Taped to his front door the following evening ((Becca is impatient)
[Handwritten back to front on four sheets of notebook paper. Her handwriting is kind of big.]
Ernest,
I’m going to be honest. It took me about twenty four hours to get past just having your name written. And I went through about four pieces of paper just for that. I'm doing so well at this, right? You never realize how hard expressing yourself is until you actually go to write it out. Which is my way of saying how much I appreciate the letter. It can’t have been easy.
You’re only partially to blame for how things went down. You tried to warn me in your own way that it was just going to end badly and I completely ignored it. I let myself just get completely lost and I shouldn't have. At least not so quickly. Doesn't help that the sex was amazing. That much is entirely your fault. It was easy to just let myself believe that something could be there. And I’m not saying that something couldn’t have eventually been there, it just wasn’t there yet. But I let myself think it was. So me getting hurt was more on me than on you.
I'm really glad that you're going to the meetings. You're right that it has to be for you but Charlie is another good reason. I didn't actually know that you weren't sober but it doesn't necessarily surprise me. I hope that didn't come across the wrong way. And everybody is an asshole on some level so don't worry about that. I have definitely had my moments.
Speaking of those moments, if you’ll let me, I’d really like a chance to redo your birthday present. I shouldn’t have gone about it the way I did. I was letting something get to me that I thought I was over a long time ago and it wasn’t fair to you. Especially on your birthday. At least let me make you another cake.
A sincere apology is never too late. Especially when it comes to this place. I know that it hasn't been that long for you so it really is appreciated. And completely accepted. I am always going to be your friend. And if you ever need someone to talk to, even just to rant, I'm here. Any time. I don't sleep much anymore so I do mean it when I say any time. It’s not just a platitude to make me feel better.
I’ve been sitting here for about the last two hours trying to figure out exactly how to put my feelings into words. There was the ever popular “I care about you" which I do but it just doesn't feel right. The only proper way to put it is to say that I love you. Like a very close friend. And I'm not expecting the sentiment to be returned. Don't worry about that. But I want you to know that you are very dear to me. You’re on the list of people I can find just by thinking about you and that list includes one other person that isn’t related to me by blood or marriage.
I’m managing to put myself under some kind of stupid pressure because I know you’ve written a lot of books and short stories and articles and the letter you wrote to me was beautifully worded. And I’m just over here feeling like I have to live up to this standard that you’re not even expecting. My brain is my worst enemy, I swear. I’m sure you can understand that.
I do hope that things work out for you and you find a way to be as happy as possible. You’ll have your moments, as we all do, and I’ll help you through them if you want me to. Happiness is possible though, even in short bursts. And the short bursts are worth so much more than what’s in between. The people that really care for you will be there for you through it all. I know that Charlie is one of those people. He’s a great kid and I want you to remember that you had a lot to do with that. If you need anything at all (other than a drink, of course) you know where to find me.