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mussed_hair (mussed_hair) wrote in snark_n_bark,
@ 2009-03-05 19:28:00

Entry tags:

complete, faelan, harry

Lost and insecure

Characters: Harry, Faelan
Summary: Harry and Faelan scout a location that isn't for the magical creature refuge.

Harry let go of Faelan's waist as soon as they reappeared in the windowless room. He had scouted several locations for Sirius' memorial refuge for magical creatures, and Harry knew that this one was completely inappropriate. The choice wasn't entirely for the purposes of altruism, at least, not for Sirius' beloved magical creatures.

After his talk with Oliver, Faelan had been coming home more often. Over large plates of food in Harry's attempt to entice Faelan to gain back some weight, the two had discussed many topics, some even personal -- except Padma. Whenever Harry brought her up, Faelan side-stepped him, changing the subject with a spectacularly bad set of non sequitors.

The last time Harry remembered Faelan bringing up Padma willingly, it had been to feel him out about the idea of Faelan moving into a loft next to Padma's store. Nothing had ever come of it, and it turned out that the entire building still stood empty to this day. It was far too small a lot to house potentially massive magical creatures, but Harry was a bit desperate to provoke Faelan into...something. Something that might help him stop camping out exclusively in Neville's cramped office space. Visits with Oliver alone didn't seem to be helping the boy move past Padma's leaving.

They were on the far side of the building from Haven Books. Harry hoped he had a few minutes before Faelan would recognize where they were.

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runaway_cub
2009-03-05 06:33 pm UTC (link)

Faelan moved out of Harry's grasp and looked around with mild interest. He knew Harry had been wanting to get this animal refuge idea up and running, and when he'd asked Faelan to go along to look at locations, he hadn't really had much of a reason to refuse. It was an area he had some opinions about, after all. It was hard to work up much enthusiasm, but then, it didn't take much effort to go along.

Faelan looked around at a nondescript room, and moved to the door to see the rest of the place. A small breeze came through a hole in one window, and his senses stirred. That scent...

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mussed_hair
2009-03-05 06:34 pm UTC (link)

Maybe he didn't have a few minutes, after all. Harry silently threw up an anti-Apparation shield, but didn't block the exits. If Faelan wouldn't talk, he could still leave. The Loft wasn't far, but Harry hoped he could keep up with the boy on foot and continue any argument they might have.

Whatever had happened with Padma was killing Faelan's soul, and if Oliver wasn't going to force the issue, Harry was. It's not like they had anything to lose, not with Faelan barely living with him. Faelan would still have Oliver to pick up the pieces if Harry managed to push the boy completely away.

"I thought you might have something to say about this place, particularly."

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runaway_cub
2009-03-05 07:26 pm UTC (link)

Eyes narrowed, Faelan mentally reached out, drawing the scent nearer to him. It was unmistakable.

It was her.

It was like coming home. Or more, like her coming home. For a split second, a wild hope rose up in him that maybe she had. But he knew without even thinking that the scent was old, distant, and only hit him so hard because it had been so long since he'd caught it, and he missed her.

With a sharp ache in his chest, Faelan looked back over his shoulder toward Harry.

"I think it's a bit small."

He knew the place. He'd considered it, at Padma's urging, for an art studio at one time. Sirius had left him enough money. But then she had run off before the idea had even really taken shape.

"There are only a few rooms and not much space out back."

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mussed_hair
2009-03-05 07:38 pm UTC (link)

Faelan had scented their location, it was obvious, but his response left Harry both aggravated and hopeful. At least the boy didn't immediately run away.

"But- the, uh, roof-" Harry pinched the bridge of his nose, the sound of his own awkward words making him cringe. "You're not really going to pretend you don't know where we are. I was hoping- I know you were looking into living here. Have you told anyone what happened?"

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runaway_cub
2009-03-05 07:42 pm UTC (link)

After a moment of silence, Faelan shrugged. "I wasn't pretending. I just don't...care." Faelan stated blandly. But then, this was Harry he was talking to, who was no fool, and wouldn't hesitate to call him on his bullshit. "Well, I do. But you know..." he trailed off and shrugged again. "What can I do about it?"

Pulling aside the corner of a dusty curtain, Faelan glanced out the window and his stomach dropped at the very familiar view of the alley. How many times had he carried Padma's trash out there on his way home?

"Can't avoid Hogsmeade forever. It won't bring her back."

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mussed_hair
2009-03-05 07:56 pm UTC (link)

"You're right about that. You can't stay away from your own home forever." He spoke the word "home" with extra oomph to remind Faelan that he did have a home with Harry and friends in Hogsmeade.

"But it's not what you can do about Padma right now. You're right, she's gone off and you can't make her come back before she's ready." Harry remembered his own sabbatical from his life and how he stayed away for months before he wanted it back. "It's what you can do for yourself right now, to move on."

