Grey (greywhite) wrote in spinningcompass, @ 2013-03-16 22:44:00 |
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Entry tags: | !closed |
Who: Grey and Malcolm
Where: The cottage
What: Bit of an argument
When: About a week ago
Rating: High for language
Open: Nope
Status: Logged/complete
Since recovering from the flu, there had been a lot to deal with. Of course, being close to death had been a traumatic experience for both of them. Things had been said, and done- most of it could be swept away as the panic of the moment, other parts had led to long discussions late into the night. But the most important thing was that they were both alive and well. Sam hadn't been so lucky. Malcolm couldn't help but feel guilty that he hadn't been there when she'd died- he could say that it was because he'd been unwell himself, but he knew in himself that it was mostly because he found it too difficult emotionally. And now she was dead- Maryanne had wanted to bury everyone, and Malcolm was sure that his insistence on a cremation had painted him as being a cunt for no reason. People didn't understand him or his motives, and normally he didn't care, but admittedly, he was feeling a little fragile. They hadn't spoken about the Valentine's strangeness- the less Malcolm dwelt on that the better. He had the texts, and a disturbing video of Mitchell's song on his phone, and he really didn't want to think about it. But he'd kept the CD, because it was brilliant and so very Grey, and he'd continued to wear the ring, because they hadn't discussed it. He didn't really know where they stood now, but he liked the way it felt. Like a constant reminder that he was loved. Grey was pretty sure she was meant to be happy, and in some ways she was. Malcolm was okay, he was alive and while that was really all that mattered it just wasn't that simple, not here. The island wasn't nearly that kind. There'd been too many deaths, and Sam, well Sam had felt the worse because it had hit Malcolm so hard, even while he'd pretended it hadn't. And that was only the half of it, it never rained, but it poured. She'd said so many things, things she meant, but things that were definitely better off being kept to herself, Truth was she hated this whole thing, the way she felt about Malcolm, it was something she couldn't quite get her head round, he made her simultaneously weak and strong, terrified and brave. She wasn't used to this, things had been so easy with Lex, even taking the whole werewolf thing into account, but Malcolm was so different, brought out a side of her she wasn't sure she liked very much, And the worse part was the idea of being without him was so much worse than any of that. And he was still wearing the ring. That fucking ring, that she'd given him when she hadn't been in her right mind. Why hadn't he taken it off? Why wasn't he taking the piss about it? And the CD, she just wanted to snap it, because it was so her, she couldn't deny the sentiment, well she could but not with any kind of plausibility, It was on her mind the whole time, she had to say something, she had to address it, or one day she was going to drunk and just start screaming at him, and he really didn't deserve that. She was trying to read, but she'd read the same sentence at least three times now and her gaze kept falling on that sodding ring, yes it was nice, and yes it suited him, and yeah okay perhaps she wasn't against putting a ring on his finger but it was the way he was just wearing it, like it was just a ring, that she hadn't proposed to him with it. God did he want to marry her? Did she want to marry him? Suddenly she closed the book, tossing it onto the coffee table, and shifting so she was facing him side on. "Why are you still wearing it?" she asked, out of nowhere, trying really hard not to sound confrontational, but more than likely failing. For Malcolm, it felt like the question had come out of nowhere. Unlike Grey, he hadn't spent any great amount of time or energy on analysing things, or thinking about what the ring actually meant, so her question was both a surprise, and a tricky one to answer. He stared at her like she was mad for a few seconds, not even needing to clarify what she was referring to. Of course he already knew. But he didn't have a good answer for her, not one that didn't sound pathetic as hell. He stalled, and then scoffed slightly, a crooked smile a bit of a shrug. "Would you rather I didn't?" he asked, his voice pitching slightly - evading the question, answering it with a question of his own, it was the perfect politician's response. Even he knew that. She was losing her mind, wasn't she? That was the problem here, because the way he looked at her it implied the ring was meaningless, just a bit of jewellery, and perhaps that was the thing, that was all it meant to him while to her it was something completely different, something she didn't want to think about, but couldn't quite stop. And Jesus she hated him so much some times, that fucking smile, that fucking reply. God he was so smug, so in control. Wanker! "Forget it," she said, "it doesn't matter. If you want to wear it, wear it." If it meant nothing, which it clearly did, fine. She wasn't going to get into it, she wasn't going to let him know just how completely insane she truly was God, she really was so agitated about the ring. It was more than just a piece of jewellery to him, but it really didn't alarm him to the same extent, and he