Anthony Edward Barton-Stark (aedwardstark) wrote in spinningcompass, @ 2013-08-22 18:30:00 |
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Entry tags: | !closed, steve rogers, ~tony stark |
Who: Steve and Tony
Where: Meduseld
What: Tony going to get Steve
When: backdated to after this
Rating: High for talk of PTSD and war
Open: No
Status: partially gdoced
It didn’t take long for Tony to suit up and take off, after leaving a note for AJ and Richie of course. He had a feeling that he could help Steve a little bit better than some of the others. While it was true that he didn’t have WWII PTSD, he did have a form of it from what happened in New York so he could understand a little better what the other man was going through. “I’m picking up his signal now, sir.” JARVIS announced as they took off from the top of the tower. Tony flew low, making sure to stay below the top of the spire. The last thing he needed was for the suit to power off while he was going to help his friend. “Got it, thanks J.” Tony commented, picking up speed a little bit. There were advantages to the technology he had. It took him about five minutes to get to the castle where Steve was currently hiding. Meduseld. He’d never actually been there but he’d had JARVIS scan the building on more than one occasion. Tony landed with a thud on the roof and the armor opened up. He stepped out, looking around for a second. “Alright, J, stay here. I’ll call you if I need you.” He pulled his phone out of his pocket and started to track Steve with that. “Yes, sir.” JARVIS said, and the armor closed up again, staying put where it landed. Tony headed down through the castle, following the little blip on the screen of his phone. “Rogers? You in here?” He knew the answer to that but he was trying to give the man a chance to show himself rather than having to hunt him down. Steve hadn’t intended to end up at the castle, he’d just been running and came across it. He wasn’t tired, not physically, but he just...needed to stop. His mind was overloaded and his chest was tight. He’d hurt someone else. Broken a man’s nose for no reason and everyone would know soon enough. Know that he wasn’t as good as everyone thought he was, that he was going crazy. So when he got to the castle he found a small corner of the ground floor, it was dark and full of cobwebs but it was isolated and small and it reminded him of hiding under the sink when he played hide and seek with his mom as a kid. Pulling his phone out when he found the little hiding spot hadn’t helped though and he had to fight hard not to have another panic attack. Maybe he could just stay out here on his own. He couldn’t hurt anyone then. But he knew it wouldn’t work, knew they’d come looking for him even if it’d just end up badly for everyone. So when Tony wormed the answer out of him he knew it wouldn’t be long. He heard the thud on the roof first so wormed himself out of the little alcove and started moving toward a more central area. He got there a few moments after Tony called out to him and just gave an awkward little wave. “Yeah.” Tony put his phone away and smiled a little, but the smile didn’t quite reach his eyes. He was worried about his friend and it showed on his face. “You wanna talk about what happened?” He had a pretty good idea what it was about, but he thought maybe getting Steve to talk about it would help. The one thing that Tony knew for sure at that point was that he wasn’t afraid of Steve. He wasn’t afraid of getting hurt. He just wanted to help. “Not particularly.” he sighed, pushing his hair out of his face. It was longer than usual and a mess but he wasn’t bothered to care at the moment. “What are they planning? We don’t really...have a jail or anything.” he shrugged, expecting the worst to come of this. Tony sighed and scratched at his chin. “A couple of them are planning a lynching, from what I can gather. Those closest to Maryanne. But we’re trying to get them calmed down.” He looked down before looking back at Steve. “I know you said it wasn’t an accident, but it wasn’t on purpose either, Steve. You’re just….not yourself right now. That’s all. This shit happens.” He cleared his throat. “Flashbacks happen. I haven’t experienced them first hand, but I have been witness to them on more than one occasion.” Steve let out a soft, wry laugh that had had no real humor behind it. “I don’t even know if a lynching could kill me.” he mumbled, knowing that the limits of his capabilities were largely untested. He’d always ended up straight in a fight before anyone had time to worry about testing what his capabilities really were. “But none of that means it won’t happen again. And if I don’t pull the punch next time I could…” he trailed off, looking through Tony to the wall behind him, though his eyes seemed far more distant than that. Tony sighed again. “Then we talk