InsaneJournal

Dinner had gone well, or so Hans thought. Though he was a little concerned with how quiet Gretel had been throughout the evening. He really was trying to help her but he knew it was going to take time. With the kitchen cleaned up and the babies in bed, he finished up his usual nightly routine and went into the room he now shared with his sister. Four years of sleeping in a bed made it a little difficult to get used to sleeping on the floor, but he was happy to do it if it meant Gretel was comfortable. And since she was still used to that sleeping arrangement between them, he certainly wasn’t going to kick her to her own room. He got his pillow and blankets and spread them out on the floor next to the bed before lying down, though he wasn’t quite ready to sleep yet.

Gretel had tried to push herself into being social through the whole experience, but it seemed the harder she tried, the more gummed up and detached from the whole thing she felt. She’d even opted for more modern clothing, though her hair was still left in the style she was accustomed to- she listened to the excited chitter of Sophia, and answered her questions as best she could, but when the answers were more abstract- like questions about how she was adjusting, how she liked it here, wasn’t she so happy to be away from the hard life she’d been ripped away from… she locked up, and withdrew even further. By the time the night was over, she hadn’t spoken a word in at least an hour, possibly more. In silence, she went through the motions of a routine she didn’t recognize, or feel a part of. She put on sleep-clothes that felt flimsy and alien. And she watched her brother make his sleeping spot like it was a bad habit he’d broken himself of years ago. The back of her eyes burned hard by the time the light was extinguished, fueled by a heaviness in the air that seemed to want to collapse her lungs.

Hans shifted onto his side so that he was facing the bed. He did that quite often, not just because he liked to sleep on his right side. He liked to be able to see Gretel whenever he opened his eyes. Though lately he slept through the night, back home he was often plagued by nightmares that still did hit him occasionally. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly, closing his eyes to try to get to sleep. He didn’t want to push his sister. Didn’t want to make her talk about anything she didn’t want to talk about. She wouldn’t even if he tried.

It didn’t take long for her eyes to adjust to the dark, but it did longer here than ever before back in Germany, where the lights were not so easily accessible. A candle had nothing to the captured lightning in the little glass orbs in every room, but eventually she could easily pick out the outline of his shoulder. Also the strange new way his hair fell. The more she watched, the more painful the pressure behind her sinuses. It’d been building for days, piling up under the weight of everything about this world she didn’t understand.

When it finally clicked, there in the dark, that Hans was something to be included in that list, Gretel’s wall finally cracked. Without thinking, and with a sudden swiftness that sang of either panic or desperation, she shifted off the bed and curled as close to him as humanly possible. With her hand twisted in his shirt at his side tight enough to betray the subtle way it was shaking, and her head tucked under his chin.

Hans was actually almost asleep when Gretel curled up against him. He immediately wrapped his arms around her, pretty much on instinct. He was glad that the instinct was still there. Though what he didn’t like was the way Gretel clung to him. The shaking of the hand gripping his shirt tight enough to make it almost uncomfortable. He kissed the top of her head and just held her, sighing softly. “I love you, Gretel. I always will.”

His words and natural affection broke down the last parts of the wall Gretel had been desperately trying to maintain since being brought to this land. She huddled in closer, as if she would pull herself into him if she could. Her shoulders joined the way her hand trembled, along with the sounds of barely suppressed crying.

Hans just held her, reaching one hand up to gently stroke her hair. He didn’t know what to say and certainly knew only to hold her as she cried. “I’m sorry.” He started to hum, though he wasn’t sure what he was actually singing. It was a song that he’d known for a long time. That’s all he knew.

It went on like that for a long time- Gretel wasn’t keeping track of time. She wasn’t even actively thinking, just letting herself finally feel everything that had come down on her in the last week. His presence, his voice and the way he kept her close… for the first time since arriving, it finally felt like the Hansel she knew, and not just in her bones. That it’d taken an emotional breakdown for her to finally reach that point told her a lot about how hard she’d taken the change. Eventually, after the hardest part of her sobbing had leveled off, she started to go still. She still had a hard grip on him, but it was no longer shaking.