couldn't quite get his head around what exactly the issue was. Maybe he just wasn't trying hard enough to think it through. The scoffing expression remained in place for a few seconds, and then he shook his head slightly and looked away, apparently content to let it drop as well. But now he couldn't stop thinking about it, and what it meant, and- fuck! He hadn't been worrying about it, and now it was all he could fucking think about. "Is there... some kind of issue... with the wearing of the ring?" he asked eventually, an annoying hint of humour to his tone. She was wound up, and he knew he wasn't taking it seriously enough, it was just how he coped with difficult conversations. She should've just left it, she shouldn't just waited until he fell asleep and taking the bloody thing off his finger and thrown it away, or possibly just put it somewhere for safe keeping, for a better time, because it really was a great ring, it was bloody perfect, but she couldn't think like that, there would be no better time, not for...that. "I just...I just don't get why you're still wearing it," she said after a moment, which she really needed to remind herself to at least try to be rational. "It's a fucking engagement ring! And we haven't even fucking talked about it, which is fine, because y'know it's not like we were exactly ourselves." The less she thought about their conversations during that time the better, it all made her want to vomit. "So I don't get why you're still wearing it, with that in mind." Which yes she had already said, but it seemed worth repeating under the circumstances. Malcolm sighed, and rubbed at his cheek for a moment as he tried to think about how to respond. He really didn't have a good answer for her. He hadn't thought about it, he'd just done it. Maybe for Grey it seemed natural that he would take it off, but for him it had felt natural to just leave it on. "Yeah, like you said, we never talked about it again, so I just-" he shrugged instead of properly finishing the sentence. "I don't know, is it a big deal?" he asked. Even he was aware of how infuriating it had to sound, but the truth was, he just didn't have a decent explanation. Anything he said that was truthful was just going to make him come across like an absolute nutter. He should have taken it off. He was being a fucking idiot. "I don't expect you to actually follow through on it, if that's what you're worried about." What had she done? It was a complete none issue, and now she'd made it into one, and all she wanted to do was rewind time, to never have brought it up, but it was impossible to ignore, it was the result of the island fucking with them, it wasn't real. That should have been enough of an answer 'is it a big deal?' Apparently not, not to him and that was what counted, wasn't it? He was the one wearing it, it was up to him what it meant now. "Well good," she said after a moment, "I mean that's not what I'm worried about, because why the fuck would you want to marry me, for a start?" Not to mention why she'd want to marry him, because she was entirely not supposed to want that, and she really didn't, well sort of mostly didn't, kinda. "It's just a reminder of the fucking island fucking with us," she continued. "It's a fucking side effect." He hadn't expected that response. He frowned deeper, feeling a slight pain at her words- why would he want to marry her? Was that really what she thought? Did that then leave open the possibility that she wanted to marry him but she just didn't want to say anything? Or was he just going to show himself up to be a sentimental twat now? "You don't think I would want to marry you?" he asked, the surprise clear in is tone- clearer than he really liked. It sounded needy, it sounded pathetic. He needed to stop it, he needed to just nod and agree and possibly take the ring off, but he wasn't caving like that. Not this time. "Was that all it was, yeah? Just the island fucking with us?" he asked, sounding a bit more bitter than he had intended. He needed to shut up. Now. Okay that was exactly the response she didn't want, or need. She didn't need encouragement, she needed him to hate this idea, she needed to hate the idea, because this was fucking stupid, this was so hypocritical, but christ she'd been seriously considering killing herself if he died not so long ago, so really it was probably all relative.. And then he asked that question and it felt like a knife to her heart. "I didn't...I don't...fuck's sake, Malcolm, I'm not saying that, but Jesus this isn't fucking sane, you know that, don't you? We've been together four months! We can't get married, that's fucking mental!" He knew it wasn't sane, of course it wasn't, but then when had he ever claimed to be sane? "Aye, all right, calm it down- I already said I don't expect you to actually marry me," he told her. And he should have left it there, he really should have left it there. "But you say it like I would never want to. Right, yes, it's completely fucking insane right now, but- in theory? Why the fuck wouldn't I?" he asked. It was all coming out a lot more demanding and aggressively than he really wanted it to. "Look, I know the island was fucking with us, but- do you really want to just write it all off as a fucking horrible memory?" No, this wasn't happening, this couldn't be because one them had to rational, one of them had to be the voice of reason! "But so that doesn't mean anything, does it? You're