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runaway_cub
2009-03-05 08:01 pm UTC (link)

Faelan listened to Harry's words with a certain numbness.

"I don't really expect her to come back," Faelan replied. "And if she does..." his voice lowered, "...not to me."

Faelan sighed and moved to inspect nothing across the room. Some of the plaster was peeling from one wall. "She left because I failed her." The statement was simple, the reality not. But it was still true. He should have been able to protect her from MacNair, and he couldn't.

The good thing was he didn't smell that guy anywhere around, so Padma's plan must have worked.

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	mussed_hair 2009-03-05 08:27 pm UTC (link)
	Harry stared at the boy as he wandered about the room as if he was inspecting it for doxies. "What happened? Because I doubt that you failed anyone. You're always too hard on yourself." (Reply to this)

runaway_cub
2009-03-05 08:44 pm UTC (link)

It wasn't even a conscious thought to decide that Harry was wrong, but he figured at this point it didn't hurt him to answer the question. Harry and Oliver both had been admirable in their restraint, neither of them pushing him to talk or really even to come around more often. But then, he supposed they'd been busy.

But nevertheless, they'd been patient, so his defenses weren't on high alert. Padma had made him swear to never tell the story behind her and MacNair, but he didn't have to break that confidence in order to answer the question. Really, Harry asked so little of him, and being one of the few relationships Faelan had left, he really didn't want to jeopardize it by being him.

"I couldn't keep her safe," Faelan answered, glancing up, wide-eyed at Harry. "Someone...from her past was threatening her. And I couldn't do anything about it, and she left."

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mussed_hair
2009-03-05 09:38 pm UTC (link)

Harry raised his eyebrows, completely shocked. Why hadn't Padma gone to the Aurors or even the Order? He might have been able to help, if only he'd known.

"Why was it up to you to keep her safe?" Harry moved a few steps closer to the boy and leaned in, speaking quietly against the echo of the empty room. "I can't imagine her putting that on you. Just who was this person, anyway, that she couldn't report to the Ministry?"

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runaway_cub
2009-03-05 09:45 pm UTC (link)

Uncomfortable, Faelan shrugged. "She didn't, really. But wasn't that my job?" With a sidelong look, Faelan stopped his wandering, sticking his hands in his pockets. "I was her boyfriend and I couldn't protect her. In the end...I guess I wasn't good enough. I wanted to ask for help, but she didn't want anyone to know."

We needed Sirius, Faelan thought with a pang. That man had been fearless, and somehow, though not above it, did always seem to circumvent the law.

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mussed_hair
2009-03-05 10:10 pm UTC (link)

"If someone is powerful and unstable, even I don't want to face her alone," he said, thinking of insane Bellatrix Lestrange. "Sirius went off half-cocked a lot of the time, but he stopped long enough to bring me along. It's smart to ask for help when someone is after you."

Harry ruthlessly quashed the nattering voice in the back of his head saying that he'd faced Voldemort alone. He'd spent years being prepared by the best wizards and witches in the world. They'd helped him as much as they could before the final showdown.

"Maybe it's not too late? We could still track down this person and make it so Padma could come home, right?"

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runaway_cub
2009-03-07 07:05 pm UTC (link)

Faelan worked his jaw back and forth. Maybe they could, but he had promised her - sworn - to never tell anyone about MacNair and, even now, he couldn't even consider breaking that trust.

"Maybe." With a deep breath, he turned, looking around the room. "So do you really like this place, or was it just a ploy to get me to talk about Padma?" Faelan gave Harry a half-hearted smirk. He knew a thing or two about the man by now.

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	mussed_hair 2009-03-08 06:01 am UTC (link)
	Harry gave Faelan a full grin for admitting they might be able to help Padma yet. "It's dump. But I thought a change of venue might be good. Did you want to go to the real site I have in mind?" (Reply to this)

runaway_cub
2009-03-09 09:35 pm UTC (link)

Faelan shrugged and gave one last look around. He wasn't sure if he was over Padma, pushing his feelings away, or just numb. But he didn't feel much about being here. Nor did he mind going with Harry, so he said so.

"Sure. Why not?"

Automatically, he held his arm out for Harry to Apparate them. It seemed like a long time ago that the contact would have bothered him, or the magic. He was not the person he used to be. His life wasn't what it used to be. But it also was no longer what it had become. He was lost again. Maybe that's what it was. Did he not feel anything because there was nothing left to feel?

Looking at Harry, though, he knew that wasn't true. He had feelings. He was grateful for Harry, and for his brother. He was...happy for them may not have been the right phrase. But it was good for them, so it was just good.

He still had the capacity to feel, just not much to feel about anymore. He held Harry's hand tightly. "Let's go."

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