Grey (greywhite) wrote in spinningcompass, @ 2013-04-20 15:23:00 |
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Grey was reeling from the knowledge that Lex was suddenly on the island after so long. Perhaps she should’ve expected it - the island seemed to get its kicks from causing emotional trauma after all and with Lex it got three for one. Truth was though she really hadn’t, not after so long. She’d thought about it at the beginning, when Malcolm had shown up and she’d been just as attracted to him as she had on the train. And she had felt bad, because she knew it meant possibly hurting Lex in the future, but that worry had faded in the face of Malcolm and the way she felt about him. Just about all thoughts of Lex had faded actually and she hadn’t even felt guilty until now. Now she felt sick to her stomach. What the fuck was she supposed to do? She didn’t want to hurt him, she’d loved him completely for ten bloody years. She’d been happy with him and he with her, but it just wasn’t the same as it was with Malcolm. Fuck! She’d suggested they meet in the club because it was the most private place she could think of that wasn’t the cottage and she wasn’t about to put Malcolm in that position. She the club it was - it was already tainted with horrible memories, what did one more matter? She probably should’ve thought up some kind of plan before she’d suggested this, she thought as she unlocked the club and headed straight for the bar to grab a bottle of vodka, only remembering half way to a table that glasses would probably be an idea since they really weren’t in a situation to be sharing bottles. Just tell me straight. She shook her head and poured an especially large glass, draining it a quarter of the way down in the hope it might help. Telling him straight wouldn’t work. He needed gentle, she really needed to remember that. He wasn’t Malcolm, he was Lex, dear sweet, lovely, beautiful Lex. Oh god what if he cried!? Perhaps she should’ve just sent Malcolm to deal with this. But no that wasn’t fair, none of this was fair but Lex deserved this, didn’t he? Her being honest with him? Her heart stopped for a second as she heard the door open again, looking across in its direction and taking another drink as he entered. It had been such a long time she’d almost forgotten what he looked like, but it didn’t matter. She wasn’t that shallow, and he wasn’t that beautiful. Lex's mind was all over the place. He didn't understand what was going on. He'd never been the kind of guy who needed to know the 'whys' of life - he had always been pretty content to just sail on through, taking each day as it came - but he usually had at least some idea of the situations he found himself in. This, though, was like nothing he'd ever experienced before. Even being infected hadn't been this confusing. At least then he'd had some kind of idea of what was happening to him; he'd seen American Werewolf in London like the rest of the world. After that, the vampires and everything he'd had to become accustomed to had seemed almost like a natural progression. This was not, though. It was very, very not. People didn't just wake up on random islands. Except here, apparently, they did. But that wasn't what was worrying him the most. What was worrying him the most was Grey and her reaction to him showing up. He didn't know what he'd expected - not that he'd expected anything at all, since he'd never really imagined a situation when he'd turn up on a magical island with Grey waiting for him after apparently being separated from him for months and months - but this wasn't it. She seemed... different, distant, and it made him feel anxious and more tense than he already was. If he hadn't known her well enough to sense the distance in her tone, her cordial invitation to meet him at a club was certainly enough to set alarm bells ringing. Where was she? Why wasn't she already on her way to find him, to sweep him off his feet and tell him how hopeless he was, like she always did and always had done? No - this wasn't right at all and he was worried, about the situation, about her and about what it is she wanted to talk to him about. What had happened in the last few months? It had taken Lex a little while to find the club, following Grey's directions, but when he had he'd hovered outside the door for a moment, preparing himself for something that his stomach told him couldn't be good, before pushing the door open and peering inside. The interior was dimly lit and, unlike the clubs in Manchester, didn't smell like piss and disinfectant. That, at least, was good, since his senses were working on overdrive what with all the adrenaline pumping through his body. Bright, dark eyes scanned the large room until they lighted on a familiar figure sitting at a table across the room. Despite all of his anxious tension, Lex couldn't help but give in to a small smile when he saw her and some of his hesitation