? Did she have to sing Raffi songs in front of a Visual Kei group? That's be pretty shameful. Delcat: More importantly, were they just shameful, or also lewd? Zeiss Manifold: When correctly viewed, everything is lewd. They possibly involved rapidly shrinking and expanding their spines, judging from the bottom panels. Delcat: God, these chicks' faces are just like when I briefly tried to draw manga-style and couldn't get the proportions right. Like, they draw the head and then just slap the features on any which way. Delcat: The difference is I at least TRIED to make them match the skull structure. Delcat: "Cheer up, my three knees and I will treat you at a restaurant or someplace. You may have to carry me, though." Zeiss Manifold: Her is eye is driting off suspiciously fetal alcohol syndromish in the middle.
Zeiss Manifold: ...And it doesn't seem to be a perspective issue either. Delcat: Are their legs just composed of vinyl sacks of Jell-o? Delcat: Possibly squeezed out of their waists and into their comically oversized hips? Delcat: There goes that eye again. Delcat: And blondie has four tits. See, I told you! Zeiss Manifold: Even the action lines are fleeing from the scene. Delcat: Is that it/? I thought they were on fire. Zeiss Manifold: No, it's a mass exodus. When vinyl hip sacks like those start movin', the results aren't pretty. Delcat: I think the end result is going to be their butts popping in slow motion, like that water balloon in the Mythbusters commercial bumper. Delcat: But with blood. Zeiss Manifold: That dildo is hand-of-the-original-owner-attached for her pleasure.
Zeiss Manifold: "Yes, Mayumi, your future." Zeiss Manifold: This....this isn't a Chick tract, is it? Delcat: Maybe? Maybe she's saying she doesn't understand God, rather than emphasizing "I don't understand you". Delcat: I mean, really. Don't the sandwiches you get from gas stations make YOU question if there really is a divine plan? Delcat: Usually in Hour 4 of sitting on the can with a wastebasket gripped in white-knuckle fingers? Zeiss Manifold: Or maybe she's prepared to go on about how the dickgirls will use their entire nuclear arsenal against Akihabara in the runup to Armageddon. Delcat: Judging by the last panel, it's actually an R.L. Stine manga where they turn out to be robots. Delcat: These backgrounds are making me antsy, man. Are you sure Ono isn't involved here? Zeiss Manifold: A fossilized fish tail and a pentagon. You figure it out.
Delcat: If I see a boat, I am running like the gorram wind. Zeiss Manifold: "Seriously, the end times are coming. Your ONLY HOPE is to give your heart to Ono." Delcat: Whoa, Zeiss. You didn't say this one was about six-year-olds in grown bodies. Delcat: ...semi-grown bodies. Delcat: ...mutant grown bodies. Delcat: ...bodies with collarbones that someone took pinking shears to. Zeiss Manifold: She just wants to meet a diligent, honest, faithful sauropod who doesn't lie, is that so unacceptable? Whoa, sorry for being so "politically incorrrect". Zeiss Manifold: Last panel: HLARGLEBLARLGLE Delcat: He looks like he's gonna pick her up like a piece of plywood in the second panel. Delcat: Protip, mangaka: Generally when talking, people look at each other, instead of trying to merge their eyes into a single sightblob by sheer force of will.
Delcat: ...Zeiss. Is the upshot of this one that Rosie the Riveter is a dickgirl? Delcat: And that she can rotate her head 110 degrees? Zeiss Manifold: Well, this sure casts "We can do it!" in a strange new light. Delcat: I didn't know arms were courage receptacles. The Cowardly Lion should have eaten more of them, then he would've been set. Zeiss Manifold: Is the artist aware that fingers are more than tiny, tiny machetes that fly through the air and latch onto things? Zeiss Manifold: Or that women's faces aren't usually lemon wedges? Delcat: I dunno, is he aware that noses aren't supposed to be able to carve a Thanksgiving turkey? Delcat: There's a real strong message here, but I have no idea what it is. Trust no one? Health is important? Big business is bad? Zeiss Manifold: Is this an Ayn Rand hentai?....I'm starting to yearn for Chick, really.
