threecenturyman (threecenturyman) wrote in spinningcompass, @ 2013-12-11 23:11:00 |
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Steve couldn't sleep. He never really had slept all that much. Especially since waking up after being frozen for 70 years. That, however, was a life time ago. Taking a walk was usually a good way to clear his head and allow him to get at least a little bit of sleep. He started at Stark Tower and just picked a direction, not really caring where he went. Before he realized it, he was at the beach. He took his shoes off and walked out onto the sand, going as close to the water's edge as he could. He just watched the waves lap at the sand as he walked. The ocean reminded him of Micha and that got him thinking about what a good friend she'd been over the years. Especially the time she'd helped him the most. 2085 The funeral was a month ago and Steve hadn’t been seen. He’d been holed up in the cottage. Yes, he was eating but just barely. Just enough to get by. He only ever got out of bed to go to the bathroom or to fix himself something to eat. Most of the days he would spend curled up with her pillow, swearing that he could still smell her. He knew the scent had to have worn off by then, but he didn’t care. His mind told him she was still there and that’s what mattered. He hadn’t shaved at all the entire time since the funeral and only showered when he started to get really rank, which had been that morning. He hadn’t even bothered to eat yet, just got up, took a shower, then got straight back into bed. After a month Micha decided that enough was enough. Peggy had become one with the Force and Steve was allowed to grieve, but it was becoming unhealthy and worrying his remaining family. If something wasn’t done they’d find out if a supersoldier could die from a broken heart. She remembered his shattered expression at the funeral and was reminded once again of the Jedi Code’s forbidding of attachment. Perhaps they were right, but she’d never found anyone where the attachment had been strong enough to form a permanent bond like Steve had with Peggy. Of course, she still looked the same age she did the day the Spire changed her, so she supposed there was still time. Micha wasn’t going to hold her breath though. Putting the thoughts out of her mind the Jedi turned mermaid knocked firmly on the door to his bedroom. “Steve, it’s Micha.” She called. “Won’t you come out old friend? The children are worried about you.” Children who looked decades older than either of them, with the exception of the younger version of Steve. “Steve’s not here right now.” He sighed, closing his eyes. He knew that it would start happening eventually, he just hoped that they’d give him a little bit longer. Peggy was the love of his life. She was the one. He wasn’t going to come back from that any time soon. “Steve. I can’t imagine how hard this last month has been for you, but you need to come out. You have so much left to live for.” There were all his children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. Not to mention his friends. “No one’s saying you aren’t allowed to grieve, but it’s time to come out.” Steve sighed and dragged himself out of bed. He walked over and opened the door, looking at her. His eyes were red and puffy from the amount of time he’d spent crying and he hadn’t even bothered to trim the beard that had grown. His hair was clean, and damp, but messy from laying in bed. In short, he looked horrible. “It still hurts, Micha. I don’t want to go out there, yet. I don’t want to face anybody. The….sympathy. I can’t take it.” “You can do it Steve.” Micha encouraged him. “Do you think they don’t miss her as well? She was there all their lives and now she’s gone.” He looked better than she feared, honestly. “Peggy may be one with the Force now, but that doesn’t mean we aren’t allowed to mourn her passing from this life. They just want to share the burden with you.” “And what do you do when looking at your own daughter makes your heart ache because she looks so much like her mother?” He cleared his throat, trying to keep from crying again. “And it doesn’t help that they’re aging. That I’m going to outlive them as well.” He ran his fingers through his hair, which had gotten longer. “How do I face that?” “You make the most of the time you have with them.” Micha responded simply. “Master Yoda was over five hundred years old when I was his padawan. I asked him once if it was hard living among humans since our lifespans were so much shorter than his. He responded that the future was never certain and it was better to concentrate on the present, I think that might be good advice for the two of us.” She reached out and gathered him into an embrace, though he was a good bit larger than herself. “Yes your children are growing older and one day they too will be one with the Force. Would you rather look back with regret and wishing you’d done more while they still walked this island, or content with the knowledge that you were part of their lives up until the very end?” Steve tensed slightly when she hugged him, at first, but then he practically melted into it. He hadn’t had any kind of contact with anyone since the funeral and in that moment, he realized how much he needed it. He closed his eyes and took a shaky breath. “I don’t want to regret anything.” He sniffled. “But….how do I get past the hurt? How long before I can function without an ache in my chest?” He cleared his throat. “I don’t know the answer to that Steve, but I suspect it’s ‘you don’t’ and that only time will help the hurt subside. Your family wants to help you as best they can, and if you need a friend you need only call.” Steve nodded. “Thank you, Micha.” He stepped back a little, scratching at his chin. “I can’t promise I’ll leave the house today but….definitely soon.” He nodded again. “That’s a start.” Micha encouraged. “Why not let the children come in and help out a little bit? It’ll make them feel like they’re contributing and it would do you good to talk to people.” “First thing Sarah will do is insist I shave.” He smirked. “She’s always disliked the beard.” He shook his head and sighed. “Maybe just….one at a time for right now. I don’t know if I could handle more than that.” He scratched the back of his neck. “It’s your house.” Micha replied simply, a small smile on her face at the victory. “And the beard could use a trim, but I think the look suits you. You must do what you think is right, of course, but I’ll let them know that you’d welcome a little company.” “Just...a little company.” He nodded. “And...thank you.” He sighed. “The place is probably a mess. I could definitely use some help with that.” He looked around his room. There were a couple of pieces of clothing on the floor but otherwise it was neat enough. Micha raised an eyebrow. “If this is a mess then you must have been quite easy to clean up after. Have you been cleaning your dishes when you ate?” She peered at him. “You have been eating, haven’t you?” “I have technically been sort of eating, yeah.” He made a face, looking down. It had mostly been tea and whatever shortbread they had left. “Mugs are pretty easy to clean up so…” He shrugged. Micha shook her head. “Do you think Peggy would want you wasting away in grief? I don’t know if you can die, but it won’t do anyone any good going to skin and bones.” He stood back and held his arms apart. “Do I really look like I’m going to skin and bones?” He shook his head. “I haven’t been hungry. I’ve been forcing myself to eat what I have. And that’s only because I can actually feel Peggy glaring at me for not eating.” He sighed. “You’ve gotten me to agree to seeing people. One step at a time, okay? I’m sure I’ll get my appetite back eventually.” “All right.” Micha relented. “For now anyway. Is there anything else you want me to tell them before I go?” Steve rubbed the back of his neck as he thought about it for a moment. “Just….that I need time to deal with this my own way. And not to push too hard. It’s going to take time to deal with this. Not everybody who loses a spouse to old age has to deal with outliving them by decades.” He bit his lip. “As long as you don’t keep pushing everyone away. I’ll make certain they understand.” Micha agreed. She put a hand on his shoulder. “You aren’t alone, Steve. Don’t forget that.” “Thanks.” Steve patted the hand on his shoulder. “And thank you for checking up on me. I do appreciate it, even if I haven’t shown it properly.” “What are friends for?” Micha smiled and stepped back, preparing to leave. “May the Force be with you, Steve. I’ll see you again soon.” Steve nodded, smiling. “See you later.” He ran his fingers through his hair. “Have a good day.” 2013 Steve sighed and scratched the back of his neck, keeping his eyes down. A single tear ran down his cheek, the pain almost as fresh as the day it had happened. |