about it.” He nodded. “Because just sitting back and wallowing isn’t doing any good. Maybe talking about what’s been going on could actually help. And if talking to me doesn’t help, you could maybe talk to Dr. Shearing. She’s been working with Bond. Don’t know if it’s doing any good, but she’s been talking to him and trying to help as much as she can.” He shook his head. “We really need a shrink on this island. And coming from me, that’s really saying something.” He scratched at his chin again before looking around the castle. “Hiding out here isn’t going to do anything but piss Peggy off and I am not going to be the recipient of that anger.” He decided not to mention that Peggy had been hurt. At least not yet. “How is this just okay with so many of you!” he sighed, exasperated. “I hit him...her. In cold blood. Broke her nose. And everyone keeps telling me it’s okay. It’s not!” He knew he was avoiding what Tony was actually trying to say, but really, it was all a part of it. He’d hurt Maryanne and hurt Peggy before and nothing ever happened. It wasn’t supposed to work like that, things like that weren’t okay. “I’m not safe.” “There’s a lovely prison in the mountains. Goes by the name of Alcatraz. I could take you and lock you up there if you want.” He nodded. “Actually, that sounds like a great idea.” He walked over and took Steve’s hand, starting to head toward the roof. “Come on, let’s go. I get the armor on, fly you out there. I’m sure I can find somebody to bring you food.” He wasn’t being serious. He was trying to show Steve that it really was okay. “If that’s what you really want, of course.” “Someone would help Peggy right?” he asked softly, his hand a little weak in Tony’s, not holding the power and strength he usually did. Tony stopped and sighed heavily, turning to look at the man. He hadn’t been serious at all. “You know what? You need to snap the fuck out of it. I’m not going to lock you away. You need help, yes. Things could get dangerous, yes. But that’s what your friends are for, Steve. To help you get through this.” Tony hoped that actually using his name would help the message get across since Tony only ever did that when he was being very serious. Steve sighed and ran his hand through his hair again, he didn’t know how to handle all of this, he didn’t know what the others wanted to do to him, how he would face anyone again. “How in hell do I just snap out of it. I’ve been trying to do that for 8 months and it’s not working.” he told the other man, his voice stressed and tired and just fed up. “That’s not what I’m talking about, Steve.” Tony sighed. “I’m talking about snap out of this. Whatever it is that you’re doing right now. All of the blame and self hatred and all of that. Maryanne isn’t mad at you. I’m not mad at you. People who love you want to help you. So let us. Snap out of this “I’m a hopeless cause” bullshit and let us help you. That’s what I mean. PTSD isn’t something you can just snap out of. I’m not that stupid.” He shook his head again. “You should be mad at me.” Steve mumbled, one of his arms around his middle, blood dried on it now. “But I don’t want to be some mental patient.” he admit, his face going hard to try and hide how much the thought scared him. “I’ve had enough time locked up in my own head.” “There’s a difference between being a mental patient and getting help that you need.” Tony bit his lip as he thought exactly how to phrase it. “Being a mental patient means being locked away. Stuck in a rubber room in a jacket that lets you hug yourself with really nice drugs to make the happy times come and stay. That is not what we’re going for here at all.” He shook his head. “What you need is someone to talk to. That will listen to your problems and not judge you. But also, someone that won’t coddle you. Won’t hug you and tell you everything will be okay. Because when it comes down to it, this is shit. Everything that you’re dealing with is complete shit and it’s not going to be okay. You have a lot to work through before you can even consider being in the same sport as okay, let alone the same ballpark. You need someone that will tell you that it’s not going to be okay, but in a way that doesn’t make you feel like an asshole. Does that make sense?” “Someone who sees things that aren’t there and hurt people because of it are mental patients. That’s what the asylums are there for.” Steve interrupted briefly, his voice going a little panicky again. He didn’t remember much from the ice but he had nightmares about it, being trapped, cold and alone and unable to move, nothing but his memories there to torture him and he never knew if they were real memories or something supplied by his mind and imagination but they scared him either way. In some ways those were the ones he dread most, his head wasn’t a fun place to be stuck most of the