He just kept humming and stroking her hair. Holding her through the worst of the sobs. He didn’t care that his shirt was getting soaked. He just knew that his sister needed him in that moment and he would hold her until she moved away. When she finally calmed down a bit, he kissed the top of her head again. “You need some water?”

With her bottom arm, Gretel wiped at her face with her wrist and sleeve, feeling utterly scraped raw and drained, but still better than the emotional tsunami that’d completely overwhelmed her. She shook her head. She didn’t need water, not enough to let him go yet.

“Tell me about when you first got here,” she ground out weakly, a tone of voice only he ever witnessed from her. “Was it like this?”

Hans took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “It was….strange.” He frowned. “The older one was already here. And….older you was here, too. But she’s been gone for a while.” He cleared his throat. “I was…..very angry. Kept wanting to hit things. Throw things. I thought it wasn’t fair that he had his sister and I didn’t have mine. That they got to be together and we didn’t.” He closed his eyes, the emotions welling back up again. He’d pushed them down so long ago. He didn’t need to give in because she was here now. “I cried some but mainly I was angry.”

She curled just a little bit closer, reminded again that he’d had that separation, for years. It hurt just thinking about it, just as deeply as her terrifying detachment was.

“How long did it take to go away?” she asked in a tone that may have even been weaker than before. Barely a whisper above her breath. She wasn’t angry- Hansel had always been the one with rage; she was the one who picked everything apart, and felt every nuance of a situation, whether it was compassion, or righteousness, or pain and fear.

“It took a while.” He sighed. “And a lot of meditation.” He’d been waiting to tell her about this part. “The island….did something to me not long after I got here. Changed me. Made me different. There are a couple of other people here like it. They helped me. Taught me how to control it. And taught me how to meditate, to let the anger go.”

For the first time since she’d joined him on the floor, Gretel pulled back enough so she could look at his face. “Did something?” she whispered, clearly afraid to ask. The confusion and worry was sharp in her eyes, even in the dark. “Changed you how…”

“It’s kind of hard to explain. There’s a group here called the Jedi. They are attuned to this thing called the Force. And only certain people are sensitive to it. Able to use it, read it, sense it.” He made a face. He was really sounding a bit insane. “The island made me sensitive to it. And Kytana and Micha helped train me to control it. And helped keep me from turning to what they call the Darkside.” He really hated the way it all sounded now that he said it out loud.

Gretel didn’t think he sounded insane, but the concern on her face certainly hadn’t gone anywhere.

“...it sounds like magic,” she said truthfully, though there was another word lingering on the back of her tongue, one she didn’t want to say. One she couldn’t say. Witchcraft.

“It is in a way.” He nodded. “Life, nature….it’s all connected through the Force. I can sense others feelings, but I try to block it out. Don’t want to intrude. But some feelings come through whether I block them or not. Anger. Danger.” He touched her cheek. “Sadness too, when it’s strong enough.”

Gretel let go of a slow, shaky breath. Maybe he was able to feel all of this now- feel connected to this world, or it’s nature, or others living here… but he had always been able to feel what she was feeling. Maybe it was their own kind of magic- nothing so unexplained as witchcraft, but the bond of twins who had no one else in the world but each other.

This place had changed that for him, having separated him from her for so long. Maybe this Force thing was a way of repairing what had been lost.

“And it’s helped you…” she finally uttered, dropping a couple more tears, but the wave had more or less passed. She couldn’t imagine what he had to go through, being alone without her, for years. She’d only been without him for a few hours in this place and that was torture enough. Thinking about it really put her worries about her place in this world into perspective. Gretel curled back under his chin, again holding on tight- but in a different way, this time. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t there…”

Hans nodded, smiling at her. “It did help. There are so many things I wouldn’t have if it weren’t for this. For my training. For the….calm.” He wrapped his arms around her when she snuggled into him again. He kissed the top of her head once again and just held on. “I know you would have been here if you’d had a choice in the matter.” There was no doubt about that in his mind. “And if I could have gotten home, I would have.” Without a moment’s hesitation. Even knowing that he wouldn’t have Sophia, or the “family” that he’d built here on the island.