Spike (william_pratt) wrote in spinningcompass, @ 2012-12-02 00:07:00 |
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Entry tags: | !closed |
Who: Spike and Buffy.
Where: Church yard.
When: Now.
What: Spike breaking down under the pressure.
Status: High; Closed.
Spike felt how his lost shreds of hard earned sanity got away from him again. And he'd meant to reach out for them, to reign it back in again before they slipped away altogether, but it was too late. And he felt like he had no one to blame but himself. His guilt flared up every now and then, but it was a weak thing that was always smothered under the weight of his unconditional acceptance for the things he'd done. He faced the things he'd done head on and went on with his day. It wasn't the stuff that kept him tossing and turning during the day. Shouldn't have been.
But he wasn't as strong as he used to be, not since he'd hit continuous replay on a particular bad moment of his life. It had taken him in a vice like grip for a days, watching that scene over and over again until something in him had snapped. With the help of certain dear friends, he'd patiently worked on restringing it. And everything had been fine, at least for a while. He could be himself without anyone from his source around. But then they'd begun to trickle through, bit by bit. Buffy. Dawn. Faith. And with every word out of their mouth, that string grew more and more tense until it finally snapped. Again.
He'd all but stormed out of his apartment, willing his body away from the drama that was still unfolding. It was never going to be okay. It was never going to stop. His pace, rapid, slowed down when he got to the church ruins. No cemetery, but that was okay. It was something.
After one last look at his phone, it shattered against the stone pavement and let out one last ghostly light before it died out. With that hand now free, it reached up to rub heavily against his temple. "No no no no no no no no no no." This wasn't happening. This couldn't be happening.