dissipated on the spot. He let the heavy door to the club swing closed behind him as he made his way inside, heading straight for Grey and the table she was occupying. While he still a few feet away, he noticed the bottle Grey had on the table in front of her. He paused slightly in his step, his gaze flickering from the bottle to her face for a few moments, his smile fading from his lips, leaving just the ghost of it behind. "We're drinking vodka?" he said, not surprised to find that his voice sounded odd and a little distorted from the lack of use. "Wow..." he murmured, finishing crossing the rest of the distance between them until he could sink into the seat opposite her at the table. "It must be bad if we're on the vodka..." The statement was an attempt at a joke, to lighten the heavy oppressiveness of the mood inside the club, but he couldn't help feeling that there was a very real truth in his words. He just wasn't sure if he was ready to face it just yet, though. Hadn't he had enough to deal with that night already? She really should've handled this better from the start. She remember how she'd reacted when he'd shown up on the train. She'd been bloody ecstatic at the prospect of seeing him again, of wrapping her arms him and dragging him into bed. But this time there's only been dread, a sense of impending doom and the knowledge of what she had to do, what she'd have to tell him. Pretending wasn't going to do him any good though, was it? She couldn't give him false hope, and there was Malcolm to think about, she didn't want to put even the smallest amount of doubt in his mind that she might still have romantic feelings for Lex. It felt like time had slowed as she waited, god why hadn't she gone to find him, she should've. The island was no place to be alone, what the fuck was wrong with her that she'd put him through that? It was too late now, wasn't it? And perhaps it would be easier if he saw her as a heartless bitch, perhaps it would be better if he ended up hating her, she'd rather that than having to hurt him now she thought about it, because she really had loved him, so so much. They'd been so happy, even when everything had started to turn to shit it hadn't been that bad because at least they had each other, and Lex had always been such a calming influence on her - the exact opposite of Malcolm in some ways, though he certainly had his moments. She was glad to see him though, somewhere in the midst of all the other emotions she was experiencing, because she'd never had closure. He'd just disappeared and she'd thought she'd never see him again. "Well I am," she said, because she couldn't help herself, it was easier to be a bit difficult that deal with what was actually happening. He knew her too well, that was the problem. He knew what things meant. This was her way of coping- when things were shit she drank, she always had done and she was pretty sure she always would. Reaching for the spare glass she poured him a drink as well and pushed it across the table to him. "I'm sorry," she said, though really she was apologising for a thousand different things so that probably didn't really help. "I should've come and got you," she shook her head and took another long drink. She couldn't do this. She had no fucking idea where to start, though perhaps she wouldn't have to. Perhaps he'd notice the ring on her finger and put two and two together. Yeah put it all on him Christ she was such a fucking coward. "I just...shock, y'know?" An unsettled frown formed on Lex's brow as he half-watched Grey pour a measure of the vodka into a second glass for him, his focus always flickering back to her face after a moment or two as he tried to read her expression. The longer he sat here opposite her, without her throwing her arms around him or trying to tackle him to the ground in a flurry of kisses and groping, the more sure he was that something was terribly wrong. It was unnerving him. His mouth was dry and his body was tense as he perched on the edge of the chair, subconsciously leaning forward towards her, his arms resting on the table-top. "'S'okay," he said with a small shake of his shaggy head, dismissing her apology, his worried dark eyes still fixed on her face as he ignored, for the time being, the glass of vodka she'd poured for him. He had a feeling he'd need to drink later but, right now, he was far more concerned with Grey. "I found it alright, didn't I? No harm done. I'm not completely incompetent, you know." Lex was well aware of how Grey saw him, as someone that needed her in order to function, and it was all true but they'd both had to be strong before and Lex knew he could do it again now. She was here with him. That was what mattered. They'd always said they could do anything if they were together. They'd managed for ten years, after all, hadn't they? They'd coped when he'd been scratched by that werewolf, when he'd turned the following full moon, and every