not opposed to marrying me in some theoretical future. That's fine, that's...different." As for why he wouldn't want to, well it certainly better she ignore that part of things or she'd have to admit to how completely insecure she was. "Yeah, yeah, I do," she admitted. "Because it wouldn't have been like that, fucking candles and rose petals? Jesus the only saving grace if that I didn't get down on one fucking knee and all that stuff I said..." she shook her head. It wouldn't have been like that, it would never have been like that. "It doesn't even fucking mean anything, nothing means anything here, it's all just another way of fucking you over, of giving you something to lose." "How does that not mean anything?" he asked, being far too picky. He had to shut up. He could hear his own words, and he knew that he had to stop, but he was just too fucking stubborn. And he couldn't see how it was different. They were so alike in so many ways, but it seemed like they'd finally hit on something they just couldn't see eye to eye on. And of course it had to be something that seemed to central to any relationship. "What, so the set-up is your problem with it? Not the actual question, just the fucking- scenery? I know the petals and shit weren't you, but- is it important? Does it mean you have to write off the whole fucking thing?" he asked. Why did he have to keep talking?! But apparently she hadn't finished talking either, and every fucking word was painful to hear. "If nothing means anything here, then why should you give a fuck if I wear a ring or don't wear a ring?" he snapped. That was the truth, she was scared of losing him? She nearly had, wasn't that enough to make her realise that time was precious? "It doesn't mean anything right now," she clarified, and now was when he was wearing the ring, and so what if in the future they might actually be in some kind of fit state to actually do this, they weren't now. Now was too soon and they both too fucked up, so why she fuck did he have to insist on wearing it? God, did he actually want to marry her? It was starting to sound increasingly like that, in his own horrible, stubborn, difficult way. "It's not just that. Do you seriously think I'd ask you to marry me? Now? I don't even fucking believe in marriage!" Okay so she'd asked Lex and she was pretty sure he was going to bring that up, but that was fine, she was ready for that. "Because it's not just a fucking ring, is it? It's a fucking engagement ring and we're not engaged! Look will you just take it off? I can't stand it, I can't standing seeing it all the fucking time!" It wasn't right, it wasn't how it was supposed to be. She wanted to be in her right mind, or as in her right mind as she could manage these days. Malcolm was surprised to find that he felt almost hurt by it. That hadn't been what she said- she'd said that nothing mattered here, and he knew he was being an absolute twat for being so pedantic about it, but she did strange things to him emotionally. And there it was- she wouldn't ask him to marry her, she didn't believe in it- and it was fucking infuriating because he was sure that before the island fucking with them, he hadn't been thinking about marriage in the slightest. And now they were arguing about it, and he didn't want to feel disappointed. "Yeah, you're doing a very fucking good show of someone who doesn't believe in marriage," he retorted, unnecessarily rude. He was upset,and rude was his go-to cover up. But she wasn't finished, and was sounding increasingly mental by the second. He stared at her in confusion- still not really understanding why she was reacting quite so violently to a ring. "Fucking hell, if you're that fucking distressed over a fucking ring, then fine-" he took the ring off, and almost slammed it down on the table. "There you go, have it back, as long as I'm not wearing a ring then you don't have to fucking think about it, yeah?" he pointed out. "Jesus, you'd think it was a fucking prison sentence, or I was making you sign a contract to be my fucking slave. I didn't realise it was all so fucking repulsive to you." He was going to say something he regretted, he went to leave, but stopped after a few seconds. "You know just taking the ring away doesn't take any of- this away," he told her, gesturing between the two of them. "Might help you avoid it, but it doesn't just fucking go away." She hadn't meant it like that, but it was sort of true, the island wasn't real, it was just one suck, twisted joke after another and truth was she wasn't sure she'd be as close to Malcolm as she was if they were somewhere else, not so quickly. She was in no doubt she'd still want him, still love him even, but here well the situation was extraordinary to say the least and all they had was each other. "What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" she asked. Surely he didn't know, did he? Surely he couldn't read her fucking mind? No of course he couldn't, not even she knew what was going on in there so what chance did he have? The thing was she wasn't entirely sure why she was protested so hard, perhaps because if she didn't well that was too much like being okay with the whole thing, and she wasn't, it was too soon. The worse thing at this point was that she wasn't even aware of how much she was overreacting, it was like something had just snapped, she hated everything the ring the stood for, how the island had made this happen, how it had