Delcat: "What are you looking at?" "You slathering yourself with an extra-large stick of butter?" Delcat: TWIST ENDING: THEY'RE LOBSTERS IN A GIANT COOKING POT Zeiss Manifold: BUT THEN WHO WAS BUTTER Delcat: At least her nipples are innies and not outies. That gets you teased like nothin' else in hentai school. Zeiss Manifold: They're stitched on, though. Delcat: God, it's like there's a gravity sink in her tits and in her hips and it's just sucking the flesh out of the rest of the body. Zeiss Manifold: There's no way they're even symmetrical, look at that. Delcat: I think that's a congenital condition, chronic mitokatamarichronditis. Delcat: *mitokatamarichrondritis Delcat: *yes it's important, this is SCIENCE Zeiss Manifold: *You amaze me. Delcat: Boobs: o_O Delcat: *mitokatamarichondritis Delcat: *THERE had to look it up Zeiss Manifold: Looks the other way around to me. Good to know that breasts don't really have any set of physical rules to adhere too, they just increase their roundness in response to stimuli.
Delcat: Fell for...what, exactly? Delcat: Getting naked in a place where it's expected of you to be naked? Zeiss Manifold: She used the Soylent Soap. Delcat: Letting her forehead crumple in on itself? Zeiss Manifold: Going to "Severly Indented Chin Daze" at TGI Fridays? Delcat: Ew, the background needs to shave its pubes. Delcat: Look, she got them all over her face. Zeiss Manifold: "My hip wedges are humiliating you!" Delcat: I'm surprised that tail found its way out of her cavern-like ass. Zeiss Manifold: Could this be a succubus we have on our hands? Delcat: Nah, succubi are shapeshifters, they could take care of that horrifying waist-crumpling. Delcat: And, y'know, succubi are actually attractive. Delcat: This is more like if succubi that had lived in isolation for generation after generation attempted to ape the human form from what they saw in hieroglyphics. Delcat: This is the last cry of a dying breed. Sad, really. Zeiss Manifold: Sorta like Plato's cave, except with jellytits.
Delcat: Meanwhile, Grandpa just wants to wash his hair. Delcat: "You're getting pussy juice in my shampoo, you goldurned hoodlums!" Zeiss Manifold: "Butt naked?" Good to know Ms. Frankburn's 3rd grade class' hentai translating skills are up to snuff. Delcat: Jeez, lady, calm the fuck down, she's not even DOING anything yet. Zeiss Manifold: Try saying anything with your tongue like that, it's fun! Delcat: Oh ffff, look at their blush. He didn't even bother to draw separate blushes, he just scrawled straight across both faces. Delcat: I can't say anything and it's also REALLY uncomfortable. Try it at home, kids! Zeiss Manifold: That or they both got hit with the same wave of flying pubes.