month after that, and when the vampires had made her take responsibility for him. They'd made it through all that because they'd had each other and just the fact that Grey was here and he didn't have to deal with whatever this turned out to be alone was enough for him. They'd work it out, somehow. He attempted the smile again but found that it was harder this time than it had been a minute before and, after a moment, he gave up. "Grey?" he said softly, after watching her take a long drink of the vodka in her glass, a look of concern rising to his features. "There's something wrong..." There was no point pretending differently. He just wanted to know. Once she told him what was bothering her, they'd find a way to sort it out. "What is it?" She shouldn't have answered him. That was where she'd gone wrong. She should've waited until she knew what she was going to do. Should've talked to Malcolm, or Maryanne or anyone rather than just wondering blindly in because now it was too late, now they were both here and she really wasn't sure she could do this, not to him. She wanted to reach out and touch him. Wanted to touch him hand or something, because jesus she'd probably never gone this long in the same room as him without feeling him up and he wasn't stupid. "I don't think you're incompetent," she said quickly. It wasn't like that, it was just that she'd sort of become used to looking after him a bit, and their lives had been so tangled together for so long. Apparently despite outward appearances Grey was actually sort of co-dependent when it came to relationships which only made this whole thing so much worse. "Anyway that's not the point. You don't know anyone and this place is a fucking nightmare. I should've found you." But in that circumstances she couldn't be entirely sure she'd have managed not to fling her arms around him and hold onto him, because he was Lex, because it had been months and maybe she wasn't in love with him anymore, but it wasn't completely about that. "Yeah," she agreed when he spoke. "Yeah." She didn't say anything for a bit too long, she could barely even look at him, he didn't deserve this, he really didn't. Not her Lex. "I haven't see you for months," she said, and not until the words were out did she realise how little time that actually sounded in the grand scheme of things, not to mention just how long ago it had been since she'd started sleeping with Malcolm. "I'm seeing someone," she continued, quietly, as if she didn't want to be saying the words and she definitely didn't want him to be hearing them. And that was saying Malcolm so short. "I'm in love with him," she added, finally looking at him properly. "I'm sorry. I loved you so much and you made me so fucking happy but..." she trailed off, and sniffed. She didn't cry, It wasn't what she did. "I'm sorry." Lex felt as though the bottom had dropped completely out of his stomach. He'd known something was wrong, and part of him had already known what she was going to say, but that didn't ease the blow - not in the slightest. He sat, unable to speak or move or think, the silence between them heavy and oppressive with her last, murmured words hanging there, unseen but painful nonetheless. How could she be in love with someone else? This was Grey! His Grey. It didn't make sense that she had fallen for someone else. Sure their relationship had had ups and downs and Lex knew there had been moments when Grey had wanted to throttle him and vice versa, but they were supposed to be together forever. That wa just the way it was, the way it ha always been since the beginning. They were as good as married, even if Grey always scolded him for saying it out loud. But it was the truth. They'd been together for so long that the thought of being without her was... incomprehensible. So Lex just stared, his dark eyes wide and hurt, as he tried to swallow past the painful lump in his throat. Eventually, Lex found his voice, blinking slightly to clear his eyes of the moisture that was rising to their corners. "So... What are you trying to say?" he asked, ignoring the nausea in his stomach. Was she trying to ask him to forgive her and take her back? Was she trying to end it? Or did she have something else in mind? If she really was in love with this guy, could he really ask her to give him up? He'd always been a complete sucker for Grey when it came to her happiness. As long as she was happy, so was he. But could he really be happy at seeing her with someone else. At that moment, he wasn't so sure. The moment the words were out she regretted it, there had to have been a better way to break it to him, surely? She could see the hurt written all over his face, he'd never been particularly good at hiding his feelings, and even if he had well she knew him completely. She wanted to say something, part of her wanted to take it back and see him smile and deal with it all further down the line. Malcolm would understand, wouldn't he? If they had to be subtle for a while, although admittedly neither of them really did subtle and Lex wasn't stupid, he'd have known instantly there was something going on, he'd small Malcolm on her just before the full moon. The whole situation was impossible and so much worse than she'd imagined. The silence felt like it was slowly killing her, sucking out her very life force as she just sat there, looking back at him. It wasn't supposed to be like this. She'd never even looked at another man, it had always been Lex, ten years and his name tattooed on her wrist - an act more permanent than any ring or marriage license. But then she'd met Malcolm and it had been like the rules had changed - he was the absolutely antithesis of Lex, and yet she'd fallen in love him even while trying really hard not to. It had always been so easy with Lex, though admittedly Grey now realised she didn't like easy very much, which was just as well considering the island She gave him a rather confused look when he asked her what she meant - how much clearer could she possibly be? She'd said she was in love with someone else, what more did he want? "What do you mean what am I trying to say?" she asked. Part of her just wanted to reached across the table and shake and yell at him. "Lex," she sighed, his name feeling slightly odd in her lips. "I'm sorry. I know this is so much to take in, with the fucking island and everything but.." shook her head and took another drink. "I wish I could've waited until you'd settled in a bit better but, well you'd have known something was seriously off the moment I saw you without sticking my tongue down your throat, wouldn't you?" And that was the thing, she'd never have been able to keep it from him, they'd always been far too physical with each other. Lex’s eyebrows rose slightly, his throat still feeling tight and painful. “I think you just answered my question,” he said, his voice sounding slightly choked and strained. She’d said she wouldn’t stick her tongue down his throat and that meant that she wasn’t interested in even trying to carry it on, work things out. “What you mean is... we’re over.” To his dismay, his voice broke slightly on the last word, his dark eyes swimming with tears that he was desperately trying to hold back. He’d never been a particularly manly man and he didn’t have a problem with showing his emotions but, right now, he didn’t want to cry. This was hard enough as it was - for both of them, he was willing to bet - and he wanted to at least try to stay in some kind of level of calm. It was proving hard, though, as it was feeling harder and harder not to break down. Sucking in a deep breath, Lex blinked and looked down at the glass of vodka in front of him, focusing on pulling it towards him and lifting it to his lips to take a big gulp. The thinking about something else had done the trick and, by the time he lowered the glass again, he was feeling a little more composed. It gave him the strength to carry on with the train of thought he’d been following. “So, basically, you’ve chosen him. And that’s it. I just have to... walk away?” It sounded so clinical, so unrealistic, when he said it out loud. It didn’t seem possible that his Grey was doing this to him. Sure, she’d said she was sorry but that really didn’t make that much difference to the enormity of what she was telling him. “I can’t leave you alone for five minutes, can I?” he said, a near hysterical chuckle bursting out as he shook his head, his dark eyes coming up to look at her face again. The fact was that, if this wasn’t so fucking horrible, the whole situation would be laughable. If someone had told him yesterday that Grey would be breaking up with him the next day, he would have called them insane. But here they both were. She really wasn't very good at the whole breaking it to him gently thing. God how did people do this? She'd never broken up with anyone, probably because it tended to these kinds of awkward conversations she was absolutely no good at. "Yeah I suppose it is," she conceded. she wanted to wrap her arms around him and tell him it'd be okay, but she couldn't all she could was sit there and hope he didn't start crying, because she couldn't be the person that had made him cry, She wanted to tell him not to, but she knew that'd make it worse and she didn't want to patronise him. When he managed to keep it together she relxed ever so slightly, continuing to drink in lieu of anything else, because there didn't seem to be anything to do. "It's not quite that simple," she said with a frown. "I didn't fucking choose to meet someone else," she protested, just a little angry, he was selling himself short. "It just...happened." Which was a lie, it hadn't just happened at all. Grey had actively made it happen by having sex with him, because she'd always thought about Malcolm way too much. But she could've waited, she should've waited longer - lived with Malcolm but not actually had sex with him. It could've been just like it was on the train with them being friends. Christ, who was she kidding? It could never have been liked that, even if she'd tried not to have feelings for him because of Lex that was never going to happen, there was just too much there between them. "I don't know if that's quite how I'd put it, but...yeah, I guess so." Another drink, and shit her glass was empty, how had that happened? She filled it again, with slightly shaking hands. It was completely different when she looked at him now, the feelings she'd had just weren't there anymore, but there was something, the knowledge that she was hurting possibly the second to last person she'd ever want to hurt. "Apparently not," she replied to his outburst, she didn't know what else to say. If Lex had never disappeared would she have left him for Malcolm? She really wasn't sure, but he had so it probably didn't matter - thinking about the 'what ifs' "Look Lex, just because we're not..." she trailed off, not sure how to put it - 'fucking? In love?' "Together," she settled. "The island is a completely fucking nightmare, and I'm saying this as the woman that had to donate her blood to fucking vampires and sign a fucking license for you. I don't want you thinking you're on your own, yeah? I don't want you thinking you're on your own. I'm still here." Lex’s eyes slipped back down until he was staring at the table, his dark brows drawn together in a frown. His eyes were still far more moist than they usually were and he was very conscious of the painful lump in his throat but, for the most part, he was holding it together... just. “I really didn’t actually think this day would come,” he said quietly, feeling a strange numb feeling settling through his body. He wondered whether that was naive of him. People broke up all the time. What was that statistic about divorce that they always quoted on the news? 1 in 3? It was something like that. And, sure, he and Grey weren’t actually married but, even if they had been, Lex would have been sure that they’d be one of the couples that made it. They’d just been so... comfortable. Maybe that was the problem. Maybe she’d just got bored. It would make sense; her coming here might have been the opportunity she’d been waiting for all these years, to get away from him. Maybe she’d only stayed with him because he was licenced to her now. Fuck! Lex lifted his hands until they were covering his face, his elbows propped on the table, his eyes shutting as he rubbed them with his fingertips, trying to think of something to do or say. He really did just feel numb. He was scared, though, that as soon as the numbness wore off all he’d be able to feel was pain. It was already beginning to seep in around the edges. “Grey... don’t,” he said, the words muffled slightly by his hands until he let them fall away from his face again. “You don’t have to...” He trailed off with a sigh, still frowning. He knew that Grey was only trying to be caring but, honestly, he didn’t think that her being “here” for him would actually make any of this easier. Was he supposed to see her, knowing that she’d rather be with someone else than him and that she was only spending time with him so he didn’t think he was on his own? Honestly, he thought that being alone would be easier than that. It would be hard, he wasn’t kidding himself about that, and it would really fucking hurt to be away from her but maybe not as much as it would hurt to constantly have to see her and not be able to hold her or kiss her or... Whether he’d actually be able to do it or not - live as a functional human being (ish) without her, when his whole life had pretty much revolved around her for the last ten years - was still to be seen but he owed it to both of them to at least try to let her have her happiness. She’d been dragged into a world of supernatural bullshit at home because of him, even though she hadn’t asked for any of it, and she had put up with it all without once ever blaming him for it. If she wanted out, wanted to be normal and have a life with someone else, he wasn’t going to stand in her way. “I think...” he started, pushing his chair back from the table before hesitating for just a moment. Soon enough, though, the moment passed and he pushed himself up from the chair, his dark eyes flickering down to the top of Grey’s head. “I’m just gonna go, okay? This is...” He shook his head again. Normally he found it relatively easy to express his feelings in a reasonably eloquent manner - Grey was always teasing him about being a big softy - but tonight the words just weren’t coming out. They weren’t even forming properly in his brain. He felt... disconnected somehow, as though nothing was quite real any more. “As long as you’re happy,” he said after another moment of silence, still looking down at her, not having gathered the strength to actually walk away just yet. |