taken something so personal and made it into a fucking joke. She looked at the ring for a moment when he took it off the reached for it, closing it in her hand, feeling the warmth from his skin as he carried on. She didn't know what to say, it wasn't like that. Everything had come out wrong, purely because she couldn't cope with everything, with the fucking island. It really was in serious danger of destroying her, and she couldn't let that happen. When he went to leave all she could do was sit there, until he stopped, then she stood up, still holding the ring in her closed fist. When he spoke she felt like she'd been slapped in the face. What was he talking about? Did he think she wanted it to change things between them? Did he think this was her trying to step away from them or something? Opening her mouth she tried to reply, but there were too many things to say she didn't even know where to start. She was in serious danger of just screaming at him again and she was trying so hard not to do that. "What do you mean this?" she asked, after a moment to try and pull herself together. "Why would I...Malcolm I love you more than anything, more than anyone. Do you really want to know why I'm so fucking angry about the ring? Because I wasn't me and you weren't you when I asked, when you accepted and you deserve better than that. I can't bear to see you wearing this sodding ring because maybe I want to ask you properly, y'know when I'm myself, and maybe when it doesn't seem quite so completely fucking mental!" Okay so perhaps that was completely contradicting herself, but what she'd said before was true, she didn't believe in marriage, not in the traditional meaning of the word at least, it had different with Lex, but there was something about Malcolm, she knew it would never be like it had been with him and she didn't want it to be either, it was just taking a lot to accept the change. Malcolm knew that he shouldn't have said anything, that he was treading a very dangerous line, and he felt like he was stupidly close to properly falling out with her- over nothing. Over a fucking ring. Over some stupid stunt the island had pulled on them. He shouldn't have answered. He should have just let her question hang there, or he should have backtracked. But he'd started now, and gained momentum and somehow just couldn't stop making it worse. "Eh, what do you fucking think I'm talking about? Didn't I give you a fucking ring to propose with before? And I don't think you were out of your fucking mind that time," he snapped. Shit. Shitshit. He ran a hand over his face nervously, and shook his head slightly as if he was about to apologise. He shouldn't bring this shit up. He sighed, and shuffled on the spot when she started speaking again. He didn't know how to verbalise it properly. He was shit at this, all of it. But then she was talking again, and this time it was more what he needed to hear to calm him back down again. It didn't make him any more capable of eloquence. He felt deflated. He'd been a right fucking idiot. "Right. Well- okay. Okay. I'm sorry. I wasn't doing it to make you angry, or- anything like that. There's no agenda. I just- doubt you would ever ask that again, and I don't mean that you should, or that it's not completely fucking mental, and I'm sorry you see it as some fucking- horrible symbol of something you'd rather forget, but I didn't- it's just stupid and fucking- pathetic and you'll probably want to cause me physical fucking pain for saying it, but-" he shrugged, paused, smiled- realised he was an absolute twat. "It just reminded me that even if everything is totally fucked, I've still got you." On the plus side she had been expecting it, but it didn't really make it any better, or any easier. "I was with Lex for ten fucking years," she pointed out, "and I wasn't exactly in my right mind. The train wasn't exactly a barrel of laughs either. I mean I'd had visions, really fucking horrible visions, visions that just made me want to hold on to him and make sure he knew he was safe, because I loved him, you know? And I knew it was what he wanted and it anyway our relationship...it wasn't like ours, it was nothing like ours. I asked him to be my wife." She paused, it sounded weird when it was said out loud, she'd never had to explain their relationship to anyone before, because it was no body's business. "And he was going to take my name. I was always the one in charge, the one in control, the fucking man. It isn't like that with you. It's like I don't even know who I am half the time." Well he'd asked, so she might as well answer, hadn't she? Even if it was pretty insane. "I know you weren't," she admitted, "You're just too fucking stubborn to take a ring off purely because I ask you to." God how had it all got so out of hand? It was so strange to hear him admitting to all those things, especially after she'd all but admitted she might well ask again, one day. And then there was that last bit, about having her, and far from wanting to hurt him she wanted to kiss him, to press him up against the wall. "You've always got me," she told him, stepping closer. The ring suddenly felt very heavy and very obvious in her hand. "But if it makes you feel better,.." she uncurled her fist, and held the ring carefully. It was a very nice ring. She reached for his hand and slipped it back onto his finger. "If me fucking you every night isn't enough..." she leant in and kissed him