Delcat: Just don't try to do what her right arm is doing, unless you have two elbows too. Delcat: "It's easy when one of us can detach our legs!" "Yeah, otherwise scissoring is a giant pain in the ass, you know? Zeiss Manifold: And they can turn their legs into fins, too! Delcat: What is it with chicks in hentai pissing uncontrollably when they have their particulars rubbed? I know they're in the same place, but they're not connected like that. Delcat: Now if she was punching her in the kidneys, I could understand that. Zeiss Manifold: I dunno, do girls usually urinate when extremely elated? Boy, those Twilight release parties must have been hell. Zeiss Manifold: I'm guessing a comet exploded right over Trib Point Zero and flattened their pubes with the shock, Tunguska-style. Delcat: Protip: When girls get REALLY horny, thought bubbles start orbiting their heads. But ONLY if they're lesbians. Delcat: They're not even managing to hit either clit, it can't be all that good. Zeiss Manifold: They don't even look like they have clits. Waitaminute, the breasts and hips are wildly exaggerated while the center of female sexual pleasure is completely absent...maybe this is some sort of subversive commentary on hentai gender roles and idealization? Zeiss Manifold: ...Or maybe the artist learned proportioning skills from a fucking cactus, my bad. Delcat: Or maybe it's, I dunno, the result of hentai gender roles and idealization? Delcat: Sometime a cigar is just a cock. Page 17
Zeiss Manifold: AAH IYAA AAHN Zeiss Manifold: English script by Dead Can Dance. Delcat: IA IA COCKTHULHU Delcat: Jeez, they're about to bite those tongues straight off. Zeiss Manifold:
Delcat: ...y'know, I was about to say that this is just asking for an infection, but I guess pussies are actually used to being exposed to piss. Delcat: It's just disgusting in THEORY. Delcat: It IS asking for a colony of athlete's foot, though. Delcat: ...and now that I think of it, they're asking for athlete's pussy Zeiss Manifold: What, buzzards coming out of their vaginae and puking? Delcat: I mean seriously, they are rubbing their cunts all over a filthy public bath floor. They must have a fungus fetish. Zeiss Manifold: So, is the "stick out the tongue and wave it at shit" step really that present in the female orgasm? Delcat: Yes. It is to show people that we are having an orgasm and they should join in, much like a scared deer showing the white of its tail when it runs. Zeiss Manifold: You'd think they'd be able to aim those things, though; maybe the fungus has screwed up their depth perception. Zeiss Manifold: Nice back abs, btw. Delcat: Man, their asses are like the two/three-pronged pitchfork optical illusion. Zeiss Manifold: Spoiler: BOTH ASSES ARE THE SAME SIZE
Delcat: AHA, THE HOT SPRINGS WERE FORESHADOWING Delcat: THE PLOT CONGEALS Delcat: "Well, there's that old guy trying to wash his hair." "HOOLIGANS" Delcat: Panel 4: She's not worried about the guys coming in, she's just realizing that the other girl's tits are so heavy that they're actually about to fall off. Zeiss Manifold: Yes, the Liefield Memorial Baths are rife with this sort of thing. Delcat: THAAAAT'S what it reminds me of! I was sure I'd seen it before, and I was thinking back through every survival horror game I've ever played for some abomination of nature, all lumps and cartilage, but no, no, just Liefield. Thanks for that. Zeiss Manifold: Meanwhile, the routine of the baths is changed forever as horses evolve toes. Delcat: So how is the whole futanari thing governed in this instance? Do they get to pick whether they want to bathe on the girl's or the boy's side? Are they sorted by how they swing? Delcat: Honestly, you'd think at this point they wouldn't even care about separating sexes. Everyone has everyone else's equipment, who the fuck cares. Zeiss Manifold: Maybe there's a secret agenda behind it. Zeiss Manifold:
Delcat: How many of those do you HAVE? Zeiss Manifold:
Zeiss Manifold: Ah yes, the St. Jude Children's Hospital Baseball Team. Zeiss Manifold: OH DEL Zeiss Manifold: DEL GUESS WHAT Zeiss Manifold: GUESS WHAT Delcat: WHAT ZEISS WHAT Delcat: WHAT Zeiss Manifold:IT'S A WOMAN'S BUTT Delcat: OHHHH YOU GOT ME Delcat: HEY ZEISS Delcat: HEY ZEISS GUESS WHY Delcat: GUESS WHY Zeiss Manifold: WHY WHY WHY Delcat: BECAUSE THE MANGAKA IS A FUCKING PERVERT Delcat: I mean Delcat: WOMAN'S THIGH Zeiss Manifold: STILL IT'S A WOMAN'S BUTT I CAN'T BELIEVE IT Delcat: Although to be fair, it isn't immediately obvious. It does look like one of those fish you get way down deep below Benthian levels, the flabby bioluminescent ones. Delcat: Boy howdy I like the looks of those skyscrapers if you know what I mean Delcat: specifically meaning that it's a physical relief to look at those after looking at those horrible bent cocks Delcat: "DUDE DUDE" "WHAT MAN WHAT" "IT'S A WOMAN'S BUTT." "OMFG SERIOUSLY" "WHAT SHOULD WE DO" "LET'S LET'S LET'S LICK IT, LIKE ALL OVER" "DUUUUUUDE" Zeiss Manifold: MADE OUT OF DELICIOUS NOUGAT Delcat: I think they're all really stoned. Zeiss Manifold: Just imagine they're elephant trunks. Zeiss Manifold: And this is just a pleasant day at the zoo. Delcat: B-b-b-but you know I have an elephant phobia D: Zeiss Manifold: IT'S EITHER THIS OR COCKS CHOOSE ONE Delcat: IS SUICIDE AN OPTION?? Zeiss Manifold:
Delcat: Ohhh, the strong message is all women are whores. It's so obvious now! Zeiss Manifold: "Hard Eros"? Delcat: I...I dunno, lemme Google it. Zeiss Manifold: I tried it with quote marks and got something about German shepherds. Delcat: Yeah, me too. I vote we stop trying to comprehend. Delcat: "There's a common desire, and that is..." ...hats, apparently. Delcat: And shady eyes. Delcat: "hey bitch you maybe wanna lend a hand, here, I've only got so many holes" Zeiss Manifold: "AND BY HAVING ONE GIRL SUCK A COCK, I WILL CHANGE THE WORLD" Delcat: So is this what Maslow had in mind when he proposed his Hierarchy? Delcat: The secret sixth level of the pyramid is peeing on lesbians? Zeiss Manifold: Yeah, and they omit the Dongological level in most textbook diagrams. DAMN YOU TEXAS Delcat: What's going on in the last panel? Did she just shit the fabled brick? Delcat: If so, what is it she saw? Zeiss Manifold: LET'S FIND OUT
Delcat: A four-gun salute? Who died? Zeiss Manifold: I guess the blonde one. Her proportions grew ever wilder at the sight, 'till they exceeded the structure of the three-dimensional universe itself. Delcat: Dang, a time/space proportion lapse, I've been there, man. It ain't pretty. Worse, it's not covered by my HMO. Zeiss Manifold: More like prolapse amirite Delcat: That one toenail there looks like it could double as a letter-opener. Delcat: Wait, they're sisters? Did we know that? Or care? Zeiss Manifold: My best friend tried to grow his toenail into a shank once. He ended up getting it ripped out in a treadmill accident. Delcat: Was it covered by his HMO? Zeiss Manifold: About as much as bukkake was. Delcat: I'm learning art tips from this! Like, if you're too lazy to draw a background, just scribble pubes and cocks all over everything! Delcat: This is gonna make my Pokemon fanart so much better! Delcat: Speaking of which, CUMSLUT WAS HIT 4 TIMES Zeiss Manifold: YOU KNOW WHO ELSE'S POKEMON FANART WAS MADE BETTER BY THAT Delcat: OH FUCK YOU Delcat: FUCK YOU INTO THE GROUND WITH A PUDDING CUP Delcat: ah man I'm still hungry Zeiss Manifold:
Delcat: and if you didn't follow that one, kids, you haven't been keeping up on your Ariake Delcat: although we can't really blame you
Zeiss Manifold: My sarcasm detector's noting a reaction here. Delcat: Yeah, that's what I say whenever /b/ raids /y/ too. Zeiss Manifold: Then again, a bath is probably as good of a place to put a smelly dick as any. Delcat: Sadly, that's usually the only time when there ARE dicks on /y/ these days. Delcat: Ugh, you're right, you know? They came here because they needed to bathe, and they're a friggin' basketball team. It's gotta smell like microwaved socks in there. Zeiss Manifold:So many smelly dicks, don't you wanna go? Smell the smelly shower dongs when they smelly blow? Delcat: Why couldn't they shower up at the gym they were playing basketball at? Was it booked for a yaoi orgy? Zeiss Manifold: You’re so clean, you're so tiny! Every dong is silver-liney! The great escape for all of you! Smelly is as smelly do… Delcat: Is there a single bath or toilet in Japan that is actually used for its intended purpose? Zeiss Manifold: Del, the bathrooms in Japan only have one purpose, intended or not: Zeiss Manifold:
Delcat: What...oh, dude, you cannot just jam a panel in without any definition on a page like this, it's hard enough to read already. Zeiss Manifold: Oh, is that what it is? My brain just shifted three feet to the left there for a minute. Delcat: I thought there was a giant pussy monster about to eat them all whole. Delcat: kudos on not going for the "jam it in" riff, sir Delcat: Cock #5 just isn't feeling it today. He's not spurting so much as bibibibi-ing. Zeiss Manifold: Aww, poor guy. You think he's just had too much to eat? Delcat: I think he's got a bit of a tummy bug, poor thing. Can't keep a thing down. Including himself. Zeiss Manifold: Maybe the smell is just too much.
