If I thought the agoraphobia was bad yesterday....damn, I'd give anything to feel that calm right now. I have half an hour until I have to leave if I get on the bus and go to school.
Every single instinct I have is telling me to stay home, to email my professors and tell them that I'm very ill, and that while I'm sorry for missing class I'm doing the readings at home so I'll be caught up when I get back. And that's true, but I fear failure almost as much as I fear leaving the house at the moment, so...yeah. This is me screwing myself royally.
It feels like I'm stuck between two huge rocks, and they're both pressing into me at the same time, one on my head and one on my chest. I can't seem to be able to take a breath. When I try, my chest won't let me do it.
It's just school. It's just an hour's ride over the river and to campus, then 4 or 5 hours in classrooms. I should be able to do this. Right? But it's like the prospect of even going is enough to make me not even care if I fail or my professors drop me.
I'm worried that if I try to force it, I'll have a panic attack on the bus or something, and that'll lead to a damn seizure because stress makes my blood sugar go more nuts than this entire entry is.
I want that visa more than anything in this world, so I'm gonna have to suck it up and just go. Fucking shit. I don't know if I'm gonna make it. I feel like I'm dying.