"Magic takes belief... So don't worry about me where that's concerned" he replied. But love? That was another thing altogether. He was so accustomed to closing off his emotions. From denying how he truly felt. He had to push people away from them and be horrid to the people he cared about the most in order to save them. He never had to be truly open about how much he loved someone in order to keep them safe.
He continued to smoke and thought about things. Tried to make sense of things. See if he could find a workaround. But he couldn't. He didn't want Pennywise using the likes of Astra against him... He had almost given someone up when he thought he could get her back from Hell. He'd give anything to save her, including his own life. Anything to make up for the biggest mistake in his life. Ravenscar wasn't enough.
John shifted a little uncomfortably, and remained silent, smoking and staring into the flowing river.