slowly. "You know this means you owe me a ring now though, right? I mean it's not fair otherwise. It's not equal and I'm all about equality with you, remember?" He really wished he hadn't brought up Lex. It really wasn't fair on her, it wasn't fair to compare their relationship to her past relationship- she wasn't doing that to him, and she very easily could drag up the past with him, and how much he had left unsaid. The fact that it had been his wedding ring, that apparently he hadn't removed immediately. What was it with him and holding onto fucking rings? He felt small and stupid as she tried to explain. "Darling, I don't want to change you. I'm not trying to control you or hold you back or make you feel- inferior or anything like that. I know I'm a bit-" he pulled a face, not sure what the word was exactly, but he was sure she could fill in the blank."- I might come across like I'm in charge and I've got it all under control and I'm the man, but- I'm really not, I don't have a fucking clue half the time, and I'd probably have got myself fucking killed by now if it weren't for you, yeah? I play the part, but- I don't want any of this fucking act to make you doubt yourself. Just- I love you exactly as you are, yeah?" He shook his head, denying that it was stubbornness alone. But she got it, and thank fuck they had managed to sort of salvage it, and not end up driving each other away over some stupid thing that had been blown out of proportion. He nodded along with her, desperately wanting to just grab onto her and pull her into a hug and never fucking let her go again. She was holding out the ring to him, and mostly he just felt guilty. "If you don't want me to, I don't have to," he told her, quite clearly. But she was slipping it back onto his finger, and then there was a kiss and- everything was going to be okay after all. He smiled, and gave her an almost sheepish nod. "Yeah. I'll see what I can steal you." She tried to ignore the fact she'd proposed with his wedding ring was much as she possibly could. Things were quite complicated enough and she was certain bringing it up now was only going to make things much, much worse and she was actually trying to fix this, in her own fucked up way. He wasn't getting it, quite possibly for the first time ever, but that made sense, because how could anyone not involved get her and Lex? She didn't expect Malcolm to, because she was completely different with him, that was the issue. "I know you're not, and you don't. That's not what I'm saying. And you don't come across like you're in charge, that's the thing, neither of us are. I'm not used to that. It's not that a doubt myself, it's more complicated than that. I'm just not used to this whole...taking it in turns thing, I'm not used to being with someone that's...I don't know dominant. I'm not used to being fucking female, and submissive and...so fucking pathetic! I love you exactly as you are as well, in case you've not worked that out. I mean I hate it, and I'm shit scared I'm going to end up completely fucking fragile because of this fucking island and you'll end up hating me because I'm barely even me anymore, but that's all." And the ring was on his finger, and it was a bit different, but it meant something she was okay with, something she'd decided on while she was her, and if he needed something solid to tell him she was his she was more than fine with that, anything to make him happy, that was the frightening thing. "I have very high expectations," she joked, "just so you know." Maybe Malcolm really didn't get it. Well, he didn't-he wanted to understand, and he would try his best to listen and figure her out, but he didn't get it. He couldn't really expect to. He'd known very little about her relationship with Lex. He sighed a bit, not even sure where to start tackling this one. "You are very fucking complex, do you know that?" he pointed out, his thumb brushing against her temple. "You're not pathetic. Or fragile. And I'm not going to end up hating you. This island would make anyone a little bit- vulnerable now and again. It's not a bad thing. It's just- to be expected. You're over-thinking it. I love you, you love me- all this other crap- it's not important, yeah? We'll figure it out." He laughed a little, and nodded. "Yeah, I wouldn't expect to get off easily." She didn't really expect him to, that was the thing, not without a pretty serious discussion, her only point was that she wasn't that used to even being equal for all her talk she had always been in charge, but it wasn't like that now, and it was a big thing to get used to. "Yeah," she sighed, "sorry about that." It wasn't easy, but easy was dull. It was so annoying sometimes though, she never knew where she was, so how the fuck could he? But it apparently didn't bother him too much, because here he was touching her, reassuring her. God he was perfect. She smiled, reaching out to touch his side. "You have no idea," she said. "Still on the plus side I know it's not just the island, I know I'd love you if we weren't here." And that was really quite comforting at times like this. "I'm sorry," she said again, he didn't deserve this. No one should have to deal with her without serious psychological preparation. "You're right, fuck everything else." "I didn't think you would. As you're pointed out once or twice, I'm very demanding." "No, no, you don't have to apologise," he insisted. "You know I enjoy a challenge," he teased lightly. It was true, though- if she was just straightforward and like an open book, he'd probably have lost interest long ago. This probably would never have happened. She'd sparked an interest, and that didn't happen often, not in this sense. A more genuine smile spread across his face as she continued to speak. "Yeah? I don't know how the fuck we'd ever have met-" he said, and then remembered what Sam had said, that they had, that they'd been together for four years. That had to mean something. No wonder they'd been drawn to each other. "Good to know, though. I never doubted it, I never thought it was just the island- from my side, I mean," he explained. For all the shouting and the fights and confusion, he found her surprisingly easy to love. Wherever there was doubt, it was always born from low self-esteem. Why would she love him? She wouldn't when she figured him out more- but that was all starting to disappear. She did love him. God knows why, but she did. "Yeah, see? That's more like it. Fuck everything else," he agreed, holding onto her at arms length for a moment, and then placing a kiss against her forehead, the corner of her mouth- before pulling her into a proper hug. "It'll be okay, it's all fine." She was pretty sure she did, perhaps not to him, but maybe to herself. still he seemed to know and be okay with what he was letting himself for, god knows why but he was still here, even with her screaming and her inability to be calm and rational, and all her little neuroses that made her freak out about a fucking ring! "Yeah," she said with a bit of a laugh. "I'd hate you to get bored." At least she kept him on his toes, and clearly Malcolm coped pretty well with stress, he had basically run a country after all, whilst working with some complete idiots at the same time. Sam really hadn't said a lot about how they'd met, and now...well now it was too late, wasn't it? Fuck. "I expect you took advantage of me," she joked, "stray in a box." She reached up and touched his face, finger tips moving over his cheek as she looked at him. He really was the most lovely thing, she really couldn't imagine meeting him and not just wanting to snog him senseless. "Or maybe I just got you pissed and pounced, it is kind of my MO. I mean you're clearly powerless to resist my feminine charms. I never thought it was the island either," she added quickly, just in case that was how it sounded, she had no doubt the island had probably rushed things a bit, but not being with him, not feeling this, no it was always coming. "Or the train for that matter. All of this I guess it was just sheer fucking good luck. A means to an end. I really fucking love you, Malcolm." She didn't say anything for a moment, as she wrapped her arms around him, her head resting against his. "Do you really believe that?" she asked finally, because she'd wanted to say it so many times over the months, going back to when they'd been on the train, but she mostly hadn't because in a lot of ways it really wasn't and he was smart enough to know that, and she wasn't about to lie to him. This was better. This was actually some sort of communication, in their own special way. Joking, yes- but still getting the main points across without screaming at each other. That was an improvement. "Probably a bit of both," he admitted when she mused over how they had ended up together. "You know I pick up strays like they're my property, and you take advantage of defenceless drunks. That's our thing," he teased with a bit of a smirk. Of course, the truth was much more than that. It would be contrived to call it fate or destiny, but he didn't really have another word for it. And if he ever dared to say "soul mates" he'd request a quick punch to the throat. But he knew he would have loved her in any reality. "I love you too, darling. No matter where we are." He thought about her question for a moment and then gave her a shrug. "I can't say it about everything. I'm sure the island will fuck us over in a million ways we never could imagine. I'm sure there will be times when it's anything but okay, when it's as shit as it can fucking get. But- you and me? Yeah. As long as we're both still here, we'll always be okay. You'll probably hate me a few times, and I'll probably be a total cunt to you, and we'll scream and just be glad there's no police here to arrest us for a fucking domestic. But even after all that we'll be okay. We're both too fucking stubborn to give up on it for a start. And I love you. So we're not going to let the island fuck that up." God he was perfect. In a really crap situation they could still joke, about really important things, but it was good, it was them and it worked and neither of them had to pretend with each other. "So really we were made for each other," she said, trying not to laugh, but it was there, in her eyes. She wasn't going to think about what everything meant, she just couldn't, because everything involved in them went against everything she believed in, and she couldn't start believing in them, she just couldn't. She couldn't really reply. There was nothing to say that wasn't over the top, so instead she just kisses him, and hoped he'd understand. He normally did after all. And his reply. God it almost made her hurt, because that was exactly she felt. Things were going to be shit. Things were always going to be fucked up and trying. The island would always try to break them, because that was what it did, but none of that mattered, not as long as they were together. She really didn't want to be that person, but she was and she couldn't deny it. "You know I'm physically and mentally incapable of hating you, right?" she asked. "Even when you're a proper twat." Because he had been, quite a few times now and it had only annoyed her because it meant she couldn't feel like she wanted to fuck him without it becoming even more complicated. "I'll marry you one day," she promised. "If you want to. If you've not worked out I'm way more fucking trouble than I'm worth. I mean I'm not that good in bed, am I?" And there it was, another fucking stupid joke when all she wanted to do was hold on to him and tell him he was the only man she was ever going to want Malcolm knew that she was joking, but even as he smiled back at her and nodded, he knew how much truth there was in it. He really couldn't imagine himself ever settling for anyone else. He couldn't believe how lucky he was, to have found her. It really made up for so much, both back home, and the fact that he was now stuck on a crazy island. It was worth it, no matter how disgustingly corny that was. And he wasn't going to say it, not quite like that, but he was sure that she already knew. The kisses were a welcome distraction. "Oh, please, don't make it into a challenge," he teased, but it didn't mean that the weight of what she said didn't have an impact. He thought that he was was very easy to hate, and very difficult to love. How she'd managed to get it the wrong way round he'd never know. She said that she would marry him one day, and he couldn't help but beam at her. He wanted to assure her that she didn't have to do that, but even if it never happened, just knowing that even in theory she would marry him- it was overwhelming. She was making another joke, and all he could do was smile at her, it was even freaking him out. "I really love you," he responded eventually. "I know I keep saying it, but just in case there was any doubt left. I really do," he insisted, before pressing another kiss against her lips. Yeah it was true, far too true, but it was probably to say these things when they were clearly meant as a joke, although she seemed to be managing to say them even when she wasn't taking the piss now. It wasn't easy though, but it wasn't nearly as difficult as it had always felt before, the really hard bit was not coming across as psychotically in love with him, and she wasn't entirely convinced she was managing it, but there was a great deal of comfort in knowing Malcolm seemed to feel the same way. That even when she made mental suggestions like staying awake and keeping an eye on each other he hadn't asked her if he''d lost her mind. He's actually done it, more than that he seems quite behind the idea. She was fucked, but at least he was fucked along with her. She gave him a bit of a look, one that said 'fucking try it'. She was sure she could handle it though, that what she'd said was true. There was nothing he could do that would make her hate him. She just didn't have it in her. And if he really did test her theory - well she was pretty confident she'd be able to deal with him. She wasn't afraid of telling him when he was being a twat after all. That was one of those things she was meant to keep to herself, wasn't it? Especially considering the argument they'd just had. Jesus, how the fuck did he put up with her? She was a total nightmare. But she meant it, she really did. She'd never had proposed had she not been under some weird island influence, not when she had, but eventually, eventually she'd have cracked and asked him, probably far sooner than was rational. Still that reaction, well it was difficult to worry too much about what she'd just said when he was smiling like that. Jesus he really did want to marry her, didn't he? Her! Fuck! "I think you've mentioned it once or twice, yeah," she agreed, smiling back at him. She had to take the piss if only to counteract the way she knew she was looking at him, like he was this perfect, precious thing that she loved more than anything, which he was of course. "But I don't mind hearing it too much." She kissed him back, slow and lingering, then pulled back just a little, her lips still touching his. "Remember when we were just fucking and not having conversations or any of this stuff?" she asked, "God those were nice simple times, weren't they?" "That's good to know, because I probably will just keep telling you forever," he told her, still smiling. It wasn't like him at all, to continually tell someone how much he loved them- he'd certainly never done it while he was married, he didn't think he even went on like that to his family. Maybe it was just the nature of the island, that every moment it felt like a good time to remind her. Just in case. He couldn't think about the just in case. "Yeah, I remember," he said, with a fake sigh of nostalgia. "We're not doing too bad at the whole grown-up conversation thing these days, should be some sort of achievement, yeah?" he teased between kisses. "Things aren't that complicated. The island makes them seem complicated, yeah- and we probably- okay, definitely- make them more complicated with over-thinking. But we're getting better, yeah?" he insisted. It wasn't even a question, it was true. They had come a long way over such a short time. For two people who were so emotionally fucked up, they fitted together perfectly. |