time. “Not...really.” he answered honestly. He had no clue how just talking could make him better. “I don’t know how to do this.” “That’s why you find someone that does.” Tony nodded. “Dr. Shearing seems to be really good at that kind of thing and if you don’t want to talk to her then find someone you can talk to. To get the demons out. Because holding it all inside is part of the problem. You’re not facing it. You’re just letting it simmer and stew and eventually it’s going to boil over, like it did tonight. You need to find a way to take it off the heat.” Tony made a face. “And I really need to stop with that metaphor right now.” He shook his head. “The point is, Steve, that talking about it can help. You’d be amazed how much it can help. Getting it out there and facing your fears and dealing with all of the bullshit that’s going on in your head is a lot better than waiting for the day when you snap and end up killing someone. Because if you don’t handle this now, that could happen. And I know that you would never forgive yourself if it did, even as an accident.” “Bucky always worried I wouldn’t be able to handle war. Maybe he was right.” Steve sighed, more to himself than anything, thinking about Bucky really not making him feel any better; he still missed the other man every day. He sighed and stuck his hands in the pockets of his sweats and just started walking slowly toward the door of the castle opposite the one he came in, knowing it would be facing the city. “I’ll...try.” he told Tony, still half expecting someone to try and come after him with a bat again as soon as he got out of the woods but at the same time knowing he wouldn’t try and stop them if they did. “That’s all I’m asking, Steve. Just try.” He followed Steve, sighing a little himself. He adjusted the earpiece he had in. “J, take it home, I’m walking from here.” Though there was no reply that Steve would be able to hear, there was the sound of the armor taking off from the roof. Tony looked at Steve. “Let’s get you home before people really start to worry, okay?” He smiled and clapped Steve on the shoulder. “Why are they worried about me?” He asked, walking next to the other man, keeping his hands in his pockets and his shoulders hunched, making himself as small as he could without realizing it. “Because those of us that care about you know that this isn’t you. That you’re having some issues that need to be worked out.” He nodded. “And we know that you beat yourself up about stuff like this. Whenever anybody gets hurt, even if you had nothing to do with it, you feel bad about it. It’s like you think you’re responsible for every bad thing that happens, which you’re not.” He sighed and scratched the back of his neck. “You’re a good guy, Steve. Deep down inside. It’s why Erskine picked you. Because he knew the serum would only amplify the goodness into greatness. But there are times when I just want to slap you and tell you to stop being an idiot.” He shook his head. “It wasn’t just good. It...amplified everything. Absolutely everything.” Steve sighed, never really having talked about this side of things before. “It’s why I get like that. I can’t help it. I know it’s not my fault but it feels like it is. Like I should have done something or made it better.” he told the older man, anxiety slowly creeping back into his voice. He wrapped his arms around his middle making his way through the woods slowly, only now realizing his feet were still bare. “It pushed up all my flaws too.” “That….really sucks.” Tony made a face. He couldn’t imagine his flaws being amplified. “But that’s also going to be helped, if you’ll let us help you.” He looked at Steve as he walked. “Just talk to somebody, okay? Anybody, doesn’t matter who. Doesn’t have to be a doctor. But I don’t think talking to Peggy is going to help. She loves you and that….can be a problem when it comes to really trying to work through shit like that.” He sighed. As much as his talk with AJ had helped, he needed a more objective look on things and he knew it. “I...don’t know that many people here.” Steve admit softly. And in a way it was true. He’d had conversations with most but they usually didn’t last and were hardly ever personal. And other than Peggy, Mac and AJ and sometimes Clint or Tony or Bruce...he wasn’t actually all that close to anyone. “I never really learned how to...make friends I guess. Bucky was always there for that part.” The second half of his words got soft, sadder, though he tried not to let it. “Well, Rogers. You’ve got me if nobody else will listen. I know I haven’t been the best of friends, but I’m not an asshole either so that’s something, right? Or you could talk to Barton. Even though he’s kind of holed himself up with that girl from his past and the baby that randomly showed up the other day.” He shrugged. “He’ll listen, though. I know that much.” |