Zeiss Manifold: OH NO HER TIT ABSORBED ALL THE COCKS Delcat: THAT IS THE DARK SECRET OF LESBIANS Delcat: RUN COCK #5 RUN Delcat: And then her tits absorbed HER FACE AAAAH OH NO Zeiss Manifold: IT'S GOING TO SUCK EVERYTHING UP Zeiss Manifold: THE ANATOMY HAS GROWN SO BAD THAT NOT EVEN LIGHT CAN ESCAPE Delcat: AND YET THE PUBES ARE ABLE TO FLEE?? Zeiss Manifold: ...Wait, was the plot still going on all the while? I've lost track. Delcat: There was a plot? Delcat: "Look at me when you're talking to me!" "I'M TRYING" Zeiss Manifold: "It was 10 people. That turned me on." Zeiss Manifold: well gee golly Delcat: What if it was just nine? Zeiss Manifold: Then the ritual is ruined? Zeiss Manifold: They've put off summoning Ono back to Earth until the next solstice?
Zeiss Manifold: whaat Delcat: "I'm going to start an AV company! And my tits are going to be Vice President and Head Boy, respectively!" Zeiss Manifold: "That sharpens my face!" Delcat: Oop, she just hit her shut-off switch. That's not slutty girl yelling NO WAY NYUUUU~, that's blonde girl screaming at the realization that she's a robot. Delcat: A question, Zeiss. Zeiss Manifold: Yes? Delcat: WHAT THE EVER-LOVING FUCK DID THE FUTA AT THE BEGINNING HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING Delcat: I MEAN COME ON Zeiss Manifold: Well, obviously it's TO BE CONTINUED Delcat: I understand having unrelated illustrations in a manga, BUT EITHER YOUR CHICKS HAVE COCKS OR THEY DON'T Delcat: What, are they going to just pop 'em out over the weekend? Zeiss Manifold:
Delcat: God, it says something about my line of work when I'm flabbergasted when in the end, it turns out a girl DOESN'T have a giant cock. Zeiss Manifold: We've come a long way, huh? Delcat: Yes, but to where, exactly? Where are we being led? Delcat: I guess there's only one way to find out... Delcat: and that's to Delcat: FOLLOW THE SMELLY DICK ROAD Delcat: FOLLOW THE SMELLY DICK ROAD Delcat: FOLLOW, FOLLOW, FOLLOW, FOLLOW, FOLLOW THE SMELLY DICK ROAD Delcat: AND THEN A MUNCHKIN HANGS HIMSELF, BUT JUST FOR THE SHEER THRILL Delcat: DIDN'T THINK I'D WORK THE AUTO-EROTIC ASPHYXIATION TAG IN THERE, DID YOU? Delcat: oh man I need a drink wow Zeiss Manifold: