Nick Cutler (history_maker) wrote in spinningcompass, @ 2012-12-01 21:18:00 |
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Current music: | The National - Terrible Love |
Entry tags: | !closed |
It’s terrible love that I’m walking in..
Who: Nick Cutler and Rachel Cutler.
Where: The beach.
What: Talking.
When: Late Saturday morning.
Rating: E for EMO again.
Open: No.
Status: Complete/GDocsed.
It had been a few days now. Cutler had gotten Maryanne to leave a short note on the table in the common area of the apartment for him. He'd explained that he needed a bit of time and a bit of space to get his emotions in check before seeing her again. And that he was sorry that he couldn't be the person she needed right now. A reply had been penned underneath, so Rachel had returned since his and Mitchell's little confrontation in the street. Her note in response was short as well, and explained that she understood but was not about to give up yet, and for him to see her when he was ready. Regardless of whether he'd wanted her to give up instead, Maryanne was right. Whatever he wanted to do, he had to do properly. For both their sakes. Cutler couldn't help but feel a little relieved that she wasn't there though, and despite having built himself up to seeing her, he decided that he would stay in the apartment overnight and find her in the morning. At least he'd get a better night's sleep and he could stop by Laura again in the morning. Except he'd hardly slept at all. He'd wound up on his laptop in the kitchen with a glass of red wine at two in the morning. It wasn't exactly what he wanted, but Cutler had had blood a couple of times since Rachel's arrival. Maryanne had collected some for him, and he'd calmed down enough to see Laura himself on his way back to the apartment earlier. He was still desperate for more, though, but it was enough to stop him going through the worst of it. And yet he still wasn't comfortable in any position for any length of time and if he tried to be still he couldn't help but notice the tremors. Cutler knew it wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't for the situation. It hadn't even been twelve hours yet. The vampire did manage to get some sleep a little further into the morning, but had still woken at a relatively normal hour, feeling a little worse for wear. He considered putting off seeing her again, but avoiding this wasn't really an option. So Cutler pulled himself together enough to see Laura again, to help him hold it together with Rachel. He picked out a phone for her on his way, assuming she was yet to find and activate one. Then he trekked his way to the beach. Cutler tried to keep calm as he approached her across the sand. "Hello," he said quietly as he reached her, not wanting to startle her if she hadn't noticed him. He was already feeling the urge to run away from this. --- Rachel had her eyes shut, letting the sound of the crashing waves lull her mind. Her body was blissfully calm. A calm that one could only reach after too much crying. She was still here. Life went still on, even after her death. Even after her heart had been kicked and stomped on. She was still here and the waves still crashed. A blissful nothing filled her head. No thoughts, no worries. It was the closest state to sleep she had reached during the last four days. But she would never sleep now, would she? She had liked sleeping. Especially, the first ten minutes when she slowly woke up. The sun that came through their window and touched her face. She always used to turn around and curl up on Nick’s chest. And then she heard his voice. First, she thought it was only in her head. That she imagined it. But she didn’t. It sounded too real. Too close. So, Rachel opened her eyes and there he stood. The ghost blinked against the intrusion of the sunlight. “Nick,” she said softly and straightened herself, brushing the sand from her dress. She felt unpresentable. Her hair was surely a mess and would he see the lack of sleep? Annie had looked vivid, like she had just gotten up, but Rachel felt far from it. --- He almost felt bad for interrupting her. The way she rushed to wipe the sand from her dress. It was the beach, it got everywhere. Even on ghosts, it seemed. He had half the mind to tell her not to worry about it, but he let her go. Cutler had been trying to work out what to say to her for days. It changed all the time. Different parts of him wanted different things or to say the same things differently. But now he couldn't quite call on any of it. He just stood there looking at her. He could almost have dismissed it all as some kind of nightmare, but it was clear that it wasn't. She was here. Everything that had happened had happened. He wasn't sure how much of it he regretted. He needed her to know, she needed to know, but what he'd rounded off his and Mitchell's argument with hadn't been fair. He should be the one to tell her. So perhaps he should start there. "I'm sorry for what happened with Mitchell. The two of us, we don't really get along. But.." he trailed off, looking out at the water before turning back to her. "If you have any more questions, I'll try to answer them." He owed her that. --- Rachel nodded. “Thank you,” she said. Now, the nervousness got her as well. She had been so sure ten minutes ago, now she wasn’t anymore. She smiled softly. “I appreciate it.” She did and she wanted him to know that she did. What should she ask first? She was afraid of jumping to the one question that bothered her the most. Should she start with a less dangerous one? A more polite one? Rachel opened her mouth before she shut it again, looking at the waves and the ocean. If she wouldn’t ask it now, she might never ask it. “Who are you now?” She glanced up at him after asking the simple question whose answer held so much power over her future. --- A small laugh escaped him as she asked her question. He wasn't even sure he knew the answer to that at the moment. He didn't know what answer to give her. I don't know seemed too pitiful of an attempt. Cutler found himself sitting down in the sand a short distance from her so that he could stare out at the water as he tried to offer her a response. Who was he now? "I'm a vampire. Who would do pretty much anything that wouldn't come back to harm me for blood. Who spent the better part of a lifetime trying to live up to the expectation and reputation of the vampire that made me. Who planned to do whatever it would take to 'make history'. To make it all for something." He'd clinged so desperately to his plans. Even after Hal had called him crazy on the train. Even after the train. He'd also been trying to ignore the fact that he actually genuinely liked some of the people here. Though events before her arrival had given him pause regarding a little of that. "But right now? I'm struggling with that," he admitted. "With you. With other people." With why, after how hard it was to lose, you'd want your humanity back. --- Rachel listened. Her hope began to sink. She recognised bits and pieces of the man she loved. But there was so much that didn’t fit. That Nick would have never done. And then came the part with the ‘right now’ and Rachel’s hope began to rise again. Struggling was good. He could change. “Then what do you want now?” Rachel asked softly. The hope she had was foolish, she knew that. She shouldn’t hope. But she did nonetheless. What else could she do? --- "I don't know," he said with a frown. "I'd like to be able to ignore it. To drown it all out. But I'm not sure that's an option any more." Not unless he wanted to systematically kill off the entire island. And even then, in the end, he'd be faced with that. Cutler wasn't even sure when this had started. Maybe it was the decrease in blood or the lack of other vampires or the fact that his plans meant nothing here. That people did. "And I don't think you'll let me." He glanced at her out of the corner of his eye. Whether or not she would, her presence couldn't help but bring up things he'd rather stayed buried. Because they hurt. And he didn't want to face them. He didn't know how to. He actually wished Hal was here, despite the mess that would be with Rachel. --- “No, I wouldn’t,” Rachel mumbled. His words were painful. Whoever stood next to her wasn’t Nick. Her husband would have never wanted to hurt someone like this man did. But he was still in there, wasn’t he? She remembered Mitchell’s words. She played them over and over again, tried to match them with what she knew about Nick and the man he had become. Maybe everyone in their position would do what they had done. She couldn’t imagine the hell they were going through. “Mitchell said that he continued to kill because he wanted to drown the memories,” Rachel said. “Do you want to do the same?” It was the only thing that would make sense to her. Everything else just wasn’t her husband. --- He almost smiled. He wished he knew what he was hoping to achieve here. This was why he liked being planned. But all of those had fallen as soon as he'd arrived or after that first question. Cutler couldn't help but look displeased at the mention of the other vampire, but he wasn't wrong. It was an unspoken truth. One he'd felt most other vampires mustn't have had. But he would have placed Hal firmly in that category and look what had happened there. The more you killed, the more there was to regret and the more you killed to forget it. It was a very neat cycle, in the worst possible way, of course. And it got easier and easier to let yourself believe that it was your right as a vampire. But if there was one thing these places had taught him, it was that he still had regrets. A lot of them. And, as always, blood helped him to forget them. "Yes," he said after a moment, not sounding too happy about the admission. Although he hadn't killed anyone since a pirate in Tortuga, which was a matter of days after his arrival on Thomas. But that wasn't to say he wouldn't have if the perfect opportunity had presented itself. Even now there was a good chance, although he wasn't exactly the epitome of stable at the moment. --- “What if you stop?” Rachel asked suddenly. It seemed to work for the other vampire. The memories - they might be there and in a way Rachel wanted them to have them. She felt bad about it. Not Mitchell but Nick. They had both caused so many nightmares and horrors. But Nick was still her husband. Her husband didn’t deserve it. The monster inside of him did but not Nick. “It just - he looks more at peace,” she mumbled. “Maybe if it worked for him...” She didn’t even know what she was saying anymore and so she trailed off. She just wanted things to change and didn’t know how. And then the ‘why’ pushed into her mind once again. Stubborn little question that it was. Why had this all happened? Why them? Rachel looked away. Tears were building in her eyes once again and she didn’t want Nick to see it. --- He laughed. Mitchell. "I don't think that's a good idea," he said simply. "One slip and it's all over." The vampire shrugged. Of course, that probably didn't make much sense to her. Addiction. How desperate you got. How reckless that desperation made you. How stopping wouldn't stop you from wanting it. But then did letting himself be ruled by it mean that he'd made his choice? He sighed along with the waves. It was a decent web he was trapped in the middle of, and he'd been the one to weave it. "That might be because his dead wife didn't turn up this week," Cutler said dryly. Despite him being a bit of a dick, he'd say he was generally more at ease than Mitchell. He got his peace while Mitchell was stuck with his memories. Cutler shook his head though. "It's the only way I know how to find peace at the moment." But maybe he knew, on some level, that he never really would with it. It was temporary. He couldn't see how you could find any without it though. --- No, it didn’t make sense. But there were so many things that didn’t that she tried to focus on the few that still did. “What about me?” Rachel said, getting up. Her voice had become pleading again. She didn’t want to sound like that but the calm she had had was gone now. “I can help you, Nick. I want to help you,” she said and reached for his hand. She loved him. She couldn’t help it. She heard him speak and she didn’t know why. And then she remembered all they had been. Before this. And it made sense. How could she not love that man? Rachel might not love who he had become but she loved a part of him, a memory of him. And maybe she could bring him back. --- He bowed his head slightly as she pleaded. What about her? He still hadn't worked that one out. "If you knew what was good for you, Rachel, you'd steer clear of this. Of me. I know it's not that simple," he shook his head. "I know you want to help me. But the blows.. they'll just keep coming. You don't deserve that." He looked out at the ocean. She didn't deserve that at all. To die at the hands of Hal, then babysit what he'd made of her husband. That was a cruel twist of fate. "I don't know if I want to be helped." That was what it came down to, really. So his humanity existed. But accepting that. Taking that back. He couldn't understand how you reconciled it with the things you'd done. The things that had been done to you. Especially when you were so kindly reminded of it all. He was holding it all at arms length and that was bad enough. How did you not just lose it? Vampires weren't exactly good at that kind of thing, after all. --- Rachel took his hand while he spoke and when he was finished, she cupped his chin with her free hand and forced him to look at her. This was not about the ocean, it was about them. She needed him to look her in the eyes. She needed him to understand. “Nick, when have I ever given you the impression that I would stay away from you because someone tells me to?” Rachel asked. Last time it had been her father giving the same speech. Frankly, the explanation had improved. Still, he wanted to remind him of how much they had fought for this relationship. “I need to give my death some meaning. Please, let it mean something. Let me help you. You know I can. I was always there. Let me be there now.” --- He didn't resist as she guided his face to look at hers. That was fair enough. But he found himself smiling at her words despite himself. "Apparently I got old," he smirked. "I sounded just like your father, didn't I? But. In this situation he would have been right." On some level though, he was glad she was still fighting. There were too many of those. Levels. He didn't know which ones to operate on any more. His and her meanings couldn't have been more different though. He'd tried to put meaning into being what he'd been turned for. Like fulfilling his 'destiny' would make it all all right. She wanted to do the opposite though. To take him back. He had half the mind to let her. "I don't know how," he said lamely. It covered everything, really. Stopping, letting her help him. He hadn't truly relied on anyone for a long time. He didn't like to. But she at least had an advantage there. --- Rachel smiled. He didn’t fight. He didn’t say ‘no’ right away. “You don’t need to, Nick. You don’t need to know everything. Let us find a way together. Believe in us,” Rachel whispered. Her hope was growing. A warm feeling spread through her guts. Then she leaned forward and kissed him. She pushed away his past, focusing on what might be, on the future they might have. --- "But I like to." It wasn't really a protest and it was said light-heartedly. "Or at least pretend to." But there was truth to it. Knowing helped you to be prepared. And he did like to be prepared. Although considering where they were and where he'd been before it, he was a little more used to dealing with the unknown and things outside of his control. That didn't mean he liked to though. The kiss was something he might have to get used to. It was like she'd just been sucking on an ice lolly, except probably more universally cold. It also served as a reminder that while she was here, she was still dead. And on top of that, he wasn't really in the habit of being kissed on a regular basis. But, odd as it all was, it was returned. He wondered what the hell had happened though. This hadn't exactly been in any of his plans. "Rachel," he said seriously. "If we try. Even before we get to if we try, I might still need some more time to wrap my head around this." Slow. He needed slow. Regardless of whether he did still harbour that love for her. She'd died because of him. And in a way that was designed to be particularly cruel to him. It was hard not to be reminded of that. And sixty-two years was a long separation. Even if he’d wanted to with all his being, he couldn't just fall back into that. It couldn't be easy for her either having him being what he was. Baby steps. --- His light-hearted protest earned him a smile. Yes, he liked to. Lawyer that he was. Rachel had always been the more spontaneous of the two of them. It was good to see that side of him again. It was a reminder that the man in front of him was really Nick. The kiss on the other hand was not. He kissed back which was good. It was more than she had hoped for. But it was awkward like he wasn’t used to it anymore. And Rachel guessed, he wasn’t. It was comforting though. It meant that there were no other women in his life. Rachel nodded. She suddenly found herself fumbling with his collar in a manner to straighten it. It was automatic. She had always done it. And the familiar gesture calmed her nerves. “Yes, okay,” she said, looking up at him. She knew it was foolish but she didn’t doubt that Nick would make the right decision. “You can have all the time you need. I suddenly got a lot more of it on my hands.” She immediately chided herself for the inappropriate attempt of a joke. She did not need to remind him that she had just died. It wasn’t his fault but it was clear that he blamed himself. --- He simply stood there as she straightened his collar. Presentable wasn't something you needed to be here. But it was a familiar gesture. Which was probably part of the reason he didn't dress differently himself. Cutler smiled a little. He wasn't unfamiliar with making light of rather morbid things. "You end up with even more of it in places like this." You had to keep yourself busy. Or at least he had to. Other people seemed to have their projects as well. Some more important than others. He remembered he'd collected a phone for her though and he retrieved it from one of his pockets now. "Welcome to the future," he said as he handed it to her. Although he moved around beside her and showed her how to get the screen working. "It's a telephone. Amongst other things. Something here automatically updates the address book, so you should be able to call anyone who's here or that turns up." He showed her how to access the contacts, picked his own name out and called his phone, which started to ring in his pocket. "You can send messages as text as well." He brought that up for her and encouraged her to try and type something. This way, if she could be in touch, he would feel a little less guilty about disappearing when he had to. --- It didn’t look like a phone. It looked like a mirror, a slightly dysfunctional mirror. And suddenly there were symbols and letters on it. “This is… amazing,” Rachel said. Her eyes were wide with awe. “It’s so small.” At least for something that could do so many things. “And doesn’t it need a cable?” Where did it get the electricity from? She watched every move Nick made carefully and then he suddenly wanted her to do something. She took the small thing in her hand. It weighed close to nothing. Rachel stared at the letters, unsure of what she should do. Nick had simply touched the symbols with his fingers. Maybe… she touched the screen lightly and letters appeared on the white empty box. NNNGHT. “Uhh, this…” She tried to touch the ‘H’. MJHH. “I think I do it wrong.” --- Cutler nodded. Yes, it was. He rather liked the future and its gadgets. "I wonder if anyone's got a 3D T.V.. That'll blow you mind. Or give you a headache." It was a fine line. "They used to be a lot thicker," he said with respect to the mobile phone, gesturing with his fingers. "And only really made telephone calls. Then they got smaller and had games like snake." He wondered if there was a snake app for this. Everyone liked snake. "Then they got colour screens. Email, which I'll explain to you later. And then.. everything. They're getting larger as a trend now so you can watch television programmes and play games on them." Really, it was probably an overload of information. But if there was one thing he'd enjoyed over the years, it was all the technological advances. Especially the internet. He couldn't help but smile at her attempt. Even for someone used to a QWERTY keyboard, these things could be infuriating to type on. "The backward facing arrow will delete that." He pointed her to it. "The rest is just a matter of getting used to. Where the letters are, pressing them with just the tip of a finger. But, then you can send notes to people." The vampire pulled his own phone out while she paid attention to hers, typed a quick message to her with the one hand, then put it back. It had read 'Like this.'. --- Rachel listened with fascination. It wasn’t the things he told. They were astonishing. But more amazing was that Nick had witnessed all of this. It was the first time she actually realised how old he was. “You really saw the world go by, didn’t you?” she asked with a smile. Then suddenly her phone vibrated. She jumped and let it fall. “What was that?” she asked before she knelt down to pick up the phone again. Was it a malfunction? Had she broken it? --- Emphasis on saw. There was a certain periphery to it all being a vampire. Yes, you operated within it, changed along with it - him more than most, it seemed - but vampires had had their own agenda over the years. Their own ideals, their own plans. And those were very separate. They had to be when you treated humanity as a food source. There had to be that disconnect. But by and large, Cutler liked what humanity came up with. There was a plethora of complete rubbish, of course, some of which still managed to be entertaining. But some of it was genuinely good. He would have missed that, knowing what other vampires were like. But fulfilling what he'd felt was his purpose was more important. Or had been. Now here he was considering coming in from the outside. It was terrifying, in a way. Even as a human he hadn't always felt connected. Although he was more plugged in as a vampire in some ways. But that was thanks to the technology. The meaningfu, well, that was standing right next to him. "A lifetime of it," he affirmed. "Remind me to show you the moon landing on youtube." And youtube. He laughed a little as Rachel jumped and dropped the phone. "I sent you a message," he explained as she picked it back up. Cutler pointed her back to the messages and showed her how to view what he'd sent. He also pulled his phone back out and held it next to hers, showing her the panel from the sender's point of view. "You can turn the vibrate off if you like though," he said with a grin. "But this way we can keep in contact if I disappear for a bit." Which he would no doubt do. He already felt regret, fear and a little bit of panic creeping in. But if they could keep it back on the topic of phones and technology and not on his impending transformation, he'd be okay for the moment. --- The moon landing? Had he really used those two words? Moon and landing? As in someone had landed on the moon? Could you fly a plane up there? Rachel pushed the thought away as something more pressing came up. “What do you mean with ‘if you disappear’? Why would you disappear?” Fear gripped her voice. He had made clear that he might not want to see her again. But why would he try to keep contact then? No, it had to be something else. --- He hadn't intended to make her panic. "Not literally," he said. "If I literally disappear, these probably won't help. Though I wouldn't put it past this place to make some of us invisible or kidnap us on top of already kidnapping us. Thomas did worse, but I'm not convinced this place is really that much nicer." This wasn't exactly easy, after all. "I just meant if I spent some time away.. it's not really easy to wrap your head around all of this," he gestured around them. Plus she had a reasonable technology gap too. "I don't.." he sighed. "I know it's not easy to find yourself as something else and somewhere else. And while I think you'd be better off relying on someone else, I understand the need for familiarity." Basically, while he knew he'd need to get away from this, he also didn't want to abandon her completely. Because he knew how much that sucked as well. Christ, this was a mess. --- Nick’s answer left more questions than it answered. Thomas? Who was he? And why did Nick compare a person to a place? Still, Rachel nodded slowly. It hurt to know that he still did not rule out the possibility of them not being together. Of them being nothing more than simple acquaintances. She wasn’t sure if she could do ‘only friends’. It would always hurt. “Why do you think it could make us invisible?” She blinked up at him. As long as he was here, she would try to make the best of it and maybe the questions would make him stay for a little longer. --- Right. Given the circumstances she probably hadn't had any of this explained to her. "This will probably sound insane, but, hopefully given everything else, it won't be too much to believe. Weird things just happen here. Half the time they seem to involve Mitchell. He attacked that big tower when we first arrived here and his moods controlled the weather for a while. Then he swapped bodies with his look-alike and exploded. People turned up in each other's dreams. I was magically tethered to Mitchell for the longest week of my life. Then there was Halloween, followed by blood rain. And a game of Jumanji people should have been smart enough not to play. I think that's about it," he offered her a wry smile. It certainly sounded like he was a madman. "Thomas is the name I gave to a train some of us were trapped on before finding ourselves here. It travelled through time and space and also enjoyed toying with us. It killed me properly for a week, temporary swapped my vampirism for lycanthropy and erased my memory," he said with a frown. He didn't say to what point it erased his memory. "But worse than all of that," he said in attempt to lighten things, "it made everyone sing at random." --- That was an army of information which raised another army of questions. "How can those things happen?" she asked. Being a ghost was one thing. It was understandable. In a weird and complicated way. The soul needed to go somewhere, didn't it? But being in another person's body? It seemed too impossible. "Is there any reason why it keeps happening to Mitchell?" What she actually wanted to know was if Nick was in danger. If it happened to the other man because he was a vampire, Nick might be prone to go through these weird things as well. Hearing that he had been dead for over a week did not help her feelings either. --- "That's the million dollar question," Cutler frowned. "No-one knows how or why these things happen. The tower seems to have something to do with it, but again - how or why?" he shrugged. "There are people here who can do magic - proper magic - from worlds where plenty of people can, so I imagine it's possible here." Magic was the best explanation they had, really. As for why it kept harassing Mitchell (whatever it was) Cutler gave another little shrug. "I guess he singled himself out the first time. Attacking the tower with a crowbar wasn't really the smartest move." --- "So I shouldn't attack the tower, got it," she said with a smile and a soft voice. Still, magic was a big one. Magic was the stuff of children’s books. It just didn't belong anywhere. "Is there anything else I shouldn't do? Any rules I need to know?" She was still lost. What should she do with all the time she had now? She was dead and now she needed to get a life. Ironic, wasn't it? --- Cutler nodded. "It's the first rule of the island," he said with a grin. His expression shifted to a more thoughtful one at her question though. "I can't really think of any that you wouldn't just.. follow already. Alive, dead, undead, it's live and let live for the most part." Or don't kill one another. "There's not really anywhere to warn you against going, I guess, but it's generally suggested people stay in at night, or at least away from the forest and the jungle... There are some supernatural hunters here. Even with the whole live and let live deal, you might want to be wary of them. But, really, they shouldn't cause trouble. You’re not likely to." --- Supernatural hunters. It was still hard for Rachel to picture herself in that category. Supernatural. No. But dead. A ghost. The last few days had proven that she was not a normal human being anymore. Still, the step to unnormal, to supernatural seemed too big. "Is there even something that can kill me?" Could someone be deader than dead? Why wasn't there a book about this? --- "They seem to think so, I'm not so sure." How could you kill a ghost? Force their door to appear? That wasn't really killing them anyway, was it? Just allowing them to pass on. "Maybe they can where they're from. There are different kinds of ghosts, werewolves and vampires here, among other things." It really was a lot to take in. He'd been lucky, at least, that he'd been properly exposed to those three before turning up on Thomas. At least it was some knowledge of the kinds of things that could exist. --- Rachel nodded. Her mind started to blur with all the new information. It was so much. She listened but she had stopped understanding. "Then I will try to stand away from them," she said and suddenly, she didn't know what to say anymore. There was so much she didn't know about this island. So much she didn't understand but every question she asked led to more questions. She just wanted a bit of peace. She was calm and utterly terrified. Death wasn't something she needed to fear anymore but suddenly life had become so much more challenging. The future - something she had always looked forward to - was something she dreaded now. She wasn't sure if she wanted to know more about this island. --- He watched her as she spoke and he watched her as she fell silent. "I know it's a lot to take in," he said softly. "And you've had more to than most. But you do get used to it. It's.. not so bad," he admitted. As mad as it sounded. You did get used to it. And the fact that everyone was in the same situation, forced to just get on with it and survive as best they could, it made it easier somehow. --- Rachel chuckled softly. "How can you say that? It seems like a living nightmare. I'm dead, Nick. Where are all our dreams?" she looked up at him, tears glistening in her eyes. 'Not so bad' sounded like a mockery. --- He'd hated Thomas at first. Still did, really. But there was a slight fondness there. Or at least there was one for the people here that had experienced it along with him. Here was not all that different though. It had been cruel in its own ways. Including now. But it somehow wasn't all bad. He didn't know how to explain why to her though. Cutler wasn't entirely sure himself. "I know. They died with us." And his new dreams had died with Thomas, and his hopes of returning with Neverland. Now he didn't really have any. Cutler looked out at the waves. He was sick of making her cry and he wasn't sure what to say now himself. Or what to do. He hated feeling so torn. --- "But I don't want to let go of them," Rachel said. They had been everything to her, they had been the reason for so many things. How could she just except that her whole life was gone? She just wanted them to come true. For Nick and her to be happy. Their life did not need to be perfect, just a good and simple life. A house, kids, some money. "Are you happy, Nick?" she asked after a short pause. Then she looked up at him. --- Cutler let out a light laugh. No, he didn't suppose she did. He hadn't wanted to just give up that life all those years ago. "You have to," he said a little sadly. "There's no going back." Quite literally here. It wasn't like Thomas in that respect. As to her question, it wasn't an easy one to answer. He'd been happy to see his plans finally start to come together back home. He hadn't been happy about being taken away from those and Thomas hadn't been easy. He'd spent most of his time on there desperate for blood in between the different tortures, really. Things had been better here in terms of blood supply and the things that happened were sometimes a little easier to deal with. Maybe that was simply because they had space? But happy wasn’t the word for it, and he'd been anything but the past few days. "Not really," he said in the end. --- Not really. No, it didn't seem like a place where you could be happy. Suddenly, Rachel reached for his hand, entwining her fingers with his. She needed the closeness, the comfort that his skin provided. It wasn't right for her to force it upon him but she couldn't help it. "I know that we can't. I just... I don't know what to hope for anymore or what to look forward to." She rested her head on his shoulder as she watched the water and hoped that he wouldn't push her away. --- The touch caused him to look down at his hand. Her fingers locked between his. "You have to try living day to day," his gaze returned to her face. "It's too much otherwise." Especially for a ghost or a vampire, where this could well be eternity. He didn't push her away, but he didn't feel good about it either. Not because he had a problem with the closeness so much, but because it made him feel guilty. There was one thing he'd been wanting to clear up though, even if she had forgiven him for it already. "I didn't know it was your blood." --- "I know, Nick," Rachel whispered. She wasn't sure whether he had told her but she had assumed it was the case. He wouldn't have drunk it otherwise. She just couldn't picture that. "You wouldn't have done anything to hurt me." Rachel shook her head softly and looked at him with a fondness in her eyes that could only be established by years of love and appreciation. --- Cutler let out something that wasn't quite a laugh. He was fairly certain he'd said and done quite a bit to hurt her since she'd arrived. But then, no, he wouldn't have. He really needed to stop taking himself back to that though. It made him want to run as much as anything else. The look was lost on him as he tried to disentangle his hand from hers. --- Rachel almost jerked her hand away, realising that what she'd been doing might be too much them for Nick. She clasped her hands in front of her mouth. "Oh, I'm sorry, Nick. You - need - time." She wanted to sound casual but she couldn't. Of course, she was hurt and it showed in her voice. She should stop taking him for granted. Nick wasn't hers anymore. --- He almost jumped at her reaction and he could tell that he'd upset her. "No. Well, yes. I know you died, which is infinitely worse," he said quickly. "But that destroyed me." Her being here didn't change that or fix that, it just made everything that happened after that that much worse. There were tears in his eyes now and he took a wobbly step back. "I'm sorry." --- "Don't be," Rachel said softly. She could see the hurt. She could hear it. It was hard for the both of them. It was such a mess. "When I got here, I thought I had lost you. That you needed to go on living without me. All the pain you had to face. I would have given everything for you so that you wouldn't have to go through it. But I guess, you did. I can't imagine how hard it must have been for you." And suddenly, she understood Nick's change a little bit better and she hated Hal a little bit more. He had taken everything away from her and destroyed Nick, manipulated him and forced him to be what he wanted him to be. --- He tried to wipe the tears from his eyes as she spoke, but it seemed they didn't want to be stopped. So he tried to open his mouth to speak instead, but there weren't really words. He hated crying, but he couldn't hold this back. This was years, months, days. The more he tried to stop it, the more he shook, until eventually he just sunk down into the sand and stopped fighting it. All of it. He'd always known on some level. Hal had broken him and put him back the way he'd wanted him. And Nick had let him. And then he'd had left, not died, left and he'd missed him. Still missed him. And now he was broken again. He couldn't go back, not after the things he'd done, had planned to do. He just couldn't. --- Rachel had never been good at watching Nick cry. She guessed no one was good at that. How could you not feel for someone in pain? She sat down next to him. Silent and calm as a grave and pulled him towards her, wrapping her arms around his shoulders and body to provide a comforting blanket. You didn't need to say anything when actions spoke so much louder. "He doesn't control you anymore. You don't have to be the man, he wanted you to be," she whispered soothingly. --- After the sobs had slowed and stopped and the tears had dried up, he remained still and quiet for a little while in her arms. Her words had filtered in but it took him awhile to respond to them. He sat up, no doubt looking more of a mess than she thought she had when he'd arrived here, let out a slightly shaky sigh and tried speaking. He wound up clearing his throat lightly. "I don't know how I can be anyone else," he said. Not that his experiences here or on the train hadn't changed him. He wouldn't be at this point right now if they hadn't. He wasn't that man and yet he'd succeeded pretty well at being in denial about it, but now here they were. It wasn't so much denial now as it was really not knowing how. "Not with everything that happened, everything I've done." All the justifications he'd made. He could forget the finer details with blood if he wanted, but he couldn't forget. How did you move on from that? --- Rachel gently stroked his cheeks before she answered. Her husband had done horrible things. It was still hard to believe and even harder to realise. She wasn't sure what it really, really meant. It hadn't made click yet and she was afraid of what would happen when it finally did. "Then you can try to make up for it," she whispered. Her voice sparkled with firmness. She couldn't let him suffer but neither could she let him get away. Nick - the man she had married - wouldn't have wanted to end like this. He would try to be good. She was sure of it. --- And how did he do that? How could you make up for that? He essentially nodded though. What else could he do? She probably didn't want to hear it, but if there was any doubt in him, or her, it might help to erase it. "Hal changed," he said. He remained quiet for a little while, letting that hang. "I hated him for it." On the train. And perhaps he still did now. How could he live with himself? But that was something he would like to know right now. He'd never asked. Not that he'd been in the frame of mind to. --- Hal changed. Two words that seemed impossible. Hal was a monster. How could he change? The doubt and disbelief flickered on her face. Was Nick the same? Before she could go down that line of thought, she pushed it away. She knew it was naive and stupid but she had to. She needed to do this. For her and for the man she loved. "If he can do it, so can you." The hate and loathing was more audible than she would have wished for. --- It did seem impossible. But her words were what he needed to hear, no matter what was behind them. And really, he had changed over the months. Especially here. He just needed to know that it was possible for him to accept that rather than deny it, and maybe continue to. Not that turning a corner here meant that it would suddenly be all sunshine and roses for him. Or for her. There was a long way to go yet and no doubt there would be doubt, not to mention the something else he was trying not to think about. And he still might need time away from this. But it had to be the only path forward, the only way he could stop that conflict that had been mounting inside of him, short of going the opposite way and getting himself killed, of course. Which hadn't seemed like such a bad idea a couple of weeks ago. Or a couple of days ago. But he'd already taken the first step away from that now. He sat up properly now and spoke in a steadier tone. "Rachel," he took her hand this time. "Don't be offended if I do still need some time - and space - to process this." She probably did as well. It was a lot. Too much. "But, obviously I never forgot you. What happened to you. To us." He couldn't tell her just how turned around that had all become for him though, but even in all its fucked up glory, it had been part of it. And really, this was just an awkward way of saying that he'd never really moved on. --- When Nick said her name, the shadow of a smile returned onto her face. His tone suggested that it was the prelude to a speech she didn't want to hear. Nonetheless, it was good to hear her name from his lips. Time, yes, that was something they both needed and it was something they both had. And then came the words that conjured the first real smile. Even if she knew that Nick still cared (his body language had been deafening), it felt again good to hear it. "Yes. Yes, of course. Whenever you are ready." Not if... she was selfish enough to not grant them an if. "You know where to find me..." Her eyes glanced shortly at the ocean. She would stay here. Maybe eventually she would have enough of this place and leave. But for now it was the ideal place to think and it wasn't like she needed sleep or food anymore. --- He nodded. They'd been through this earlier, but given the circumstances, he wanted to be sure that she didn't think that need had changed. Embarrassment aside, though, he was glad she'd been there. Cutler let go of her hand, but didn't leave just yet. Instead he just shifted around on the sand so that he had a good view of the ocean. He sat with his knees up, his arms resting on those and his chin resting on his arms. He had no idea what happened now. Or even exactly what had happened here. That in itself was going to take some time to process. But he did feel a little less at war with himself right now. Although that feeling might be being replaced by a pervasive nervousness. And possibly some fear. He sighed, but he stayed. Sitting and staring beat out moving for the time being. --- For a moment, Rachel wanted to rest her head on Nick's shoulder again. But she stopped herself, not knowing how he might take it. She opened her mouth but didn't know what to say. An 'I love you' rested on the tip of her tongue but she was afraid that it would scare him away. Right now, it was even scary to her. So silence it was. |